I don’t even know where to begin – I haven’t been myself going from comatose, to crying, sobbing, back to feeling as though I’m just going through the motions of life. I know now that the “stages of grief” posted on websites are nowhere near linear. I go in and out of the stages, back and forth, back and forth. One moment I think I’m finally accepting my baby is gone, only moments later to break down and sob asking God why he took her from me. At other times, I’m in utter disbelief.
I had no idea the pain of losing my Diva dog, a Pomeranian/Border Collie mix, to a preventable tragic death would gouge my heart so deeply. I have lost several pets over the years to illness and old age. The most painful loss (or so I thought) was my 8 month old cat, Lily who went missing 6 years ago from our home (my sister was taking care of her) while I was out of town. She has never been found. That loss was sometimes hopeful when someone would call with a (false) sighting only to be punctuated with grief – such a roller coaster of emotions. But, now a pain that knows no boundaries has taken hold of me.
Over four years ago a long time family friend was passing through our town on her way to make it to her new home of Victoria, Texas. That very day she had picked up a small, cute as a button dog she had named Diva – a six month old Pomeranian Mix from the Amarillo Shelter. Everybody wanted to hold the puppy that day, a few days before Christmas. Family friends took several pictures with her. I remember having jealous feelings and thinking, “Stop taking pictures with MY dog”. I know that sounds crazy. I mean she wasn’t even mine. Besides, I was a cat person, had two of them, and lived alone. Besides, I have never owned a dog already nearing 40. Well, ok, we did have a dog when I was in the first grade, but I do not have a lot of memories of her. After my parents gave her up, we were strictly a cat family. It took years until my parents revealed that an anonymous neighbor was placing death threats in their mailbox about our barking dog.
Anyway, I told my friend that if she ever didn’t want her anymore or couldn’t take care of her that I’d take her. How rude right? I mean, she had just gotten the dog that day. I don’t know I just felt like she was mine even before she was mine. One year later I got a call asking if I’d take her. Apparently, there were a lot of speeding cars on their rural road and also the dog kept trying to herd the horses. My friend was concerned for her safety. I picked Diva up on Valentine’s Day in 2009 – one of the best days of my life.
Diva became part of the family fast. My father called that night and asked how his “granddaughter” was. Yes, he used those words. My cat-loving father asked how she was – I was thrilled. Diva fell into my routines as she went trail running with me, made trips to Starbucks, took long walks with me, had doggie play dates with friends where we hiked and swam. She even went primitive camping with me for the first time last year (it was a first for both of us). She went to Grandma and Grandpa’s every Thursday to Friday and stayed the night…I was her mother, she was my daughter. We were sisters and yet we were friends. I have no regrets for the four years she lived with me. I told her every day I loved her. I kissed her every morning, every afternoon, every night.
If it hadn’t been for her I wouldn’t have met a single neighbor. I had lived there on my block for a year and knew no one until she came into my life. I’d walk her and she would run up neighbors and say hello by giving them “kisses”. Neighbors would stop watering the their lawn, take a respite in their conversations with one another, stop their smoke break , just stop whatever they were doing just to say hello back to her. She was always there for me. Her heart was big never once becoming jealous even when I married my boyfriend who then moved in, then a new dog, a new cat, and finally her grandpa got a dog (after 60 years!). She was a lover and everyone loved her: neighbors, friends, strangers, and people at the dog park…people always said she was so perfect. She was just that. Absolutely perfect.
My only regret falls on that horrible day – April 23rd, 2013 – three days after my birthday. A routine walk turned tragic. I am to blame for what came next. I had come home. The dogs were unusually hyper. Maggie, my dad’s Chug was staying with us for a few nights with my parents being out of town. My other dog, Tippy (also a Chug) was just as antsy. We had gotten him to be Diva’s companion a year ago. Turns out that Tippy wasn’t Diva’s companion, but she was his.
He LOVED her and wanted always to be close to her. I fed the dogs and was ready to take them on their walk. We got outside and the dogs quickly started off without me. Maggie was leashed but the other two were not. They were used to walking beside me toward the cul-de-sac that led to a trail that then led to an unused overgrown park with lots of room for us to roam. It was a walk that Diva had taken twice a day for four years. I trusted her wholly, not so much her brother, however. I had treats just in case he didn’t obey my commands. She on the other hand, always obeyed me and walked by my side.
You already know where this story is going I’m sure. Yes, I do take responsibility for my naiveté. I wish I had known then what I know now – that dogs, no matter how trained and cooperative, can be impulsive. It was strange, though. She eyed an open fence gate across the street and made a stance like she was going to bolt. That was so out of character for her. I said, “Leave it”. She left it, looked at me and continued walking by my side. A few moments later I heard this UPS truck barreling toward us – he was coming so fast the whole street shook. She started barking as did her brother. I said, “Come”. She didn’t. She took off running up ahead on the sidewalk. Maggie stopped in her tracks. I turned around to see why Maggie had stopped and then turned around to see the back wheels of truck going over something. My heart sank.
I knew it was one of the dogs. Then I turned and saw Tippy still on the sidewalk. The ugly truth revealed itself. Diva had been run over. Maggie still wouldn’t budge so I unhooked her to run to Diva’s side. Tippy ran over, too. He sniffed her then ran off down the street toward home. Diva was gone. Just seconds – yes, seconds ago she was with me. Her spirit had left. I can’t describe it. I mean her very spirit was gone. I was emotionally crushed looking down at my daughter – knees buckling, wailing, “God forgive me. Please God forgive me!”
The UPS driver did a quick U-turn in the cul-de-sac, jumped out and said he was sorry saying that he never saw her. Scary.
I don’t know why I need to know the details that I missed. How did she get from the right hand side- walk to the left hand side of the street? How does a dog lose her life at the end of a cul-de-sac? Yes, at the very end. The images of what I saw (I’ll spare you the details) haunt me. They come into my brain at random times and I must suppress the urge to cry. Nightmares have plagued me nightly.
The next day I went searching for something of hers. I plucked hairs from her bed and placed them in a plastic bag. I even went searching in the backyard for her poop, just to be close to her again. I never found any. I have her collar, although washed, bear stains of her blood. I am comforted and yet repulsed by the sight of it. It is now in a plastic bag in a drawer.
I had one good dream where I was holding her on my lap. She was facing away from me donning the cute spring haircut she had gotten weeks before. She then morphed into my cat, Boo, a cat I had from the age of nine until I was 27. Then another metamorphism – she turned into Bracky, a cat my mother brought home when I was two. She lived with us for 20 years. Those two cats are the only two who have ever come through in dreams. None of the others have – not even Lily.
So where do I go from here? I feel cheated out of time. Diva was one month from her 6th birthday. Yes, I’m responsible for her death and yet this tragedy seems so surreal -it was a walk that we’d taken twice a day for over four years. Incredibly I got a call left on my voice mail from my friend, Diva’s original owner. I say incredible since she has excommunicated herself from our family over politics. I say incredible since he said she was sorry over Diva’s death and that I was a wonderful mommy to Diva. It was her that gave her to me for safe- keeping, safe- keeping from speeding cars. And now, she has another dog that she wants to give me…I have yet to return her call.
Tippy has been depressed sitting in the window, looking for Diva. It has been two weeks and he refuses to play. My husband had to hand feed him the other day so he would eat. He refuses his walks and his treats. I’ve taken him to my parents to play with Maggie, but my parents said he just sits there, too, and stares out the window. He does, however, go for walks at their house. He shakes and stops when a UPS truck rolls by. My heart is breaking for myself and for him. Where do we go from here?
Full Version: Tragic Accident- Where Do I Go From Here?
Hi, raccoonkisses, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Diva. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so tragically intensifies the grief.
Raccoonkisses, please allow me to try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement during your very painful grief adjustment journey.
Scientific studies prove that our minds record events that happen in our lives and are "filed" away in our memories to be replayed when they are triggered by a conversation, a song, a letter, etc.. When we experience a traumatic and tragic event, such as witnessing what happended to your beloved Diva, our minds get "stuck" in playback mode - - it is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. The more traumatic the event is, the more frequent the event replays in our mind - - which is why you are experiencing the flashbacks when you share with us: "The images of what I saw (I’ll spare you the details) haunt me. They come into my brain at random times and I must suppress the urge to cry. Nightmares have plagued me nightly."
Please do NOT suppress your urges to cry - - for scientific studies prove that our tears are literally healing tears - - as they literally wash the toxins out of our body that build up with the stress of grieving. As for the flashbacks, it is going to take time for these to diminish. Several years ago I endured a very traumatic event of a different nature that literally changed my life physically and emotionally. A professional counselor who helped me tremendously to re-build my life helped me with a technique to re-direct my thoughts when I experienced a flashback. It took a LOT of work to grasp the technique, but it does work, so I will share it with you. When you begin to have a flashback to the traumatic events surrounding your beloved Diva, make a concentrated effort to re-direct your thoughts to something more positive -- a happy memory of your beloved Diva, a positive conversation you had with a friend or your husband or mom and dad - - SOMETHING positive for your mind to focus on. No - - this will NEVER erase the memory of what happened to your beloved Diva, but it WILL help - - eventually - - to ease the deep seering pain in your memory. Does this mean you will never cry again for your beloved Diva? The answer to that is - - No. But it will help you keep your mind and body safe from the severe trauma of the memory.
You are very right when you share with us: "I know now that the “stages of grief” posted on websites are nowhere near linear. I go in and out of the stages, back and forth, back and forth." This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be resolved in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year, etc., to endure.
Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. All the symptoms you are feeling are very normal: "I haven’t been myself going from comatose, to crying, sobbing, back to feeling as though I’m just going through the motions of life." But I promise you, raccoonkisses, it will not always be this way. Someday when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Diva and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and you will once again feel the warmth of your beloved Diva's eternal love filling your heart.
You ask a universal question: "So where do I go from here?" One of the many difficult things we are faced with during our grief adjustment journey is finding a way to re-establish a "new normal" to our daily lives that no longer includes the physical presence of our beloved companion who has joined the angels. Even when we have other precious companions still physically witih us there a deep feeling of loss - - which is very normal. I can so relate to what your precious Tippy is going through, as my precious Noah went through a very deep mourning when my number one kitty son, Noah's big adopted kitty brother, Eli, joined the angels at the tender age of 6 years and 9 months due to end stage Lymphoma. My precious Noah grieved deeply for him for over 2 years - - and in the beginning was very unconsolable. He, too, would look out the windows looking for Eli and would wander through the house crying for his housemate. My heart was broken too, but it completely shattered seeing my precious Noah so devastatingly hearbroken. I kept telling him how much I love him and how proud of him I am for being the very best little brother to Eli, and slowly, eventually, his deep sorrow began to ease. I am so very thankful that he had his beautiful sibling baby sister Abbygayle to help comfort him, too.
Raccoonkisses, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. You have endured a very tragic and traumatic event in the physical loss of your beloved Diva. The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Diva share IS eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.
Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Diva with us, raccoonkisses. She is a lovely girl, and you are so very blessed to be her Forever Mom. Please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your precious Tippy are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Raccoonkisses, please allow me to try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement during your very painful grief adjustment journey.
Scientific studies prove that our minds record events that happen in our lives and are "filed" away in our memories to be replayed when they are triggered by a conversation, a song, a letter, etc.. When we experience a traumatic and tragic event, such as witnessing what happended to your beloved Diva, our minds get "stuck" in playback mode - - it is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. The more traumatic the event is, the more frequent the event replays in our mind - - which is why you are experiencing the flashbacks when you share with us: "The images of what I saw (I’ll spare you the details) haunt me. They come into my brain at random times and I must suppress the urge to cry. Nightmares have plagued me nightly."
Please do NOT suppress your urges to cry - - for scientific studies prove that our tears are literally healing tears - - as they literally wash the toxins out of our body that build up with the stress of grieving. As for the flashbacks, it is going to take time for these to diminish. Several years ago I endured a very traumatic event of a different nature that literally changed my life physically and emotionally. A professional counselor who helped me tremendously to re-build my life helped me with a technique to re-direct my thoughts when I experienced a flashback. It took a LOT of work to grasp the technique, but it does work, so I will share it with you. When you begin to have a flashback to the traumatic events surrounding your beloved Diva, make a concentrated effort to re-direct your thoughts to something more positive -- a happy memory of your beloved Diva, a positive conversation you had with a friend or your husband or mom and dad - - SOMETHING positive for your mind to focus on. No - - this will NEVER erase the memory of what happened to your beloved Diva, but it WILL help - - eventually - - to ease the deep seering pain in your memory. Does this mean you will never cry again for your beloved Diva? The answer to that is - - No. But it will help you keep your mind and body safe from the severe trauma of the memory.
You are very right when you share with us: "I know now that the “stages of grief” posted on websites are nowhere near linear. I go in and out of the stages, back and forth, back and forth." This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be resolved in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year, etc., to endure.
Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. All the symptoms you are feeling are very normal: "I haven’t been myself going from comatose, to crying, sobbing, back to feeling as though I’m just going through the motions of life." But I promise you, raccoonkisses, it will not always be this way. Someday when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Diva and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and you will once again feel the warmth of your beloved Diva's eternal love filling your heart.
You ask a universal question: "So where do I go from here?" One of the many difficult things we are faced with during our grief adjustment journey is finding a way to re-establish a "new normal" to our daily lives that no longer includes the physical presence of our beloved companion who has joined the angels. Even when we have other precious companions still physically witih us there a deep feeling of loss - - which is very normal. I can so relate to what your precious Tippy is going through, as my precious Noah went through a very deep mourning when my number one kitty son, Noah's big adopted kitty brother, Eli, joined the angels at the tender age of 6 years and 9 months due to end stage Lymphoma. My precious Noah grieved deeply for him for over 2 years - - and in the beginning was very unconsolable. He, too, would look out the windows looking for Eli and would wander through the house crying for his housemate. My heart was broken too, but it completely shattered seeing my precious Noah so devastatingly hearbroken. I kept telling him how much I love him and how proud of him I am for being the very best little brother to Eli, and slowly, eventually, his deep sorrow began to ease. I am so very thankful that he had his beautiful sibling baby sister Abbygayle to help comfort him, too.
Raccoonkisses, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. You have endured a very tragic and traumatic event in the physical loss of your beloved Diva. The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Diva share IS eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.
Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Diva with us, raccoonkisses. She is a lovely girl, and you are so very blessed to be her Forever Mom. Please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your precious Tippy are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Happy Mother's Day, Moon Beam! I hope you and your fur children are doing well.
Thank you, Moonbeam, for not only taking the time to read my loooooong story (I hadn't realized I'd written so much) , but to reply to things I said directly. You have a big heart to take the time to do that. Many people wrote on my Facebook "sorry for your loss". But, the ones that I looked at over and over that touched my heart were the ones that actually took the time to say something profound or something to assuage my grief. I am thankful for your reply - it brought tears to my eyes. I've read it now four times and cried each time.
I know I have to let it all out by crying, but there are times when I'm at work (I'm an elementary school teacher) and just cannot wail like I want to. At lunch, I go to the parking lot or cry at my desk. It has been very lonely. Not only does my heart hurt from missing Diva so terribly: her paws on my bed in the morning, her rolling over onto her back so I can scratch her belly after our morning kiss, our walks together at the park, but I feel as though I'm a burden on those around me. They're done with hearing my story. Everyday I mention Diva saying things like, "Oh what a beautiful day today. I bet Diva would have loved sitting out here on the deck with us today. She'd be right over there." My husband doesn't acknowledge what I say anymore. He used to hug me and say I'm here for you. I feel as though people think I'm taking way to long to process this grief and therefore I came here.
I think what's cutting me is my guilt over the whole preventable tragic ending to Diva's life. That day, right before our walk, I said to myself, "Maybe I should wait for my husband. The kids seem agitated". Then I thought, "Nah, I mean he did this walk this morning with all three of them in the dark!" I pushed the thought away and went anyway. And then when we just started walking I got this feeling of wanting to turn around, but pushed that away, too. And when I said "come" to her and she didn't, I kick myself for not being more persistent in making her come. I did have treats with me...I go over this in my mind over and over.
I did want to thank you for helping me with the coping with the images of her death that keep creeping up in my mind often. I've tweaked your method a bit by first shouting "stop!" in my head. Then I go to images with Diva that make me happy. That makes me cry so I'm not that good at it, but I will say the "tape" is not allowed to play all the way through now. It starts now in the middle for some reason and I don't know why. I'll work on this.
Wow, two years it took Noah to become himself?! I wish my three cats got along. I used to have a mate for my Chloe. I had brought in a feral kitten and they became fast friends. However, when Lily went missing six years ago, Chloe refused to go outside for over two weeks. I had a private investigator with dogs come out to get any leads. The investigator first excused herself and said, " I don't want to alarm you or you think less of me, and I don't usually tell people this, but I'm also a pet psychic. This cat here (she pointed to Chloe) is very smart. She witnessed the incident and is deeply upset." How weird! I mean, I never told her that Chloe had refused to go out. Her assessment was that my Lily had been killed by a coyote.
Life seems so cruel. I'm just thinking now ( I can't ever turn this off) how here I have been preparing for the departure of my 20 year old cat who pees on puppy pads, can't jump up, and is so finicky with eating that I have to supplement his food with a high calorie booster gel. I also sub q him a few times a month due to his kidneys failing. And now my beautiful Diva dies so unexpectedly. I was nowhere prepared for her death. I just feel so down and not wanting to do anything. I hate being alone and drive to my parents just to be around people before my husband comes home late. Tippy is over there and he seems happier with them than with me. Perhaps they should keep him. It pains me to do this but I want what is best for him.
My dad and I took Tippy and Maggie to the Petco K9 race yesterday. We only did the 1.2 miles instead of the 5K. It was nice to actually laugh for the first time in a couple of weeks. Tippy, right after he crossed the finish line, decided to sit down. He was done. It was so nice to seem him happy.
Thanks again, Moonbeam, for reaching out to me. Your kindness is boundless.
Thank you, Moonbeam, for not only taking the time to read my loooooong story (I hadn't realized I'd written so much) , but to reply to things I said directly. You have a big heart to take the time to do that. Many people wrote on my Facebook "sorry for your loss". But, the ones that I looked at over and over that touched my heart were the ones that actually took the time to say something profound or something to assuage my grief. I am thankful for your reply - it brought tears to my eyes. I've read it now four times and cried each time.
I know I have to let it all out by crying, but there are times when I'm at work (I'm an elementary school teacher) and just cannot wail like I want to. At lunch, I go to the parking lot or cry at my desk. It has been very lonely. Not only does my heart hurt from missing Diva so terribly: her paws on my bed in the morning, her rolling over onto her back so I can scratch her belly after our morning kiss, our walks together at the park, but I feel as though I'm a burden on those around me. They're done with hearing my story. Everyday I mention Diva saying things like, "Oh what a beautiful day today. I bet Diva would have loved sitting out here on the deck with us today. She'd be right over there." My husband doesn't acknowledge what I say anymore. He used to hug me and say I'm here for you. I feel as though people think I'm taking way to long to process this grief and therefore I came here.
I think what's cutting me is my guilt over the whole preventable tragic ending to Diva's life. That day, right before our walk, I said to myself, "Maybe I should wait for my husband. The kids seem agitated". Then I thought, "Nah, I mean he did this walk this morning with all three of them in the dark!" I pushed the thought away and went anyway. And then when we just started walking I got this feeling of wanting to turn around, but pushed that away, too. And when I said "come" to her and she didn't, I kick myself for not being more persistent in making her come. I did have treats with me...I go over this in my mind over and over.
I did want to thank you for helping me with the coping with the images of her death that keep creeping up in my mind often. I've tweaked your method a bit by first shouting "stop!" in my head. Then I go to images with Diva that make me happy. That makes me cry so I'm not that good at it, but I will say the "tape" is not allowed to play all the way through now. It starts now in the middle for some reason and I don't know why. I'll work on this.
Wow, two years it took Noah to become himself?! I wish my three cats got along. I used to have a mate for my Chloe. I had brought in a feral kitten and they became fast friends. However, when Lily went missing six years ago, Chloe refused to go outside for over two weeks. I had a private investigator with dogs come out to get any leads. The investigator first excused herself and said, " I don't want to alarm you or you think less of me, and I don't usually tell people this, but I'm also a pet psychic. This cat here (she pointed to Chloe) is very smart. She witnessed the incident and is deeply upset." How weird! I mean, I never told her that Chloe had refused to go out. Her assessment was that my Lily had been killed by a coyote.
Life seems so cruel. I'm just thinking now ( I can't ever turn this off) how here I have been preparing for the departure of my 20 year old cat who pees on puppy pads, can't jump up, and is so finicky with eating that I have to supplement his food with a high calorie booster gel. I also sub q him a few times a month due to his kidneys failing. And now my beautiful Diva dies so unexpectedly. I was nowhere prepared for her death. I just feel so down and not wanting to do anything. I hate being alone and drive to my parents just to be around people before my husband comes home late. Tippy is over there and he seems happier with them than with me. Perhaps they should keep him. It pains me to do this but I want what is best for him.
My dad and I took Tippy and Maggie to the Petco K9 race yesterday. We only did the 1.2 miles instead of the 5K. It was nice to actually laugh for the first time in a couple of weeks. Tippy, right after he crossed the finish line, decided to sit down. He was done. It was so nice to seem him happy.
Thanks again, Moonbeam, for reaching out to me. Your kindness is boundless.
Hi, raccoonkisses, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and I hope this Mother's Day is treating you, your precious Tippy, and all your family kindly.
I can so relate to what you share with us: "I know I have to let it all out by crying, but there are times when I'm at work (I'm an elementary school teacher) and just cannot wail like I want to. At lunch, I go to the parking lot or cry at my desk." - - I remember so well the many weeks of deep gut-wrenching sobbing on the drives into work and home, and was thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to so that I could regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. I remember going to bed at night crying and waking up crying. Just when I thought my tears were finally subsiding, it didn't take much for them to fill my eyes and the ache to return to my heart.
Eventually, though, as the natural process of healing from the deep grief occurs, the better days outnumber the very deep sad ones, and this is what our beloved companions want for us - - they want us to focus on the many treasured memories we have of them as they shared their earthly journey with us, and to feel the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits forever with us in our hearts and memories.
I can also genuinely understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "It has been very lonely. My husband doesn't acknowledge what I say anymore. He used to hug me and say I'm here for you. I feel as though people think I'm taking way to long to process this grief and therefore I came here." - - My family, too, does not understand, and does not accept, my feelings and beliefs about the precious gifts our companion animals are. It has only been since my coming here to this wonderful forum that I have found that I am not alone - - that I am among friends here who truly do understand what I feel.
Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the loss of a beloved companion is the same as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. Unfortunately, our society in general, and sadly sometimes the people who are closest to us both emotionally and geographcially does not. Please know that you ARE among friends here who truly DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, raccoonkisses. There are no limitations here, no "expiration dates" for you to share with us what is in your heart and on your mind.
I can also very much relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "I think what's cutting me is my guilt over the whole preventable tragic ending to Diva's life." Guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions we all experience during the deep grief, and it is one of the emotions that is the hardest to reconcile. Another component to experiencing a traumatic event - - particularly one in which someone we know is physically separated from us - - is called "Survivor's Guilt" - - which was another component to the PTSD which the professional counselor worked very intensely with me those many years ago. To this day, 27 years later, I wish with all my heart I could turn the hands of time back to that moment which resulted in the physical loss of my mom - - although the circumstances were legally not my fault but that of the other driver I was still her caregiver and therefore responsible for keeping her safe. I could not keep her safe from a reckless driver who crossed over into our lane of traffic and hit our car headon. The auotomobile collision was preventable had the other driver maintained control of his car - - but the circumstances of what happened when he lost control of his vehicle were out of my control. And so it is with your beloved Diva.
And I can also relate to your feelings as you share with us: "Life seems so cruel. I'm just thinking now ( I can't ever turn this off) how here I have been preparing for the departure of my 20 year old cat who pees on puppy pads, can't jump up, and is so finicky with eating that I have to supplement his food with a high calorie booster gel. I also sub q him a few times a month due to his kidneys failing. And now my beautiful Diva dies so unexpectedly. I was nowhere prepared for her death." - - I feel the same way about my mom - - she had come through so much with her diagnosis of cancer and the treatments, and the treatment-induced stroke that left her so toally debilitated for over a year - - she was just getting her life back. I remember laying in my hospital bed - - and for many months afterward thinking that I was in a very bad dream that would end when I finally woke up. I was living a very bad nightmare that seemed to have no end.
Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - so you had no idea that the day's events would result in the tragic loss of your beloved Diva - - as I had no foreknowledge when I was driving my mom to the dentist that we would become victims of a head-on collision - - and that she would succumb to her injuries 6 weeks later. What I can tell you is that, even though you will always have the memory of what happened that day that took your beloved Diva's sweet precious physical presence from you, as your deep grief eases you will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Diva share.
But it takes time to get to this point, raccoonkisses, and I promise you it WILL happen - - in your own way and in your own time. And so it is with your precious Tippy as well. He needs your loving comfort, raccoonkisses, for in comforting him you will also be comforted - - you both have experienced a very tragic and traumatic loss, and you need each other.
I am so very glad you and Tippy had a very enjoyable time at the K9 races today. I hope this will be the beginning of many more enjoyable days for you, your precious Tippy, each of your precious companions, and your family. Please know you and your precious Tippy are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
I can so relate to what you share with us: "I know I have to let it all out by crying, but there are times when I'm at work (I'm an elementary school teacher) and just cannot wail like I want to. At lunch, I go to the parking lot or cry at my desk." - - I remember so well the many weeks of deep gut-wrenching sobbing on the drives into work and home, and was thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to so that I could regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. I remember going to bed at night crying and waking up crying. Just when I thought my tears were finally subsiding, it didn't take much for them to fill my eyes and the ache to return to my heart.
Eventually, though, as the natural process of healing from the deep grief occurs, the better days outnumber the very deep sad ones, and this is what our beloved companions want for us - - they want us to focus on the many treasured memories we have of them as they shared their earthly journey with us, and to feel the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits forever with us in our hearts and memories.
I can also genuinely understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "It has been very lonely. My husband doesn't acknowledge what I say anymore. He used to hug me and say I'm here for you. I feel as though people think I'm taking way to long to process this grief and therefore I came here." - - My family, too, does not understand, and does not accept, my feelings and beliefs about the precious gifts our companion animals are. It has only been since my coming here to this wonderful forum that I have found that I am not alone - - that I am among friends here who truly do understand what I feel.
Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the loss of a beloved companion is the same as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. Unfortunately, our society in general, and sadly sometimes the people who are closest to us both emotionally and geographcially does not. Please know that you ARE among friends here who truly DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, raccoonkisses. There are no limitations here, no "expiration dates" for you to share with us what is in your heart and on your mind.
I can also very much relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "I think what's cutting me is my guilt over the whole preventable tragic ending to Diva's life." Guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions we all experience during the deep grief, and it is one of the emotions that is the hardest to reconcile. Another component to experiencing a traumatic event - - particularly one in which someone we know is physically separated from us - - is called "Survivor's Guilt" - - which was another component to the PTSD which the professional counselor worked very intensely with me those many years ago. To this day, 27 years later, I wish with all my heart I could turn the hands of time back to that moment which resulted in the physical loss of my mom - - although the circumstances were legally not my fault but that of the other driver I was still her caregiver and therefore responsible for keeping her safe. I could not keep her safe from a reckless driver who crossed over into our lane of traffic and hit our car headon. The auotomobile collision was preventable had the other driver maintained control of his car - - but the circumstances of what happened when he lost control of his vehicle were out of my control. And so it is with your beloved Diva.
And I can also relate to your feelings as you share with us: "Life seems so cruel. I'm just thinking now ( I can't ever turn this off) how here I have been preparing for the departure of my 20 year old cat who pees on puppy pads, can't jump up, and is so finicky with eating that I have to supplement his food with a high calorie booster gel. I also sub q him a few times a month due to his kidneys failing. And now my beautiful Diva dies so unexpectedly. I was nowhere prepared for her death." - - I feel the same way about my mom - - she had come through so much with her diagnosis of cancer and the treatments, and the treatment-induced stroke that left her so toally debilitated for over a year - - she was just getting her life back. I remember laying in my hospital bed - - and for many months afterward thinking that I was in a very bad dream that would end when I finally woke up. I was living a very bad nightmare that seemed to have no end.
Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - so you had no idea that the day's events would result in the tragic loss of your beloved Diva - - as I had no foreknowledge when I was driving my mom to the dentist that we would become victims of a head-on collision - - and that she would succumb to her injuries 6 weeks later. What I can tell you is that, even though you will always have the memory of what happened that day that took your beloved Diva's sweet precious physical presence from you, as your deep grief eases you will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Diva share.
But it takes time to get to this point, raccoonkisses, and I promise you it WILL happen - - in your own way and in your own time. And so it is with your precious Tippy as well. He needs your loving comfort, raccoonkisses, for in comforting him you will also be comforted - - you both have experienced a very tragic and traumatic loss, and you need each other.
I am so very glad you and Tippy had a very enjoyable time at the K9 races today. I hope this will be the beginning of many more enjoyable days for you, your precious Tippy, each of your precious companions, and your family. Please know you and your precious Tippy are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hello Moonbeam,
I'm honored by your vulnerability to have shared such a personal story with me. I know that it was probably hard even 27 years later to talk about. I can't imagine - I'm so sorry. You are a true testament of the strength of the human spirit. For you to have experienced that breaks my heart. You obviously do know about the pain that I speak of then all too well.
You know, the day of the event, I was driving home my usual route listening to a radio station I never listen to. The song "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" by Kelly Clarkson came on and I had an argument in my head about the lyrics. I was thinking, I totally do NOT agree with that. I asked myself, "Then why do people commit suicide?" Right after this brief argument in my head I actually silently thanked God for all my blessings. How would I know that within a half hour that my world would be turned upside down?!
You're right when you say Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - so you had no idea that the day's events would result in the tragic loss of your beloved Diva - - as I had no foreknowledge when I was driving my mom to the dentist that we would become victims of a head-on collision - - and that she would succumb to her injuries 6 weeks later. What I can tell you is that, even though you will always have the memory of what happened that day that took your beloved Diva's sweet precious physical presence from you, as your deep grief eases you will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Diva share.
God, how I go back in my head to those seconds before my Diva lost her life and think if I only knew I had mere seconds to be with my daughter. I would've bent down and kissed her, held her...
Did you ever have days where you felt that your home was both a blessing and a curse? I've been feeling that this house with all its reminders is a cell of pain. Every corner, every toy I see...I hate it. I don't want to be here and wish I could move out of here. But, at the same time, if I left I'd feel as though I was leaving beautiful memories of my Diva behind. The backyard where she used to love and sit in the shade near me as I worked in the yard, her big bed next to mine that she'd snore away in...it's just so hard.
You taking the time to even console me has helped so much. Thank you for listening to me. I do have three cats, too. They listen. Chloe even comes to my side when I cry. The night of the accident, she stayed by my side every through every toss and turn I made. She's even now here as I type away to you. I know she senses my pain. And I also know I do count her and my Oscar and Abraham among my blessings. Tippy's been staying with my parents. I have visitation for a few hours five times a week, longer on weekends. I know that sounds sad, but he's been happier with them. I'd hate to have him sit here all day with me and my husband being at work all day. My parents are retired and my sister who works part time lives with them (along with one dog and three cats). Their home is a happy home...
I take comfort in your words. Thank you again.
I'm honored by your vulnerability to have shared such a personal story with me. I know that it was probably hard even 27 years later to talk about. I can't imagine - I'm so sorry. You are a true testament of the strength of the human spirit. For you to have experienced that breaks my heart. You obviously do know about the pain that I speak of then all too well.
You know, the day of the event, I was driving home my usual route listening to a radio station I never listen to. The song "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" by Kelly Clarkson came on and I had an argument in my head about the lyrics. I was thinking, I totally do NOT agree with that. I asked myself, "Then why do people commit suicide?" Right after this brief argument in my head I actually silently thanked God for all my blessings. How would I know that within a half hour that my world would be turned upside down?!
You're right when you say Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - so you had no idea that the day's events would result in the tragic loss of your beloved Diva - - as I had no foreknowledge when I was driving my mom to the dentist that we would become victims of a head-on collision - - and that she would succumb to her injuries 6 weeks later. What I can tell you is that, even though you will always have the memory of what happened that day that took your beloved Diva's sweet precious physical presence from you, as your deep grief eases you will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Diva share.
God, how I go back in my head to those seconds before my Diva lost her life and think if I only knew I had mere seconds to be with my daughter. I would've bent down and kissed her, held her...
Did you ever have days where you felt that your home was both a blessing and a curse? I've been feeling that this house with all its reminders is a cell of pain. Every corner, every toy I see...I hate it. I don't want to be here and wish I could move out of here. But, at the same time, if I left I'd feel as though I was leaving beautiful memories of my Diva behind. The backyard where she used to love and sit in the shade near me as I worked in the yard, her big bed next to mine that she'd snore away in...it's just so hard.
You taking the time to even console me has helped so much. Thank you for listening to me. I do have three cats, too. They listen. Chloe even comes to my side when I cry. The night of the accident, she stayed by my side every through every toss and turn I made. She's even now here as I type away to you. I know she senses my pain. And I also know I do count her and my Oscar and Abraham among my blessings. Tippy's been staying with my parents. I have visitation for a few hours five times a week, longer on weekends. I know that sounds sad, but he's been happier with them. I'd hate to have him sit here all day with me and my husband being at work all day. My parents are retired and my sister who works part time lives with them (along with one dog and three cats). Their home is a happy home...
I take comfort in your words. Thank you again.
Hello RaccoonKisses
My heart is bleeding and my eyes weeping over your loss of your beautiful Diva. Her picture shows her soul. No wonder you are in love with her. What a precious face. And what soft fur - just made for huggiing. Oh RacoosKisses, here's a big hug for you - and many to spare whenever you need them. You've had a very traumatic thing happen, something compounded by the loss of your soul-mate, the one closest to your heart. I see MoonBeam has written her beautiful and wise and consoling letters to you. She's a wonderful woman and is sort of the mother of us all here on Lightning Strike, especially new people, whose pain is still a heavy concrete block on their hearts.
I am Gretta and Rufus's mom. Gretta is a chocolate lab, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. She was 9-10 years old when I adopted her. She was a stray dog picked up by animal control, starving and on her last legs. We had almost five wonderful years together. She opened my heart to so many things. Her passing was my first experience of separation from a soul-mate. Like everyone whose soul-mate has gone home, I was inconsolable for a long, long time. I SO recognize what you said about both wanting and not-wanting to go home. Like you say, everywhere you look, there are Gretta-things and each one in turn stabs your heart. Because of her age, I'd bought her the best orthopedic bed I could find and anelevated food and water dish. and so many other things just to make my girl comfortable and happy: snow booties for the double minus winters, a raincoat for the cold spring and fall rains, sunscreen for her thinning sides (from near-Cushing's). Now, efficient people would say these things were unnecessary - but they surely weren't for me. They were precious, though hugely painful, parts of Gretta. For the week after her passing, I was so sad that in order to feel closer to her, I slept on the dog bed myself. (I'm a solo so I can get away with things people who live with others can't).
RaccoonKisses, I won't even try to imagine the burden of guilt that compounds your grief by the thousands. When I think of myself, I can't even imagine how a person can live through a grief like this. I'll turn this over to MoonBeam, who does know through experience what this is like.
(RK I'm going to post this in parts since my computer has a random glitch that sometimes erases a whole message.)
love for now,
Gretta and Rufus's mom
My heart is bleeding and my eyes weeping over your loss of your beautiful Diva. Her picture shows her soul. No wonder you are in love with her. What a precious face. And what soft fur - just made for huggiing. Oh RacoosKisses, here's a big hug for you - and many to spare whenever you need them. You've had a very traumatic thing happen, something compounded by the loss of your soul-mate, the one closest to your heart. I see MoonBeam has written her beautiful and wise and consoling letters to you. She's a wonderful woman and is sort of the mother of us all here on Lightning Strike, especially new people, whose pain is still a heavy concrete block on their hearts.
I am Gretta and Rufus's mom. Gretta is a chocolate lab, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. She was 9-10 years old when I adopted her. She was a stray dog picked up by animal control, starving and on her last legs. We had almost five wonderful years together. She opened my heart to so many things. Her passing was my first experience of separation from a soul-mate. Like everyone whose soul-mate has gone home, I was inconsolable for a long, long time. I SO recognize what you said about both wanting and not-wanting to go home. Like you say, everywhere you look, there are Gretta-things and each one in turn stabs your heart. Because of her age, I'd bought her the best orthopedic bed I could find and anelevated food and water dish. and so many other things just to make my girl comfortable and happy: snow booties for the double minus winters, a raincoat for the cold spring and fall rains, sunscreen for her thinning sides (from near-Cushing's). Now, efficient people would say these things were unnecessary - but they surely weren't for me. They were precious, though hugely painful, parts of Gretta. For the week after her passing, I was so sad that in order to feel closer to her, I slept on the dog bed myself. (I'm a solo so I can get away with things people who live with others can't).
RaccoonKisses, I won't even try to imagine the burden of guilt that compounds your grief by the thousands. When I think of myself, I can't even imagine how a person can live through a grief like this. I'll turn this over to MoonBeam, who does know through experience what this is like.
(RK I'm going to post this in parts since my computer has a random glitch that sometimes erases a whole message.)
love for now,
Gretta and Rufus's mom
Hello again RacooonKisses,
A few months after Gretta passed, my arms felt so empty. They were full of love with no place to go. I dipped my toe into the rescue site of the organization from which I'd adopted Gretta - and felt like such a heel I cried for days. A few weweks later I went there again and saw Rufus, a 7 year old half black lab - half Newfie. He was only 7 years old and I worried that I would be on a fixed income while he had many years to live (a good thing!) and would I be able to afford it. (AHA moment: When you turn animals into an "it" it always leads to wrong thinking.) But I went back to the site, his eyes bored through the screen right into my heart and I could do nothing else but become his forever mom.
Forever didn't last too long - only 21 short months, but they were the best 21 months of my life. Then last year my younger sister, the dearest person to me on earth, developed Stage 4 cancer and eventually had to have some horrendous (but effective) surgery half a continent away and I went to help her. Rufus has a foster mom he'd lived with for two years while waiting to get adopted. She misses him a lot and whenever I go away, she takes care of him. One morning she called me and said Rufus had thrown up the night before and wasn't eating. She'd taken him to her vet and the vet thought she could feel an abdonminal mass. I had her race Rufus to my onw vet about a hundred miles away. Meanwhile I called him and he told me some very scary news: that palpable abdominal masses were almost always tumors of the spleen and that these tumors were almost always non-solid but were made up ot thousands of newly formed, tangled blood vessels and were inoperable because any opening would make the person/dog.cat bleed out. This wonderful man put Rufus into his own car and drove him 40 miles to our University Vet school Hospital where high-resolution ultrasound confirmed the even worse. The tumor had spread to his heart and it was now bleeding into the sac around the heart, compressing the heart.
Then the call of calls came to me when we were eating supper on the east coast, asking me what I wanted to do. What was there to do? My sister was in more than critical condition and touch-and-go for survival and my dog was dying 1900 miles away. I had to make the decision to stay where I was and for the U of M Vets to give Rufus the pink shot. My babay went home all alone. Nobody to hodl his giant head, nobody to stroke his velvet ears, nobody to tell him what a truly GOOD dog he is, nobody to tell him how much he is loved. Just that tiny bit of guilt brings me to my knees daily. And your burden is thousand of times greater. RaccoonKisses, here are a thousand hugs; no, here is a hug for every hours of your life.
Know that I care for you and am here all day and all night. Know that I will never, ever tire of hearing stories or seeing picture of Diva and Tibby and your other furbabies. Know that I'll take on a little of your pain and so will MoonBeam and many others so that you WILL live. These experiences have changed me in may significant ways. Do you feel like you're living in a twisted version of The Wizard of Oz? Dorothy looking for a home - we looking for the home that WAS right before the accident or tumor. The Tin Man looking for a heart - we looking for a heart that isn't shredded by grief and guilt. The Cowardly Lion looking for brains, we realizing that brains will keep us leading "walking robot" lives until help comes and stop us from doing dangerous things, and then the Wizard turns out to be a big baloon - must be all those people who tell us "It's only a dog" or 'get over it" or "Are you stil obsessing about THAT?" You have to feel sorry for these people because is it so obvious that they have never met sought out by their soul mate animals and never experience the great love between two beings who share pieces of each other's souls.
Please keep exhaling after you inhale and putting one foot in front of the other. And as MoonBeam says, just do what you can. Things that don't get done today can get done tomorrow or wait until it is their turn to get done. I cannot imagine the strength and courage it takes to face a roomful of first graders who have absolutely no ability to comprehend what you've been through and yet you find the strength to say things like "It's a sunny day. Dive would have loved it and been outside playing." My hat and heart is off to you, RaccoonKisses. Always.
Gretta and Rufus's mom
A few months after Gretta passed, my arms felt so empty. They were full of love with no place to go. I dipped my toe into the rescue site of the organization from which I'd adopted Gretta - and felt like such a heel I cried for days. A few weweks later I went there again and saw Rufus, a 7 year old half black lab - half Newfie. He was only 7 years old and I worried that I would be on a fixed income while he had many years to live (a good thing!) and would I be able to afford it. (AHA moment: When you turn animals into an "it" it always leads to wrong thinking.) But I went back to the site, his eyes bored through the screen right into my heart and I could do nothing else but become his forever mom.
Forever didn't last too long - only 21 short months, but they were the best 21 months of my life. Then last year my younger sister, the dearest person to me on earth, developed Stage 4 cancer and eventually had to have some horrendous (but effective) surgery half a continent away and I went to help her. Rufus has a foster mom he'd lived with for two years while waiting to get adopted. She misses him a lot and whenever I go away, she takes care of him. One morning she called me and said Rufus had thrown up the night before and wasn't eating. She'd taken him to her vet and the vet thought she could feel an abdonminal mass. I had her race Rufus to my onw vet about a hundred miles away. Meanwhile I called him and he told me some very scary news: that palpable abdominal masses were almost always tumors of the spleen and that these tumors were almost always non-solid but were made up ot thousands of newly formed, tangled blood vessels and were inoperable because any opening would make the person/dog.cat bleed out. This wonderful man put Rufus into his own car and drove him 40 miles to our University Vet school Hospital where high-resolution ultrasound confirmed the even worse. The tumor had spread to his heart and it was now bleeding into the sac around the heart, compressing the heart.
Then the call of calls came to me when we were eating supper on the east coast, asking me what I wanted to do. What was there to do? My sister was in more than critical condition and touch-and-go for survival and my dog was dying 1900 miles away. I had to make the decision to stay where I was and for the U of M Vets to give Rufus the pink shot. My babay went home all alone. Nobody to hodl his giant head, nobody to stroke his velvet ears, nobody to tell him what a truly GOOD dog he is, nobody to tell him how much he is loved. Just that tiny bit of guilt brings me to my knees daily. And your burden is thousand of times greater. RaccoonKisses, here are a thousand hugs; no, here is a hug for every hours of your life.
Know that I care for you and am here all day and all night. Know that I will never, ever tire of hearing stories or seeing picture of Diva and Tibby and your other furbabies. Know that I'll take on a little of your pain and so will MoonBeam and many others so that you WILL live. These experiences have changed me in may significant ways. Do you feel like you're living in a twisted version of The Wizard of Oz? Dorothy looking for a home - we looking for the home that WAS right before the accident or tumor. The Tin Man looking for a heart - we looking for a heart that isn't shredded by grief and guilt. The Cowardly Lion looking for brains, we realizing that brains will keep us leading "walking robot" lives until help comes and stop us from doing dangerous things, and then the Wizard turns out to be a big baloon - must be all those people who tell us "It's only a dog" or 'get over it" or "Are you stil obsessing about THAT?" You have to feel sorry for these people because is it so obvious that they have never met sought out by their soul mate animals and never experience the great love between two beings who share pieces of each other's souls.
Please keep exhaling after you inhale and putting one foot in front of the other. And as MoonBeam says, just do what you can. Things that don't get done today can get done tomorrow or wait until it is their turn to get done. I cannot imagine the strength and courage it takes to face a roomful of first graders who have absolutely no ability to comprehend what you've been through and yet you find the strength to say things like "It's a sunny day. Dive would have loved it and been outside playing." My hat and heart is off to you, RaccoonKisses. Always.
Gretta and Rufus's mom
Hi, raccoonkisses, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement.
Yes, I can so well understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Did you ever have days where you felt that your home was both a blessing and a curse?" - - We live in a physically oriented world that is governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an energy that becomes a part of the family unit. When this energy is no longer physically present, there is a significant change in the dynamics of the family unit, and it can feel as though the house structure itself is mourning the physical loss. Even when we have other precious companions still physically with us, the physical absence of the one who is no longer with us is excruciatingly missed. The sound of their silence in the dynamcis of the family unit is deafening.
This, too, unfortunately, is a normal part of the painful grief adjustment journey, raccoonkisses - - the adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Diva. As you and your precious Chloe, Oscar, and Abraham -- and perhaps Tippy - - adjust to the "new normal" in your home you will eventually feel a renewed energy in your family unit. But this takes time, raccoonkisses - - one day at a time in your own way and in your own time.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, raccoonkisses, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Yes, I can so well understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Did you ever have days where you felt that your home was both a blessing and a curse?" - - We live in a physically oriented world that is governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an energy that becomes a part of the family unit. When this energy is no longer physically present, there is a significant change in the dynamics of the family unit, and it can feel as though the house structure itself is mourning the physical loss. Even when we have other precious companions still physically with us, the physical absence of the one who is no longer with us is excruciatingly missed. The sound of their silence in the dynamcis of the family unit is deafening.
This, too, unfortunately, is a normal part of the painful grief adjustment journey, raccoonkisses - - the adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Diva. As you and your precious Chloe, Oscar, and Abraham -- and perhaps Tippy - - adjust to the "new normal" in your home you will eventually feel a renewed energy in your family unit. But this takes time, raccoonkisses - - one day at a time in your own way and in your own time.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, raccoonkisses, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hello Gretta's mom and Moonbeam,
First off, thank you for the cyber hugs. I so needed that. I read each of your posts at work and cried. Thankfully, I do not have a class that first period. I teach Talented and Gifted grades K-5. I only see K-2 once a week and then teach Language Arts and Math to grades 3-5 daily. I'm glad for having the older students because most completely understand what I'm going through. A few even told me that they had lost furry companions from cancer or old age. I could see the teary eyes. Some have already witnessed me cry - something will trigger it in a conversation. The first day after the accident I had gone home in the middle of the day. But, the next morning I found flowers from the fifth grade teachers and a few hand drawn cards from some of my fifth graders. One wise girl said that Diva wouldn't want me to be sad. She drew a picture of heaven...She's right of course. Intellectually, I get that. However, my heart is not following suit of my head.
Gretta's mom, I'm so sorry you lost your precious Rufus after only 21 months. It just doesn't seem fair does it? I mean, you find your soulmate and then they're gone. Why can't soulmates stay longer? I think it's totally awesome and noble that you went to volunteer at the shelter. I'm sorry you felt like a heel - It's hard. I'm just so glad you pushed through, opened your heart to a dog in need of you. I know he needed you as much as you needed him. It usually works that way, doesn't it? That's why I love the bumper sticker "Who rescued who?" It takes a big heart to volunteer and a place like that. I did it a bit when I was 16 and couldn't do it anymore when they asked me to do the intake desk. It was a kill shelter. Nope. No can do. Probably good that God/universe didn't allow me to get into vet school. I would've wasted a lot of money to finish and find that I just couldn't go through euthanizing an animal on a daily basis.
When you say Now, efficient people would say these things were unnecessary - but they surely weren't for me. They were precious, though hugely painful, parts of Gretta. For the week after her passing, I was so sad that in order to feel closer to her, I slept on the dog bed myself. (I'm a solo so I can get away with things people who live with others can't).
I totally understand. Hey, I find all that you gave your dog necessary. I got my dogs a few beds so they could choose which one they wanted to sleep in. They also have a toy box full of cat and dog toys. Yes, Diva was fond of cat toys. She loved the chirping bird ones or the squeaking mouse one. She'd throw it up in the air and chase after it. Tippy even has a rain coat because he hates water. Diva, on the other hand, would rush toward puddles and get me all wet on a walk. I always laughed and never minded. She knew that she'd have to get a bath, though, which she didn't mind either. I always massaged in her oatmeal shampoo and conditioner, wiped her off with a huge towel, gave her a kiss and a bone. It's just my husband and I here so we love buying things for the "kids". We only see his daughter every other weekend. We have really never gotten along. She doesn't have many emotions and has trouble communicating appropriately without rolling of the eyes etc. However, right before Diva's death, I had prayed to God to heal our family. I just couldn't see going through the motions six more years until she graduated. Then Diva was killed - it was the first time I saw any emotion from my husband's daughter. She made me a card, cried, and even hugged me. That melted my heart. But, if that's how God is going to take care of things I better not pray anymore...honestly, I don't believe really that God took her from me. Things happen and not always for a reason. Therefore, it's up to me to make a reason. And I choose to make it mean that I need to build my relationship with my step-daughter.
Gretta's mom, can I ask which hospital you're referring to? I know you mentioned the U of M and I'm not sure if you mean MN or MI or another location. I ask because reading your reply brought not only tears but goosebumps. I went to the "U of M" (University of Minnesota) and even studied pre-vet me. I lived in MN for 28 years before moving. And then you said you had to that awful decision to put down your beautiful, soulful Rufus over the phone. How heart breaking. I understand completely of that open wound of not being able to say goodbye. I just wish that we didn't always have to make the decision. I just wish they'd go into God's arms in their sleep - without pain. They don't deserve it. I confided this to a friend and she asked if Diva yelped before getting hit. I said no. She just stopped barking. Then my friend replied, "So, she's only known love. She never knew pain". Yes. And for that I'm so grateful. I just wish her happiness could've lasted a lot longer on this earth with me. I was thinking I had at least 6 more years with her. But, we never know. Do we?
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. Is she better? Both my sister and I went in for a lump on Nov. 6th of last year. My turned out to be nothing. My sister's turned out to be stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and bones and therefore they said her condition was inoperable. So, hearing this news I scoured the internet looking for statistic rates on stage 4 cancer. I remember going to one site that led family and friends of stage 4 cancer patients to a free book that they'll send to you called, "Saying Goodbye". Well, you can imagine that hit me hard. My sister, too, is my very best friend. I convinced her to move here from Minnesota six years ago. So, we have that we've been dealing with, then I have the impending death of my beloved Oscar (I just had to stop typing for a moment. He's blind and is crying for me - a 3 minute hug and he's fine now), and then this unexpected death of my Diva that was mostly my fault. Yes, moonbeam is correct, I couldn't control the driver's speed or his callous way of hitting my dog, never braking, then running over her. That's how fast he was going...just said he never saw her. Of course, I knew I was in the presence of my soulmate. My dad called our family "lucky" and wrote on my FB wall that our lucky streak was now over.
I remember looking over Diva's body and thinking, "How am I going to live without you? I don't want to live without you." Thank you both for letting me know that things do get better. I still cry daily and sometimes I feel as though it was just yesterday that this all happened. I know it will take baby steps. You're right, Moonbeam, the house feels like it has a different energy, a lower vibration. Diva had so much energy...now it's all gone.
I have my visitation tomorrow with Tippy. And if you don't mind I'd like to let you know how he's doing after I see him. I'm going to leave now and try to be social. Gonna go to my husband's running group. It should be good for me. I don't know about you but I've gained a lot of poundage in just a few weeks. The first few days I couldn't even touch food. Now, it's all I have to deal with these emotions. My desk drawer is packed with bad food. Ugh.
Hugs and Kisses,
Diva's mom
First off, thank you for the cyber hugs. I so needed that. I read each of your posts at work and cried. Thankfully, I do not have a class that first period. I teach Talented and Gifted grades K-5. I only see K-2 once a week and then teach Language Arts and Math to grades 3-5 daily. I'm glad for having the older students because most completely understand what I'm going through. A few even told me that they had lost furry companions from cancer or old age. I could see the teary eyes. Some have already witnessed me cry - something will trigger it in a conversation. The first day after the accident I had gone home in the middle of the day. But, the next morning I found flowers from the fifth grade teachers and a few hand drawn cards from some of my fifth graders. One wise girl said that Diva wouldn't want me to be sad. She drew a picture of heaven...She's right of course. Intellectually, I get that. However, my heart is not following suit of my head.
Gretta's mom, I'm so sorry you lost your precious Rufus after only 21 months. It just doesn't seem fair does it? I mean, you find your soulmate and then they're gone. Why can't soulmates stay longer? I think it's totally awesome and noble that you went to volunteer at the shelter. I'm sorry you felt like a heel - It's hard. I'm just so glad you pushed through, opened your heart to a dog in need of you. I know he needed you as much as you needed him. It usually works that way, doesn't it? That's why I love the bumper sticker "Who rescued who?" It takes a big heart to volunteer and a place like that. I did it a bit when I was 16 and couldn't do it anymore when they asked me to do the intake desk. It was a kill shelter. Nope. No can do. Probably good that God/universe didn't allow me to get into vet school. I would've wasted a lot of money to finish and find that I just couldn't go through euthanizing an animal on a daily basis.
When you say Now, efficient people would say these things were unnecessary - but they surely weren't for me. They were precious, though hugely painful, parts of Gretta. For the week after her passing, I was so sad that in order to feel closer to her, I slept on the dog bed myself. (I'm a solo so I can get away with things people who live with others can't).
I totally understand. Hey, I find all that you gave your dog necessary. I got my dogs a few beds so they could choose which one they wanted to sleep in. They also have a toy box full of cat and dog toys. Yes, Diva was fond of cat toys. She loved the chirping bird ones or the squeaking mouse one. She'd throw it up in the air and chase after it. Tippy even has a rain coat because he hates water. Diva, on the other hand, would rush toward puddles and get me all wet on a walk. I always laughed and never minded. She knew that she'd have to get a bath, though, which she didn't mind either. I always massaged in her oatmeal shampoo and conditioner, wiped her off with a huge towel, gave her a kiss and a bone. It's just my husband and I here so we love buying things for the "kids". We only see his daughter every other weekend. We have really never gotten along. She doesn't have many emotions and has trouble communicating appropriately without rolling of the eyes etc. However, right before Diva's death, I had prayed to God to heal our family. I just couldn't see going through the motions six more years until she graduated. Then Diva was killed - it was the first time I saw any emotion from my husband's daughter. She made me a card, cried, and even hugged me. That melted my heart. But, if that's how God is going to take care of things I better not pray anymore...honestly, I don't believe really that God took her from me. Things happen and not always for a reason. Therefore, it's up to me to make a reason. And I choose to make it mean that I need to build my relationship with my step-daughter.
Gretta's mom, can I ask which hospital you're referring to? I know you mentioned the U of M and I'm not sure if you mean MN or MI or another location. I ask because reading your reply brought not only tears but goosebumps. I went to the "U of M" (University of Minnesota) and even studied pre-vet me. I lived in MN for 28 years before moving. And then you said you had to that awful decision to put down your beautiful, soulful Rufus over the phone. How heart breaking. I understand completely of that open wound of not being able to say goodbye. I just wish that we didn't always have to make the decision. I just wish they'd go into God's arms in their sleep - without pain. They don't deserve it. I confided this to a friend and she asked if Diva yelped before getting hit. I said no. She just stopped barking. Then my friend replied, "So, she's only known love. She never knew pain". Yes. And for that I'm so grateful. I just wish her happiness could've lasted a lot longer on this earth with me. I was thinking I had at least 6 more years with her. But, we never know. Do we?
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. Is she better? Both my sister and I went in for a lump on Nov. 6th of last year. My turned out to be nothing. My sister's turned out to be stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and bones and therefore they said her condition was inoperable. So, hearing this news I scoured the internet looking for statistic rates on stage 4 cancer. I remember going to one site that led family and friends of stage 4 cancer patients to a free book that they'll send to you called, "Saying Goodbye". Well, you can imagine that hit me hard. My sister, too, is my very best friend. I convinced her to move here from Minnesota six years ago. So, we have that we've been dealing with, then I have the impending death of my beloved Oscar (I just had to stop typing for a moment. He's blind and is crying for me - a 3 minute hug and he's fine now), and then this unexpected death of my Diva that was mostly my fault. Yes, moonbeam is correct, I couldn't control the driver's speed or his callous way of hitting my dog, never braking, then running over her. That's how fast he was going...just said he never saw her. Of course, I knew I was in the presence of my soulmate. My dad called our family "lucky" and wrote on my FB wall that our lucky streak was now over.
I remember looking over Diva's body and thinking, "How am I going to live without you? I don't want to live without you." Thank you both for letting me know that things do get better. I still cry daily and sometimes I feel as though it was just yesterday that this all happened. I know it will take baby steps. You're right, Moonbeam, the house feels like it has a different energy, a lower vibration. Diva had so much energy...now it's all gone.
I have my visitation tomorrow with Tippy. And if you don't mind I'd like to let you know how he's doing after I see him. I'm going to leave now and try to be social. Gonna go to my husband's running group. It should be good for me. I don't know about you but I've gained a lot of poundage in just a few weeks. The first few days I couldn't even touch food. Now, it's all I have to deal with these emotions. My desk drawer is packed with bad food. Ugh.
Hugs and Kisses,
Diva's mom
Hi, raccoonkisses, thank you very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so glad you are receiving comfort and support from some of your colleagues and students, and your step-daughter. It is so wonderful when you receive unexpected comfort.
I know your precious Tippy will be happy to see you, and perhaps eventually you feel him ready to begin transitioning back to being home with you and your husband and his housemates in the evening. It is so wonderful that he has grandparents and other family members to take care of him during the day while his parents are at work. Please let us know how your and your precious Tippy's visit goes.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, raccoonkisses, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
I know your precious Tippy will be happy to see you, and perhaps eventually you feel him ready to begin transitioning back to being home with you and your husband and his housemates in the evening. It is so wonderful that he has grandparents and other family members to take care of him during the day while his parents are at work. Please let us know how your and your precious Tippy's visit goes.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, raccoonkisses, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Good morning RaccoonKisses
I just read your post on Rufus's thread. Yes, every time you read about someone else's loss, yours comes back. Some people's thoughts go straight to your heart - like yours did to my heart. Every day I try to stroke your soul with a feather, because it's so injured that that's all it can endure. I'm so glad my words to baby Rufus (he WASN'T a baby, in either age or size!) touched your heart and gave you the idea to write to Baby Diva. Some days you have lost to say, some days just a note to tell them you're thinking of them, miss them and love them. It's a connection - and I find the more I repeat it, the more I believe it. (But that doesn't stop the tears from falling!)
Have a gentle day, RC, and please keep in touch.
Gretta and Rufus's mom
I just read your post on Rufus's thread. Yes, every time you read about someone else's loss, yours comes back. Some people's thoughts go straight to your heart - like yours did to my heart. Every day I try to stroke your soul with a feather, because it's so injured that that's all it can endure. I'm so glad my words to baby Rufus (he WASN'T a baby, in either age or size!) touched your heart and gave you the idea to write to Baby Diva. Some days you have lost to say, some days just a note to tell them you're thinking of them, miss them and love them. It's a connection - and I find the more I repeat it, the more I believe it. (But that doesn't stop the tears from falling!)
Have a gentle day, RC, and please keep in touch.
Gretta and Rufus's mom
Hello all,
Thank you once again for your kind words. Moonbeam and Gretta and Rufus' mom, I have read and reread your messages to me in order to assuage the guilt and pain of all of this. You are two kinds souls.
I have so many thoughts this morning and many mornings and wonder why others haven't written... I heard the mourning doves coo as I awoke this morning. It made me cry. It is the sound I heard the first morning without my Diva.
I saw the UPS driver the other day a block ahead of me. He was driving very slowly.
A neighbor came over the other day letting me know that she had contacted the police about getting speed bumps on our street. That was comforting. She also told me that the UPS driver told her that he had a dog hit by a car once and that he was sorry for hitting mine. I know he didn't want it to happen. I no longer want to place blame. There are a lot of should'ves could'ves with me that still stir. I cannot shake the thoughts no matter how hard I try or pray.
I keep going back to the image of that last moments of my Diva. She's sitting so nicely on the sidewalk waiting for me and Maggie to catch up. I am an arm's distance from her - so close yet so far.
I had a dream with her the other night. She was laying beside me and I was stroking her fur. She didn't have her summer cut but donned her full furry self. I had a feeling she never liked that cut even though everyone commented how she looked like such a puppy with it. In the dream she lifted her eyes as though I was scolding her for chasing the cat. I got this message from her, "I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't want to leave that soon". I just continued to stroke her and let her know it was ok. I felt oddly more at ease the next morning.
I have been riddled with guilt - writing her and praying to her that I hope she knows how sorry I am. I still have the guilt though people have told me to stop the chatter. It's hard. Sometimes I get so down on myself I think, I bet I'm unforgiveable. I've only had two people respond to my story - my pain. Perhaps, maybe most (even you) think I do not deserve forgiveness. Here I was with a healthy dog and my negligence got her killed. I feel as though I've taken her from my neighbors, my family...the world.
The other day I went walking with my sister. We didn't have the strength to run, not with my grief or in this heat. I saw four different dogs playing in the yard unleashed with their family members. One was at the end of a cul de sac. I couldn't help but feel jealous and guilty all at the same time. My longing for Diva is so intense. Why her? She was so good, listened to me, walked by my side. a social butterfly... Of course, in the end it's my fault, but I do wish her previous owner hadn't told me that she prefers to walk off leash...I probably wouldn't have done this all these years if I hadn't heard that. But, then, I know she was so happy. We were safe on our street with no traffic - until that day - that horrible day.
I have yet to go get the mail which is half way down the block. When I arrive home, I can't help looking down the street at where her body once lay.
This pain continues. I cry daily though I don't sob as often. I still am on the verge of tears, but I've gotten better. I can only wait and hope that I will be forgiven from others, from God, from myself.
Tippy has gotten happier. I continue to get to my parents, feed him, and give him his evening walk. He and Maggie have been sleeping in the same bed - two peas in a pod. We're thinking of maybe moving few blocks from my parents. It's not in stone, but it would be nice to be closer. And a family friend is moving here within a few months. Oddly, before the accident, she had asked my mother if I was planning on moving so she could have our house. She just might get it.
Thank you for letting me ramble and allowing me to process this even through writing.
I love you, Diva. Thank you for coming so often in my dreams. I no longer fear sleeping knowing that I will see you when I close my eyes.
Thank you once again for your kind words. Moonbeam and Gretta and Rufus' mom, I have read and reread your messages to me in order to assuage the guilt and pain of all of this. You are two kinds souls.
I have so many thoughts this morning and many mornings and wonder why others haven't written... I heard the mourning doves coo as I awoke this morning. It made me cry. It is the sound I heard the first morning without my Diva.
I saw the UPS driver the other day a block ahead of me. He was driving very slowly.
A neighbor came over the other day letting me know that she had contacted the police about getting speed bumps on our street. That was comforting. She also told me that the UPS driver told her that he had a dog hit by a car once and that he was sorry for hitting mine. I know he didn't want it to happen. I no longer want to place blame. There are a lot of should'ves could'ves with me that still stir. I cannot shake the thoughts no matter how hard I try or pray.
I keep going back to the image of that last moments of my Diva. She's sitting so nicely on the sidewalk waiting for me and Maggie to catch up. I am an arm's distance from her - so close yet so far.
I had a dream with her the other night. She was laying beside me and I was stroking her fur. She didn't have her summer cut but donned her full furry self. I had a feeling she never liked that cut even though everyone commented how she looked like such a puppy with it. In the dream she lifted her eyes as though I was scolding her for chasing the cat. I got this message from her, "I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't want to leave that soon". I just continued to stroke her and let her know it was ok. I felt oddly more at ease the next morning.
I have been riddled with guilt - writing her and praying to her that I hope she knows how sorry I am. I still have the guilt though people have told me to stop the chatter. It's hard. Sometimes I get so down on myself I think, I bet I'm unforgiveable. I've only had two people respond to my story - my pain. Perhaps, maybe most (even you) think I do not deserve forgiveness. Here I was with a healthy dog and my negligence got her killed. I feel as though I've taken her from my neighbors, my family...the world.
The other day I went walking with my sister. We didn't have the strength to run, not with my grief or in this heat. I saw four different dogs playing in the yard unleashed with their family members. One was at the end of a cul de sac. I couldn't help but feel jealous and guilty all at the same time. My longing for Diva is so intense. Why her? She was so good, listened to me, walked by my side. a social butterfly... Of course, in the end it's my fault, but I do wish her previous owner hadn't told me that she prefers to walk off leash...I probably wouldn't have done this all these years if I hadn't heard that. But, then, I know she was so happy. We were safe on our street with no traffic - until that day - that horrible day.
I have yet to go get the mail which is half way down the block. When I arrive home, I can't help looking down the street at where her body once lay.
This pain continues. I cry daily though I don't sob as often. I still am on the verge of tears, but I've gotten better. I can only wait and hope that I will be forgiven from others, from God, from myself.
Tippy has gotten happier. I continue to get to my parents, feed him, and give him his evening walk. He and Maggie have been sleeping in the same bed - two peas in a pod. We're thinking of maybe moving few blocks from my parents. It's not in stone, but it would be nice to be closer. And a family friend is moving here within a few months. Oddly, before the accident, she had asked my mother if I was planning on moving so she could have our house. She just might get it.
Thank you for letting me ramble and allowing me to process this even through writing.
I love you, Diva. Thank you for coming so often in my dreams. I no longer fear sleeping knowing that I will see you when I close my eyes.
Hi, raccoonkisses, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that there are NO judgments made here. What happened to your beloved Diva is a traumatic tragedy, and hopefully someday you will come to have a peace in your heart that will overcome the deep sadness.
Raccoonkisses, I genuinely wish I knew the right words in the right order to share with you that could help you through this agonizingly painful grief journey, but I know so well from first hand experience that all the words in the world cannot change what happened to your beloved Diva - - and no words can magically take away the excruciating pain of sorrow that is in your heart. But I promise you, raccoonkisses, that one day - - when you least expect it - - you will begin to feel the burden of pain and sorrow ease and your heart will not feel so overwhelmed with heavy sorrow. Hopefully in time you will come to know that you gave your beloved Diva a happy earthly journey with you, and you will find comfort in the eternal love you and your beloved Diva share.
But this will take time, raccoonkisses, in your own way and in your own time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. One of the most important things for you to know is that you are NOT alone. God promises that we will be comforted in our deepest sorrow, and this wonderful forum is one of the many ways in which He keeps this promise. Although Gretta's Mom and I may be the only ones actively responding right now, 170 people have read your post thus far and are lifting you in prayer for you to know God's loving, comforting Presence as you travel your grief adjustment journey. You are NOT alone, raccoonkisses. And your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit is watching over you and comforting you to let you know that her eternal love for you is enduring.
I'm so glad to share your news that Tippy is doing better, and that you are enjoying your time with one another. It would be nice if you could be geographically closer to your parents, and knowing that a good friend would be living in your current home. I hope whatever you decide will go smoothly.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, raccoonkisses, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Raccoonkisses, I genuinely wish I knew the right words in the right order to share with you that could help you through this agonizingly painful grief journey, but I know so well from first hand experience that all the words in the world cannot change what happened to your beloved Diva - - and no words can magically take away the excruciating pain of sorrow that is in your heart. But I promise you, raccoonkisses, that one day - - when you least expect it - - you will begin to feel the burden of pain and sorrow ease and your heart will not feel so overwhelmed with heavy sorrow. Hopefully in time you will come to know that you gave your beloved Diva a happy earthly journey with you, and you will find comfort in the eternal love you and your beloved Diva share.
But this will take time, raccoonkisses, in your own way and in your own time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. One of the most important things for you to know is that you are NOT alone. God promises that we will be comforted in our deepest sorrow, and this wonderful forum is one of the many ways in which He keeps this promise. Although Gretta's Mom and I may be the only ones actively responding right now, 170 people have read your post thus far and are lifting you in prayer for you to know God's loving, comforting Presence as you travel your grief adjustment journey. You are NOT alone, raccoonkisses. And your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit is watching over you and comforting you to let you know that her eternal love for you is enduring.
I'm so glad to share your news that Tippy is doing better, and that you are enjoying your time with one another. It would be nice if you could be geographically closer to your parents, and knowing that a good friend would be living in your current home. I hope whatever you decide will go smoothly.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, raccoonkisses, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
My Dear Raccoonkisses,
I am so sorry I haven't written sooner. I'm not much of a comfort to anyone with my few words, but I feel deeply for everyone that has lost their companion, especially in such a tragic way. I cry every time I read the posts as I am now. Every time I see a UPS truck, I get tears.
Raccoonkisses, I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet Diva. Please don't blame yourself, it was just a tragic accident. Just remember Diva is in the Perfect World (heaven) and we will all be together when our time comes. I lost my Mickey over 2 years ago, heart trouble. It's still hard, but I can smile more about the funny things he did and think of the good times we had. This grief journey has been the hardest thing I have ever traveled. It just takes time.
Raccoonkisses, you are in my thoughts and prayers to find peace in your heart. May God bless and comfort you.
Love and Hugs,
P.S. Diva is such a beautiful doggie.
LoveMyMickey
I am so sorry I haven't written sooner. I'm not much of a comfort to anyone with my few words, but I feel deeply for everyone that has lost their companion, especially in such a tragic way. I cry every time I read the posts as I am now. Every time I see a UPS truck, I get tears.
Raccoonkisses, I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet Diva. Please don't blame yourself, it was just a tragic accident. Just remember Diva is in the Perfect World (heaven) and we will all be together when our time comes. I lost my Mickey over 2 years ago, heart trouble. It's still hard, but I can smile more about the funny things he did and think of the good times we had. This grief journey has been the hardest thing I have ever traveled. It just takes time.
Raccoonkisses, you are in my thoughts and prayers to find peace in your heart. May God bless and comfort you.
Love and Hugs,
P.S. Diva is such a beautiful doggie.
LoveMyMickey
Oh, how sorry I am for you Raccoonkisses. What a tragic story. So many of us have lost our beloved fur babies on this site, but mostly due to illness and age. To lose one of our angels so suddenly and tragically must compound the grief so much more. Thank you for sharing your story and know that you are in my prayers.
Like "LovemyMickey" mentioned, UPS trucks will never be the same to me again.
I believe in heaven and a continuum, and I know that Diva is waiting for you on the other side. Until then, please look to this board for support...It saved me after I lost my fur baby (over) two years ago.
Keeping you and Diva in my prayers, Mark ( and Bicky)
Like "LovemyMickey" mentioned, UPS trucks will never be the same to me again.
I believe in heaven and a continuum, and I know that Diva is waiting for you on the other side. Until then, please look to this board for support...It saved me after I lost my fur baby (over) two years ago.
Keeping you and Diva in my prayers, Mark ( and Bicky)
Hello All Again,
I truly thank you with all my heart for your compassion and empathy for my plight. Mine is like yours as I read the many stories of heartbreak. I feel as though, as I read my story again, that I may appear as though I'm wallowing in self-pity. I am...but I will say this - I have found such comfort in all of your sharings, your words and in your wisdom of having traveled further on this grief continuum than I. And although I have been on this path several times before, I will say that the sudden loss and witnessing my beautiful daughter's death has been the single most difficult time I have had to endure in all of my life. I miss her so much at times that I feel as though I'll never be as happy as I was again.
@ Moon_beam - your wisdom and saying the right words have been truly a blessing. Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. You are an angel.
@Mickey - I read your story - Your Mickey is precious. I just love that you fostered another Malti poo - loved your story. And I even copied a poem that you shared there:
Golden Memories
They say memories are golden, well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one else could fill.
If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane.
I'd walk the path to Heaven and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us back one by one, the chain will link again.
Makes me cry.
@Mark - I'm sure you've heard this before but it's true. You're an incredible writer. I feel as though I found Bicky along with you on that adventure in Japan. You are my hero for taking Bicky in from starvation or worse. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I think I speak for all of us when I say that you were blessed to have lost Bicky sleeping beside you, peacefully passing away into God's hands as he slept. It still is hard, I know. The loss. Bicky was the perfect size - medium just like my Diva. She was 25 lbs.
The other day I decided to forgo the gym and hop onto a trail to run. It was a trail where I'd taken Diva several times. Of course, tears came remembering our many walks/runs together there. The sky opened up and turned a strange glowing yellow - it surrounded me. Of course, on a practical level I knew rain was near. But, another part of me felt as though it was a sign that I have Diva and others on another plane looking after me. It was like it was telling me that everything was going to be ok. Diva was in good company. The light rain came and hid my tears.
As I was on my run, my husband had stopped over at my parents' house to visit us. Yes, I'm still visiting the Tipster and haven't returned him home in the evenings yet. That's a bridge I wonder about - So, my husband got to my parents' and let himself in. I was out running, my parents had gone to Walmart, so he should've been there with Tippy, Maggie, and their three cats. However, Tippy was no where to be found. Maggie was there. The three cats were there. He assumed that I'd taken him out on my run (I have no idea why he would think I'd take a chihuahua running with me, but he did...) My parents arrived home 45 minutes later to find Mark, my husband, watching t.v. And here's Tippy running out from somewhere to greet my parents as they came through the garage door. That's right if you've guessed it - Tippy had been hiding from my husband for 45 minutes! He probably thought Mark was there to take him home and that was NOT what he wanted. So, now here I am with a dilemma - to take the Tippy home for good or to leave him where he loves to be - right with my parents. Hmmm..
I truly thank you with all my heart for your compassion and empathy for my plight. Mine is like yours as I read the many stories of heartbreak. I feel as though, as I read my story again, that I may appear as though I'm wallowing in self-pity. I am...but I will say this - I have found such comfort in all of your sharings, your words and in your wisdom of having traveled further on this grief continuum than I. And although I have been on this path several times before, I will say that the sudden loss and witnessing my beautiful daughter's death has been the single most difficult time I have had to endure in all of my life. I miss her so much at times that I feel as though I'll never be as happy as I was again.
@ Moon_beam - your wisdom and saying the right words have been truly a blessing. Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. You are an angel.
@Mickey - I read your story - Your Mickey is precious. I just love that you fostered another Malti poo - loved your story. And I even copied a poem that you shared there:
Golden Memories
They say memories are golden, well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one else could fill.
If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane.
I'd walk the path to Heaven and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us back one by one, the chain will link again.
Makes me cry.
@Mark - I'm sure you've heard this before but it's true. You're an incredible writer. I feel as though I found Bicky along with you on that adventure in Japan. You are my hero for taking Bicky in from starvation or worse. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I think I speak for all of us when I say that you were blessed to have lost Bicky sleeping beside you, peacefully passing away into God's hands as he slept. It still is hard, I know. The loss. Bicky was the perfect size - medium just like my Diva. She was 25 lbs.
The other day I decided to forgo the gym and hop onto a trail to run. It was a trail where I'd taken Diva several times. Of course, tears came remembering our many walks/runs together there. The sky opened up and turned a strange glowing yellow - it surrounded me. Of course, on a practical level I knew rain was near. But, another part of me felt as though it was a sign that I have Diva and others on another plane looking after me. It was like it was telling me that everything was going to be ok. Diva was in good company. The light rain came and hid my tears.
As I was on my run, my husband had stopped over at my parents' house to visit us. Yes, I'm still visiting the Tipster and haven't returned him home in the evenings yet. That's a bridge I wonder about - So, my husband got to my parents' and let himself in. I was out running, my parents had gone to Walmart, so he should've been there with Tippy, Maggie, and their three cats. However, Tippy was no where to be found. Maggie was there. The three cats were there. He assumed that I'd taken him out on my run (I have no idea why he would think I'd take a chihuahua running with me, but he did...) My parents arrived home 45 minutes later to find Mark, my husband, watching t.v. And here's Tippy running out from somewhere to greet my parents as they came through the garage door. That's right if you've guessed it - Tippy had been hiding from my husband for 45 minutes! He probably thought Mark was there to take him home and that was NOT what he wanted. So, now here I am with a dilemma - to take the Tippy home for good or to leave him where he loves to be - right with my parents. Hmmm..
Hi, raccoonkisses, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that the deep grief you are feeling is NOT self-pity - - it is genuine grief over the traumatic physical loss of your beloved Diva. What you are feeling is very normal when you share with us: "I miss her so much at times that I feel as though I'll never be as happy as I was again." The truth is -- your life is changed forever - - the happiness you will have from this point forward will be "different" - - for nothing now is or can ever be the same. It isn't meant to be the same, raccoonkisses, for your beloved Diva shares a moment in your earthly journey that belongs only to her. The good news is that your beloved Diva does want you to know a "new happiness" that will honor her and the eternal love bond you and your beloved Diva share.
If I may offer you some words of encouragement about your precious Tippy: If you would like to try to bring him home to stay, then gradually re-introduce him to his home with you. In his deep sorrow over the loss of his housemate he has bonded with your parents. You may try "overnight" stays with you and your husband - - or transition him over the weekends so that he can begin to become accustomed once again to you and your husband. If he does well through the readjustment then you will know he is ready to come home to stay. But only you and your husband will be able to determine what is best for your precious Tippy. Please let us know how things go.
Raccoonkisses, I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
If I may offer you some words of encouragement about your precious Tippy: If you would like to try to bring him home to stay, then gradually re-introduce him to his home with you. In his deep sorrow over the loss of his housemate he has bonded with your parents. You may try "overnight" stays with you and your husband - - or transition him over the weekends so that he can begin to become accustomed once again to you and your husband. If he does well through the readjustment then you will know he is ready to come home to stay. But only you and your husband will be able to determine what is best for your precious Tippy. Please let us know how things go.
Raccoonkisses, I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Thank you, moon_beam, for the suggestion. Yes, we will do that. Good idea. I haven't yet begun this gradual transition because a childhood friend came to visit from MN and stayed the week. So, we had Tippy over at my parents and I visited daily. This is the last day of school and I'll be off for the summer. Therefore, I'll be able to transition him a bit easier since I'll be home. I'm looking forward to having time with my furbabies for sure. But, then, I will also have a lot of time on my hands to think about what I don't have - my Diva. And, I'm actually tearing up just thinking about figuring out how to spend my time and not dwell on the pain.
It's strange, this grief process - I'm still haunted by my own words that I screamed after the accident occurred. I can hear myself screaming, "Oh my God!" and "My baby, my baby!" Also, I had no idea of the impact that my retelling of the story would have on my family. Both my sister and father have expressed that they keep seeing images of Diva lying on the road and yet they were not even there. Both of them tell me that they think of her contantly through out the day. I, too, feel like I think about her so often. Now, I'm trying to get away from the accident and remember the great times I had with her. But, I'm also conjuring her up in my mind's eye and hugging on her. I replay giving her kisses, bathing her, and hugging her. I don't want to be obsessed, but at the same time, I do not want her memory to fade. I'm worried if I don't keep thinking of her I'll forget what it was like to hug and hold her. Sigh.
For this past week I've been on a mission to scour the internet on books or blogs of others who have communicated with their companions after they've passed. Even though I have had a few experiences, it doesn't seem enough to convince me that I'll see her again. I know it's faith, but I need answers; answers to the unanswerable. Where do they go? Will I see them again? Why do I feel her presence sometimes - smell her. Is she here and I just don't see her? Why not?! I feel like a crazy person. I even have looked into contacting an animal communicator. I did this once with horrible results. And here I am looking again!
It's strange, this grief process - I'm still haunted by my own words that I screamed after the accident occurred. I can hear myself screaming, "Oh my God!" and "My baby, my baby!" Also, I had no idea of the impact that my retelling of the story would have on my family. Both my sister and father have expressed that they keep seeing images of Diva lying on the road and yet they were not even there. Both of them tell me that they think of her contantly through out the day. I, too, feel like I think about her so often. Now, I'm trying to get away from the accident and remember the great times I had with her. But, I'm also conjuring her up in my mind's eye and hugging on her. I replay giving her kisses, bathing her, and hugging her. I don't want to be obsessed, but at the same time, I do not want her memory to fade. I'm worried if I don't keep thinking of her I'll forget what it was like to hug and hold her. Sigh.
For this past week I've been on a mission to scour the internet on books or blogs of others who have communicated with their companions after they've passed. Even though I have had a few experiences, it doesn't seem enough to convince me that I'll see her again. I know it's faith, but I need answers; answers to the unanswerable. Where do they go? Will I see them again? Why do I feel her presence sometimes - smell her. Is she here and I just don't see her? Why not?! I feel like a crazy person. I even have looked into contacting an animal communicator. I did this once with horrible results. And here I am looking again!
Hi, Angel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I'm worried if I don't keep thinking of her I'll forget what it was like to hug and hold her." You are not alone in fearing that you will someday "forget" your beloved Diva - - but I promise you this will NEVER happen. Nothing in heaven or on earth can ever make you forget your beloved Diva and all the many treasured memories you share with her - - including what it was like to hold and hug your beloved girl during her earthly journey with you. Even now - - after many decades have passed for me, I can still recall my little William Ferocious - - named for his bravery - - and what it was like as a little girl having tea parties with him which he thoroughly enjoyed the cheese and crackers, and the sorrow that can still fill my heart finding his lifeless physical body on Thanksgiving Day. After awhile two little kittens showed up on our doorstep and we named them Rocky and Snowball - - that my parents gave away against my protests because they were "too mischievous." I have never forgotten these two little companions who were with us for only a few days.
So I promise you, Angel, you will ALWAYS have your beloved Diva close to you in your heart and memories regardless of how much time passes on your continued earthly journey. As for your quest for answers to the unanswerable, the only thing I can say is for you to remember this: Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
I hope all goes well when you begin the process of reacquainting your precious TIppy back home with you. I will look forward to sharing with you how things go.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
So I promise you, Angel, you will ALWAYS have your beloved Diva close to you in your heart and memories regardless of how much time passes on your continued earthly journey. As for your quest for answers to the unanswerable, the only thing I can say is for you to remember this: Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
I hope all goes well when you begin the process of reacquainting your precious TIppy back home with you. I will look forward to sharing with you how things go.
I hope today is treating you, your precious Chloe, Oscar, Abraham, and Tippy kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Diva's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
QUOTE (raccoonkisses @ May 10 2013, 09:51 PM) 
I don�t even know where to begin � I haven�t been myself going from comatose, to crying, sobbing, back to feeling as though I�m just going through the motions of life. I know now that the �stages of grief� posted on websites are nowhere near linear. I go in and out of the stages, back and forth, back and forth. One moment I think I�m finally accepting my baby is gone, only moments later to break down and sob asking God why he took her from me. At other times, I�m in utter disbelief.
I had no idea the pain of losing my Diva dog, a Pomeranian/Border Collie mix, to a preventable tragic death would gouge my heart so deeply. I have lost several pets over the years to illness and old age. The most painful loss (or so I thought) was my 8 month old cat, Lily who went missing 6 years ago from our home (my sister was taking care of her) while I was out of town. She has never been found. That loss was sometimes hopeful when someone would call with a (false) sighting only to be punctuated with grief � such a roller coaster of emotions. But, now a pain that knows no boundaries has taken hold of me.
Over four years ago a long time family friend was passing through our town on her way to make it to her new home of Victoria, Texas. That very day she had picked up a small, cute as a button dog she had named Diva � a six month old Pomeranian Mix from the Amarillo Shelter. Everybody wanted to hold the puppy that day, a few days before Christmas. Family friends took several pictures with her. I remember having jealous feelings and thinking, �Stop taking pictures with MY dog�. I know that sounds crazy. I mean she wasn�t even mine. Besides, I was a cat person, had two of them, and lived alone. Besides, I have never owned a dog already nearing 40. Well, ok, we did have a dog when I was in the first grade, but I do not have a lot of memories of her. After my parents gave her up, we were strictly a cat family. It took years until my parents revealed that an anonymous neighbor was placing death threats in their mailbox about our barking dog.
Anyway, I told my friend that if she ever didn�t want her anymore or couldn�t take care of her that I�d take her. How rude right? I mean, she had just gotten the dog that day. I don�t know I just felt like she was mine even before she was mine. One year later I got a call asking if I�d take her. Apparently, there were a lot of speeding cars on their rural road and also the dog kept trying to herd the horses. My friend was concerned for her safety. I picked Diva up on Valentine�s Day in 2009 � one of the best days of my life.
Diva became part of the family fast. My father called that night and asked how his �granddaughter� was. Yes, he used those words. My cat-loving father asked how she was � I was thrilled. Diva fell into my routines as she went trail running with me, made trips to Starbucks, took long walks with me, had doggie play dates with friends where we hiked and swam. She even went primitive camping with me for the first time last year (it was a first for both of us). She went to Grandma and Grandpa�s every Thursday to Friday and stayed the night�I was her mother, she was my daughter. We were sisters and yet we were friends. I have no regrets for the four years she lived with me. I told her every day I loved her. I kissed her every morning, every afternoon, every night.
If it hadn�t been for her I wouldn�t have met a single neighbor. I had lived there on my block for a year and knew no one until she came into my life. I�d walk her and she would run up neighbors and say hello by giving them �kisses�. Neighbors would stop watering the their lawn, take a respite in their conversations with one another, stop their smoke break , just stop whatever they were doing just to say hello back to her. She was always there for me. Her heart was big never once becoming jealous even when I married my boyfriend who then moved in, then a new dog, a new cat, and finally her grandpa got a dog (after 60 years!). She was a lover and everyone loved her: neighbors, friends, strangers, and people at the dog park�people always said she was so perfect. She was just that. Absolutely perfect.
My only regret falls on that horrible day � April 23rd, 2013 � three days after my birthday. A routine walk turned tragic. I am to blame for what came next. I had come home. The dogs were unusually hyper. Maggie, my dad�s Chug was staying with us for a few nights with my parents being out of town. My other dog, Tippy (also a Chug) was just as antsy. We had gotten him to be Diva�s companion a year ago. Turns out that Tippy wasn�t Diva�s companion, but she was his.
He LOVED her and wanted always to be close to her. I fed the dogs and was ready to take them on their walk. We got outside and the dogs quickly started off without me. Maggie was leashed but the other two were not. They were used to walking beside me toward the cul-de-sac that led to a trail that then led to an unused overgrown park with lots of room for us to roam. It was a walk that Diva had taken twice a day for four years. I trusted her wholly, not so much her brother, however. I had treats just in case he didn�t obey my commands. She on the other hand, always obeyed me and walked by my side.
You already know where this story is going I�m sure. Yes, I do take responsibility for my naivet�. I wish I had known then what I know now � that dogs, no matter how trained and cooperative, can be impulsive. It was strange, though. She eyed an open fence gate across the street and made a stance like she was going to bolt. That was so out of character for her. I said, �Leave it�. She left it, looked at me and continued walking by my side. A few moments later I heard this UPS truck barreling toward us � he was coming so fast the whole street shook. She started barking as did her brother. I said, �Come�. She didn�t. She took off running up ahead on the sidewalk. Maggie stopped in her tracks. I turned around to see why Maggie had stopped and then turned around to see the back wheels of truck going over something. My heart sank.
I knew it was one of the dogs. Then I turned and saw Tippy still on the sidewalk. The ugly truth revealed itself. Diva had been run over. Maggie still wouldn�t budge so I unhooked her to run to Diva�s side. Tippy ran over, too. He sniffed her then ran off down the street toward home. Diva was gone. Just seconds � yes, seconds ago she was with me. Her spirit had left. I can�t describe it. I mean her very spirit was gone. I was emotionally crushed looking down at my daughter � knees buckling, wailing, �God forgive me. Please God forgive me!�
The UPS driver did a quick U-turn in the cul-de-sac, jumped out and said he was sorry saying that he never saw her. Scary.
I don�t know why I need to know the details that I missed. How did she get from the right hand side- walk to the left hand side of the street? How does a dog lose her life at the end of a cul-de-sac? Yes, at the very end. The images of what I saw (I�ll spare you the details) haunt me. They come into my brain at random times and I must suppress the urge to cry. Nightmares have plagued me nightly.
The next day I went searching for something of hers. I plucked hairs from her bed and placed them in a plastic bag. I even went searching in the backyard for her poop, just to be close to her again. I never found any. I have her collar, although washed, bear stains of her blood. I am comforted and yet repulsed by the sight of it. It is now in a plastic bag in a drawer.
I had one good dream where I was holding her on my lap. She was facing away from me donning the cute spring haircut she had gotten weeks before. She then morphed into my cat, Boo, a cat I had from the age of nine until I was 27. Then another metamorphism � she turned into Bracky, a cat my mother brought home when I was two. She lived with us for 20 years. Those two cats are the only two who have ever come through in dreams. None of the others have � not even Lily.
So where do I go from here? I feel cheated out of time. Diva was one month from her 6th birthday. Yes, I�m responsible for her death and yet this tragedy seems so surreal -it was a walk that we�d taken twice a day for over four years. Incredibly I got a call left on my voice mail from my friend, Diva�s original owner. I say incredible since she has excommunicated herself from our family over politics. I say incredible since he said she was sorry over Diva�s death and that I was a wonderful mommy to Diva. It was her that gave her to me for safe- keeping, safe- keeping from speeding cars. And now, she has another dog that she wants to give me�I have yet to return her call.
Tippy has been depressed sitting in the window, looking for Diva. It has been two weeks and he refuses to play. My husband had to hand feed him the other day so he would eat. He refuses his walks and his treats. I�ve taken him to my parents to play with Maggie, but my parents said he just sits there, too, and stares out the window. He does, however, go for walks at their house. He shakes and stops when a UPS truck rolls by. My heart is breaking for myself and for him. Where do we go from here?
I had no idea the pain of losing my Diva dog, a Pomeranian/Border Collie mix, to a preventable tragic death would gouge my heart so deeply. I have lost several pets over the years to illness and old age. The most painful loss (or so I thought) was my 8 month old cat, Lily who went missing 6 years ago from our home (my sister was taking care of her) while I was out of town. She has never been found. That loss was sometimes hopeful when someone would call with a (false) sighting only to be punctuated with grief � such a roller coaster of emotions. But, now a pain that knows no boundaries has taken hold of me.
Over four years ago a long time family friend was passing through our town on her way to make it to her new home of Victoria, Texas. That very day she had picked up a small, cute as a button dog she had named Diva � a six month old Pomeranian Mix from the Amarillo Shelter. Everybody wanted to hold the puppy that day, a few days before Christmas. Family friends took several pictures with her. I remember having jealous feelings and thinking, �Stop taking pictures with MY dog�. I know that sounds crazy. I mean she wasn�t even mine. Besides, I was a cat person, had two of them, and lived alone. Besides, I have never owned a dog already nearing 40. Well, ok, we did have a dog when I was in the first grade, but I do not have a lot of memories of her. After my parents gave her up, we were strictly a cat family. It took years until my parents revealed that an anonymous neighbor was placing death threats in their mailbox about our barking dog.
Anyway, I told my friend that if she ever didn�t want her anymore or couldn�t take care of her that I�d take her. How rude right? I mean, she had just gotten the dog that day. I don�t know I just felt like she was mine even before she was mine. One year later I got a call asking if I�d take her. Apparently, there were a lot of speeding cars on their rural road and also the dog kept trying to herd the horses. My friend was concerned for her safety. I picked Diva up on Valentine�s Day in 2009 � one of the best days of my life.
Diva became part of the family fast. My father called that night and asked how his �granddaughter� was. Yes, he used those words. My cat-loving father asked how she was � I was thrilled. Diva fell into my routines as she went trail running with me, made trips to Starbucks, took long walks with me, had doggie play dates with friends where we hiked and swam. She even went primitive camping with me for the first time last year (it was a first for both of us). She went to Grandma and Grandpa�s every Thursday to Friday and stayed the night�I was her mother, she was my daughter. We were sisters and yet we were friends. I have no regrets for the four years she lived with me. I told her every day I loved her. I kissed her every morning, every afternoon, every night.
If it hadn�t been for her I wouldn�t have met a single neighbor. I had lived there on my block for a year and knew no one until she came into my life. I�d walk her and she would run up neighbors and say hello by giving them �kisses�. Neighbors would stop watering the their lawn, take a respite in their conversations with one another, stop their smoke break , just stop whatever they were doing just to say hello back to her. She was always there for me. Her heart was big never once becoming jealous even when I married my boyfriend who then moved in, then a new dog, a new cat, and finally her grandpa got a dog (after 60 years!). She was a lover and everyone loved her: neighbors, friends, strangers, and people at the dog park�people always said she was so perfect. She was just that. Absolutely perfect.
My only regret falls on that horrible day � April 23rd, 2013 � three days after my birthday. A routine walk turned tragic. I am to blame for what came next. I had come home. The dogs were unusually hyper. Maggie, my dad�s Chug was staying with us for a few nights with my parents being out of town. My other dog, Tippy (also a Chug) was just as antsy. We had gotten him to be Diva�s companion a year ago. Turns out that Tippy wasn�t Diva�s companion, but she was his.
He LOVED her and wanted always to be close to her. I fed the dogs and was ready to take them on their walk. We got outside and the dogs quickly started off without me. Maggie was leashed but the other two were not. They were used to walking beside me toward the cul-de-sac that led to a trail that then led to an unused overgrown park with lots of room for us to roam. It was a walk that Diva had taken twice a day for four years. I trusted her wholly, not so much her brother, however. I had treats just in case he didn�t obey my commands. She on the other hand, always obeyed me and walked by my side.
You already know where this story is going I�m sure. Yes, I do take responsibility for my naivet�. I wish I had known then what I know now � that dogs, no matter how trained and cooperative, can be impulsive. It was strange, though. She eyed an open fence gate across the street and made a stance like she was going to bolt. That was so out of character for her. I said, �Leave it�. She left it, looked at me and continued walking by my side. A few moments later I heard this UPS truck barreling toward us � he was coming so fast the whole street shook. She started barking as did her brother. I said, �Come�. She didn�t. She took off running up ahead on the sidewalk. Maggie stopped in her tracks. I turned around to see why Maggie had stopped and then turned around to see the back wheels of truck going over something. My heart sank.
I knew it was one of the dogs. Then I turned and saw Tippy still on the sidewalk. The ugly truth revealed itself. Diva had been run over. Maggie still wouldn�t budge so I unhooked her to run to Diva�s side. Tippy ran over, too. He sniffed her then ran off down the street toward home. Diva was gone. Just seconds � yes, seconds ago she was with me. Her spirit had left. I can�t describe it. I mean her very spirit was gone. I was emotionally crushed looking down at my daughter � knees buckling, wailing, �God forgive me. Please God forgive me!�
The UPS driver did a quick U-turn in the cul-de-sac, jumped out and said he was sorry saying that he never saw her. Scary.
I don�t know why I need to know the details that I missed. How did she get from the right hand side- walk to the left hand side of the street? How does a dog lose her life at the end of a cul-de-sac? Yes, at the very end. The images of what I saw (I�ll spare you the details) haunt me. They come into my brain at random times and I must suppress the urge to cry. Nightmares have plagued me nightly.
The next day I went searching for something of hers. I plucked hairs from her bed and placed them in a plastic bag. I even went searching in the backyard for her poop, just to be close to her again. I never found any. I have her collar, although washed, bear stains of her blood. I am comforted and yet repulsed by the sight of it. It is now in a plastic bag in a drawer.
I had one good dream where I was holding her on my lap. She was facing away from me donning the cute spring haircut she had gotten weeks before. She then morphed into my cat, Boo, a cat I had from the age of nine until I was 27. Then another metamorphism � she turned into Bracky, a cat my mother brought home when I was two. She lived with us for 20 years. Those two cats are the only two who have ever come through in dreams. None of the others have � not even Lily.
So where do I go from here? I feel cheated out of time. Diva was one month from her 6th birthday. Yes, I�m responsible for her death and yet this tragedy seems so surreal -it was a walk that we�d taken twice a day for over four years. Incredibly I got a call left on my voice mail from my friend, Diva�s original owner. I say incredible since she has excommunicated herself from our family over politics. I say incredible since he said she was sorry over Diva�s death and that I was a wonderful mommy to Diva. It was her that gave her to me for safe- keeping, safe- keeping from speeding cars. And now, she has another dog that she wants to give me�I have yet to return her call.
Tippy has been depressed sitting in the window, looking for Diva. It has been two weeks and he refuses to play. My husband had to hand feed him the other day so he would eat. He refuses his walks and his treats. I�ve taken him to my parents to play with Maggie, but my parents said he just sits there, too, and stares out the window. He does, however, go for walks at their house. He shakes and stops when a UPS truck rolls by. My heart is breaking for myself and for him. Where do we go from here?
I am going through that now. I lost my English bulldog to an accidental drowning. I almost drowned trying to save her. A fisherman through me a rope and pulled me out but it was too late for my girl. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I keep having flashbacks and reliving it. I went to the doctor and they gave medication to cope. It's different pain to lose a pet to an accident bc I would tell her everyday that momma will not let anything happen to her when she was scared of the vacuum etc. I would pet her and tell that I would always protect her. The pain is different than losing a pet to illness or old age. Sometimes the grief literally takes my breath away. I am in shock and can't believe this has happened to me. I live alone and she was my only companion.
Oh Critty900, I am SO sorry about this !! I will write to you tomorrow or later tonight! How are you doing? Do you have supportive people nearby?
More sooooon.
Kathy
More sooooon.
Kathy
QUOTE (Critty900 @ Aug 22 2017, 09:13 PM)
I am going through that now. I lost my English bulldog to an accidental drowning. I almost drowned trying to save her. A fisherman through me a rope and pulled me out but it was too late for my girl. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I keep having flashbacks and reliving it. I went to the doctor and they gave medication to cope. It's different pain to lose a pet to an accident bc I would tell her everyday that momma will not let anything happen to her when she was scared of the vacuum etc. I would pet her and tell that I would always protect her. The pain is different than losing a pet to illness or old age. Sometimes the grief literally takes my breath away. I am in shock and can't believe this has happened to me. I live alone and she was my only companion.
Critty900,
I am so very sorry about the physical loss of your precious dog! There is nothing like this kind of pain, and as you said, it's even worse through a tragic accident. I am imagining how horrifying this must have been.
I am really glad you found this site. We are here to comfort and reassure you.
She is there with you. She just doesn't have her beautiful physical form. She's a free spirit and is with you---and anywhere else she wants to be, since there are no time/space restrictions in the blissful realm she's in. And she doesn't want you feeling guilt ! This was a tragic accident. It reminds me of the story of a cat who had jumped into a top-loading washing machine ... As you can imagine, when the owner discovered this (by then it was too late), she tortured herself with guilt. Please don't do that to yourself. A quote that moon_beam (one of the moderators on this page) has shared: "One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds during a time when we are emotionally vulnerable."
If the roles had been reversed and it was you who had passed before her--especially if in a tragic accident--you wouldn't want her to suffer for a second. Any moment of happiness in her is something that would do your heart good. That is how she feels about you.Â
Would you be open to possibly being guided (by your sweet dog, and in honor of her) to some animal who needs you? Your baby would be so proud. But only if and when you feel that this would be the thing to do. I hate to think of you alone (even though, in her Spirit, your dog is right there!). Some sweet animal would be very lucky to be taken in by you and given such love.
I look forward to hearing how you are doing. In the meantime, I am sending you prayers for peace and healing.
Kathy
I am so very sorry about the physical loss of your precious dog! There is nothing like this kind of pain, and as you said, it's even worse through a tragic accident. I am imagining how horrifying this must have been.
I am really glad you found this site. We are here to comfort and reassure you.She is there with you. She just doesn't have her beautiful physical form. She's a free spirit and is with you---and anywhere else she wants to be, since there are no time/space restrictions in the blissful realm she's in. And she doesn't want you feeling guilt ! This was a tragic accident. It reminds me of the story of a cat who had jumped into a top-loading washing machine ... As you can imagine, when the owner discovered this (by then it was too late), she tortured herself with guilt. Please don't do that to yourself. A quote that moon_beam (one of the moderators on this page) has shared: "One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds during a time when we are emotionally vulnerable."
If the roles had been reversed and it was you who had passed before her--especially if in a tragic accident--you wouldn't want her to suffer for a second. Any moment of happiness in her is something that would do your heart good. That is how she feels about you.Â
Would you be open to possibly being guided (by your sweet dog, and in honor of her) to some animal who needs you? Your baby would be so proud. But only if and when you feel that this would be the thing to do. I hate to think of you alone (even though, in her Spirit, your dog is right there!). Some sweet animal would be very lucky to be taken in by you and given such love.
I look forward to hearing how you are doing. In the meantime, I am sending you prayers for peace and healing.
Kathy
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