It was six months ago today that my life changed; that I held my beloved Bailey in my arms as he passed away. Six months since I have held him; since he has "made biscuits" on my shoulder, slept on my head...since I have heard his loud purr. Sure, I have other babies, but they aren't Bailey. I have tried to get though this pain on my own, although I have posted here a few times in the last six months, I still couldn't bring myself to reach out; I don't know if that makes sense. To those of you who have been supportive in my previous posts, I thank you. It means a lot.

I thought about getting a book for the loss of a pet, but couldn't bring myself to order it. Then I started decorating for Christmas. I pulled out the box of all the lights and other decorations, and came across Bailey's stocking. The tears just burst out; I couldn't stop them. Then I bought the candle to light for Bailey's memory for Christmas. Then I found the sympathy card from the vet. Then my husband and son asked me what I want for Christmas. Then...TODAY.

I am trying to get through this holiday season with a smile on my face; it is a mask, but I think that most everyone buys the smile, the cheery voice. As long as they don't look in my eyes, I'm okay. How do I explain to people that I hurt; that I have lost a member of my family; one that was like a child to me, six months ago? How do I talk about how much I miss chasing Bailey out of my Christmas tree; shooing him away from his stocking before he pulls it off the wall? The only time I can hear his purr is to watch videos of him. How do I explain to people that just don't get it that I miss my kitty cat? I have racked my brain trying to figure out if there was something that I missed; maybe if I had caught the mega colon sooner, he would still be with me; maybe there was something more that I could've done. But I know deep down that I made the right choice by him; he was suffering. I know that I am being selfish to want him back, but I can't help it.

One of my friends told me today that I should be over it because it was half a year ago that he died; that I needed to cheer up because Christmas is less than a week away. So, I suck it up, and I wipe away the tears, and I put the mask on, but inside, I feel sad and empty and lost. Part of me is angry because I didn't have Bailey long enough; he was only with me for a little over five years. I feel like I have lost a child, even if he did have four legs and fur. I'm angry because of all of the "firsts." I don't want these "firsts;" and I don't like this new "normal." I still sometimes wake up in the morning and think that I have to get Bailey his medicine. Then reality hits. I had buried myself in my school work, but because of the fast approaching holiday and my wedding anniversary, I took a leave of absence until February. Now I have time to think, and I hate it. So there it is. I miss my baby boy. Life is not the same. I guess maybe I am finally truly grieving the loss of my precious Bailey. All I know is that this pain is real and raw, and I have cried so much that I am surprised I have tears left.

Hi, baileysmama, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - and delayed grieving from suppressing it to "get through" what has needed to be done: your job and the daily routines that continue in the midst of your grief journey.

It is not surprising that you are feeling a renewal of your deep sorrow now. What is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be "the most horrible time of the year" for hearts that are breaking under the burden of deep sorrow. Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general, and unfortunately sometimes some of the people who are the closest to us emotionally and geographically, do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - for it is a safe place where each of us can come to share what is in our hearts with others who truly DO understand.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey but unfortunately it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. There are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that can speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is vitally important that you allow yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Bailey - - even if you must find the time to do so privately. Some people think that if they suppress their grief that it will make their sorrow less painful. However, clinical studies show that suppressed grief eventually will need to be reckoned with because of the effects of the stress both physically and emotionally. The tears you cry are literally healing tears for they literally wash the toxins out of the body that build up from the stress of grieving. So it is vitally important that you find healthy ways to release your grief, baileysmama.

I promise you, baileysmama, that your deep sorrow will eventually ease, and you will be able to think of your beloved Bailey and smile -- truly smile. But until this day comes for you, please know you are among friends here, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bailey's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, baileysmama, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam