Hi everyone,

This is my first time using this site, and also my first time needing to. While I have lost relatives before, this is the first time I have experienced such deep loss of someone who was a part of my daily life.

3 weeks and 2 days ago, on march 22, 2016, I lost my 5 year old black lab Titan. It was very sudden and unexpected, and I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the grief and even accepting his death. Prior to his death, on Friday and Saturday, my dad took him for two long walks and ran him with the ball, which he absolutely loves. He was always super strong and healthy, and able to go for much longer than my sisters lab. My dad tired him out and took him home, which is not unusual. Later that day, we noticed his muscles were trembling, quivering a little in his legs. In the past, my dog has pinched a nerve or pulled a muscle multiple times and always bounced back in a few days, so we weren't too concerned when he stayed on the couch and didn't walk around as much. On Sunday he threw up once, which isn't really all that rare with him either given that he sometimes eats or drinks too fast after a long run, or even gets car sick. He also started coughing, which roused concern for me, but not in the degree that I know now that it should have, because I had never had any experience with dogs coughing or heart disease. The coughing was not very severe, but he was very lethargic. At this point I thought he maybe had a cold like kennel cough. Monday the coughing was a bit worse, and he was more lethargic and didn't seem to be eating and puked once more. My family talked about taking him to the vet, since the trembling had stopped and it no longer seemed like he injured himself on his walk.

However, by Monday night he was walking around more, wagging his tail, and eating and drinking regularly. He would even lift his legs for a belly rub. My parents decided to see how he was on Tuesday and if he wasn't better, we would take him in. Around 7 the next morning, my father woke up to get ready to work and tried to let Titan out back to go to the bathroom. He wouldn't go to the back door, which was odd, so my dad let him out the front, where he took a nice long pee on the front lawn and trotted back inside and straight to the back door to be let out again. He was still coughing a little bit. My father let him out and decided that his behaviour was weird, despite that he seemed to have more energy when Titan trotted to the back door, and decided we would take him in after work that day, not knowing the severity of his condition.
While Titan was in the backyard, my dad sat down to eat breakfast, and when he finished, went to let Titan back in, which probably took all of five minutes. However, my dad found my dog lying down in the backyard, and called out to him, not realising then that he had passed. When Titan did not move, my dad rushed out to him and realised he wasn't breathing and his heart had stopped beating. The rest of the family, including myself, was then woken up, and after multiple checks we were certain he had indeed passed away. We brought him to the vet and inquired about what could have happened, with many of my family members including myself, simply in shock because we had no idea how sick he was, and were definitely not expecting him to die after three days of symptoms of sickness, and appearing to get better rather than worse. The doctor confirmed that he had not gotten into something toxic, because the vomiting would have been much more severe and accompanied by diarrhea and other signs of poisoning. At the mention of his coughing, the vet immediately said it sounded like a heart problem. At this point my family was so upset and in shock that we were wondering, if we had brought him in monday, if the vet could have saved him. The vet said that if it was his heart, which it sounded like it was, there was most likely nothing they could have done.

Despite this reassurance, I can't stop thinking about "what if", and playing the blame game. Even three weeks later, and looking up a lot of stuff on the internet and reading about similar scenarios, I can't help but wonder if we had taken him in Monday night, if he'd still be here. We opted out of an autopsy because it wouldn't bring him back, and I didn't want to find out that there was something we could have done but didn't, namely to relieve my parents of this blame they were feeling. But even now I blame myself for not knowing he was so sick, since I am usually the first to suggest taking animals to the vet. I blame my parents for waiting, not wanting to spend the money if it was nothing more than a little cough. I blame myself for not looking up his symptoms, which I had planned to do but forgot to, and then it was too late, knowing that if I had researched his symptoms I would have insisted on taking him to the vet immediately. With all of the research after the fact, my family is fairly certain it was heart disease, as heart murmurs and heart disease can go undetected in vet check ups without extensive, specific testing. Given that it was heart disease, and the quick onset of the symptoms, it is likely that we would not have been able to do anything if we had taken him to the vet on monday. But I still cannot stop wondering if it was something else heart related, and that his death could have been prevented if we had taken him in Monday.

Three weeks later I am still rocked with guilt and grief, and I have started to hate myself for letting this happen. My family seem to be doing much better but I am still stuck in this place of denial, bargaining, depression and anger. I do not know what to do to get through this and to understand and accept what has happened. I just really need someone to talk to about it, but don't feel like I can discuss it with my family and friends any longer, because I don't want to make them feel sad or make them feel blame for his death, or to hear again that "bad things happen". I miss him so much and do not know how to cope. My parents are very religious and belief we will see him in heaven, but I don't want to wait that long, and yet there is too much uncertainty in death, and too many people here for me to leave behind. But the thought of living another 70 years without him just feels unbearable and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel better. I just want to hug him but I can't and that does not make sense to me. I am struggling with the purpose of a life that only ends in death.

Sorry for the long post.

I just read your story and want you to know how very sorry I am about the physical loss of your precious Titan !! I have never experienced anything so painful as the loss of a pet.

And guilt, unfortunately, is a part of grief. There's no way you or your family could have known that this was anything serious. I often think that if I took my pets to the vet any time I worried about a possible symptom.... they'd be at the vet every day! I wish we could somehow know when and if something was serious. And even then, often there's nothing that can be done.

I'm thinking that when Titan went pee in the front yard, trotting proudly like that, maybe he was trying to show you that he was fine, even though he knew a physical problem was about to take his earthly life.

Your love for Titan---during his earthly journey with you, and now---is what lasts. Titan absolutely knew, and knows, how much you love him.

Please know that Titan is just fine and wants you to be fine. His body had a heart problem, but his spirit (the real him) is experiencing only bliss and he won't ever know any kind of pain. In the realm he's in, he can be right there with you and off playing at the same time. And to him, it will seem like only a split second has gone by before you join him---even though your time is a long time from now. It doesn't seem possible right now, but with Titan's guidance I believe you're going to bond with and help another dog who needs you. Titan might already have someone picked out. The world needs more truly caring people like you.

I'm so sorry you have to be experiencing this horrendous pain. I'm just glad you found this site. I will be checking on here tomorrow. Please share with us anything you can or want to.

Thinking of you tonight. And Titan is watching over you ,

Kathy

Thank you so much Kathy, you have no idea how much your kind words mean, and how much I needed to hear them.

Hi, MyBabyTitan, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Titan. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so suddenly intensifies the grief.

MyBabyTitan, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with many first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the grief and even accepting his death. I can't stop thinking about "what if", and playing the blame game. Even three weeks later, and looking up a lot of stuff on the internet and reading about similar scenarios, I can't help but wonder if we had taken him in Monday night, if he'd still be here. Three weeks later I am still rocked with guilt and grief, and I have started to hate myself for letting this happen. My family seem to be doing much better but I am still stuck in this place of denial, bargaining, depression and anger. I do not know what to do to get through this and to understand and accept what has happened."

First, this grief journey is not about "acceptance" of a loved one's death - - whoever the life form. It is rather a journey of "adjustment to" the physical absence of your beloved Titan's physical presence, and this is a very painful adjustment both physically and emotionally. Scientific studies prove that every time our companions lick / kiss touch / rub us they are chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us out of all the millions of people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally experience a chemical withdrawal from this imprint, which is another reason why this grief journey is so very painful. We also are faced with the incredibly painful task of adjusting to the "new reality" that our daily routines are now forever changed because they no longer include the daily care that we provided for our companions during their earthly journey. We go to do something and think "oh this is when Titan gets a treat" and you call out for Titan to come - - only to realize in that split second of time that he cannot physically come to you - - and your heart breaks anew with the deepest grief your heart can hardly bear.

As our forum friend Kathy has already comfortingly shared with you guilt / remorse is one of the most difficult emotions of this grief journey to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to makes sense of the things didn't quite add up at the time they where happening, and our hearts and minds are burdened with all the what ifs, if onlys, and whys that haunt us when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

I promise you, MyBabyTitan, that it will not always be this way. One day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Titan and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your many treasured memories you and your beloved Titan share, and you will hear your beloved Titan in your heart softly say to you "thank you so much for everything you did for me during my earthly journey." And you will have the reassurance of knowing that the love bond you and your beloved Titan share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Titan's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much in honoring us in sharing your beloved Titan with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MyBabyTitan, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Mybabytitan
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I lost my best friend Buck in January.
In October I found out that he had a serious heart condition. He started with a slight cough and it became worse over the last few months. I was told there was nothing the vet could do. I was up 3 times a night with him for 3 months. I would tell him that it's okay if he needed to pass. I balled my eyes out every time I told him this. I didn't want to lose my best friend that was a part of my life for 17 Years. I loved him more than life it's self. The day came that I had to make the decision to stop his suffering. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I didn't know how I was going to live without him. I want to share with you something I read about the loss of a animal.
I read that they choose how they want to go. I feel that Buck didn't pass on his own because he knew that I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I think animals know what is the best situation for there pet parent. They choose the way they want to pass. I found much comfort in this and it made me know that it was Bucks wishes that I was there. If he choose to pass on his own I would have to respect his wishes. What I'm trying to say is Titan passed the way he wanted to. He knew it was the best way for him and you.
I have done tons of research on losing a pet and I have finally found peace. I had so much guilt and blame that I sought counseling for help. It's been 3 months and I am finally excepting he's in a better place.
Please read the posts over and over because this is what helps me the most. The people on here are very caring and everything they say makes sense. I now can smile a little when thinking of Buck. I will always have a whole in my heart that belongs to him. My heart goes out to you. Please be patient with yourself and you will realize that you did everything right.
Hugs for you. ..
Jud

Jud,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is very helpful to hear about stories similar to my own, and also a very comforting thought that dogs choose how they want to go. It also helps relieve some of my guilt knowing that many cases of heart disease do not progress as fast as Titan's did, and therefore was likely not preventable given the short time frame between first symptoms and death. I am so sorry for your loss as well, I can not even imagine the strength and bravery it must have taken to make that decision, and wonder if I would have been able to make that call if I had taken Titan in and that had been an option offered to me. I am so happy you were able to find that peace, and I am hoping for that for myself soon, because we know our animals would not want us to be sad and blame ourselves. Being happy and remembering them is what is important now, as well as accepting that there are things we cannot control nor predict.

My sincerest condolences and thanks.

Ohh man, I am just like you..
I do not want to have to wait to see my dog in heaven.. That could be a really really long time!! I hope you are healing and feeling better now. That is strange, I wonder what he got into or if he just had a weird unknown sickness or pathogen.. Anyways, rip to your, mine, & everyones beloved pets. They will remain in spirit with us for eternity. Sorry for your loss, I did notice we both loss our dogs 1 day apart from eachother. What nightmares we have experienced. ( Only let this make us stronger.. :/ Do not feel the guilt though.. I did, but I can't