Winston

What can I say. I wrote for the past half hour going over every little detail of Winston's last few days with us, but in the end it comes down to me feeling like I quit on him. In my head I know he was a very sick boy. He was a 14 year old Tabby. A recent ultrasound showed he had heart disease and a panreatic tumor. Both conditions are very bad news, but with the help of our vet, the heart condition could be managed and as for the tumor, we would just wait and see.
We had one wonderful week with Winston after the tests. He was on meds, was eating and drinking well and was even playing with his toys. Then on Monday morning (3am) I found him unable to walk normally. For the rest of Monday, he wasn't interested in food or water and just laid on the couch with my husband and me taking turns sitting with him and stroking him. I tried to comfort him, and all the time wondering if this would be when I had to decide to have him put down. I didn't think about making him well, I only thought about ending his life. Yesterday morning we took him to the vets and had him put down.
I feel sick with greif and guilt. Why didn't I ask for treatment, instead I asked for ending his life. Why didn't I take him to the vet sooner, why did I only consider his death. Friends and family have told me we did the very best we could, having Winston survive with his condition through a few very bad episodes proved that we did our best. But that's my concern, he pulled through some very bad episodes before, why not this time. Why didn't I try harder, do more.
I feel like I gave up on him. All I can see is his little face and I miss him so much.

Winston's mom