Death And Dying Pet Support, Anyone else like this after 6 weeks? Options

[kanecutter]

Since I work from home and own a pet sitting/dog walking business, my girl was with me 24/7 for the last 9 years. I fostered her, she was a very sad soul at first, neglected abused 1st 3 yrs of life. I ended up keeping her and loved her so much I wrapped my entire life around getting her out to run for hours each day and then when she became ill last Fall, all I did was work on keeping her happy, nothing else mattered.

I had to have her euthanized a little over a month ago. I wanted to die with her. It was the worse pain I have ever gone through in my life. During the first two weeks I literally could not stay in my own skin in the house alone...had to avoid the bone chilling absence of her presence. After the third week I began trying to rebuild my business and kept distracted that way.

Has anyone ever suddenly felt like dying again six weeks later? I thought after the third week Iwas getting better and able to work - concentrate on something besides the pain and emptiness. Suddenly, this weekend, I just feel like she's gotta be here with me as before or else I cannot function again. It's like the importance of life is gone. If she is not here, I'm in a pit and nothing can ever be right. Like I tried to function thru the loss and failed. Has anyone else thought they saw the light at the end of the tunnel and then suddenly it's gone. Just a dream that I could go on living. Suddenly, 6 weeks later I cannot go on like this unless distracted by a movie or by talking to people. Thought things would get easier, but instead it's suddenly worse.

Thanks for any input.

[Flossie's Mom]

Kanecutter,

I am so sorry for the loss of your constant companion. We all react differently and for longer periods of time I think. I've had many pets over the years and lost them under varying ciecumstances. Some have been with me a long time while others short lives with me. I have reacted differently with each one I think and took longer before I could say I was "over" the loss.

One kitty in particular was a long grieving period for me. She was sort of a ferrel cat so to speak. Although we were able to get her inside, she was very fearful of being caught. Could not pick her up....she had to get on your lap on her own terms. Would only get on my lap though. She developed cancer & I promised her she would not suffer. I held on to her too long, she seemed to be improving & was fine in the morning but not when I got home. I did not get her to the vet in time and she died in my arms 1 block from the vet's office. I really struggled with that for a long, long time.

I am very sad at the passing of my Flossie who I had to put to sleep last October. I still cry and miss her a lot. However, she had a long life but not an easy time sometimes so I am comfortable that I did all I could for her while she was here and in the end I did what was in her best interests. One tough decision...... took me about 3 weeks to admit to myself I had to make an appointment and another week to do it. I knew when she bagan to have seizures about once a month that time was not on my side. She had always pulled out of whatever tried to defeat her and I was in hopes it would happen again.

I wish I had an answer for you. We all have such a different connection to the ones we have had to let go and different lifestyles so different ways to cope & distract ourselves from the empty hole that has been left. Some have pictures in a room or every room, some can't look at their things (beds, blankets,toys) for a long time, some sleep with them. Some can adopt another right away, some volunteer.

I had no intention of getting another pet as I had drained myself with care of Flossie for so long and also was so attached to her that I did not want to have another pet. I wanted time. Time to heal, time to rest and time to decide if I wanted to commit again. However, that did not happen. In May, 5 months before Flossie left us, a little dog adopted us. Then in June, my neice gave me a cat. Flossie approved of both and she was not a social butterfly by any means.

Reading the stories of many here has helped me a lot. You find that you are not alone in how you feel. Sure, you bawl till you can not even read the screen, you seem to go through your final days and moments with your own baby but I take a break to compose myself or cry harder sometimes. I try to balance these by then getting busy with whatever works for me at the time to occupy my mind for a while. Not so easy sometimes.

You did much for her and I think that makes the loss more intense. I think that is why I had a hard time with the cat & now Flossie. Both were very needy souls in different ways that required special care. They were grateful and loyal in return like your baby. She depended on you and you responded with everything you had. Now, she no longer needs you as she is at peace and taken care of so you feel lost and empty. She would not want you to feel sad. If she had been able to stay longer, I am sure she would have. She wants you to be able to go on without her as your job is done for now.

Come here often and read other threads and the journeys many have traveled before you. Tell us more about your baby and post pictures when you are able to do so.

Many hugs and healing wishes being sent your way tonight.

[sissycat]

Oh yes!!!!

It is such a rollar coaster ride. In less than 3 months will be a year for me and I still have days where I think how can I ever make it another day. We just have to. No one can predict how long our own personal grief will last and don't let anyone try and rush you! Just keep on as you have. Know there are so many of us here for you/have been in your position at some point or another.
Maybe sharing some stories or pictures may help. I also come here every Thurday just to post a special little note to my Sissycat. Even if it is one sentence or a paragraph. It seems to help me so much.

Hugs to you and your angel baby!!

[nicole'smom]

Yes, kanecutter, I know exactly how you feel. As others here have described it, it's a rollercoaster. Just when you think you've come to grips with the death of your baby, suddenly you're hit with the cold hard reality that she's really gone. And the raw, jagged pain engulfs you again. My heart goes out to you in your pain and grief for your little girl. Here at LS you'll find people who truly understand what you're going through. May you find comfort here in this painful time.

[ann]

Hi Kanecutter, Sorry for the loss of your friend. Yes the days for me are up and down too. Just when I think I've made a breakthru, BAM!.Tears again. It's been over 40 weeks for me and in that time frame I think I haven't cried maybe 3 or 4 days at the most. Every day I feel it. It takes time, lots of it. Some days I love looking at his picts and other days hate it. I started listening to music again a few weeks ago, and planning a weekend trip at the end of the month. We move on, like Sissycat saids, we have to. In time the pain subsides, but we never forget our babies, they are always with us..Hugs...Ann

[kanecutter]

Thank you for your responses. It helps soooo much. I woke up at 5:30 in the dark. The first month I use to never want to wake up.
Now I cannot sleep more than 6 hours at night before I wake up thinking about her and needing her back. I tried writing thei AM, BUT i just cry and the pain is worse. When I picked her up she was so submissive. Literally crawled, they had her in some kind of closet, looks like she was just bred, still lactating. So sad, this was the dog catcher. She was obviously a hunter's lost rabbit dog. (Beagle)
But after 9 months of being tied up under the dog catchers porch 24/7 she had become like a robot. Would not even look at me for almost a year. She was so quiet and sweet but all she lived for was to track rabbits. Lost her many days for hours, finally finding her by her little chop mouth baying on a rabbit always far away, always on a rabbit. So I joined a beagle club and took her there every day to run. It was the only tlme she seemed alive and happy. I gave her the best life for 9 years. I had her put to sleep at the first sign of her Kidney Desease getting worse, I was so afraid she would suffer. She had been off normal food for 3 months. I would give her whatever she would eat. Usually some roast beef, next day liver & bacon, next day hot dogs, what ever she would eat which was not much. I knew the protein only diet would destroy her kidneys faster, but she would not eat anything else.

She would only eat something AFTER she went out in the deep snow to track "mice" No more rabbits, I was afraid she was too weak and would crawl under a briar some day and die there. So we did mice up until the day I had her put down. She was losing weight faster and sometimes trembling (pain sign) but she still wanted to track and dig through the ice and snow for those mice for hours.
It was hard to know she was in any pain when she acted so normal outside when on a scent like that.
She died in February. her last months were so cold and icy outside. It was so warm yesterday...maybe I should havewaitied for the warm weather. Maybe she would have done better without the 10 degree temps and all the snow. Thank you for listening, I will feel better if I can talk about her but there is no one in my life that Ican talk to about her. I live alone and I am so glad to have this forum to help me.

[goliath]

Has anyone ever suddenly felt like dying again six weeks later? I thought after the third week Iwas getting better and able to work - concentrate on something besides the pain and emptiness. Suddenly, this weekend, I just feel like she's gotta be here with me as before or else I cannot function again. It's like the importance of life is gone. If she is not here, I'm in a pit and nothing can ever be right. Like I tried to function thru the loss and failed. Has anyone else thought they saw the light at the end of the tunnel and then suddenly it's gone. Just a dream that I could go on living. Suddenly, 6 weeks later I cannot go on like this unless distracted by a movie or by talking to people. Thought things would get easier, but instead it's suddenly worse.

I am so sorry about the passing of your precious little girl. Trying to find a way to go on for most of us has been more than difficult. Even when grief begins to subside somewhat..... suddenly we can and do find ourselves drowning in tears when we least expect it. The pain of missing them and wanting them back at our side becomes overwhelming.

Though all that come here have suffered a great loss that has thrown them beyond grief, each person processes their loss in very personal ways. For me, the first couple of months were unbearable. Going through each day was more like auto-pilot. The first couple of weeks after my Goliath passed away I was just numb in disbelief. The only thing that made sense to me at all was that I must have died too, except that I must have gone to Hell. Each day I fell deeper and deeper into a bog of depression and kept all my friends and family away from me. Quite honestly, I didn't want to continue living without my baby boy. During the following weeks reality began to seep in that he really was gone and was not coming back.......at least in the physical sense. Once the shock wore off, the pain and shear intensity of that deep grief got much much worse. I had begun to isolate myself, stopped eating, and just stopped talking unless I absolutely had to. My family and friends were very worried about me and made every attemp to reach out to me. Finally in Jnauary of last year, two months after Goliath's death, I realized I could not continue existing like this any longer or I was going to die. By then I also realized I had been neglecting my family, my husband, and my other dog Gidget who was suffering right along with me. All those who loved me gave me the room I needed to mourn and showered me with love. Somehow, some way, I knew I had to find my way back to the living.

One of my dearest friends suggested I find a pet loss support group or find a grief counselor. In my heart, I knew she was right and I did do something. After typing in pet loss in the search box on my computer, LS was the first to pop up. I came in feeling much like I was entering a funeral parlor and began to read others stories. My journey of healing had begun! Within a fairly short amount of time, acceptance, inspiration, hope, and a new will to survive began to grow inside of me. It was then I realized that though Goliath's body had persihed, his loving spirit had never left me and never would. Others carried me when I could not carry myself and helped show me the way down the long road of recovery. Little by little I began picking up the pieces of my broken heart along the way. To this day Goliath is my first thought of the day and my last before I fall asleep at night.

Over time, the deep gutwrenching pain began to subside.....and as it did, the wonderful memories of the life Goliath and I lived together began to take over. While Goliath was my greatest blessing, I also had many others in my life that I loved very much and I needed to show them how much I loved them too.

Your girl is still with you, around you, and kept safely in your heart. Know she will never leave you and waits until it is your time to leave this world and join her in the next. A loving bond such as yours cannot be broken either in this world nor the next for you are bound by your hearts. Trust that one day you and she will say hello again and live in eternal bliss.

Much love from my heart to yours,
Beth

[sissycat]

So glad you did find this site and it makes you feel better to write about your girl. That is one of the good things about this place. There is always someone that cares and will listen. Even if the rambling makes no sense. I don't know what I would have done without all the friendly people here.

Now--Don't ever blame yourself for making that decision for her. Animals can't actually tell us how they are feeling and if they are in pain so we have to be the judge of that. You did what a careing person/mother would do.

I bet she is at the Rainbow Bridge chasing rabbits right now!!!!!

Oh, did you mention her name yet? Or did I miss it.

Hugs to you and your Angel girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would love to hear more stories when your up to it!!

[kanecutter]

Sissycat and Beth: thank you so much for the encouragement. It really does help to have on line support. Beth, thanks for telling your story, it helps to see that I am not alone in this madness! I was beginning to really worry that I may continue to sink deeper and deeper. But there is hope that this will get better.

Sissycat, thanks for your interest in Bea's story. I will be so happy to share more.

[goliath]

But there is hope that this will get better.

Yes, there is definately hope. It takes lots of time and tears though that can't be rushed. You can only work through your grief because there is no way around it. As Sissycat said, telling stories of the times you spent with Bea will help the healing. Writing letters to Bea may be helpful for you as well and if you have pictures of her, we'd love to see them. I think for me the thing that helped the very most was coming to LS regularly. This gave me a place to come and write out all what I was going through and the more I came, the better I felt because I knew all the wonderful people here understood. We all walk this path together and lick each others wounds along the way.

Keep coming and sharing your sweet Bea with us.

Hugs of comfort and love,
Beth

[ann]

You did the right thing to let her go. I had a cat years ago that was very ill. I could not put her down. She suffered for 3mo until she died in the house. I have never forgiven myself for that. What was I thinking, she was 18yrs old. I vowed never to let another suffer like that again. Even still, we beat ourselves up that we let them go too soon. I heard recently on t.v. regarding a sick dog, that meds only mask the problem; the desease remains. So true when you think about it.
You gave your sweetie a great life, be proud of that. Hugs..Ann

[AngelCareOne]

Since I work from home and own a pet sitting/dog walking business, my girl was with me 24/7 for the last 9 years. I fostered her, she was a very sad soul at first, neglected abused 1st 3 yrs of life. I ended up keeping her and loved her so much I wrapped my entire life around getting her out to run for hours each day and then when she became ill last Fall, all I did was work on keeping her happy, nothing else mattered.

I had to have her euthanized a little over a month ago. I wanted to die with her. It was the worse pain I have ever gone through in my life. During the first two weeks I literally could not stay in my own skin in the house alone...had to avoid the bone chilling absence of her presence. After the third week I began trying to rebuild my business and kept distracted that way.

Has anyone ever suddenly felt like dying again six weeks later? I thought after the third week Iwas getting better and able to work - concentrate on something besides the pain and emptiness. Suddenly, this weekend, I just feel like she's gotta be here with me as before or else I cannot function again. It's like the importance of life is gone. If she is not here, I'm in a pit and nothing can ever be right. Like I tried to function thru the loss and failed. Has anyone else thought they saw the light at the end of the tunnel and then suddenly it's gone. Just a dream that I could go on living. Suddenly, 6 weeks later I cannot go on like this unless distracted by a movie or by talking to people. Thought things would get easier, but instead it's suddenly worse.

Thanks for any input.

kanecutter, i know exactly how u feel, dear one! plz hang in there. sending u many loving angels!

biggggg comforting hugs!!!

always, angel xoxoxox

[kanecutter]

Sisycat & Beth (& all)

I think I have been pushing way the thoughts of Bea because I cannot bear the pain. Still cannot look at her picture...the one time I tried I was haunted for a full week. I mean it was contantly in my mind and the pain was like I died with her and cannot go on.

So it's not good to push it way, so I thought I'd try to write about her here. She was a rabbit dog (hunting beagle, obviously trained and bred to run rabbits) the dog catcher that took her had her tied up under the porch for 9 months 24/7. No wonder the only thing in this world that she was afraid of was flys. She was 3 yrs old when I drove out to pick her up for the organization "Save a Dog" She was such a tiny beagle. And very beautiful. She had those eyes that look like she was wearing eyeliner all the time. but she was emotionally scarred. She only came alive when on a rabbit scent. That was all she knew. The rest of the time she sat quietly and never even walked around the house. Very sad soul. It took a year to get her out of that shell enough to even look me in the eyes.

I gave her all the freedom to run but it was so risky. I had to find her every day in the woods or wait for her to return. But I waited and did it every day. Then I found Beagle clubs where she could run rabbits safely. (Or relatively safely) And those next 7 years I was obsessed with getting her out to run rabbits even though it was still scary because I had to follow her so as not to lose track of her.

that's been my life, Bea and running. Did a lot of work for each beagle club to keep membership. Because of her sad personality I put this daily 4 hour activity ahead of everything else in life. Now she's gone and I've already lost everything else. So it's like I died with her.....wish I could have.

I have turned to Jesus ever since and that is where my help is. But poor little BEa. You've got to see her picture. but first I've got to get up the strength to look at it in order to send it.

She was only 11 years old when I had her put to sleep. I still can't believe she is gone and it's been almost 2 months.

Thanks for listening.

And for being here.

[AngelCareOne]

dearest kanecutter, plz excuse cuz i am typing with one finger on one hand. k? thnx. i do want to share after reading ur last post that i really do know exactly how ur feeling. honest and for true. here, i will copy and paste just a snippet from my very first post i made here at LS so you will see, dear one.

<<snippet>>

"Won't you look down upon me, Jesus? Will you help me make a stand and just get me through another day? Yes, my body's aching and my time is at hand so I don't know how I'll make it any other way. You know I've seen fire and rain and sunny days that I thought would never end." Even though I'm alone, I've never in my life felt lonely until I lost you, Sweet Alex. I miss you so much!

You're the very best friend I've ever had both human and animal. I can still remember our simple conversations, your funny, mischievous little pranks, your laughter and your tears. I remember the last words you said to me over and over again as you kissed me loudly, "I Love You! I Love You! I Love You!" Alex, I Love You, Too!

I just always thought I'd see you at least one more time again ...

Please click below for video.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-T35WXFOmwI

<<end snippet>>

kanecutter, in case u can not see videos, that is james taylor singing the song "fire and rain." you can google the lyrics at www.google.com if you've not heard the song before. it fits u so well, too.

plz keep coming back and talk as often as u are able. the more the better. it's by caring and sharing that we help each other through
this most gosh awful terrible devastating time. u are in my thoughts and prayers as i wing many more loving angels to u asap!

biggggg comforting hugs!!!

always,
dottie xoxoxox

ps. kanecutter, plz check these out, too. they are in the Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles area here at LS but i will give you direct links so u don't have to hunt them down. i hope and pray with all my heart that u find the comfort you need and so richly deserve as well as somehow to begin to find ways of coping ...

Your Fur Child Loss Devastation - You Are Not Going Insane - Emotions and Behavior Caused By Pet Loss

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4893

'Light a Candle' Online - It Is Free - Please Read And I Send Love To All

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4662

How To Heal When You Have Lost A Pet - Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Healing Sessions

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4814

more love and big hugs!!!!!

[sissycat]

Love the story of your Bea!! I'm glad you had the time spend with her.

I know how painful it is to come here when everything is fresh. I cried so much while typing sometimes I had to stop for a few. Typing it out and crying was part of my healing. I still cry sometimes when i'm on here-just not as often. Now most of the times when I look at Sissycats pictures I can think of all the good times we did get to share instead of all the tears. Thankful for the time we did have. One day you will be able to also, just don't rush yourself.

Anytime you think of a story or some little habbit she had we are here to listen.

We make it one day at a time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kanecutter]

Angelcare,

Yes, I know those lyrics well! I remember James Taylor singing that song when I was young and those lyrics always touched my heart. AND, when I just read them in your post I just cried and am still crying. Because, yes, you do totally understand. Remembering those lyrics now just rip me apart, it is exactly what I feel and keep trying to push it away because I cannot stand the pain.

How does one stand it? I need to see her again. I cannot believe I had her put down. It's like the last 10 years with her was not real and where am I now? What am I now? It's like a reality now that I am avoiding on a daily basis.

But she lived two months without eating normally. I mean, each day was a major project getting her to eat something. I cooked chicken, liver & bacon, some days she would eat roast beef, then would not touch it. Then I'd look for something else she would eat, just to get something into her each day for two months. She got weak and thin, yet up until the last day she would still track a mouse in snow so deep it was over her head, and freezing temperatures under 20 degrees....she would burrow through the snow track a mouse until she found the spot and then dig through the snow and ice and ground until she got it. I would have put her to sleep sooner if it wasn't for the way she acted out there....like she was fine and strong and happy. But indoors she went back to acting so lethargic and would not eat and sometimes shivered as in pain. So I finally decided it was time. I just don't know if it really was or not.

I am such a mess right now.


Thanks for listening....again.

Godd Bless,

Paula/Kanecutter P.S. She had Kidney Disease, GN which began to progress to CRF. I don't know if I should have waited a bit longer. I had injured my spine and could not walk at the time. Maybe if I was healthy I would have waited to see...

[kanecutter]

Angelcare....the tapping healing sessions sound interesting but I cannot get the sounds on my computer. So, did not get to see anything about it.

but all the other links..........I just read them all. VERY HELPFUL.

Thank you again,

Paula

[AngelCareOne]

{{{{{Paula}}}}} I am so glad that I was able to be of some assistance. I can hear you weep and feel your heart breaking. At this point in your grieving, many times there is little to nothing one can say or do to comfort you and assure you that you did indeed do the right thing. It may or may not help you to know I've been in Animal Rescue and Rehabilitation for over 30 years now as well being a retired nurse of 27 plus years in the human medical field ...

You did indeed do the right thing, dear one. You most certainly did. No, it could not have waited a moment longer as I read all you've stated about her illnesses. And, look at all you did to make her life so very wonderful! Look at all you did way above and beyond to extend her life when you yourself had a spinal injury and couldn't get around.

You are a Wonderful fur kid Mom!!! Please never forget that.

Paula, you miss her so much at this pont in time that you literally forget to breathe, cannot eat nor sleep, more, more, more. I myself experienced (and still do at times) much of what I read that you are going through. Honest and for true. Please know she is at peace now. No more pain or fears and you will see her again that one sweet day. You betcha. I can only share how I cope at this point in time and pray that it's of some help to you, too ...

Memories you have expressed in your posts appear mostly to be those of the "end times" which is far too unbearable for any loving Mom such as yourself especially when the happy memories only serve as such hurtful reminders right now ...

I realize this regarding my own loss so this is what I do: I take any and all memories, put them in a box, put that box way up high on a shelf back in the corner of my mind for safe keeping. As time passes, I reach for that box in my mind, open it up to see if I'm able to deal with either the wonderful or the not so good. If I find I cannot deal with any part of my loss yet, then back go all memories into that closed box high up in that corner of my mind until I'm ready to try again ...

This method does not work for many people and probably is not a very good thing to do. True. It only puts off for another day, week or month that pain with which you ultimately must face and deal with in order to find a healing path. Still, this has helped me so much with my given circumstances which are different from yours.

Here's something I do know for certain that does help: Keep coming back here. Talk as much as you're able and as often as you can. Share your tears and fears. Speak directly to your fur kid if you wish. Continue to read in the "Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles" area here at LS. Most of the time until you're feeling more able to cope, it will be so very difficult for you to see your PC monitor and key pad through your tears. Don't stop, Paula. Never stop. Give yourself all the time in the world you need to grieve ...

Someday, you'll feel so surprised as your pain begins to lift and you're able to hear cheerful birds sing their sweet melodies once again.

Winging more loving Angels to you for Peace!!!

Big Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[goliath]

How does one stand it? I need to see her again. I cannot believe I had her put down. It's like the last 10 years with her was not real and where am I now? What am I now? It's like a reality now that I am avoiding on a daily basis.

Dear Paula,

I can relate to what you are going through right now only too well. When Goliath passed away so suddenly, I thought for sure I had been trapped in some kind of horrible nightmare and would never wake up again. Time stood still and it seemed impossible that my world would ever begin to revolve ever again. Never in my life had I endured such a deep guttural kind of pain, even after losing both of my parents when I was in my 20's. Talk about avoidance Paula........I crawled into a shell and tried to forget about everything in my life........pushing away everybody else who loved me. At the time Goliath passed away, I was on a 10 week medical leave from work and had lost concept of time or reality not knowing or caring whether it was day or night. All I did know was that the most important living creature in my life was no longer there to jumpstart my heart every morning and wasn't there for me to fall asleep with at night. He was the curve of my smile, the twinkle in my eyes, and the beat of my heart.

A time did come when I finally found something to occupy my mind that actually worked. Believe it or not, I started baking. My hubby and I bake everything from cookies, pies, cakes, candy......you name it we made it. Our friends and neighbors became the recipients of lots of goodies. If we weren't baking, I found myself right back into the obsessing those last few minutes of Goliath's life. And again, would tell myself I will never ever recover from this. Back to the kitchen!

Much to my surprise acceptance of Goliath's death did come which opened another door for me to explore. Once I began telling stories about Goliath and sharing pictures, my heavy heart became just a little lighter with each day that came. Soon after I found hope and faith that somehow I would recover enough to find my way back to a healthy and happy kind of life. Of course my life could never be the same. But there were many other aspects of my life that I knew deep in my heart also brought me joy. Life is good today and though I will always cherish the past and dream of tomorrow.......it is today that I live for.

Bless Bea and all the years of happiness she brought into your life. That special friendship built with love and devotion enriched your life so much. Not everybody in this world has the privilege of ever knowing such a love as yours and never will. Bea is with you, around you, and within you. Trust that her loving spirit is very much alive and will always walk with you. Let Bea's sunshine radiate in everything you see......everything you touch and everything you hear. Wear her aura and share the warmth her sunshine brings.

Much love with many hugs of comfort,
Beth