This time last week I had to put my beautiful little boy down, he was 3 days from his 1st birthday. I came home from work and he hadn't greeted me as usual so when I went to bed I had a check round to see if we could find him. I found him under my son's desk and he just wasn't himself as he didn't get up to see me. He was such an affectionate boy. I picked him up and we checked him over to see if he had been in a fight or if we could see what was wrong. There was a tiny cut on his tummy but we weren't sure if it was where his little willy was. I decided to put him in bed with me and to keep an eye on him overnight and to take him in the morning to the vet. First thing in the morning I spoke to the emergency line and the nurse said she thought it sounded like a UTI. I didn't know cats could get them. I took him in and he was immediately admitted. I was sure they would be able to make him better, I myself have been through cancer and sepsis so I have great faith in doctors. That night the vet phoned and said that they had removed a blockage and that he was looking a little better. The next morning they said his levels were really bad and that he might not recover. I was so shocked and distraught it didn't seem possible. I prayed and prayed and we went and visited him in hospital with my younger son. He was so pleased to see us but was very poorly. The vet said they would try another 24 hours and then we would have to consider putting him to sleep. The next day I didn't hear for ages and I thought I was going to lose my mind however the vet phoned and said we should think about letting him go as his levels were again really bad. I went with my other son and we cuddled and kissed him and cried all over him. he was again so pleased to see us and after he licked my son and head butted me he eventually settled down and purred and went to sleep. The vet then came and euthanised him. It was peaceful but utterly devastating I thought we would have years ahead with him. I feel like such a failure that I didn't take him straight to the vet hospital, I absolutely hate myself for being such a bad parent. I cannot get over how I have let him down. I knew he was poorly but didn't realise how bad. I am also extremely upset that I missed the signs. He had been weeing round the house so I thought he was stressed so I bought some plug in smells to make him calmer. Poor little chap was trying to tell me and I didn't get it. The grief is terrible but the guilt is something I have never experienced before. How can I come to terms with the decisions I made that night. It was a case of shall I take him now or in the morning and i made the wrong decision. I also fed him on good quality dry food which I see now from looking everything up that might have been the cause too. I feel like I have killed my beautiful cat who trusted me.

Hi, Elleode, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bobby. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so very young and unexpectedly intensifies the grief. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Elleode, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately, guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions that is a part of this painful grief journey, and it is one that we ALL experience no matter what the circumstances are of our loss. It comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening and being traumatized from the consuming whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

Please let me try to reassure you that you did NOTHING WRONG in waiting until the next day to take your beloved Bobby into the vet. I have had companions with end stage renal failure, - - giving your beloved Bobby the opportunity to spend one more night of his earthly journey in his home embraced in your loving arms is the greatest gift you could give him under the circumstances. Our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling. This comes from a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins that enables them to disguise how they are feeling until they can no longer hide the symptoms of illness / injury. By this time the effects of the illness / injury have already taken a toll on their physical body. Sometimes veterinary medicine - - as with human medicine - - can restore them to stable health whereby they can continue to enjoy a good quality of life. And sadly, sometimes veterinary medicine can only help ease our beloved companion's transition journey from this earthly realm. I hope in time as your deep grief eases you will come to know that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Bobby a happy, healthy earthly journey, and know beyond all shadow of a doubt that your beloved Bobby is eternally grateful to have you for his Forever Mom.

As painful as this grief journey is adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Bobby, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Bobby share. Love is eternal, Elleode -- it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bobby's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope in some way that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Bobby with us, Elleode. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Elleode,

I just read your story and want you to know that I am so very sorry for the physical loss of your precious kitty Bobby!

There is nothing like this kind of pain, and I (and others here) can really relate to the feelings of guilt. Guilt is almost always a part of grief, because we are human and in hindsight, there are always things we could have done differently. I have read that on this site many times over the years---and I have personally experienced it many times. I think my worst was with my cat Mariah, who was only 3 when I lost her to pancreatitis in 1998. The guilt was intense and remained for 15 years! I kicked myself for missing the seriousness of the signs. I would have given anything to be able to turn back the clock. I never could have imagined that I wouldn't have her for many more years (I had even taken that for granted. Just never in my wildest nightmares imagined I could lose her so young.)

I so very much agree with moon_beam's words: "Please let me try to reassure you that you did NOTHING WRONG in waiting until the next day to take your beloved Bobby into the vet. I have had companions with end stage renal failure, - - giving your beloved Bobby the opportunity to spend one more night of his earthly journey in his home embraced in your loving arms is the greatest gift you could give him under the circumstances.

Some of us here have wondered whether it might have been our pets' time to pass on. Maybe when we have thought that they were trying to tell us to take them to the vet, they were actually preparing for their time to pass on. Either way, they are in pure bliss now (no loneliness, no suffering) and we will be fully reunited with them when it is our time to pass on. And in the meantime they are still with us! They are free and at the same time they are with us. They do not want us feeling guilt and pain. I believe that purring at the vet's was your sweet Bobby's way of thanking you for being such a loving Mom. Other pets show that in other various ways. Most animals never get that lucky, to even experience love. They are used for all sorts of things but aren't valued and loved.

In 2012 I lost my kitty Dolly to acute renal failure. When I read the title of your post I felt a stab in my heart. The first vet I called said she should be fine (even though I described the symptoms). I brought her to another vet (who I've seen before and has seemed very good) who at first thought nothing was really wrong. I asked for blood tests... The vet returned to the exam room a few minutes later almost crying and out of breath.... "Dolly has Stage 4 renal failure." Even this vet hadn't caught it !! Thought it might be "stress" over something.

You are NOT a bad parent !!! NOT AT ALL ! I firmly believe that God chose you to be Bobby's Mom because there was no one better suited for that role. I hope you can believe me. I feel it's true.

Do you have supportive family / friends ? Do you have other pets? You always have us and we will help you through this pain that is so excruciating that there are no words for it.

Please keep in close touch!!

Sending you hugs and prayers of comfort,

Kathy
P.S. If the roles were reversed and it had been you who had passed on, you would not want Bobby experiencing any guilt. You would want only that he have as much comfort as possible while still in his earthly body.

Thank you so, so much both of you for your love, support and understanding and taking the time to reply to me. I will try and think of having Bobby close to me the night before hospital as not such a terrible crime after all.. He snuggled up to me which he had never done before, usually preferring to sleep at the end of the bed because of my little dog. I am reading "Goodbye dear friend" today then tomorrow I have to go back to work and pull myself together. I have two teenagers who are taking it very badly also so I have to try and be strong for them. Bobby was truly loved and he knew it bless him in his short life, I am trying to focus on the positive but we feel robbed. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who goes over all the "what if" scenarios, it is very hard to handle emotionally and only pet owners who love their pets can understand this guilt and grief so I thank you for your kind words.

Hi, Elleode, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you and your children are experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - still very normal. Clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. Additionally, they also recognize that people grieve differently, and that children / teenagers grieve differently from adults. Many people think they need to be "strong" for their children / spouse and consequently suppress their grief. Clinical professionals recognize that suppressed grief is not healthy physically or emotionally. Instead, they recognize the need for individuals and family members to grieve both in their own way as they need to - - and together.

When I was a very young girl many decades ago my little kitty companion Willie passed from this earthly realm at a very young age of 3 years old. I was devastated by this loss, but my parents and older siblings seemed to shrug it off as though nothing significant had happened - - and I was expected to do the same. One day I guess I was "acting out" while my mom was sewing and she got very perturbed with me and wanted me to "behave." I blurted out "I want Willie back." My mom looked at me and said, "he's not coming back so get used to it." So I was alone in my grief. It was only years later into my younger adult years that my mom began to understand how shattered my heart was as a young girl, and tried to offer me comfort whenever another beloved companion transitioned home to the angels. So many years ago there was no acknowledgement of a beloved companion's physical loss. Even today although clinical professionals recognize the need to grieve the physical loss of a beloved companion, some people - - sometimes even those who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not. Some people still think of beloved companions as "expendable".

While I was working I remember so well having to put on what I call the "public face" to get through the day and for being so very thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could make a retreat to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue my work. And then getting into the car for the drive home and the dam of gut-wrenching tears bursting forth that had been held in all day long. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally wash the toxins out of the body that build up from the stress of grieving. So it is important that you and your children allow yourselves the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Bobby even if you need to find a private place away from others to do so. Some people may think that crying weeks, months after a loss is "not normal." Please believe me when I tell you that even all these years later whenever I think of my beloved Willie I can still feel a mist come to my eyes as my heart misses him still. The good news is that eventually the deep grief does ease so that even with the mist I can remember with a smile all the many wonderful things I enjoyed with my beloved Willie - - and feel the joy and warmth of his sweet Living Spirit stir in my heart.

It is important that you and your children and family know that grieving is both physical and emotional. There may be times when the grief is so overwhelming you may feel like you're losing your mind. I assure you this is perfectly normal. As our forum friend Kathy has so comfortingly reassured you, please let me reaffirm that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us to help you through your grief adjustment journey. Please know you are among friends here who understand from first hand experience how difficult this grief adjustment journey is, and we are here to share with you whatever is in your heart and on your mind - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

Elleode, I hope what I share with you is helpful to you - - to reassure you that the deep grief you and your children and family are feeling is normal, and eventually the deep grief will ease. It is important that you take one day at a time, one moment at a time.

I hope today is treating you, your children, and family kindly, and that each of you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bobby's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Elleode,

Just checking in on you.

Saw your compassionate reply to another member and was happy to read there about your little Maggie. I am sure you are both such a comfort to each other and that's just what sweet Bobby wants.

Check in anytime!

Thinking of you,
Kathy