You were always a special boy, Tristan, but your most amazing traits were evident during your hard fought war. 14 months ago you decided you would not be a victim of circumstance, the first attack came and you lost a third of your weight and became severely dehydrated -we fought the doctor and came home with you and your IV, remember? I didn't trust anyone would take care of you as I would-... That's when we started "spooning" it was the only way I could keep you from pulling your IV. I don't think I really decided to keep doing it once the IV was out, it just felt right me holding you each and every night from then on. Slowly but surely, you regained your weight. Then your sight began to fail, very very slowly. I was amazed you were not deterred by it, you learned to walk around, bumped your head a lot but kept going. Then I saw signs of motor communication issues, you were not able to "push reverse", so we made sure you were always allowed a path straightforward. Other issues with your liver and kidney were diagnosed -I am beginning to doubt the doctors were ever right- but you -again- amazed everyone not only surpassing the 2 days to live after the IV but the month they thought you would last after the kidney /liver diagnosis. You were so brave all the while; I don't think I ever saw you sad. I remember sometimes you got scared or confused and called me -that sweet cry you used only for me- until I came and hold you, you were so calm in my arms. Tell you the truth, I don't remember you being so active before; it seems like you decided to take each step you could, you were not gonna take thing lying down. You never ever stopped, not the loss of your sight nor your deteriorating motor skills were ever enough against your spirit, not ever. I remember how you loved your pen, there you could go for miles without stopping for anyone or anything but yourself. I remember watching you through the camera go round and round, and the last few months when I brought it up to my office, oh how I loved to have you near, you seemed happy and content. We had our ups and downs in this war, your motor skills really deteriorated late March, but a change in doctors led us to new meds which seemed to have a Lazarus kind of effect -although the doctor only gave you a month or two more-. I don’t think you ever believed the doctors when they gave you a timetable; maybe you were just to stubborn, maybe you didn’t want to leave me. I believed in you in your strength, so I started researching every natural homeopathic or alternative treatment, everything was made available to you. You truly seemed to get better. You seemed unstoppable, indestructible... You.

Last Wednesday I was freaking out again, you were eating a bit less and having labored breathing in certain positions... But you were walking, that meant you were strong and fighting right?! The doctors -the three of them- said that it was expected and manageable, one thought it was due to a congestion in your forehead the other two a consequence of your cancer pushing on some other nerves. All of them gave you something; only the one with the acupuncture training seemed to relieve your symptoms. I really thought you'd pull through as always, my little fighter. By Friday the other doctors gave you more meds, that afternoon Danny came home from his trip just in time as you were getting worse and we had to take you to the hospital. I didn't wanna leave you there, we had never spent a night apart since this began. I really didn't want to leave you there, but the doctor said this time I couldn't take care of you at home. I came to see you the next morning, I brought you your pillow, you looked tired and a bit out; they said you had fluid in your thorax and had to start taking it out slowly. Definitely couldn't take you home now. I wanted to, I swear. I was so sad that Danny said I should call my mom, which I did; somehow she knew you better and knew you were tired and ready to go. She got on a plane immediately, she loves us that much. She knew but I didn't -maybe I refused to accept you could be done with this "stage", I've been trying to believe this is just a stage after which there's another one to come, I need too-. I came back that afternoon to see you again and stayed another hour by your side, I wanted to be by your side so that you could sleep and get better, you snoozed for a bit. I asked you to let me know if you wanted to let go, I think you tried to stay a bit more in the fight to be with me, thank you for that. I went home with my heart in pieces, almost couldn't drive. Mom finally arrived after almost six hours of airports and planes; she said I should really see what was on your heart, that if you were done fighting I should not make you stay in pain, not for my sake, you had done plenty in these months of bravely fighting the unknown. I had to do this last act of love and exchange your pain for mine, if need be. You should know, Tris, I kept calling since I left you there on Friday to see how you were doing, doctors hated that but I didn't mind. Sunday came and I was already awake, couldn't sleep really. I called again, you were worse; I said I'd come and get you... It was time. I had talked about this possibility to your last doctor; this wouldn't be done in there, not where so much pain was going on, so much noise. No, if I had to let you go you could not be scared, I needed to make sure you felt safe to transition. You needed to be home. I arranged a deal, he'd come home to help when the time came; he couldn't at the last minute, so I made a new deal: I'd do it-"Just give me the shot, I'll sign anything", I said-. I couldn't trade your peace for anything I might feel later, Mom said I had to return all your strength. She's so wise. Danny took care of everything leaving me the opportunity to hold you and assure you that I would keep my promise and make everything better; he was crying all the while, he was so strong for us. You were very sad, as soon as I lifted you your expression changed you haven't been able to see anything but shadows for 3+ months but you knew it was me picking you up in my arms. On the ride home your breath calmed down, you knew we were taking you home. After all the trips of the last months cars are no longer a scary thing for you, my love -heck, you even slept on both airplane rides and our road trips-. I was holding you so close, that ride seemed endless and short at the same time. When we got home I put you on our bed, we all got around you and gave you lot of love, each of us remembered some bit of our time with you. Even your brother Apolo gave you a few licks and stayed by your side the whole time. Your breathing was back to normal and your eyes were almost shut. We were celebrating your amazing and courageous life, how you were able to cope, adapt and thrive after every new obstacle. While we talked, I gave you drops of brown sugar in boiled water that Danny made for you -he remembered after a procedure you can always taste the medicine and did not want you to have that bitter taste in your mouth-. We talked and whispered to your ear all the things we wanted to tell you; with each word you seemed better. You were no longer confused, you were aware and you knew you were home with those who loved you the most. We said our goodbyes with joy to have met you, and I tried to hold back the pain so that you wouldn't feel as if you had to stay, not in pain. I snuggled up to you, put my arm around you and told you we would go for one last nap, I felt how you relaxed, you knew this, you knew naptime. I asked for the syringe and placed it on the IV, I started to tell you how much I loved you and how brave you had been; then, I told you about a place where you would somehow exist and of those who would be waiting there to meet you. I told you about my great-grandmother Chuy, the one to "blame" for my love for cats, how she was the one that taught me how to love these furry tender souls; she would be waiting for you, she would have you on her lap while knitting another "cat pillow" for me. I told you about her son -my grandfather Manuel-, told you to look for the guy with the white 5 o'clock shadow beard and a ponytail, he would feed you. I warned you my grandfather Poncho would moan you had been over spoiled, but not to worry as he always does that; he would make sure you are safe for you are mine and he loves what I love -his mom, my great-grandmother Josefa would make sure of that-. I had one last favor to ask of you, to save a place for me to join you later. It was time, I said a thousand times "I love you" as I pushed ever so slowly the liquid through your IV. I hugged you and felt your breathing slow down, Danny took the syringe from me and made sure he was the last to push it in -he didn't want that on me-. I held back the tears, mom said it could stop you from going in peace, so I held it in... I wanted you happy, better. I stayed there holding you, kissing you. Then you were free.

Nothing was planned, but everything that followed was so right. We tended to your body as if you were still there, we removed the IV and the probe carefully then mom and I slowly cleaned you up. Danny felt it would be a way of honoring your love to put some perfumed oil all over your lovely fur, we chose blackcurrant and vanilla for you. When we finished preparing you for the next step, Mom and Danny left the room so I could be alone with you. I snuggled up against you, hugged you and played a few songs while I smelled your little head for the last time. I wanted to remember how your body felt against mine, at the time I felt you needed protecting but now I know it was me who was in need not you. I finally gathered the strength and carried you down the stairs, it felt surreal; you were in my arms, waiting to be taken somewhere but you were not really there. We took you to the crematorium, it was Sunday, we were told the last goodbye would have to be on Monday. I panicked for a second thinking about leaving you there, in the cold; I had to remind myself that you were no longer there. Monday came and I saw you again, mom says it was a blessing as it gave us time to say goodbye again a little bit calmer this time, a little less hurt. I said one last goodbye and then it was done. I took you back home that day, and I asked mom to take you back with her... back to my real home. You're so important, Tris, that she came to see you when you were so sick to help me choose what was best for you and then took you home. Home, to our garden, the place where the other souls of our life companions that went before you would guide you to your place among those I love so that you could wait for me. That's how important you are.

Danny dreamt of you Sunday night, he thought he was petting Apolo but it felt different, when he looked back it was you he was touching -your hair looked brighter, it shinned through-, you let him feel you for a while and in a very cat like way stood up and went to play with your siblings. He says that was you coming back to let us know you're all right. Since you've transcended, your sister Eva has been playing with rays of light -mom pointed it out to me first on Sunday-. Eva just did it again as I am writing, I don't remember her ever doing that and I wonder if it's you that's playing with her -free of your enemy, back in your prime-. I am now preparing for you to come to me, Danny says I have to be calm first, maybe sleep a whole night without waking up in the middle scared that you're no longer by my side and that I didn't do enough. He says you'll come to me. I am waiting...



https://youtu.be/gfq121ykQQc

what a beautiful, loving, and gracious tribute to your most special little boy. all of you were so blessed to have each other. i'm so very sorry for your loss and hope you feel him snuggling and spooning with you.

i hope your recovery will be filled with healing light.

Hi, Alicia, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Tristan. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Alicia, there is no doubt from what you share with us that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Tristan a happy and healthy earthly journey. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for this grief journey is both a physical and emotional adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Tristan. It is important that you know you are not alone in this grief journey - - we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

The imagery of your beloved Tristan's transition is beautiful, and I hope it will bring comfort to your heart knowing that your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey for he is always and forever in your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you - - for love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space.

I know so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Tristan with us, Alicia. He is soooo handsome, and it is obvious from the pictures that he knows he is eternally loved. You are blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love, and he is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom.

I hope you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

What a beautiful boy. I can't add anything better than what moon_beam has posted here. Our deepest and heartfelt condolences on the crossing of your precious Tristan to the Rainbow Bridge. God Bless.

TTT

Thank you Monique, moon_beam & Tom'sDad your words are kind, warm and comforting, which is exactly what my soul needs right now. He is handsome; I miss seeing his face every morning -the photo I'm uploading is an example of what I used to wake up to-. I hope the last days he spent on this place didn't make him think I didn't love him anymore; I regret leaving him there for 2 nights. I am still waiting to feel his spirit, I was never spiritual and now all I want is to awaken that side of me, maybe then I'll feel him. Maybe then peace will start to seep in.

My mind is filled with questions and doubts that incessantly assault me. I keep retracing my steps and blaming myself for the mistakes I think I made along the way, I could have done more maybe. I feel guilty. Danny talks to me to help me make sense of the things that happened, reminds me of how he enjoyed his life, how he was active up until the end. He says that if you have to go that's the way to do it, and that we gave him that dignity with our efforts. Still doubt lingers, robs me from my sleep and makes me break in half crying out for him. Last Friday was the begging of my pain, I ran out of home with my baby Tristan and his dad (Danny) to the hospital, as he was getting worse. How I hated it. I keep going back to a few days before when I called his vet and asked them if the sporadic bits of labored breathing were anything to watch it for, he said to give him more of the pain medicine and the steroids-"No need to bring him in"-. The very next morning we were with the veterinarian acupuncturist, I was researching alternative options to give him a better quality of life, this was our first and -as it turned out- last appointment; he didn't see much to worry either, but alleviated his symptoms. Even on Friday morning they gave him more meds and thought it was something else, nothing that needed immediate attention. I keep thinking: I should have put more pressure on them to find out what it was, and that I should have been relentless. Why didn't they look for more? Why wasn't I more obstinate? What else should I have noticed? When would it be early enough to do something? Why this? Why that? What? When? Why can't I turn back time? What would I do if I could? Other than spending more time with him I don't know. All I know is that he was in my care and I let him down, I keep thinking I made a mistake somewhere along the way and let this happen.

The only ways I've found to keep those thoughts at bay are: 1) to talk things through with Danny or my mom-she calls several times a day to see how we're doing with this-, 2) working, and 3) to search all over for mementos of Tris. I took my time making that video, and tried to keep it in a non-depressive mood. But as soon as I stop talking, as soon as I stop collecting memories of Tris, as soon as I stop doing my job... the sadness arrives ever so strong. The stories on this forum calm me down; I can see I'm not the only one that feels these things, and definitely not the only one that burst in tears at the slightest memory of our beloved. I thank you so much for accepting me; I will find solace in this place...

oh my goodness, the video... i cried and cried, for all the joy of your beloved companion in the lap of luxury, just pure contentment on his face during naps with his friends, never a care in the world, fleece bedding, so much love! he was such a contented cat! he loved, loved, LOVED being with you.

and then the sorrow, as his physical body started to deteriorate and just plainly give out. he still loved being in the middle of everything and being groomed by his friend, napping together while they played or kept him company.

your video captures his incredible life very well. it is clear that living in your home one wants for nothing, and he cherished that! he really and truly loved every single second of being with you.

your description of all you did in the last part of his life, including the very good fortune to be able to bring him home and spend time with him, talking to him, playing songs. he transitioned in The Absolute Most Gentle Way Possible. this may be of little consolation for you now, but from where i sit, this is the ultimate grace and is not always afforded. how well i know. the questioning of what all you did, and didn't do, and wished you had done, and how did you miss this, and why did you miss that, and why didn't you know about this or that. you were so very much in the moment. that's all you had to do and that was the right course of action. i have quite a bit of experience with cats and associated health issues. you managed to keep him comfortable and maintain his quality of life when major systems were failing. had you done more, he would have suffered. had you done less, he would have experienced more discomfort. you found and maintained a balance, despite yourself and any questioning or misgivings you had regarding what the right course of action was. less is more. never forget that, esp. in regards to cats. they do not want invasive procedures. they manage the best with minimal supportive care. what i thought was life saving surgery for mackenzie, was her end. i did the best i could with the knowledge i had at the time. i believe her end was near even without the surgery that sped things up. my point is that, her end could have been peaceful like tristan. that is what she wanted and i knew too much too late.

i was guilty of overdoing it with mackenzie via sobering hindsight. by the grace of God, she hung in there until i got her home from surgery. she wanted to be with me and die at home. you arranged that beautifully! tristan is hugging you over and over for all of your beautiful efforts to keep him part of your loving embrace until his last breath without compromising anything!

i have two writings i refer to regularly, have printed them out, and keep them near. one is from christine kane, http://christinekane.com/on-losing-a-belov...h.gfCbPipp.dpbs, and the other, http://www.tickld.com/x/old-man-explains-d...eving-young-man, draws a profound visual to the deepest pain of the loss of a loved one. i hope they will help you.

i know right now you want him back- you always will. you would bargain for another day, hour, second, even though he is already gone... for all the dear peeps i have lost, this never goes away, just that the waves are not as high or crash as destructively as they did right after the loss (from the second referenced writing).

i don't know how much you have read on my post, which started with losing mackenzie last year, and has become my place of refuge for all the ones i have lost before and since. it is sort of my testimony to a huge life's work and who i am. i have not found any other place that provides me the comfort, kinship, and safety. and that includes the physical presence of others- no one locally to me can help me the way people on this site do. losing madelynne recently has been the most cursingly traumatic loss to date and i'm on here whenever possible, several times most days. i need so much help and then i don't know what help i need exactly. so i write. a lot. with other losses, it just depends.

i hope that you find a steady beacon for your journey. if that is here, you are among a huge community that understands and shares your pain. it is the best maintained site i have ever been on. LS Support travels these pages on a regular bases. everything works seamlessly. if you have questions on anything, you can email him. moon_beam and others are always there for you. you can see by the number of visits to you posts how widely read it is. some will leave messages. many will not. i personally find comfort in seeing the number of visits tick up. i know i'm not alone even if the visits are "unspoken."

xo

Dear Monique,

Thank you for your message, I made the video get a handle on my grief to collect all the pics of his lovely face, you saw more on it than I did. His life was privileged, yes, but not for having money to spare but for deciding they -Tris and his siblings- were what we would spend our money and time on. And yes, he was loved, profoundly. As you do, my mom also thinks he stayed and fought for as long as he did just because he loved being with me. I'm beginning to believe it, as I think about it my heart fills with joy. I hope he felt every bit of love that we had for him, all of us. He was adored!

I am beginning to understand we were -in perspective- very lucky to have this gentle ending -as you put it-. It could have gone so much worse for him if we had let the vet prolong his life/agony -there was the option for more procedures, but my Mom convinced me it would not be what he wanted-. Your words regarding my doubts on the decisions made on the way have helped us; yes, I said us. I've shown Danny the forum and he's been reading what you've all written, he says the perspective of other fur parents helps him -too- understand better and has calmed his doubts too about the path we chose. What you say about the balance in which we kept him in order to maintain his quality of life has lifted a heavy burden from our hearts: "had you done more, he would have suffered. had you done less, he would have experienced more discomfort", you are so right... We felt as if we had failed him, but maybe we did just what he needed us to do. He WAS happy right to the very end after all. I am grateful for my mom convincing me not to have anything more done, having more invasive procedures would have been disrespectful, harmful and ultimately useless. Your point of view has allowed a bit of the shame of failing to dissipate. "Tristan is hugging you over and over for all of your beautiful efforts to keep him part of your loving embrace until his last breath without compromising anything!", tears welled up in my eyes as I read your words... I hope he felt what we did for him, I hope we did good by him, I want to believe he knew we did everything to show him our love all the way to the end.

I read both of the writings you referred to on your message, I had previously found one of your links in some other tread to the Christine Kane article and loved it; but the one of the old man, the scars of love... that one's so powerful! It made me realize what's been happening in me, all the searing pain in my heart has just been the scar forming; and the pain has been so great for the love I have for him is equally so. I will wear this scar proudly, I will run my fingers through it every day and it will still ache but the pain will eventually leave a sweet taste in my mouth because I will remember I loved him so and how much I was loved in return.

I am so sorry about the lovely Mackenzie, Madelynne, the bunnies and all the others... I just finished reading your topic. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote on it. The self-blame, guilt, shame, anger, the assaults that come without warning "from very dark places" everything. Your experience has been different and alike at the same time. The first days I couldn't breathe at night either, panic attacks woke me up and kept me from falling asleep again. I was treated to the worst movie reel, one filled with images of him trapped on that metal cube -I remember you wrote something about this also from your experience with Mackenzie-. I have had chills remembering him like that, only the pillow I brought him provided him with comfort on such a cold and unforgiving environment. Leaving him there still haunts me. As you said, "She trusted me with her life and I failed her.", I feel that too. Anger has assaulted me too, mostly self directed at first but lately towards the vets -by the end there were 4 involved- and their insistence to keep probing and drugging him. What I can't forgive them is how I asked on each time, each call if it was worth it to keep on trying, to keep him there -away from me-... they always said yes. Two nights may not seem like much to others , but I know you understand that for me it was forever. I realize now it is a business after all, they naturally-although inhumanely- want to prolong their lives even with no quality at all anymore. More time equals money, a lot of them have lost the love for animals that led them to that career. I called the other day to know more of what happened, to make sure Tristan's siblings were not in any kind of danger; they each gave different reasons from the other. I don't think they know, or care. We were lucky, though, our boy was spared of suffering and as you said had a peaceful end. We have indeed been blessed with that.

As I am writing this I find myself calming down a bit, my heart is finally catching up to my brain. They are finally communicating, your words have helped. I found this forum while looking desperately for answers, I found you guys and a tiny bit of light pierced through the dark clouds hanging over my soul. As moon_beam wrote "we come here broken and reeling from the deepest pain" and then we find each other. And luckily some are as thoughtful and wise as moon_beam and you Monique, I don't take your advise lightly; from what I've read this bits of wisdom come from you guys having endured this pain over and over again, these are the teachings left by your scars. I thank you for sharing what you've learned from all that suffering. I won't forget. I am so grateful I found you guys.

good morning,

so many thoughts and head nods coming to mind with what you wrote. since i have a very large and complicated animal household, death is a looming event, esp. now that my peeps are aging. most of my cats are about the same age. anticipatory grief is a constant presence. how to manage it all...

when i lost my dear, sweet mackenzie, i searched high and low for help. this was not the first time that i looked for help regarding losing a furred or feathered companion. i tried counseling at one point. several counselors later and many deer in the headlight looks, i gave that up. so, after mackenzie, i just happened onto this site. that is when i found the christine kane blog about losing her beloved cat. her words are so simple, yet so far reaching and true. they are easy to read and comprehend when my mind is in a huge fog. big words and complicated windings are virtually impossible to grasp.

i also decided after mackenzie: no more invasive procedures. i now manage chronic and acute conditions differently. even if you had done slews of additional medications and procedures with him, like i did mackenzie, you would have to find a way to forgive yourself. regardless of the path you chose or by some "force," you loved your tristan deeply and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him. from where i sit, i ache for mackenzie and wish i had chosen the gentle path. that is hindsight and second guessing adding insult and injury to an already extremely painful trial. i share your frustration with the medical profession. dr. jolley is the only vet who i trust, and yet she is not versed in alternative medicine. with my use of manuka honey, she confessed she does not consider such things. the good news is that she is willing to check into it. i offered that not everyone has the means by which to pay 1000s for meds and procedures that, in the end, do not add value to the life of the animal. these pet owners still want to do something to help their beloved companions as they struggle with health issues. things like the honey are very worthy of note and i wish western practitioners would include alternative approaches on their agendas. i read and research all the time, and question everything. in the end, i may not have always captured everything correctly, or hindsight offers something i overlooked. that is where my "human-ness" is simply limited and i try to forgive myself. work in progress. but, for sure, i am dismayed at the veterinary profession. drugs and services continue to escalate in price and they have to pay somehow for equipment, clinics, and staff.

so i have learned and changed since mackenzie. i had to, as i have so, so many who still need to pass and i cannot fall apart. i want to come out the other end with grace and peace, and to look forward to seeing them all again. not land at the finish line in a mentally deranged heap in a padded cell. i have seen that happen to many rescuers who have lost their footing. not only does the individual suffer, but so do the animals.

i now manage chronic and acute situations differently. and with each case, i evaluate closely whether western medications are called for, and if there is a way to manage for the ultimate benefit to the animal. chronic conditions include anything for which there is no cure or where procedure may offer only minimal life extension. acute situations are injuries or health maintenance events like dentals, infections. i have many examples of each already, where i have or am approaching with minimalistic management or treatments, and in the end, like losing sammy jo, i find greater peace that the animal was allowed to live as natural a life as possible.

take for ex. my bunny, jamy. he had a ganglion cyst on his wrist that was inoperable due to location. eventually, it grew to break the skin open. so now i had not only the cyst to manage, but the risk of infection. after trying clay packs and coconut oil (with daily cleansing and wrapping), both of which greatly helped to keep the area clean and free of infection, i started using manuka honey both topically and orally. in 12 days, this huge cyst reduced to 1/3 its size. sadly, he passed away as he was a very senior bunny (about 10 yrs old) and had other health issues like advanced arthritis. he beat the cyst, though, using the honey.

i have a dog, cale (ka-lee), who started having trouble urinating last winter. in april of this year, after trying several things like antibiotics, i took her in for tests, and dr, jolley found a mass in the retroperitoneal area (i think i spelled that right, the area at the base of the tail, the space between the spine and the intestines). this was considered secondary to a mass somewhere else, maybe the bladder. the only was to find this out was to perform more tests: mri, exploratory surgery, more xrays, maybe chemo or radiation, and travel to specialty clinics. this meant cale was going to spend an untold amount of time in the care of strangers, in hospitals where she would smell fear, illness, death, aggression, stress, sadness, hopeless, helpless, and the cries of all the other animals who wondered why they were there and where their parents were. and, at least $10K later, i would maybe have some answers and a severely depleted dog, who if she in fact has the dreaded C, would now surely pass sooner. opening up an animal, just like with people, with the dreaded C, just makes the cancer rage. i don't know why, but there are plenty of cases in my home alone, where invasive procedures have not only traumatized the animal unnecessarily, but shortened their lives. my sammy jo- i only had her for 13 months. a senior peep in a kill shelter. dr. jolley removed 3 growths that were considered malignant, margins clear. she was thriving at first, gaining weight. that was short-lived. she struggled with eating for most of the time i had her. i stopped her heart medications and that seemed to help. she developed a horrible smell coming from her mouth, something very deep down was very, very bad, let's just put it that way. bloodwork showed nothing- it rarely does! she stopped eating in the first week of june. i tried everything to keep her comfortable. in the morning of 15 june, she started passing blood and could not walk anymore. advanced renal failure. i helped her to eternal care. i wish i had just given her honey and not ever put her through surgery. i did not know about the honey at the time! no amount of digging on the internet showed manuka honey. i stumbled on this by accident in researching wound care for jamy, and then specifically read about manuka honey and read some cases, where it actually stops cancer cells from growing. so, the point here is, that opening her up was a mistake... again, the grief on this is horrible. second guessing, guilt. the fact that i didn't know about the honey is just not good enough for this stage of grief. it's all part of wanting her back and wanted a second chance to do it better. negotiating endlessly to somehow change the outcome.

so, on cale, i stopped listening at the point where dr. jolley made her diagnosis and spelled out the treatment options, took cale home, and started her on manuka honey twice a day. that was 8 may. she had an event starting 10 july and ending 3 aug, where she stopped eating and developed an infection between her back legs, that quickly evolved into pitting edema. dr. jolley said this was all related to the dreaded C diagnosis. i ignored this. i believe she had a deep infection, like cellulitis, that started with bacteria left in her body from a madelynne attack last feb. i syringe fed her twice a day, applied manuka honey, epsom and sea salt packs, and oral manuka honey. i did end up giving her a round of baytril antibiotics as i didn't want to prolong the infection given what else she may be dealing with. she is stable, eating well, great body score. still strains a bit to urinate. when this all started, she started digging huge holes in the yard. and to this day, she still does this. i have had her since 2007 and not once in all the years has she dug any holes. i think maybe she finds this therapeutic somehow and maybe she's eating dirt along the way, who knows? i'm just happy to have her doing so well, and whisper in her ear every day, Don't give up.

i have a little guinea pig, blossom, whose nipples became quite swollen a few months ago. this is indicative of ovarian cysts. she is not spayed. this is ill advised for female piggies, as it takes a huge toll on their little bodies and many do not survive. they mostly pass from conditions other than reproductive cancers. i started giving her a little manuka honey once a day. the swelling has gone down and she has gained weight. i have not taken her to the vet. there is no point. i will not put her through surgery and antibiotics for anything else are ill advised, as they kill the delicate microbial environment in the gut, which leads to statis, which can lead to death. the manuka honey has antibacterial properties, so if she's dealing with an infection, albeit highly unlikely given that she has no symptoms along these lines, the honey will take of this. and in the meantime, she is a happy little piggy running around with her friends.

in closing (for now), i wanted to tell you that one therapist told me something i have always remembered. the lives of our companions are a long string of millions of moments. when a peep passes, that is only one moment out of all of them. i strive to put passing into that perspective so as to define lives as unbalanced, where so much emphasis is placed on the end. as moon_beam so often writes, only the physical form ends. the living spirit is still always there. we, as humans, have to find a way to be ok with the physical part no longer there, and allow love to come in to a new door. all this is easier said than done. i have achieved this for some i have lost. others, i'm not there yet, and with madelynne, this will take some time as i'm so very out of sorts with how her life was with me and how it ended (by my hand, the playing God...).

i am glad you find comfort in being here. allow yourself to cry and question and feel the pain. if i don't allow what i call insulting grief phases, i end up in an eternal do loop.

xo

Hi, Alicia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions kiss / lick us, rub / touch us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the millions of other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally go through a physical, and emotional, withdrawal from their chemical imprint. This is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so very painful both physically and emotionally.

During the deepest grief, we find ourselves emotionally vulnerable - - unable to control our episodes of crying as the deep sorrow literally consumes our physical bodies - - heart, mind, and soul. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears because they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. This is one of the many reasons why clinical professionals encourage people to release their deepest sorrow - - even if we have to find a private place away from others to do it - - it is healthy to cry.

Like our forum friend Monique, I wish to affirm her comforting words to you regarding your and Danny's care of your beloved Tristan. Just because a medical procedure CAN BE done does not necessarily mean that it is appropriate "to be done". Veterinary medicine has now moved into equal technological care as human medicine - - which is not always compassioinate care in either human or veterinary practice. It is important that our veterinary care providers offer us the treatment "options" available so that we can make as best an "informed decision" we can under the circumstances of our companion's medical needs. We are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - we can only make decisions to the best of our ability with the information and resources we have at any given time. Part of this grief adjustment journey is enduring the guilt / remorse that tortures our hearts and minds when we are so emotionally vulnerable - - the whys, what ifs, if onlys that haunt us "did I make the right decisions". Hopefully in time as the deep grief eases you and Danny will be able to feel confident and find a peace in your hearts and minds that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Tristan a happy, healthy earthly journey - - and that he is sooooo very grateful to you for your enduring eternal love.

I hope today is treating you and Danny kindly, Alicia, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and Danny are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Monique & moon_beam:

I'm sorry I couldn't write before, I just couldn't. All weekend I kept thinking: "today a week ago at this time he was still alive, and I left him there", this recurring thought would jump into the front of my mind at every opportunity. Had to keep my mind numb, occupied, tried to keep it the thought away. Still had lot's of crying fits. Sunday came and Danny was wondering if I would be strong enough already to retake our usual routine to go to this market and spend time with our dog like we used to, I just couldn't. We used to wakeup early and carefully leave Tris in bed, I used to place the cameras so that I could keep an eye on hime while we were away -that's were most of those pics of him sleeping came from-. We were never gone for more than 4 hours, but it was the longest I used to leave him alone and he was always happily asleep by the time we came back. He always slept late on Sundays. Still I feel guilty, guilty for always leaving him instead of staying with him, guilty for not being able to prevent whatever happened, guilty because my life will go on without him here. And then I feel guilty 'cause I'm letting Danny down too, I'm putting a halt to everything in our lives.

I woke up today thinking: "he hasn't been eating well, I should make sure he eats something nice today", then reality came crashing down reminding me he's no longer here for me to take care of. I sometimes feel I'm going out of my mind, why do I still think about feeding him every morning? Sometimes my mind just wonders, "what if it's just a bad dream? maybe I left him downstairs? maybe he's in his pen? maybe he's asleep still in the bed?". I keep waiting to see him, I just can't find him.

alicia,

i'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain. please, please do not feel obligated to write, esp. if you receive letters from others. grief is wildly different for everyone. for me, there are passings i have experienced about which i have written nothing, others delayed responses, and then with madelynne, virtually a constant and that is now slowing a bit. moon_beam always tells me to find time for me. please feel ok with whatever pace that makes the most sense to you. danny is grieving in his own way. he is ready to resume a normal activity level. that is what works for him.

i always feel guilty not spending enough time with my furred and feathered companions. this starts when they are alive and continues into the guilt phase of when they pass, always feeling i had not done enough, and like you, why wasn't i there more, home more, did a millions things "more." the part about still taking care of him and then realizing he is no longer physically there: this is so very normal. both with sammy jo and madelynne i have included their bowls in meals. last week, when i was feeding my dogs their warm evening meal, i was puzzled as to why there appeared to be less to go around. and then i realized i had prepared a bowl of food for madelynne. part of you is just in denial, another grief phase that i consider an insult. but, we need to go through this transition, from having them here, to when they are not. slowly but surely, when you are ready, you will start to let go.

with losing madelynne i have experienced very traumatic nightmares. i did not want to go to sleep at night. before laying down each night, i would say out loud for certain things to not haunt or visit me. that worked for the things i said out loud and then i would dream about other disturbing things. this eventually stopped. my subconscious had much to work out and i just had to let things run their course. so, my point is to love yourself and be patient with yourself. you have such suffered a tremendous loss and the pain is, in part, a celebration of tristan. a big crashing wave for a deep love scar.

Hi, Alicia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Danny are doing. Please let me try to add my reassurrances to our forum friend Monique's in that everything you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal.

When our companions come into our lives, they literally become the center of our universe because they are totally dependent upon us for their every need. When they precede us to the angels, we find ourselves having to make the excruciatingly painful task of re-inventing our lives and routines that no longer require their earthly care. Clinical professionals encourage us to continue doing routines as we used to do them if / as long as they bring comfort to us during our grief adjustment journey. As our deep grief eases - - hopefully - - we will find a peace in our hearts that will enable us to eventually readjust our routines. Some people fear that as their deep grief eases and they adjust to the physical absence of their beloved companion that they are forgetting their companion. Please let me try to reassure you that this will NEVER happen - - for your beloved Tristan is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Alicia - - his sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I remember so well about a year after my beloved canine companion Oslo joined the angels. It was November 2010 and I needed to go to the treasurer's office to pay my taxes. While my beloved Oslo was physically with me, I also needed to get his license tag at that same time, which required me to take proof of his current Rabies vaccination as well as proof of his neuter surgery. I knew I did not need to take this information with me this time, so I left the house and drove to the treasurer's office and paid my taxes. As I was leaving, I saw the reminder notice on the bulletin board for dog license renewals and for a brief moment I thought "oh no, I forgot Oslo's information - - I'll have to come back" - - and then I remembered that I didn't need to do this. This was close to a year after my beloved Oslo joined the angels. It was another "first without" that I had to reconcile - - the first time I did not have to get a license tag for my beloved Oslo.

During this grief journey - - particularly during the deep grief - - it seems like every moment of every hour of every day is a "first without" - - a constant agonizing reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us - - and it is overwhelming. One minute we "know" they are no longer physically with us - - and the next minute we are thinking "I need to do this / that". It can literally make us feel like we are going insane. I promise you, Alicia, that it will not always be like this - - but until this time comes for you please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you and Danny kindly, Alicia, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and Danny are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Monique and Moon_beam,

I've been re-reading your replies over and over, hoping to muster up strength and finally report to you guys "I'm doing better", but I am not.

It's been a very bad week, I really thought it would start getting better but it doesn't. Everyone says he's always with me, but I just can't feel him... just the emptiness he's left us with. His siblings are behaving differently, a little more clingy; or maybe they don't like me crying so much. They're much more loving and their love does make me feel better, but I still miss him by my side. There are two moments of the day in which the realization that he's gone takes hold of me and doesn't let go for a long while: Right before going to sleep, as my head hits the pillow and I get in position -look to my right and remember he's no longer there for me to put my arm over- and then a minute or two after I wake up and open my eyes -I look for him, and he's not back-... Monique you were talking about nightmares, I don't know which kind you have but I keep having these dreams -I usually don't remember my dreams, but since he's gone I do- in which I am living a different life and something bad always ends up happening to me. Two nights ago I dreamt that I was shot in the heart, the impact woke me up and I grabbed my chest; I could still feel the pain, I could have sworn I was still bleeding. I know this pain is a testament of how much I loved him, which to tell you the truth I hadn't quantified. I didn't know I loved him this deeply, I didn't know I would miss him this much. I found this quote: “The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.” ― C.S. Lewis. And I get it, big scar for a big love as Monique says, but does it always hurt as much? I don't exactly want to hurt less I just want to know I'll see him again. There's a piece of my heart which contained the love destined for him, it's now unused, dying for lack of contact with it's owner. Danny says the waves are getting further apart, although they haven't weakened. For an hour or maybe two I can portray a pretty convincing normal human being, but then a huge wave knocks me out of place.

I've tried redoing routines, but not all of them are feasible without looking completely deranged. Who am I gonna feed with a warm bottle of milk at 12pm? It looked pretty weird to be feeding a cat with a bottle, feeding no one would probably earn me a visit to the doctor. The pen is out of the office, the cameras are down, there's no one there to observe, to take care of. I've been trying to redirect my energies in spending more time with Tristan's siblings -Eva and Apolo-, I've always loved how different they always were not only physically but their ways. Those differences make me miss him more now, I know no one will ever be able to replace him, I am not sure I would want it either.

Moon_beam your story of Oslo really resonated in me, I think we've worried so long and so much for them that we've made sure to have them in mind at all times, etched, carved, permanently. Every day I'm out playing "normal human" in the world, a fletting not heavy thought comes along a few hours apart it reminds me I've left my babies at home and I should check on them, check on Tris. But there are no more cameras pointing at him, no more pen for him to go around while I'm out... He's gone. The thought breaks me in half again, the scar that was healing reopens, the waves crash and I can barely breathe. How can I feel alone with so much love around?

Danny has been pushing me to eat, do my job, get out, retake our activities. I've been trying real hard, I feel guilty leaving to do something "fun". I am really feeling guilty for all those times I left him, I think. Danny has had a pretty good record these last days to make me forget the pain for a few hours at a time, and that makes him happy, but then I get really quiet and he knows the thought of seeing him when I get home has entered my mind immediately followed by the realization that he won't be there waiting for me anymore. That's when Danny gets sad.

Today he wants us to go to that market, to retake the Sunday routine, I had to come here and re-read your words Monique and Moon_beam to gather up strength... Wish me luck.

dear alicia,

i am so very glad to hear from you despite the dire circumstances. i am glad to read that you come here to read what moon_beam and i have written. i carry you very close and hope that you feel that across the miles. my heart just aches for you and i wish i could hand tristan to you in the very form he was in while here on earth with you.

if i may speak frankly, i think what would help you is to let those around you, including danny, know that you need to grieve on your own terms. you are overcome with the guilt of obligation, trying to put on the good face and fake back into your routine and, and, and, and,... and since your heart, mind, body, and soul are Just.Not.Available, you then also feel you are failing those around you. this is not helping you heal.

it has only been a very short time. in my humble opinion, you need hugs, lots of them, be able to talk about what you miss about tristan, and if that is the same story over and over again, then that is ok! danny is trying to help you in the only way he knows how. it helps him to get back into routines, do this, and that, basically move on. you are not ready to do that and he really needs to respect this. let him let you talk, cry, and get those very important hugs. you cannot force healing or speed it along according to someone else's agenda or wishes, regardless of good and loving intentions.

i have lost peeps whose care was intense beyond words. when one like that would pass, there would be an incredibly painful void. nothing and no one could fill that void. it didn't soothe my pain to know that i still had a house full of peeps, including special needs, who needed me to be there for them mentally and physically. your other cats are feeling your pain and trying to ease your burdens. my dolly, aka l'il peep, the little chihuahua-doxie-x, pictured in the little pink sweater on my post, would run to me whenever i was sad or crying. she felt my loss of madelynne with great intensity. i would hold her close and focus on her little kisses. she is all of 6 1/2 pounds. her love is the force of tons and tons! of all the animals i have, she is the only one who responds to me this way. she is heaven sent, for sure.

one's subconscious is a very sobering indicator of what all is going on in our conscious world. i have a very complicated and painful background, and when madelynne passed, all the hurt from my past "woke" up again, and i dreamt of past dysfunctional relationships, including marriages and family, not the least of which was my daughter. i thought i was done processing all of this. apparently there is much residue still hanging around. the nightmares have stopped, thank goodness. now i'm just back to dreams that leave me breathless and exhausted upon waking. sometimes i remember, mostly i don't. all part of my life path to get things in order. you interpret your dreams very accurately. your loss is very deep, your love for your tristan even more intense and exacerbated in his physical absence. i know what you are talking about, wondering where he is, as you don't feel him near you. as empty as this may sound now, love never dies. when you are ready, a new door will open and love will walk back in. the key here is, when you are ready. you are not there yet. allow yourself time to get there. you are dealing with an avalanche of aftermath "stuff." just tuck the part of tristan being near away into a little pocket of your soul. when you are ready... be patient. and maybe as important right now, those around you have to be patient, too.

i am sending you hug after hug after hug, and am empathizing with all of your wishes to turn back the hands of time and have your days filled with your loving care of him, the 100s of big and little things you did to love him and care for him.

Hi, Alicia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Our forum friend Monique has shared with you many things that are in my heart as well, so please read her response to you frequently.

I would like to take a moment to affirm many of her comforting words to you. She is so right in sharing with you that you need to grieve for your beloved Tristan in your own way and in your own time. Grieving cannot be rushed to suit someone else's agenda. I know so well how challenging it is to put on the "public face" so that others around you will not be offended or upset by your deep sorrow. When I was working I remember so well for being thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work. And when the work day was over getting into my car to drive home - - and the floodgates of gut-wrenching sobbing would burst open after being suppressed all day. It is imperative for your physical and emotional health that you allow yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Tristan - - even if you must find a private place away from Danny, and others, to do so.

It is also important for your health that you do eat something during the day - - even if it's just cups of broth. Grieving is very stressful and it takes a toll on the immune system making you more susceptible to illness. One of the many symptoms of stress is a lack of appetite which is your body's defense system literally going into survival mode. Forcing yourself to eat regular meals until you are ready can overload a digestive system that is processing stress - - but it is still important that you get nourishment. Light meals more frequently during the day may help - - even if they are cups of broth. The broth is nourishing, easy for your digestive system to process, and replenishes the body with needed fluids. When the stress levels are lower, you will feel your appetite return to normal and can then resume normal meals.

Your feeling of experiencing a stabbing pain in your chest is also very normal - - it is not a "figment of your imagination." Clinical studies prove that one of the physical symptoms of grieving includes a stabbing pain in the heart - - feeling so painful that it literally takes your breath away. It is very real, Alicia, particularly during the deep grief. Eventually as the deep grief eases so this stabbing pain will diminish as well. This is another reason why you must allow yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Tristan - - even if you must do so privately away from Danny and others.

I am sooooo smiling at your wonderful picture of your beloved Tristan wrapped in a blanket with his bottle, and am smiling at your imagery of giving him his bottle. This is a precious treasured memory both you and your beloved Tristan share. I know so well the deep emptiness in your heart when you share with us: "There's a piece of my heart which contained the love destined for him, it's now unused, dying for lack of contact with it's owner." Some of us here, including me, have found it helpful to hold something that belongs only to our beloved companion - - a blanket, toy, collar - - whatever - - when the pain of not being able to hold them in our arms is more than what our heart can bear. No, it isn't the same as holding our beloved companion's sweet precious physical body - - but it does help to ease the physical pain in our arms and hearts as we travel our grief adjustment journey.

Monique is also very right when she shares with you that none of your other precious companions can ever fill the void of the physical absence of your beloved Tristan. They wouldn't want to even if they wanted to try. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy", and when their specific energy is no longer present, the family unit must adjust to the physical absence. This takes time, Alicia, one day at a time one moment at a time. Your precious Eva and Apolo only want to love you and be loved for who they are, and in their efforts to comfort you they will also be comforted by you - - and eventually your family unit will adjust to the new "energy" dimension.

I also wish to reassure you that you will be reunited with your beloved Tristan when it is your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy. Until then, his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Alicia, I know so well from first hand experience how incredibly painful this grief adjustment journey is. This is why it is important for you to know you are among friends here who truly understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Alicia, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and Danny are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Monique,

I do feel it, no matter how far, your support, solidarity and care gets across frontiers and reaches me; your warmth reaches me. My soul is thankful for your words and (cyber)hugs, my mind understands and finds comfort and peace in them, knowing that you guys went through the same thing with pretty much the same feelings -so many times- makes me realize I am not going crazy, that this whole state of mind I'm in is to be expected and I will eventually fin a "new normal" to live with. You're right, I'll probably need to say and hear these things over and over 'til they really sink in; but I'm starting to get there.

In the haze of my pain I've stayed up concocting plans, schemes, wild ideas to get him back, but once logic sets in I know that's imposible; but -still- I thank you for wishing you could. I would give yours back too if I could.

This week the goal is to pressure myself less to get back to "normal life", Danny is giving me his unwavering support in doing this too. He says reading all the stories in this forum makes him think this will be a long road to travel, one with lots of turns and steep hills that should be traveled at its own pace. We thank you for enlightening us, this is exactly why we joined for. A thousand thanks. It has been a very short time, although sometimes it seems like an eternity, I will take my time to heal. We have been talking more; yes, it gets a little bit repetitive but -as you said- that seems to be what I need right now. I've been searching for answers in places I never thought I would, I am not sure if they will pan out but I'm searching, at least I'm doing something, at last I'm not frozen in place.

Yes, intense care seems to develop the relationship to a whole new level, our life changed so slowly to accommodate him in the months since we saw the first changes that I didn't really noticed how much adaptation it had undergone. I don't recall it ever being a bother, taking care of him actually calmed me down and gave me a chance to just let go of mundane problems. I realize now I actually loved taking care of him, no matter how time consuming it was so rewarding to see him content. He always had a faint smell of sweet milk. I found a study that says women's brains respond to fur-babies -a.k.a. animal companions- the same way as with their own non-fur-babies. It confirms what we've been thinking for a while about how we treat them -before and after Tris got sick- and we think since he got sick the connection got stronger. Danny swears our care for him made him officially our first child, just a bit furrier than anticipated.

Our remaining babies are indeed trying to make me feel better, they've been curling up on me -us really- a lot more. They have been sleeping on top of us at times, I'm not sure if they want to make sure we're not gonna go away like Tris did or if they wanna reassure us that they won't. Not really sure who's taking care of whom. Our canine child is also showing signs of "knowing" something's going on, although because of his age -I think- he shows it by needing more attention. Classic youngest child behaviour. It's incredible how much love can come out of something so tiny, I know. Dolly and her whole 6 1/2 pounds of pure love, must be incredibly special to help you heal from such deep losses all by herself. You're very lucky to have Dolly, as we're to have ours.

Yes, it seems the departure of Madelynne did rehash some not-so-forgotten issues in your life and they're manifesting themselves through your nightmares and dreams. It must be awful to go through them again, I hope this time around they work themselves out better and you can finally move past them for good. I remember some of your story -from your post Silent Scream- it must be difficult to be judged for trying to help humans and even more bewilderingly for trying to aid animals. Our reasons to help humans can be called into question -people may try to find selfish motives in it- but what selfish reason could there be to love animals? To treat them as equals, to love and to care for them. I have been thinking of you and your role as protector of so many souls, it takes a special kind of being to be so nurturing. Even to strangers -like me-, I feel so much love coming from you I can only imagine how much your "little peeps" end up with. People like you should be loved back, it saddens me this is not always so. Please know, at least we are marveled by your immense heart.

I don't know when or if I'll stop looking for answers, or looking for him... But I'm trying to come to terms with him not being the same as he was. I just need to be able to feel him, I would love to know he's ok. I'll keep looking. In the meantime I've been writing him in a little journal, in my heart I hope this keeps us connected still. This way I still feel I can talk to him, this way I can let him know he's not forgotten. Not by a long shot.

dear alicia,

i love the love and comfort moon_beam provides. she ties it all together so beautifully and is so well versed in how the mental and physical work and respond to each. the pains in your heart, for ex., i did not know that that is a very real manifestation. i knew instinctively that the dream about being shot and the pain in your heart were directly connected to the depth of your loss. just didn't know that this is a real physical event.

i am grateful that you have such a loving and understanding partner and friend in danny. that is a gift, truly. he is trying very hard to travel this journey with you, learning as he goes. we are all learning. every loss is different. in the case of tristan, you spent an extraordinary amount of time caring for him and being there for him. even when you were not physically with him, you thought about him and checked on him, and rushed to get home. or, at the very least, once your direction was towards home, your levels of anticipation and anxiety steadily increased as you neared. how well i can relate! so, basically, you were busy on many levels 24-7. and now... now there is a huge, gaping hole with ragged and sharp edges. where is he now! how to fill this void!? again, i can relate so well, having had so, so many special needs and then peeps in the last period of their lives. all needed me on so many levels. leaving to go to work was excruciatingly distressing. part of what you are feeling with the intense pain of this void is the sheer offense that you can no longer provide the all encompassing love and care. this is feeding into the denial phase of your grief.

the silver lining from all this care: how fortunate tristan was, to have been able to spend so much time snuggled close to you, where he could feel your heart beating. the ultimate comfort for animals, just like when they were babies, and fell asleep to the rhythm of their mother's heart beats. this provided him so much love and comfort, esp. during the time he was transitioning to eternal care.

on the assumption of a normal life: i admire your efforts. if you backslide, don't despair. you are really getting better despite the pain. remember that healing and transitioning into a place where you can resume a "normal" lifestyle have no particular timeline or agenda.

i'm glad that you are finding comfort in the closeness of your other furred companions. i remember when my dominoe passed, i looked at all my other cats with a sort of dismissal, thinking they were nothing like dominoe, didn't purr or meow as preciously as she did, and how was i going to go on without her. it was actually then that these differences ultimately helped me heal. i still had jasper then- he was featured recently in my blog, traveling to heaven at the gracious age of 18 on 12 feb. i got to a point, i don't remember exactly when or how, to where dominoe was in her rightful place in my heart and soul, and all the other souls in my household regained footing, if you will. a balance set in and all was right again with my world at home.

i don't know how much you believe in or know about how spirits travel. it may be one way for you to determine where exactly tristan is. so how to look for him. let me tell you a story. when dominoe died, i did not know anything about spirit behavior. several years after she passed, i entered active rescue and took in a litter of feral kittens, one of whom was mackenzie. i always found something very familiar about her, even her looks. she started doing things that only dominoe would ever do, like meet me at the shower door and wait to get in to lick the water drops off the shower stall walls. mackenzie never did that, until in her later years, she just started showing up. i found out through someone who is telepathic and did readings, that dominoe had, in fact, walked into mackenzie's physical form and was keeping her and me company. i have noticed similar behavior with several other animals who are keeping company with a departed peep.

i know that for animals who have been sick for some time, or suffered intensely, that the spirit needs rest and so, the presence of the spirit may not be readily apparent. if you are interested, do some research on this, pay attention to how your animals are behaving that may be different than before, what they are responding to that may appear out of nowhere or to some ghost. if you feel a strong sense or see a shadow that isn't really there or think you may have seen or heard something, that may be a tristan's spirit trying to reach out to you. spirits can cohabitate with another peep in the household with whom they feel a well being, or actually "take over" the existing spirit in the physical form. it may be that tristan will come back- how or when depends. when the time is right. be open to all of these things and let your heart, soul and gut instincts guide you. just keep all of this in that little pocket of your soul to tap into when you are ready. it may help you to find a reputable empath or someone who is trustworthy in doing pendulum readings, just to name a few examples. you can actually do pendulum readings yourself. there is much information out there to read and research.

this may all be way out there for you. i travel down these "unbeaten" paths at times to give me reassurance and footing.

Hi, Alicia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As our forum friend Monique has so comfortingly shared with you, this grief journey is definitely a learning experience, and I'm glad to share your news that Danny is open to learning how to share this grief adjustment journey according to your needs. I know this takes a lot of pressure off you, and hopefully this will bring you and Danny closer together.

Just want to add my thoughts to Monique's on your feeling your beloved Tristan's sweet precious Living Spirit with you. It is indeed very common for our beloved companion's to find a way to manifest their Living Spirit in another companion's physical form. So it will be perfectly normal for your precious Eva and / or Apolo - - or even perhaps your canine companion - - to begin exhibiting behaviors that only your beloved Tristan did during his earthly journey. You may even experience the phenomenon of hearing a meow or feeling "something" rubbing against you - - only not from your precious companions. Again, this is your beloved Tristan's way of letting you know he is still with you even though you cannot see him in a physical form. When our hearts are entrenched in deep grief it is hard for us to "feel" our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit near us - - but as the deep grief eases our hearts are freer to experience these "visits." Just give yourself time, Alicia - - and rest assured that your beloved Tristan is forever with you.

Once again, Alicia, I hope today has treated you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and Danny are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. xo

Alicia, thanks for sharing your story and rest assured you have found the right place to feel loved while you are able to safely and openly grieve. Sending healing thoughts your way...
Sincerely, Oscarbeans mom

As it appears the path of my grief is made of steep hills, long falls and curves leading to the same nooks of pain; emotional balance has been elusive because of this. I was gone for a while, I'm sorry, I just couldn’t read anymore, every word used to send me back to my most raw point of grief no matter what progress I’d made, no matter the good intentions behind them. Couldn’t talk to anyone but Danny about him either, if I tried I was reduced to tears unable to function properly. It became exhausting to search for composure when reality kept hitting so I encapsulated my self in research *again* -I’m taking your advise on trying to communicate with him, Monique-. I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my silence.

no offense taken- glad you are finding some things that are working for you.

xo

Still looking into it, over here animal communicators are not easy to find... I've found a couple, but I still don't know how reliable they are. I may have to learn to do it myself, it will take time. I don't know exactly what I will gain, I just know I can't NOT try it. I need him still. I miss him so.

i use kristine, http://www.northwestreiki.com/services.htm, "met" her during my active rescue days.

and we're not in the same state...

Hi, alicia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, the deep grief journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. It can seem like the deep grief will never end. It is vitally important that we find positive ways to help us endure through the deep grief, and sometimes this involves limiting our contact with others - - however well intentioned the offer of comfort may be.

I hope today is treating you kindly, alicia, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Monique, I will check her out.

Hi Moon_beam,

Yes, it does seem never ending sometimes. I've had a few meetings at work, I've been able to concentrate and keep it together during them but once I'm alone reality crashes down on me. I've been lucky I can do most of my work from home, I don't know how else I would manage. I have to keep busy, my mind constantly wanders to him if I'm not. His siblings are reacting to his loss by trying to be closer to us, I'm not sure they know what has happened to him. They still won't use his spot on the bed. I have been giving them extra hugs, kisses and belly rubs. They seem to need them as much as I do.

Thank you so much for being here for me. All of you. I know I am among friends.

Hi Oscarbeans mom,

Thank you for reading and for writing back. Yes, this forum is very special, I've been able to find kindred sprits that understand the love I feel for my fur babies. People like you do make me feel safe and loved, thank you so much. I know you feel the same way I do, you lost Oscar 2 days before I lost Tris. We are both still "raw"... I don't know how else to put it. The hurt is however somewhat reassuring for me, it tells me his passing is not nothing; the day it happened -and every following day to be franc- the fact that life went on around me with no gray skies really bothered me. How can it go on -like every other day- when he's gone?! Any way, I'm rambling. I hope you have adjusted better. I hope this message finds you well or on the way to recovery and I send you too lots of love.

hi alicia,

i sent you a response. not sure it made it- please check when you have a chance. i will empty messages once i confirm receiving the archive and let you know.

xo

my mind traveled to this poem, as you try to make sense of all that happend and wonder where your sweet boy is...

I stood by your bed last night,

I came to have a peep.

I could see that you were crying,

You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly

as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me, I haven't left you,

I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast,

I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times,

your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today,

Your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels,

I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.

I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "it's me."

You looked so very tired,

and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know,

that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be

so near you every day.

To say to you with certainty,

"I never want away."

You sat there very quietly,

then smiled, I think you knew.

In the stillness of that evening,

I was very close to you.

The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning.

I say, "Good-Night, God Bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide.

I'll rush across to greet you, and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out, then come home to be with me.

~*~ Author Unknown ~*~

Hi, alicia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is not uncommon for our surviving precious compaions to honor the areas that were used by their now missing housemate by not using them - - at least for awhile. They also greive in their own way, and they are also more sensitive to the presence of ther housemate's Living Spirit - - which may be another reason why they do not use your beloved Tristan's places. In comforting them in their adjustment journey will also offer you some measure of comfort in return.

I hope today, and every day, is treating you kindly, alicia, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tristan's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam