Vet Said It Would Be Ok - I Couldn't, Though Options

[forduffy]

I am so very sorry for you. I have tears in my eyes because what you are describing happened to me with Duffy. I fought my family not to have him euthanized and it wasn't until the day that one of his tumors started bleeding and I knew that he was miserable that I stopped arguing with them. I remember how he would not be able to get comfortable and would circle around and around before settling down. We are all here for you. Please know that we understand and that it will be painful for you but not for her, ultimately. It will be her relief. It's the least we can do for them after they have given us their all. I wish you peace.

[1991Baby]

I've started a new thread - "Kahlua & Squirrels". My baby is gone. I took her in as soon as the vet opened this morning. It was a terrible night, one I never dreamed would happen like it did. I know I ought not second guess, but I did take note of her trying to crawl under the bed and get behind the furniture yesterday. I remarked to myself, "she's looking for a place to die". I still thought she could make it to today, maybe Friday at the latest. But when she was ready to go, she knew it, I should have listened to her.

The screams she let out, and the the seizures she started having around 4 were heartwrenching, I died over and over and over for her. I never wanted her last few hours to be so horrible. I should have heeded her warning signals yesterday. I'm so mad at myself and feel terrible for trying to stretch her out too long.

That said, she's chasing squirrels now, and has no more pain. She is at peace. My precious baby girl is finally at peace. I love her so, so much, always and forever and ever. My daddy's little baby Kahlua lives inside me, but the whole in my heart from her passing is immeasurable and unfillable right now.

Kahlua, I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

[myhrtisbrkn]

I'm so sorry...

Dayna

[Lenny's Dad]

It took Lenny having what I believe were seizures before I really made up my mind. He might well have been in lots of pain - he had such a tolerance no-one was ever sure.

I know it's pointless saying it, but please don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you left it too long, maybe you didn't. Your time together was all about love and no one - including kahlua - would blame you for wanting to prolong her life.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you both, so very sorry.

[1991Baby]

They just called and told me her ashes were ready. I'm just a sobbing wreck. I couldn't sleep much last night. As each hour passed I was remembering how terrible that same moment was the night before. This morning has been miserable. Walking around my place I feel and walk like a zombie. A thought just causes me to start bawling. The call about her ashes just sent me over the top. They had told me it would be a week. I hurt so, so bad.

I've read the advice of LoveThem on another thread to consciously try to remember 2 good memories every time a bad one creeps in. Trying to, but not working yet. I've attached some of the photos I have of her. All of these are in the past two years. I'll have to scan her earlier pics that aren't digital. She had such a precious face, such a gentle and loving diposition, she gave so much of herself to me and everyone who gave her the time of day. I LOVE YOU KAHLUA, ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

Attached image(s)

 

[1991Baby]

more pics

Attached image(s)

 

[goliath]

I am so sorry your last moments with Kahlua were so horrible. Judy is so right when she says to allow yourself two good memories for each bad memory. Over time the good ones will be those that stand out in your mind. Because of all the moments you and Kahlua shared together there will be more for you to feel joyful about.

How lucky you were to have found such a love to share your life with.

May you blessed in the comfort of knowing you and Kahlua shared in such an everlasting and bonded love.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Thanks for sharing the pics ...what a long wonderful life you gave her. A life to be celebrated. I know it's hard, but you'll get there.

Dayna

[LoveThem]

Substituting good memories for sad ones will work but it takes time and practice. It never hurts to try it anytime but it will take time to train your mind to reject the sadness.

Right now it is too soon since you lost her. This is the time we do a lot of crying and grieving until we are too exhausted to cry anymore. Then we start thinking of good memories as often as we can and especially when we feel a sad one coming on.

Whatever feels right for grieving is right. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like venting, vent. If you feel like writing a letter to your baby and telling her your thoughts and how much you miss her...sometimes that helps.

And even though we eventually heal enough to not let the sadness overwhelm us everyday, there will always be days, we will just feel like breaking down and crying...that's ok to do.

Whatever makes you feel better at the time is the right thing to do at that moment.

You posted some beautiful pictures of Kahlua and the good memories are looking at the pictures and remembering how things were when you took them. What helped me was to put pictures of my Little Guy in every room and when I walk into a room, our eyes touch, and I like that. He is a part of me that will always be but I miss the physical presence and the pictures help with that part of things. We thank them and treasure all the good things they were a part of. I push away any sad pictures when his quality of life was starting to change. I want to remember him as he would want to be remembered. Happy, healthy, and full of love and life. That's my boy..forever.

[Lenny's Dad]

LoveThem is right - is is a little early to expect much improvement in how you feel. There are no easy answers to this, no quick fixes. And it is going to hurt. But, over time, it will hurt less.

After a month, I'm only ok when totally distracted. I only have to look at lenny's picture and I lose it. But cir%%stances are forcing me to be distracted. Which is partly why I am not dealing with it too well.

I believe that an important part of this lies in not suppressing or rejecting your grief. You have to express it. It is part of dealing with it. To get to that point where the wonderful, positive joy of having loved and been loved by kahlua brings only joy again rather than sadness, you have to cross this torrent of distress.

Sometimes I think the sadness is much greater of loss than the joy we shared. But the thought that I might never have spent our life together is far worse, and I know lenny gave me so much more happiness than the sadness (read misery) that I am feeling now. I am kept going by the fact that I want him to know that the sum total of his being with me was not sadness but fantastic joy. So I struggle on.

You will struggle on. It will be hard, but you will struggle on. Because of your friendship and love with kahlua, and because of your feelings now, you are a wonderful person and the world could do with more like you. Those photos literally do tell a thousand words each. You both have been extremely lucky with only one big dark spot which had to come - and always does too soon and too painfully.

[1991Baby]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm a mess. I just came in from a night out, but coming back into my home is devastating. Strange enough, I met a woman tongiht with the local shelter that I took Kahlua to on Thursday mornng. She's more involved in promotions and fundraising, but she totally knew where I was coming from on Thursday. My trauma is apparently not disturbingly unique.

I've thought more about taking her ashes on my next camping trip. I have serious concerns about being able to do it . This will be the first time I will have ever gone campng without her in my life. I will have to go through a stage where I question my capacity to be a great father after going through her hurt. I am still coming to terms with Kahlua being gone. I don't think I have it in me to camp on my own. It's never happened in my life. Fear is a good instinct to have.

[goliath]

Fear is a good instinct to have.

Sometimes confronting fears opens a door for closure and growth. Eventually you will confront that fear and conquer it.

When Goliath passed away I didn't think I could do any of the things we liked to do together again. I remember the first walk I took this Spring. After I had Gidget on her leash and we headed for the door, I nearly turned back. The tears were already coming before we walked out the door. Then I got to thinking.............Goliath would WANT ME to continue to do the things he loved to do. That was part of our happiness together. So Gidget and I headed out the door and at first it was hard. Goliath used to prance along during our walks like a little clydesdale horse. Knees high....front paws curled inward.....head high.............tail wagging all the way. Before long Gidget and I were prancing right along and I started singing "You are my sunshine.........my only sunshine....you make me happy when skies are gray.............." I sang other songs too and before I knew it my head was up and Gidget and I continued that walk and felt great about it. As hard as it was for me to risk feeling torn up all over again, I found I could overcome fear.

Kahlua would want you to continue doing the things you and she loved doing together. It was her priority to see to it that you were loved and happy, just as it was important to you that she was happy during her life. Open up your heart and let her love shine in.

Your loss is so brand new. Give yourself lots of time and be patient. In time your happier memories of her will surface and you will find yourself feeling happier again. Those memories you and Kahlua made together over the years is your treasure chest of love. This belongs to you because this is the gift they leave when one loved so much passed away. Kahlua's spirit is alive and well in your heart. Let her sweet loving soul fill your heart completely. All the love she had for you is there. Find it and let her sunshine radiate all around you.

May you be blessed and give thanks for all you had with your little girl Kahlua.

Much love to you at this difficult time you are struggling so hard with.

[LoveThem]

I see nothing wrong with taking her ashes on your camping trips...but I would also take a favorite picture. That way your first trip won't seem so alone. You can talk to her and I find a picture helps cause I can look into my boy's beautiful eyes that are locked on mine through the camera lens and feel a connection to his spirit. It might even be for you a bit of closure...something you dread doing the first time and once you do it.....you will have gone through the hardest one.

It is okay to do what helps you feel better now. If you went camping and didn't take her, would that make everything seem so much sadder? Either way, you would be thinking of her and by taking her and/or her picture..you can know that you have her with you at that time..the best way you can have her physically around. Whatever feels "right" to you will be the right thing to do for you at this time.

Of course, someday you may find a little puppy that looks like a Kahlua, Junior and you can tell him or her on a camping trip about the wonderful sister that is so much a part of your life that you always want to share her with everyone.

When I lost my Little Guy in September, he was the last of 3 siblings and my favorite since he was a tiny kitten born in my backyard in May 1991. So it had been many years of furbabies in my home and I found when he was taken...I needed a distraction from the emptiness and grieving that was so exhausting...so I did go to the local SPCA and found Lucky, who physically and especially from a distance looks very similar to my twin boys but has his own personality and needed a home and just loves people so much. When I looked into his eyes...I felt a special connection. I am thankful for his distraction because I can't bring back my baby boy but I feel lost without that special unconditional love they give us and Lucky needed someone to give his love to. It is not the same as Lucky can never take my boy's place but since I can't have my boy, I still can love having a baby boy to hug and let him know he is not alone anymore in this world and neither am I.

[1991Baby]

Bringing several pictures will help, thank you LoveThem for the suggestion. I still wonder if I can handle being up there alone, though, I anticipate that it will seem totally unnatural, weird, awkward, hurtful. I need to think this through a bit more, maybe just a day hike in to scatter her ashes makes more sense than a week alone in the high country. We'll see.

So, I'm in a very strange place right now. As I was leaving my condo to visit a neighbor's party this Memorial Day (very appropriate for my loss and future anniversaries of it, if I don't say so myself) weekend I was about to close my door behind me when I said, "it's not like I have a dog anymore to worry about getting out, why close it?" in a very sarcastic manner. Then when I came home and saw the door open I said, "yeah, it's open, not like I have a dog anymore to get out, so what's the big deal?". I'm very sarcastic - translation, bitter. It's not me, but it is me right now. I can't help it. I am what I am. God, I miss my little girl, I spend time with friends like I did today, and come home and still feel like none of it matters, I lost my precious puppy, my bestist little baby, everything else is complete and total BS to me right now. I don't know which stage of grief this is, but I'm surely in it. I want her back. I miss her dearly. I know I can never have it again. I'm really PO'd. She should be with me. Kahlua, you should be here with me, and I can't quite fully accept that you won't be ever again. It kills me.

I also die over and over and over (and over) inside so many times a day knowing that your last few hours were so painful. It was my job to protect you, always and forever. I told you that soooo many times these past few years. And I couldn't do it for you when you needed me the most. I failed. I tried so hard to help you keep going and I failed you. And I let you feel so much pain at the end, pain I was charged with protecting you from. I am so, so sorry, baby, I should have done more to keep you from that. Please forgive me little girl, please forgive me.

Kahlua, I love you with all my heart, and all my soul, forever and ever. I love you with all my heart, forever and ever. You'll always be with me. I'm just so terribly sorry I let you down at the end, I just did the best I knew how...but if I had only known...! I LOVE YOU KAHLUA, I LOVE YOU. I pray you can hear me reaching out to you and you will forgive me. I just did the best I knew how. My precious, precious little girl.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Maybe you will think I'm reaching for a way to console you about your baby girl's last hours and frankly...I am, but I think your vet bears some of the responsibility for Kahlua's pain.

When my Mack was dying of cancer, because my poor boy had spent so much time with vets and been dragged half way across Texas to the specialty vets in Austin, I very much wanted him to die at home. My vet, knowing this, gave me pain meds for him. We were fortunate, and he died peacefully in my arms, before I had to use them. I don't know why your vet couldn't have done the same for Kahlua.It was your job to protect her; it was the vets job to give you the tools to do so. Sometimes I think vets think of pets suffering only in terms of cure it or put them to sleep.

It's hard not to keep reliving those last hours no matter what the cir%%stances were. I think I needed to partly as a way of hanging on to my babies, Mack and Sadie, and partly to make my self believe that they were really gone...contradictory as that sounds. I can't tell you how to stop, or even that you should until you have worked through it and it stops on it's own.

I'm so sorry you lost your sweet little girl. I know how badly you hurt. And to make matters worse, you are experiencing not only grief, but post traumatic stress, in my opinion. There are very few things in this world more traumatic than helplessly watching a little one in mortal distress, an innocent one who can't tell how to help them or make their own choices. Unbearable.

I hope it helps a little that I think you were a wonderful father to Kahlua. You gave her a long life full of fun, and adventure, and joy. While you are beating yourself up, try patting yourself on the back just a little bit.

Wishing you Comfort and peace,
Dayna

[1991Baby]

Dayna, thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. I do appreciate them, it helps, but...well, you know.

Kahlua was such a special little creature, so incredibly kind hearted and with a disposition that put everyone, and every other critter at ease. I'll never forget the time I took her rollerblading in the dog park here in town when we heard a squirrel barking at her from a branch over the path. We stopped and I let her watch the squirrel. Kahlua just stared intently while the squirrel continued to bark. After a few moments the squirrel began to scurry down the tree...then stopped and headed back up. The squirrel came down the tree again...and went back up. The squirrel began to slowly work its way down the tree, coming a little closer to the ground each time...before going up. After about 10-15 minutes of up, down movements the next thing I knew the squirrel and Kahlua were literally nose to nose. I mean no more than a half an inch between noses.

It was an amazing moment. I had my hand just under Kahlua's front shoulders to pull her back the moment the squirrel swatted a claw or tried to bite her. But it never did. They held this nose to nose pose for about a full 15-20 seconds. Then the squirrel scurried back up the tree, Kahlua's chase instinct kicked in and she tried to follow (she was not an accomplished tree climber. Ladders, that's another story for another time, but not a tree climber).

For this squirrel to feel comfortable enough to get nose to nose with a dog, in a park where dogs incessantly chase squirrels (as Kahlua did regularly) was truly a moment to behold. It wasn't unusual for her, though, given that she could always work her way next to strange cats lounging under cars and around buildings. Cats that were skittish and ran from other dogs and people at the slightest encroachment on their space. It was just Kahlua's nature: non-threatening, gentle, kind, not a single natural enemy on earth and no fear within her because of her sense of self.

Kahlua was truly an amazing and special blessing upon me, and all who ever met her. I miss her. She didn't deserve her ending. She was better than that. I don't know how to come to terms with it. She was the bestist little girl in the whole wide world. I love her and miss her beyond comprehension.

[Jon730]

At least healing will start with accepting closure. It will take a long time, and we work things out as best we can. Regrets will not help you, but your story may help others who keep putting off the inevitable. I went though all that as well, the recriminations. "If only I had watched her more closely, and reacted sooner", etc.
I think everyone will agree it is a bad place to go, because it does no good, and prevents healing.

The reality is what it is, bad as it is, and has to be accepted so that Life can flow around it, like a rock in a stream.
And even a rock in a stream gets worn down eventually.
It may be there for a million years, but it does keep getting smaller.

[Lenny's Dad]

What you said about leaving and returning (with the door) rings so true. I keep saying to myself the same sort of things. 'Oh it doesnt matter if I hold the front door wide open now, I don't have lenny.' or 'it doesnt matter about ... blablabla.... because he's not here anymore'. I think it's a sort of self punishment in some ways. Punishing ourselves for feeling bad, punishing ourselves for not feeling bad enough. I don't know but I know you're not along in that.


And I know that you are going to keep punishing yourself about your last few hours together. If you made a mistake it was only because it didn't seem so real at the time and you wanted to keep the two of you together. The future is always uncertain and we can't always do 'the right thing' because at the time it doesnt seem right. I couldn't blame you for that, no-one here could and I guarentee Kahlua doesn't.

They love us and trust us to protect them. They do not expect us to be perfect or infalliable. Just to try our best. Which you did. Which I did. You'd have beaten off a lion or a bear to protect Kahlua - you'd probably have sacrificed your own life to save her - I am sure of it, as I am sure I would have for Lenny. Remember that. They love us despite our not being perfect. We need to learn from that. She would only love you more for wanting to be together that little longer, whatever the cost.

[goliath]

I've thought more about taking her ashes on my next camping trip. I have serious concerns about being able to do it . This will be the first time I will have ever gone campng without her in my life.

In less than two weeks our family will be going on our first camping trip since Goliath passed away. This event will be yet another first without him with us. Goliath always rode on the dash of the RV and laid on his big forest green pillow and watched out at everything. I remember how all the other campers used to see him laying up there and smile. Often the kids would come by and ask if he could come out and play. One of the reasons Goliath was such a social chihuahua is because when he was just a puppy we used to "play pass the puppy" in large groups of people. He became a real pied piper.

Because Goliath was included in everything we did, each event that comes along with the good weather months is a challenge now. These firsts bring so many memories of our past events and adventures. We have yet to go out in our boat. That is the one event that may just be my hardest to do without him.

As you miss your precious Kahlua, may you be blessed in remembering him in your happier days together.

[havana]

So sorry for your loss and every time I am reading here what posted go on tears of sadness for you. I'm also going to pass for the same thing cause my baiby boy Buster has tumors in his nose and it is already difficult for him to take a breath, I know our time together is getting smaller and smaller and it is killing me already, I which you the best and please pray for my baby boy Buster bacause I know that a prayer comming from a good person like you will get to God's ears sonner, God Bless.