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> The Pain Is As Raw As That Awful Day, I miss my baby boy
baileysmama
post Aug 12 2013, 03:33 PM
Post #1





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 16
Joined: 19-June 13
From: Tennessee
Member No.: 8,018



I hate this "new" normal. My life is not normal...there is a hole. The hole is in my heart. This raw, painful, sorrow is a constant in my day. Sleep comes occasionally. I have a couple "good" days, where I don't burst into tears because my precious Bailey is gone. Then comes a phone call...or someone looking at me like they think I am crazy because I say I miss my boy...or someone who tells me that I should be happy and "get over it" because I have other pets and I need to "suck it up" and deal with the fact my cat is dead. I'm sorry, but I can't just get over it. There is no replacement. I miss my boy. He was my kid; my baby. I can't even call the vet's office to make an appointment to get the babies "fixed" without crying. I had to call back and cancel the appointment because the boys would have to stay overnight...and I can't be without them overnight. Not yet. It is too soon. I find Bailey's toys, smell his scent on his favorite pillow, and it is like he is somehow still alive. But his fur has been swept or vacuumed up...the smell is fading from the pillow. His passing was so fast. I miss him. I want him back. I know he was sick, but there had to be something else I could've done. I feel guilty. The girl at the vet's was so sweet, and told me that every one of them down there knows what I am going through because they have each gone through it. I'm sorry. I had to vent.
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moon_beam
post Aug 13 2013, 08:49 AM
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Hi, baileysmama, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort, encouragement, and reassurance in your deep sorrow.

First of all, there is no "getting over", "moving beyond", or "closure" to the physical loss of a beloved companion. These are words that were developed during the 1970's and forward by the clinical professionals who were just beginning to adopt the grief journey principles developed for hospice clients. Since then clinical professionals now recognize that using these words are less than helpful - - because love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Rather, the grief journey is one of "adjustment to" the physical absence of our beloved companions, and this is a very painful adjustment both physically and emotionally especially when we are in deep grief.

So anyone who tells you to "get over" or "suck it up" needs to either be avoided as much as possible in terms of sharing with them how you are feeling and doing, or needs to be told in as calm and pleasant a way as possible that they simply do not understand what they are saying - - and then walked away from. The most important thing for you right now is to have the least amount of additional stress to have to endure - - and this includes enduring insensitive comments.

I promise you, baileysmama, that your deep grief will eventually ease - - and as it does I hope you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you did everything you could for your beloved Bailey. I also know that your beloved Bailey is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for him, and tried to do for him, during his earthly journey, and he does not want your heart entrenched in deep sorrow forever. Instead, he wants you to be able to think of him and remember him and hold him close in your heart with a happy heart, and I pray that in time as your deep sorrow eases you will be able to do this.

But until this time comes for you, baileysmama, please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, baileysmama, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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scoutsmom
post Aug 14 2013, 01:38 PM
Post #3





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 11
Joined: 8-August 13
Member No.: 8,062



Baileysmama—I completely understand what you are going through. It’s as though the joy of life was taken from me when I lost my baby Scout. Everything I was so excited for –being newly engaged, planning a wedding has lost its excitement. Instead of looking at wedding websites I’m looking at pet loss websites. It’s hard to get

I don’t know how you get through this either..other than to just to experience it. Something that has helped me a bit is to realize that the amount of grief we are feeling is a testimony for the deep love we felt for our animals. Dismiss those who tell you to “get over it” they will never understand. Honestly, I lost my dad 10 years ago and that was tragic..but my kitty..he was my baby and it hurts like hell. The guilt I feel is overwhelming due to how Scout died. Be thankful you had a chance to say goodbye and be there for your kitty when he died. Be thankful for the time you had together and realize you will meet again someday. Be well.
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baileysmama
post Aug 26 2013, 03:58 PM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 16
Joined: 19-June 13
From: Tennessee
Member No.: 8,018



Thank you both for your kind words. It has been 2 months and 1 week since that awful day. There are so many firsts right now, but my three lil guys are such a comfort to me. Tomorrow the guys go in for their "procedure," ya know, where they aren't broken, but they need to be "fixed," and it will be the first time going back to the vet since I picked up my Bailey's remains...I would be a liar if I said I wasn't a little anxious. I am also have minor surgery tomorrow, which is another "first" since my boy passed away...he was always there with me in the past. It still hurts, but I decided that I would write to Bailey...I know, it may sound crazy, but I used to talk to him when he was alive; and I needed to talk about how I felt. So I opened my journal and poured my heart out, crying so hard at times that I thought I would never stop. I didn't even hear my husband come home from work because I was crying. Y'all can imagine how freaked out he was to come home at 11:30 at night and find his wife crying her eyes out. I slept that night, though. For the first time in a while.

I heard about this book called "How to Roar", which talks about grief and loss of a pet. As soon as I recouperate from surgery, I want to get it. I never want to forget my Bailey, and I never could...but I do want to live and remember him without feeling so sad.

I am attaching a photo of one of my little guys. I have talked about him before. His name is "Boog." He was one of the lil guys we rescued from under our house, and he loved Bailey. He acts so much like him...and I am also posting a pic of my Bailey...one of my favorites of him <3
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Gretta's Mom
post Aug 26 2013, 06:09 PM
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Oh baileysmama

My heart is aching for you in your early days of grief at the homegoing of precious Bailey. Indeed, the depth of grief IS reflective of the depth of the love you had for Bailey and Bailey had for you. Our beloved fur-children have so many tendrils into our hearts. They wevae their way into our homes and hearts in every possible way. Living room .... their favorite resting spot and we hear their purring. Dining room ... they tiptoe around on little cat feet smelling the people-food but never begging, just making themselves known. Kitchen ... they eat there and we hear their little mouths going as they snarf up the moist and dry cat food and then swish their tails in delight. Bedroom ... the warmest room in the house ... maybe they sleep there with ther people ... and when they are baby kittens our toes are impossible to resist biting. Even the bathroom ... where their cat box is ... and where they are so neat and fastidious and we hear the telltale scratch, scratch, scratch. In the car, if we have to put them in carriers, they protest all the way ... what an indignity to put ME in this BOX ... and don't think I don't know where we're going! And back at home ... they try as hard as they can to act huffy but our love for us and their love for us soon get us back to our warm and tender place.

No wonder the house feels empty. Everywhere we look our eyes land on something that contains a precious memory. Is it any wonder that your heart feels it has been shot by a high-powered rifle and you're bleeding all over the whole world? People who tell you to "get over it" are to be pitied intensely. They have never known what you have - the soul deep permeating love of a heavenly animal. HOw dry a live must THAt be? The body and soul cannot tolerate the shock-and-awe period for very long. Someday soon you will find yourself in the "robot" state: just walking through life, doing what HAS to be done to keep life going but s-l-o-w-l-y and without thinking or feeling anything. This is the body and mind's protection against too much intense grief. Your tears will still fall many and often but the racking sobs will become a little fewer.

Baileysmom, the bole in your heart never goes away. Know why? Because you and Bailey are soul-mates. You each carry a piece of the other's soul. And that Bailey-shaped hole will continue to ache, sometimes more, sometimes less, but always there. Tears will always come. (Mine are now, for my Gretta who went to the Perfect World more than four years ago and for my Rufus who went home last March at a time when I was half a continent away. Two dogs, two tears.)

But there WILL come a day when you are reunited with Bailey and any brother or sister kitties. You will join them in the Perfect World and will never be separated from them again. For relgious believers, there are many scriptural references that tell us that this is true.

In a way, you are lucky because you have your three little ones. They are not, and never will be, Bailey. The love you have for each of them will be uniquely their own. But it will be strong and comforting and fun and warm. Just the thing your bleeding souls needs.

These things I promise.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

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moon_beam
post Aug 27 2013, 09:10 AM
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Hi, baileysmama, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful pictures of your precious Boog and beloved Bailey. It is quite common for our companions who physically continue with us to take on some of the traits of their housemate who is now with the angels - - another way for your beloved Bailey to let you know he is still with you through his housemate Boog.

Many people find keeping a journal to be very helpful in preserving treasured memories. I know your beloved Bailey feels the warmth of your eternal love with every word you write and is listening intently to every word your heart sends heavenward to him. Hopefully you feel the presence of his sweet Living Spirit in your heart and the soft whisper of his voice telling you, "I'm always with you, mom."

I hope today is treating you and your little ones kindly, - - that their and your procedures will go smoothly so that each of you will have a speedy and uneventful recovery. I hope you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bailey's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, baileysmama, and please let us know how you and your precious companions are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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CritzyJ
post Aug 31 2013, 01:52 PM
Post #7





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 93
Joined: 2-August 13
From: Arizona
Member No.: 8,058



Hi Bailey's Mama,

It's been 30 days since my kitties (Joe and Steve) left me and I agree with your statement about a new normal because nothing will ever be as it was. I sometimes feel a little more normal inside myself, but my life won't be the same without them.

You mentioned the book, How to Roar, and I do recommend it. It's a workbook and you answer questions about your baby. How you picked out his name, what you first loved about him, what you had to learn to love. It starts with addressing happy memories and why it's worth having pets even when we ultimately experience grief when they leave us. I have only worked through a few sections of the book, but it's helpful. I find myself smiling with memories, but then when I finish writing, I'm almost more sad because I realize how much I've lost. All that to say, I still think it's a healthy way to get through the grief.

I hope you're healing up well since your surgery and hope you'll have a restful day.

CritzyJ
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JuliaSC
post Nov 20 2013, 09:14 AM
Post #8





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 35
Joined: 23-October 13
Member No.: 8,140



QUOTE (baileysmama @ Aug 12 2013, 03:33 PM) *
I hate this "new" normal. My life is not normal...there is a hole. The hole is in my heart. This raw, painful, sorrow is a constant in my day. Sleep comes occasionally. I have a couple "good" days, where I don't burst into tears because my precious Bailey is gone. Then comes a phone call...or someone looking at me like they think I am crazy because I say I miss my boy...or someone who tells me that I should be happy and "get over it" because I have other pets and I need to "suck it up" and deal with the fact my cat is dead. I'm sorry, but I can't just get over it. There is no replacement. I miss my boy. He was my kid; my baby. I can't even call the vet's office to make an appointment to get the babies "fixed" without crying. I had to call back and cancel the appointment because the boys would have to stay overnight...and I can't be without them overnight. Not yet. It is too soon. I find Bailey's toys, smell his scent on his favorite pillow, and it is like he is somehow still alive. But his fur has been swept or vacuumed up...the smell is fading from the pillow. His passing was so fast. I miss him. I want him back. I know he was sick, but there had to be something else I could've done. I feel guilty. The girl at the vet's was so sweet, and told me that every one of them down there knows what I am going through because they have each gone through it. I'm sorry. I had to vent.


I feel your pain. A few days ago I was refusing to wash my sheets because it would be the first time I wash it after my cat Miles is gone. I looked in the window today and saw a beautiful day, all the trees are so pretty, and it just hurts me that Miles got to see only 1 Fall, only 2 Winters, and only 2 Summers. I just feel he was so happy here on Earth and having fun getting poor lizards and birds all summer long, I just can't believe it's all gone!!! I thought we are having a long life together an he will die when he is an old grandpa Miles, not as a very young cat!
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