The day I've dreaded for so long has come.
Our wonderful baby Bruno passed away today after 13 years and 1 month with us.

It was on June 18, 2002. My partner Larry found him, a 2 month old Maltese, at a local petshop. He was looking for a present for my birthday which was a month away, but when he set sight on this little beuatiful angel he knew he had to bring him home that very day. We named him Bruno, a tough guy name, and since then, Bruno became a constant fixture in our little home and was loved immensely and returned that love to us. If you see one of my previous posts, written in 2007, you'll know I had another Maltese back in Korea, named Hani. Knowing that I was missing her terribly, Larry decided to get me a Maltese. And I just loved him so so very much. Such a beautiful face, mini-tough guy attitude... I just loved everything about him.
Hani passed away in March 2007, just past her 13th birthday. As Bruno aged, I always was aware he was reaching that age 13 fast.

Bruno needed knee surgery on both hind legs when he was 2-3 years old. After that he had no health issues whatsoever until 2010 when he started having trachea problem which was supposed to be very common in small breeds. Trachea problem has been kept under control with continuous medication. Two years ago, while I was out of job for four months, he got diagnosed with the enlarged heart. This has also been more or less kept under control with 3 different kinds of medication.
We've been very grateful. He just seemed to be slowing down in walking, maybe less active in some ways, and started to have hearing problems. But again, overall, we've been grateful.
We've been feeding him home made meals -- sweet potato, zucchini, chicken breast, ground beef, rice, etc., for the last year and a half or so, and he seemed to be thriving.
However, maybe a week and a half ago, it became harder to make him eat, especially his breakfast which is Larry's responsibility because he's retired. Dinner I fixed for him when I came home at night, he still ate well. It was Tuesday when I first got an absolute No from him while I was trying to make him eat his dinner. I cooked a little bowl of ground beef and he managed to eat that only. This, despite our hope, wasn't getting better, and we decided to take him to the vet.

Yesterday, Larry took him to the vet and was told that he had a very aggressive, bleeding painful tumor in his liver and had only days to live. He actually recommended that they put him to sleep right then and there because his breathing became labored as well. Larry couldn't let him do it. He had to bring him back home so we can have each other at least for another night. I would have fought the idea of putting him to sleep, but hearing that he must be in pain I couldn't say no.

Yesterday evening was lovely. Possibly thanks to the little shot or something to temporarily stop the bleeding, Bruno was close to his normal and ate some treats and was playful. However, the night was difficult. He couldn't stay put more than 3 minutes and was breathing very hard. We knew, as the vet said, his conditions were rapidly deteriorating.

Larry called the vet's office at 8:30 this morning and made an appointment for Bruno's passing for 11:40. Bruno was able to nap quite a while, looing very tired all along.

The time came and we took him to the vet. They took him out to the surgery room to put a catheter to his leg. When being taken out of the room, he was looking back at us. I will never forget those eyes. Surprisingly alert still and questioning. They took him back in the room where we were waiting. The vet put the tranquilizer first and let us stay with him for a few minutes. His muscle was relaxing and he laid down on his belly. The vet came back and processed the final shot. We could see Bruno reaching that rainbow bridge. The vet confirmed that Bruno passed away. I cried uncontrollably. Since yesterday evening, I've gone through multiple times of crying bouts. We came out of the vet's office without Bruno in our arms.

Earlier this morning, we managed to clip a little bit of his tail hair. Everywhere I look, everything reminds me of Bruno, and despite knowing for sure that this was the right decision and Bruno had a wonderfull life, I just am not confident how I will be able to get through this grief. I loved him so so much, and although I know we'll be reunited in heaven, I don't know how I will be able to keep him in beautiful memories and accept the fact that he's no longer with us physically. It's just too much and too raw.
I'm not sure if the picture was successfully uploaded. If it was, that was from yesterday evening, when he was being playful to our surprise. Still so incredibly beautiful...

I'm just so scared about this void in our life without Bruno being there as he has been the last 13 years and 1 month.
He was such a special boy and his presence was so ingrained in every facet of our life.

My heart goes out to you. I can relate to your pain so much as I had to make the same decision for my little girl, Lilly, last March and my heart is still broken when I think of her last moments. Bruno had a wonderful, wonderful life with amazing parents please try to take comfort from that and how much you loved each other. Bruno is with your beloved Hani now, but still with you in your heart and always will be. Hugs to you and blessings to beautiful Bru
no and Hani.

Dear Hani&Bruno,

I am so very sorry for the physical loss of precious Bruno. The void you and Larry must be experiencing is almost unimaginable. As Sosad has said, Bruno and Hani are together, and I hope that brings you some measure of comfort.

Would it be possible for you to adopt, in Bruno's honor, another little dog who needs a home? I realize that it might be too soon to even think about this. But if / when it is time, some little boy or girl is going to be very lucky to have you and Larry as parents.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Kathy

Thank you SoSad and Kathy for your kind words...
It was the first night without Bruno and I managed to sleep the first 3-4 hours from exhaustion, but when I woke up in the middle of the night, the fact that Bruno was not there in our bed just hit me so hard and I collapsed and cried. I have all my pictures on my laptop screensaver and more than half are of Bruno, and everytime I see his photos of early and recent years, I just can't believe he's not here.
It feels like from the moment that I learned that we'd need to let him go, which was the day before yesterday, up until a little after the moment we actually said goodbye to our beautiful baby Bruno, my feelings were all over the place, from apprehension to shock, exhaustion, etc., but they settled into the genuine sorrow that he actually left us for heaven. I just miss him so so badly and everywhere I turn, I see his places. His little gestures, eye expression, little habits, stubbornness, all his mannerisms... It's just too much. And I just keep crying.
Larry is a different kind of person, and he's experienced many more losses than I have, and his approach is more of "we've got to be strong." I tell myself that too but of course it hasn't even been a full 24 hours, and it's still just so raw.
I try to talk with my family in Korea through texts and they're all very supportive and they know how hard it is. It helps.
What I'm struggling with is whether I will ever get used to him not being here, everywhere...
I just love him and miss him so much!
The picture that I'm uploading now is of Bruno at about 3 months old. So precious...

Every weekend morning, I took him out for a little walk around the neighborhood. As he aged, the walks got shorter because from the knee surgeries when he was a baby, he had a tendency to grow arthritis and we were very cautious about him not getting too much walk. But everytime he was up for it. I put a skyblue, black or red harness on him and we walked out. It is a condo building that we live in, and there are some cats sitting on their window and everytime he saw them, Bruno kind of showed like I can get you kind of attitude.
After the short walk we'd come home, then it would be his breakfast time. I cooked his breakfast with all sorts of veggies and meat, mostly lightly fried with olive oil but some mornings in risotto style porridge. He ate well. After the meal, he always required some little treats from Larry, usually dried salmon or little bit of pupperoni. After that, he'd get some fresh water and then rest, and allowed us to do our stuff, like having coffee or fixing our own meals.
He used to like to hump Larry's leg and deep-kiss my mouth especially right after I brushed my teeth. Even yesterday morning, after the first night of real signs of struggle, he kissed me so much, sometimes pushing his tongue through my front teeth. I still can feel that.
And I still can feel how warm his body and his paws felt yesterday 2-3 minutes after the vet confirmed he'd passed.
It's so hard to accept that he's not here with us. The void is too big. We adjusted everything of our life to make it better for him. Our life revolved around him. It's so hard and I don't know if it'll ever be okay. I even said what's the point this morning to Larry, and he got frustrated. I need to learn to keep going even though this huge part of life, Bruno, left a big void. But I just don't feel motivated. Not now at least.

We trained him when he was a baby to do his potty indoors on the puppy pads and he never made an accident. In our bedroom, there is his last puppy pad and his last pee still there. I'm keeping it.
The brush we used to brush his coat has some of his hair stuck in it. I'm keeping it.
I've ordered an urn which has a threaded lid so that I can open it anytime I want and see what he's left behind in there.
It's scary and I don't know when it'll get better...

Hi, Bruno's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bruno. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Bruno's Mom, as you know so well already this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each grief adjustment journey is uniquely painful because each individual relationship we have with each of our companions is uniquely different. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that can speed up the journey or make it automatically disappear. Rather it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time allowing yourself to openly grieve all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

It is important that you try to find a way to comfort yourself when the ache of loss in your heart and arms is more than you can bear. Some of us find it helpful to hold something in our arms that belongs only to our beloved companion - - a blanket, collar, toy, - - whatever - - when the pain of not being able to hold their sweet body is overwhelming. No, it's not the same but it might be able to help you bridge both the physical and emotional pain of not being able to hold your beloved Bruno.

Indeed, when our companions come into our hearts and lives they literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels we are faced with the incredibly overwhelming painful task of re-inventing our lives to develop "new normals" that no longer includes their physical needs. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions lick / kiss us, touch / rub us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally go through a chemical withdrawal from this chemical imprint which is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so physically and emotionally painful.

Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member of friend. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that it will make their grief journey less painful. Clinical professionals recognize that suppressed grief is harmful and may eventually lead to medical problems that will need to be taken care of. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. It is important that you allow yourself the opportunities to openly grieve for your beloved Bruno as frequently as you need to even if you need to find a private place away from others to do so.

Even though your beloved Bruno is no longer physically with you, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Bruno share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bruno's, and Hani's, sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Bruno with us, and these adorable pictures of your beloved boy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bruno's and Hani's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon_beam for your beautiful words.
I really want to believe that we'll be reunited in heaven, or wherever, some day.
But even that promise just doesn't seem good enough right now to ease the pain of not having him around here.
I guess I should know there's no other way but to accept the fact that he lived a good long happy life and it was his time to move on to the next phase.
Larry says he wants to believe that Bruno has already been reincarnated into another wonderful boy and will be living another wonderful life.
Larry just went in for a shower, and I was scared to be alone out here, exposed to the painful reminders everywhere, and that's why I decided to come back to this site and write more.
When I go back to work, I don't know how I'll be functioning, how I'll be eating lunch, how I'll be productive in meetings...
Huge part of me says it's all meaningless and I just want to give up, but I'll have to be patient and try to make that part smaller each moment, each day.
I love him and miss him so much... Those beautiful little eyes always saying something... Those little paws he reluctantly allowed me to hold and rub, but only the hind ones... And that nose... He had a very tiny bald spots right above his nose which he got when we took him to our little trip to Las Vegas. We went out for about an hour or so and when we came back his nose was a little bloody because he had been rubbing his nose under the door anxiously trying to see when his parents were coming back.
As he was getting older and needing medications, we completely gave up on plane trips and only did road trips and we always took him with us. Even on vacations, we knew we had to be with him so we took him out with us when we went out for lunches and Larry went out to get takeout foods for dinner time. Just a couple of weeks ago, we went to Palm Springs and stayed in a motel room where there was a kitchen. We cooked his meals with the veggies and meat. We knew as he aged he was more and more dependent on us and we were committed to giving him all the comforts and reassurance he deserved.
Apologies to my ramblings, but I might be trying to put these memories into words here. It is comforting.
24 hours ago, Bruno was having some good resting nap. About 30 minutes later we had to carry him out to get him to the vet. It was excruciatingly painful but we knew we had to do it to help him move on to the next phase without pain.
I love him so much... and I want to hold him so much. He was always here with us, everywhere we went. I could always move a bit and reach out my hand and touch him. Now that enormous privilege is gone, and I'll have to get used to it. And it feels like an insurmountable challenge...
This is a picture taken about a month ago...

A second night without Bruno was a little better than the first, I can say, but every time the consciousness came back, it didn't take even a second to realize this new reality that Bruno is no longer here with us physically. It felt like my heart was going to burst out, feeling out of breath. I had to wake up Larry because I was scared. We held each other and he let me cry.
This morning, I sat on our patio for about two hours. It is the space in this place that Bruno spent the least amount of time, and so it was less hard. I sat there, and just let everything be. My mind was too exhausted to be thinking anything intensely. The morning air was nice and cool here in Los Angeles. And it was still quiet from 6ish to 8ish. Lots of hummingbirds came and went, while some brave ones sat on the honey water feeder and sipped. They were adorable. Some people were walking their dogs. I just let those scenes in.
A little while later Larry came out and joined me for about half an hour. We talked a little. I said something like I'll be getting porridges for lunch when I go back to work tomorrow, because eating is still very very difficult. I also said maybe we can start doing meditation together, 15-20 minutes every evening. I also said we can go out today to just sit somewhere quiet. My mind is still very weak and I find it hard to remember what went on and what I said.
Another thing Bruno used to like was rolling around on his back on the floor and sometimes letting me rub his belly and inside his thighs. What a precious little boy.
And, everytime Larry sneezed or he knew Larry was going to sneeze (allergy), he was staring up at Larry as if saying "What was that, dude?" It always made me laugh. He never did that when I sneezed. Oh, I love him and miss him so much...
I'm going back to work tomorrow, and not quite sure how I'll manage. If anyone can provide some advice, I'll be very grateful.

Hi, Bruno's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these adorable pictures of your beloved baby boy. He truly is "Mr. Personality" - - and it seems he liked having his picture taken as there doesn't appear to be any bashfulness in his poses.

I can so relate to your dreading going back to work. I remember being ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain some level of composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work. During the deep grief we are so vulnerable with little control over our emotions. My work environment was not a positive one, so if someone at work asked me if I was "okay" I simply told them that eventually I would be - - I didn't go into any extra explanations. After suppressing the sorrow while in the office, I remember all so well the floodgates of tears bursting when I got into my car to make the drive home - - gut wrenching sobbing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you will find stength and comfort to endure while you are at work.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: ". . . every time the consciousness came back, it didn't take even a second to realize this new reality that Bruno is no longer here with us physically. It felt like my heart was going to burst out, feeling out of breath. . . . I said something like I'll be getting porridges for lunch when I go back to work tomorrow, because eating is still very very difficult." Grieving is very stressful both physically and emotionally, so the symptoms of feeling out of breath, not having an appetite, no desire or interest in things that once brought enjoyment, etc., are very normal. Other symptoms may be having an inability to concentrate, insomnia, feelings of depression, etc.. As your deep grief eases you will also find the symptoms of stress easing. This just takes time, Bruno's Mom, which is why it is important that you try to keep the stress levels as low as possible until you are feeling stronger again.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Bruno's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_beam, thank you so much for your reply. I just know that I would need a lot of mini breaks at work tomorrow and the next several days. I use public transportation to commute. I usually like it but now it means I will have to suppress these sorrows longer than otherwise.
I've spent most of the afternoon on the patio with Larry, looking at the hummingbirds and mostly quiet street. That's where I feel most safe right now. We talked, checked consoling messages from friends, sobbed together.
How long will this gut wrenching sorrows last? Can you cry yourself out? I've been crying multiple times a day and it is draining, but in some ways, I feel like this is the least I can do for my beautiful Bruno in heaven. I'm not a religious person but it is so comforting to think there is this place called heaven and my Bruno is there waiting for me.
I talked about this with Larry but I feel like this huge sense of loss is partly coming from the fact that Bruno was the first little baby that I literally viewed as my child. We got Bruno when I was 34 and now I'm 48. Before that, I had other dogs when I was living with my mom and my siblings in Korea and I loved them including Hani, but there were other family members there and I didn't necessarily function as Hani's parent. But for Bruno, Larry and I were/are definitely his parents. We did everything, taking Bruno into consideration. He was/is the center of our life. That's what makes it so much harder for me. I let my child go before me. And also, I feel like this is an end of an era. I'm in the ripe middle age now compared to still young to beginning middle age with Bruno. How we will realign our life will be a big task for Larry and me. In Korea there's a saying that goes you bury your parents in the mountain but you bury your child in your heart. That's how I feel. When I cry, I keep saying my baby, my baby, oh my god... Bruno is my baby, and everywhere I look, I see his empty spots and it makes me just panic. I don't know how long this intense sorrow will last, when this stabbing pain will be a little less sharp...
Thank you again Moon_beam and everyone! I get comforts writing on this forum and hearing kind words from you...

Hi, Bruno's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You ask a universal question: when will the piercing pain of deep sorrow ease? Clinical professionals recognize that basically the first year of grieving is the hardest because it is filled with all the first withouts to endure: the first every moment of every hour of every day that holds a special reminder that you are now adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Bruno. During the very deep grief it can feel like the tears will never stop and the searing pain in your heart will never ease. But I assure you, Bruno's Mom, that eventually as the hours, days, weeks, months progress you will find yourself being able to get through a day without tears, and then another day and another day after that, and you will notice that the stabbing searing pain in your heart is not quite so intense - - you will find yourself literally being able to breathe again. Does this mean you are "home free" from the sorrow? Not quite - - for one day you may find yourself thinking of your beloved Bruno, or you'll hear a certain song playing somewhere, or you'll be watching a program on the TV, or you'll come across one of your beloved Bruno's toys and you may feel the deep sorrow well up in you as though it were the first moment you felt your beloved Bruno take his last breath.

The good news is that eventually during the first year of your grief adjustment journey the moments of sorrow are not as intense nor lingering for hours / days. Eventually the memories you and your beloved Bruno share will bring a smile to your heart, and you will know he is sharing that same memory with you. You may even hear his sweet voice saying, "yeah, mom, I remember when we did this / that. I am so very glad you are my Forever Mom." This is what love is - - it is eternal and no amount of time as we continue our earthly journey diminishes it. Rather - - love in its truest, purest form continues to grow even when we are physically separated. You and your husband are blessed to be your beloved Bruno's sole, and soul, heirs to his eternal love. And with your beloved Bruno's love, you and your husband will find the strength to establish a "new normal" comforted by your beloved Bruno's sweet Living Spirit who always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

When I was much younger growing up I had to take public transportation just about everywhere I went. When I was upset about something I usually sat in the back of the bus, or a seat next to the window so that I could turn away from the other passengers to hide my tears. There have been times when I have been in public places when I have had no control over crying. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that anyone who makes a comment about you crying in public is to be ignored. Anyone who cannot extend compassion to someone who is upset needs to be avoided.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Bruno's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello, Bruno's Mom,

Eager to hear how you managed at work. Moon_beam offers such wisdom that on several occasions I have "copied and pasted" her posts to a folder on my computer that I can refer to when ......... a future dreaded day arrives........ I love how she explained the first-year (and beyond) grief adjustment, etc., etc.

Please continue to share anything and everything with us here. I love seeing the pictures of that most amazingly handsome and lovable boy of yours. And reading the stories about him--the special things he'd do. And how you and Larry are doing now. Sitting on the patio watching the hummingbirds and people is a WONDERFUL thing to be doing! A perfect activity.

I'm remembering back to when I have been in the throes of excruciating grief, and what helped or didn't help. Being around other people (i.e., work) was very difficult. I learned that what was best for me was to say very little about my grief because people's replies were stunning (even if they thought they were helping, what they said felt like minimizing the excruciating pain I was experiencing). If this happens to you, remember that you have Larry, other family, and us here---who really do understand what you are enduring.

Getting lost in a movie helped. Or playing a game. And ....eventually, stuff like making a collage of cherished pictures, writing a letter "to" the sweet pet I had lost, to pour out my love, any regrets I felt, etc. etc. And rescuing, in that pet's honor, another needy animal. That's just what I found helpful. Others here may have lots of other ideas, and you will find what works best for you.

Blessings to you. Looking forward to your next note!

Kathy

Thank you Moon_beam and Kathy for your kind words.
This is the lunch break. Had a little pumpkin porridge.
People at work sort of acknowledged/mentioned something and one of them asked about funeral and that made me choke up.
I'm experiencing numbness with some anxious feeling underneath.
I'd rather be crying.
Oh I miss our baby Bruno so so much...
I will write more this evening.

I got through the day, 9-6. Larry thought he wouldn't be surprised if I'd come back home by 10. He says he's proud. Being out there, with people that probably do not understand the extent of my grief, was tough. Having to talk with them was difficult, and I couldn't completely concentrate and was being forgetful. But I do feel like it helped in some way.
Right after I got out of the subway train this morning I called Larry like I do everyday. We cried together. I also called him during the lunch break and a few little breaks. I'm sure he was having a hard time, alone at home. I asked his good friend to call him because he's a kind of person that holds his emotions in as much as possible.
Walking on the street today, I felt like I was not the full person I used to. It was natural because without our baby I am not whole. A chunk of me was ripped out of me. Right now the hardest thing is that I miss him, I want to touch him and hold him like I used to many times a day, and there's nothing that can be done, and it hurts so much. Still just can't believe our baby so suddenly left us.
I've been reading a book called The Pet Loss Companion by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and I feel like it's very helpful. In the book, it say that you have to be good to yourself during the grieving process. It may be from my cultural heritage, but I have this belief that you don't deserve to be good to yourself when you're grieving. I discussed that with Larry and he says he doesn't get that. I'm not saying I'm trying to not eat well or not sleep well. I just can't eat anything solid now. But even if I could, I feel like I'd be disgusted at myself. I know it doesn't make sense...
This was the third day since I held my baby Bruno last... and I miss him so much!
This picture was taken in March 2013. So beautiful...

Fourth night without Bruno has passed. I was in a calmer state before going to bed. Larry and I got a big zipper bag and put the puppypads with our Bruno's last pee on them in there. It was sad but also gave me some relief. I believe having his ashes will be another such, but even more meaningful and heartbreaking moment. Early morning around 3-4 is very tough. I woke Larry up twice and sobbed. It is 5:30 now and I'm sitting on the patio. A little chilly but refreshing. Still a bit dark.
Every weekday morning, Larry got up around 5:15 and went out to the living room to read and have coffee. Then it was Bruno and me left in the bed. Bruno used to follow Larry out sometimes but not so much in his later years. I usually slept until 6 and came out for my morning drinks for reflux symptoms and went back in the bed and snoozed with Bruno. I rubbed his back and belly, gave him a kiss. Bruno loved to lick his paws and make wet spots in the sheets and he loved to knock the pillows over in the bed. He also used to sort of roll on the pillows we'd just slept on, to either enjoy or neutralize our scents I guess. At 6:30, I got up and made the bed with Larry and showered. When we made the bed he always stayed on the bed like he's helping or he doesn't care, not sure which. After my shower, I came out to living room and gave our daily grooming to Bruno. He never really had those tear stains that lots of white dogs have. As soon as we put him on the floor, he turned around fast and demanded treats like one more second of delay would be unacceptable. We gave him dried salmon and Pupperoni. Salmon was pretty much the only food he actually chewed and the way he chewed was so so cute. Then we had breakfast and I headed out to work. While Larry and I stood at the door saying have a good day to each other and kissed, Bruno got jealous and sometimes tried to hump Larry's leg. Some of this routine changed here and there as he reached his last year or months or weeks or days. Regardless, all sweet and sad memories.
It might not matter but I might have given you the impression that I'm a woman by not giving you my name. It didn't bother me at all but I thought it would be better to tell you that I'm actually male and Larry and I are both Bruno's daddy. And we both miss our baby Bruno terribly and find comfort writing and hearing from beautiful people here. I will write more later.
-Jae

Hi Bruno's Daddy,

You did great, getting through work! I can understand why Larry is proud of you. And I'm glad that book is helping. Really glad that you are re-examining the idea that one shouldn't be good to oneself while grieving. You deserve as much compassion as possible! I'm so very glad that you found this site.

This truly is a one-day- (one-hour, sometimes one-minute) at-a-time journey.

Sorry about referring to you as Bruno's Mommy.

Please continue to keep us posted on things.

Blessings,

Kathy
P.S. Another gorgeous picture of Bruno!

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. I sincerely apologize for referring to you as Bruno's "Mom." Thank you for letting us know.

Like our forum friend Kathy, I'm glad you have found reading the book on grieving helpful, and totally agree that you do need to treat yourself kindly. It is perfectly normal that regular meals are not appetizing to you right now, as this is a normal physical reaction to stress. Still it is important that you provide nourishment to your body because stress takes a toll on your immune system and your body needs nourishment in some form to help keep your immune system functioning and to prevent it from becoming dehydrated. As soon as the high stress of grieving eases you will feel your appetite resume normally.

Indeed, getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin: on the one side it can be a relief to have them back home where they belong, yet the other side is yet another blatant reminder they are no longer with us in the physical form our hearts and arms long for. It's another one of those "first withouts" that are a part of this painful grief adjustment journey.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing, and the adorable picture of your beloved Bruno. I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you for your comforting words. And no apology is necessary. I wasn't a bit offended.
2nd day at work was uneventful except I was feeling very tired. Not as busy as yesterday.
I was thinking maybe we could create a little space, like a little altar, for our Bruno. Not right now, and not at one time. Just a few little things such as several more photo frames, candles, little nice box for his hair, and of course the urn. We already have the urn. But Larry says he wouldn't want to be constantly reminded of this sorrow every time he passes that area. I'm wondering what your opinions are on that.
I'm going to bed now. I hope I can sleep better tonight. Will write more tomorrow, with more pictures of Bruno.
Again, thank you for reading my posts and offering those kind words. I'm really grateful.

It's 5am. Again I'm on our patio. There was a long text message from one of my sisters. My mom and my sisters have been very supportive since I let them know of Bruno's passing. Two of them have met him once each. They all knew how much I loved him. He was my pride, my baby. As she said, I draw comfort from the fact that Bruno had a full happy life and he moved on to heaven before he had to suffer too much from all sorts of sad reality of old age. The truth of impermanence... The inevitability of death... But we also have the faith that we'll all be reunited in heaven. This was the 5th night since Bruno passed away and the first I didn't wake Larry up during the night...