Dear Kathy,
The loss of your Mom compounded with the loss of Farmey understandibly would bring on more grief than you could bear. Deep losses, especially when close together, can and does cause so much pain and sorrow that sometimes we need to shut ourselves off. You had much to be saddened about and still do. Coping with grief is one of the emotions that has been the very hardest for me to come to terms with. So, believe me when I say I completely understand how you feel. My heart aches for you and I am so sorry for the deep anguish you are experiencing as a result of losing 2 loved ones in such a short amount of time.
My Goliath passed away on Novemeber 6th, 2007 and I didn't find this forum til 2 months later. Over the last 18 months I have been having treatments for an illness. These treatments alone completely wore me out and it was hard for me to function as I felt sick all the time. Luckily I have a very loving husband who took over the cleaning and cooking and I had Goliath laying by my side for comfort. My brother-in-law died of brain cancer last August. Then I faced another surgery in October of 2007 and then on Novemeber 6th, 2007 my precious Goliath passed away suddenly in my arms while my husband was out of town.
Up until Goliath passed away, I had kept a very optimistic attitude and held my head high and never missed a day of work. When my Goliath left my loving arms and went with the angels, it pushed me right over the edge as I felt as though I had died too. For 2 months there was nothing anybody could say to me that made me feel alive. I was stuck in that deep dark and oh so lonely place of grief. Falling deeper and deeper into depression and not caring whether I lived or died, my days became very long and empty. Nothing had meaning for me anymore. Then one day I realized that I could not continue to exist like that.
Then, in January of this year I stumbled across this site. I was scared and lonely and desperately needed to find some way to recover from the agonizing despair that was destroying me. Very loving, compassionate, and understanding people is what I discovered. Out of the love of their losses, they helped me to begin my journey of healing. I found out quickly that the more I came here the better I was feeling. It was through the loving exchanges of replies that enabled me to start feeling alive again. Soon, I realized that Goliath left me with much more than grief when he left this world.
The beautiful memories Goliath and I made together were mine to cherish for the rest of my life. My heart and his were joined forever from the very moment we met. He taught me so much about love for all living creatures. He was the light of my life and I loved him more than I ever thought possible. Because our special connection was so strong and so real I realized that just because he passed away didn't mean that our bond could ever be broken. Not even in death. Goliath is very much alive and well and lives in my heart. One day he and I will reunite again in eternity and my love for him will last til the day after forever.
Kathy, I hope you will continue to come here where you also will find the way toward acceptance, comfort, and understanding. All of us have found our way here because we have experienced a deep and painful loss. We share and care about each others aching hearts and hold each others hands as we walk together in our journey of healing. This forum and the loving, compassionate, and understanding people here have shown me the road to a happier and healthier life. I have found inspiration and the encouragement to continue growing spiritually. Life has so much meaning for me today as I give thanks for all the love I have for those who have passed before me as well as all those I love who are still here on earth.
Each day I wake up in the morning is an opportunity for me to give thanks and make the best day possible. It is what I do with today that become my memories tomorrow.
May you be blessed and find comfort as you work through this difficult and heart breaking time of your life. Your Mom and Farmey are not alone in heaven and you are not alone here either.
Warm hugs sent with love is what I give to you from the bottom of my heart.