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> Lost Only 'friend', Help! The pain is killing me.
BethAnn
post Apr 3 2019, 02:23 PM
Post #1





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 29-March 19
Member No.: 9,261



I so tried to sort through the posts to find information, but I was just aching all the more reading through everyone else's suffering.

I put my Daisy down on Feb 1st. I am 51 years old, and she was my sole companion for 14 years. I have no idea what to do. This pain is torture. Just writing this, I am ready to get sick. I have PTSD to begin with. Chronic/severe depression. Now, throw in all the grief symptoms. I was finally getting better with my Daisy. Now, everything is different. I simply do not like life without her.

I have a psychiatrist. A counselor. I went to a grieving class. But, all I do is cry. The pain in my chest and throat is just getting unbearable. I have to go out and get things done, but I cry. Big obnoxious sobbing and tears. Sometimes I even just have to grab on to something.


I got a 2 year old cat from the Humane Society, and she is the sweetest little thing. But, that is a completely different relationship and experience.


By Chance, does anyone have any more suggestions for me?


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merlin96
post Apr 3 2019, 03:15 PM
Post #2





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 47
Joined: 8-April 09
Member No.: 5,681



Hi BethAnn,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious Daisy. I can really relate to your post as I have a very similar relationship with my own dog. I have physical issues that disable me from working and limit my ability to socialize. I spend a great deal of time at home and pretty much all my time with my dog. In the past 12 years I lost two dogs before him. I know how devastating it is to lose your best friend and primary companion. One of the hardest things I think aside from the fact that you have lost your sole companion, is that to the extent you do try to tell other people how you are feeling, most people can't really understand.

I will tell you some things that helped me get through the worse of the gut-wrenching grief, although to a degree, it's something there is really no way around. You have to go through it. I think that pet loss forums do help, and one that was really good for me was rainbowsbridge.com. It's very active and they also have a chat room if you are into that sort of thing. This is also a great forum, obviously, and one I still keep up with even now.

Some other things that helped me were organizing my pictures and putting together a photo album, writing a journal of all my memories while they were still fresh, and getting a cremations pendant to wear a small amount of my dog's ashes in a pendant. I also found that while I am limited as to what I can do socially, it did help to try to find a meetup or some group to get me out of the house. See if you can find something you are interested in -- book club, yoga, whatever -- just to give yourself a bit of a break.

Eventually, I did decide to adopt again and I do think if you are able to open your heart again, it's a great way to honor the memory of a dog that has passed on. There are a lot of dogs that need homes and while I never went into it feeling like I was replacing the dog that was gone, it did help me to move forward.

Again, I'm really sorry about your loss of Daisy. Each day will get a little easier and hopefully eventually the memories of the wonderful years you had with her will bring you less sadness and more joy.

Take care,

Elsiebronwyn
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moon_beam
post Apr 3 2019, 04:40 PM
Post #3


Forum Moderator


Group: Moderators
Posts: 7,833
Joined: 20-July 08
From: Virginia
Member No.: 4,861



Hi, BethAnn, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Daisy. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Merlin has offered you many wonderful comforting suggestions to help you with your grief journey. I too am a single senior woman with physical challenges including PTSD and know from first hand experience how agonizingly painful the deep grief you are now going through. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief journey, BethAnn - - the deep grief cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with the many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds that can literally make you feel physically ill.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - but is still very normal. The grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for the physical loss of a human loved one. As Merlin so compassionately shared with you sometimes it is the people who are the closest to us geographically, emotionally, and socially that simply do not understand the depths of sorrow in experiencing the physical loss of a beloved companion. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - as a safe place where you can come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind without fear of rejection. And having gone through professional counseling several years ago for a traumatic event that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally I know that not every counselor is trained to help someone who is grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion. Sadly there are still professionals in all levels of medical practice who believe that a "cat is just a cat, a dog is just a dog", etc.. Trying to share your grief with people who do not understand can only intensify your grief, so it is best to avoid speaking about your grief to people you know simply do not understand. It is important for you to know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is comforting to know you have a new precious soul to love and care for. No, it is not the same as your love for your beloved Daisy - - it isn't supposed to be - - because your new precious companion has a heart and spirit and personality of her own to find her own special place in your heart - - and from what you share with us it sounds like she has succeeded. The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Daisy share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Daisy's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, BethAnn - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Daisy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, BethAnn, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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My Doxie and Me
post Apr 3 2019, 07:26 PM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 447
Joined: 31-July 11
Member No.: 7,200



Please forgive me BethAnn for this interruption as you seek a friends paw prints
as I walk along the shore I cant help to reach out as the pain you feel for a
best friend is your Daisy way of touch...

Silent tears for a friend without a Picture is difficult to walk by As I
look within to ask...A Best Friend will never truly leave you;..They just...
Attached File  ab31daed77c10e6685e9db7946f8033f__2_.jpg ( 106.63K ) Number of downloads: 0

Forgive me as I have learned from a best friend...

We take no ownership over life yet a pure heart prepares for a lifetime as what I can see
you are blessed with a special friend as they always try to comfort us we find fault and we
follow as are very best friend will lead us to become a better human...

BethAnn you are a Special Human that has reached out in time of need when you have ask nothing...
Yet Daisy pulls you towards others as she has a true gift waiting;...Forgive me as we look thru Tear's
as the Physical loss is truly painful we need to press forward as the Paw prints to a friend will teach us
for a life time...

As I speak Daisy name we are the same we have a friendship;...We truly understand a life liaison as Human travels
a road without light as a beautiful friends passing;...
Attached File  thIL4X2RLJ.jpg ( 14.83K ) Number of downloads: 0

A silent moment filled with Tears Block a life long Friendship;....
https://youtu.be/F6mRxGvwZcs
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BethAnn
post Apr 5 2019, 11:26 PM
Post #5





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 29-March 19
Member No.: 9,261



Oh geeze, I hope I am typing this where I am supposed to be. I'm a bit confused with the system here.
So, thank you so much for taking time to write to me. Ugh, how my heart aches and your message was really important to me. I haven't heard of the rainbowbridge site, but I will definitely check it out. Thank you for the ideas too. I started working on having photos developed, but putting it all together in a journal is brilliant. I'll have to figure out where to go to that understands that I just start crying though. I should really focus on finding some group/activity.
Thanks again,
Beth


QUOTE (merlin96 @ Apr 3 2019, 01:15 PM) *
Hi BethAnn,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious Daisy. I can really relate to your post as I have a very similar relationship with my own dog. I have physical issues that disable me from working and limit my ability to socialize. I spend a great deal of time at home and pretty much all my time with my dog. In the past 12 years I lost two dogs before him. I know how devastating it is to lose your best friend and primary companion. One of the hardest things I think aside from the fact that you have lost your sole companion, is that to the extent you do try to tell other people how you are feeling, most people can't really understand.

I will tell you some things that helped me get through the worse of the gut-wrenching grief, although to a degree, it's something there is really no way around. You have to go through it. I think that pet loss forums do help, and one that was really good for me was rainbowsbridge.com. It's very active and they also have a chat room if you are into that sort of thing. This is also a great forum, obviously, and one I still keep up with even now.

Some other things that helped me were organizing my pictures and putting together a photo album, writing a journal of all my memories while they were still fresh, and getting a cremations pendant to wear a small amount of my dog's ashes in a pendant. I also found that while I am limited as to what I can do socially, it did help to try to find a meetup or some group to get me out of the house. See if you can find something you are interested in -- book club, yoga, whatever -- just to give yourself a bit of a break.

Eventually, I did decide to adopt again and I do think if you are able to open your heart again, it's a great way to honor the memory of a dog that has passed on. There are a lot of dogs that need homes and while I never went into it feeling like I was replacing the dog that was gone, it did help me to move forward.

Again, I'm really sorry about your loss of Daisy. Each day will get a little easier and hopefully eventually the memories of the wonderful years you had with her will bring you less sadness and more joy.

Take care,

Elsiebronwyn

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BethAnn
post Apr 5 2019, 11:44 PM
Post #6





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 3
Joined: 29-March 19
Member No.: 9,261



I am so struggling for words right now. You and Merlin have given me tons to think about. Actually, I may have to check back in tomorrow. I am REALLY struggling right now. But, I wanted to make sure to say thank you so much for your sincere and much needed words...and prayers.

QUOTE (moon_beam @ Apr 3 2019, 02:40 PM) *
Hi, BethAnn, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Daisy. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Merlin has offered you many wonderful comforting suggestions to help you with your grief journey. I too am a single senior woman with physical challenges including PTSD and know from first hand experience how agonizingly painful the deep grief you are now going through. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief journey, BethAnn - - the deep grief cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. It is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with the many ups and downs twists and turns and turnarounds that can literally make you feel physically ill.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - but is still very normal. The grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for the physical loss of a human loved one. As Merlin so compassionately shared with you sometimes it is the people who are the closest to us geographically, emotionally, and socially that simply do not understand the depths of sorrow in experiencing the physical loss of a beloved companion. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - as a safe place where you can come to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind without fear of rejection. And having gone through professional counseling several years ago for a traumatic event that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally I know that not every counselor is trained to help someone who is grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion. Sadly there are still professionals in all levels of medical practice who believe that a "cat is just a cat, a dog is just a dog", etc.. Trying to share your grief with people who do not understand can only intensify your grief, so it is best to avoid speaking about your grief to people you know simply do not understand. It is important for you to know you are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is comforting to know you have a new precious soul to love and care for. No, it is not the same as your love for your beloved Daisy - - it isn't supposed to be - - because your new precious companion has a heart and spirit and personality of her own to find her own special place in your heart - - and from what you share with us it sounds like she has succeeded. The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Daisy share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Daisy's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, BethAnn - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Daisy with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, BethAnn, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

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My Doxie and Me
post Apr 6 2019, 06:36 PM
Post #7





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 447
Joined: 31-July 11
Member No.: 7,200



Yesterday was weird. I couldn't get myself out of bed. The guy I live with lifted me up. I tried to get my legs under me, but they wouldn't cooperate. He said, "Don't worry, I gotcha buddy," carried me downstairs, and out the front door. That was so nice of him. I needed to pee so badly, I just had to go right there where he put me down. Normally I wouldn't, but we both decided to make an exception to the rule.
I started walking down the parking lot toward that place where all the dogs like me go to poop. I felt my paws dragging on the ground. "How strange," I thought. Then suddenly, I just had to go, really badly. In the middle of the parking lot. Normally, I wouldn't do that. It's against the rules.
My person cleaned up the mess. He's good at that. I felt embarrassed, looked at him, and he said, "Want to keep walking, buddy?" I did, but it was surprisingly tough. By the time we reached the end of the parking lot, my head was spinning. I tried to climb the little hill, and nearly fell over. I couldn't figure out what was going on.
He reached down again, and ran his hands over me. That felt good. He picked me up, and carried me home. I was still confused, and my head was light, but I was glad not to have to walk all the way back. It suddenly seemed like an impossible distance.
I was so glad to lay down on my bed. My person petted me, saying, "I gotcha covered, buddy. I gotcha." I love the way that makes me feel. I know he does. He makes everything better.
He felt my paws, and pulled up my lip. He said, "Oh buddy, are you cold?" I was. My face was cold, my paws were cold. He texted a few people, and came back to pet me.
A few minutes later, another person arrived. He's one of my favorites, and his name is Jay. He petted me, and said to my person, "Do you want to get a blanket?" They put a blanket over me, and wow... that felt good. I relaxed, and they both petted me, but they both started to choke back tears.
I never want them to cry, it breaks my heart. It's my job to make them feel better, and I was just a little tired, and cold. I drifted in and out of sleep, and they were always there, making sure I was okay, and chatting with each other.
Throughout the day, my person made some phone calls, and spent a lot of time with me. I heard him say, "9 am tomorrow... ok... yes... I'll tell you if anything changes. Thank you Dr. MacDonald." He called someone else, and said, "I'm sorry, I have to cancel tonight." Then as I was drifting off to sleep, I think I heard him cry a little again.
In the evening, more of my favorite people came by. They were all so loving. I licked their tears away when they would get close enough to my face. They whispered sweet things in my ear, and told me I was a good boy.
Later in the evening, I felt well enough to stand up and walk to the door to see who was coming in. It was more exhausting than I'd remembered it being, but I loved seeing them all. I heard my person say something like, "That's the first time he's gotten up under his own power today." Everyone seemed glad that I was out of bed. I was too, but wow... after the excitement wore off, it was so exhausting to move around.
After the last visitor left, my person took me outside to do what he called, "my business." We went back inside and when we reached the bottom of the stairs, they looked twice as steep and ten times as long as I remembered them being. I looked at my person, and he looked at me. He said, "Don't worry, I gotcha buddy," and carried me up.
Then it got even better! Instead of sleeping in my bed, he called me up to sleep on *his* bed. Let me repeat: *I got to sleep in the bed with my person!* We normally have our own beds, but last night we snuggled, and it felt so good to be that close to him. I thought, "This is where I belong. I will never leave his side." I didn't feel very well though, and it was hard to breathe sometimes.
It seems like it started a few months ago. We were playing fetch and I just blacked out. I don't know what happened, but I think I stopped breathing. I could hear my person calling my name. I couldn't move a muscle. He lifted my head, and looked into my eyes. I could see him right there, but couldn't lick his face. He said, "Benny, are you in there?" I couldn't respond. He looked at me, and said, "Don't worry buddy, I gotcha. I gotcha covered." I started to spin into darkness, but then my lungs took in a deep breath, and I could see again.
We went to see some doctors, and since then I've heard a lot of words like, "cardiomyopathy," "cancer," and, "kidney failure." All i know is that sometimes I feel okay, and sometimes... you know... I just don't. My person gives me pills.
This morning, I heard my person get up and take a shower. He came back in the room, and smelled so nice. He helped me get up, but this time, I could do it on my own. We got to the top of the stairs, and wow... they looked long and steep again. He said, "I gotcha buddy," and carried me down. I did my business, and we came back inside. He opened a can, a really, really delicious can of wet dog food. Oh man... I love that stuff!
Jay showed up again. What a nice surprise! He and my person seemed concerned, but everyone was petting me. It seemed a little like a play, where all the actors were sad, but pretending to be happy. Pretty soon after that, another person showed up. She was wearing doctor pants, and I leaned on her.
I heard them talk. Everyone looked at my gums, and felt my paws. I heard the doctor pants lady say, "It's your decision, but he's definitely in that window. I don't want to push you, but looking at his lack of color, I am honestly shocked he's even standing up. In addition to the paws and jowls, look here..." she pointed at my face, "This should be pink. It's almost white, and verging toward yellow."
My person and Jay went inside to talk about something. When they came back out, I heard my person say, "I agree. I don't want to wait till he's in absolute agony." So we went inside. Truth be told, I was feeling pretty badly, even though I was up and walking. It seemed like my whole head was cold, my paws were freezing, and my back legs weren't working right.
The doctor pants lady said, "I'll just put this into his muscle. It's a sedative. Then I'll come back over here, and you can just love on him till he's asleep." My person kissed my face, and looked in my eyes. He was trying not to cry. Doctor pants lady gave me a shot of something in the leg. I just looked at my person. He is so awesome. I will always be right by his side.
He and Jay petted me, and said the nicest things - what a good dog I am, what a good job I've done, how thankful they are to have me in their lives. After a while, my mind started buzzing. FOCUS! I looked back at my person. I love him so much.
I drifted again. FOCUS! I can see my person. I love him so much. I will always be right by his side. He knows that. Am I sleepy? FOCUS! I'll always look at him with my whole heart...
Doctor pants lady said, "He must have an incredible will to stay with you. He is really powering through. That's impressive." My person choked back tears and said, "I know. This guy lives for me. He is the most devoted soul I've ever met..." We put our heads together, and closed our eyes. I felt good. I can't really describe it. We looked at each other again. I just felt like riding that buzz, but maybe lying down was better. My person helped me down. Man, that felt gooooooood.
I felt him and Jay petting me, and heard them talking to me. They love me so much. How lucky am I? Then I felt thousands of hands petting me. Everyone I'd ever known and loved was there, petting me, scratching my ears, and that spot under my collar that makes my leg move. Everyone should try this. It's just amazing!
Then I felt the doctor pants lady touch my leg. Did I tell you that my person had to have both of my knees repaired? They're titanium, and have served me well, but you know... I've been feeling a little creaky lately.
With everyone petting me, the doctor pants lady put another needle in my leg, but this time, as the fluid went in, my legs were healed! My knees were perfect! And as I felt it move through my body, my cancer disappeared! And then my kidneys felt better! And finally, even my heart was whole, and healthy! I felt like I had sprung away from all of my sickness. Amazing!
I saw my person, and Jay, and the lady who lives at our house, Shelly. They seemed to be huddling over something. I walked over to look. It seemed like... I don't know. It kind of looked like me, but the way I looked when I was feeling really sick, or exhausted. The face was blurred out, so I couldn't really tell, but that poor guy looked like he had been suffering.
I could tell my person was both relieved and very, very sad. I love him so much. I looked at that me-shaped shell, and I looked at him... I think he was sad about that shell. I jumped around the room, like a clown, but it seemed like they wanted to be somber, and focus on whatever that thing was they were petting and kissing.
But my person was definitely sad. I leaned on him, like I've done a million times before, but it wasn't quite the same. It felt like his body was a cloud and I passed right through him. So I walked up next to him, sat like a good boy, and my heart whispered to his, "Don't worry, buddy. I gotcha covered."
I will never leave his side. He knows that.

Attached File  12525370_766375723494184_6272118096774310780_o.jpg ( 71.21K ) Number of downloads: 0

BethAnn this is a Post I just sent a friend as you look close it will tell another side of Friendship...Wishing you Well always...
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moon_beam
post Apr 7 2019, 01:58 PM
Post #8


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Joined: 20-July 08
From: Virginia
Member No.: 4,861



Hi, BethAnn, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I just want to check in with you to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you are enduring through your grief adjustment journey.

One of the many things we have to deal with is putting on what I call the "public face" to get through the day with other people when all we want to do is crawl underneath the covers and cry - - gut wrenching sobs. I remember so very well while I was working how thankful I was for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to compose myself so that I would be able to go back to my desk to resume my work. And then as soon as I got in the car for the drive home the gut wrenching sobs would burst like a broken dam. Even though I had other precious companions with me - - who were also grieving the loss of their fur family member - - there was still an emptiness in the house reminding us that one of us was no longer physically there. It was as if the house itself was also grieving the physical loss of our beloved companion.

So many things still needed to be done - - bills paid, jobs done, meals prepared, groceries purchased, - - yet it all seemed it was happening without my participation - - like an "out of body" experience - - I was doing all these things but my mind was functioning on what I call "automatic pilot." Minutes turned to hours which turned into days, and then weeks. It sometimes felt like the deep grief would never ease up - - that a part of my heart would always feel broken, empty, lost, adrift.

The good news is that eventually the deep grief does ease, BethAnn, and particularly when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Daisy and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and all the wonderful treasured memories that had once burdened your heart with deep sadness will now feel like a warm embrace, and you will know that your beloved Daisy is sharing these memories with you at the same time. You may even hear the soft whisper of her voice in your heart say, "thank you so much for being my Forever Mom. I am always with you."

But until this time arrives for you when your tears are not so frequent and your heart is not feeling so empty, please know we are here for you.
I hope today is treating you kindly, BethAnn, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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