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Posted by: 1991Baby May 3 2008, 04:38 PM

My little Kahlua turned 17 a month ago. I looked at her and thought we might have a shot of getting her to voting age. But the past few weeks have been bad, and the past few days even worse. Her appetite began diminishing a few weeks ago, I tried altering her diet, giving her different things to get her to eat, she accepted food up until about 3-4 days ago. She's only eaten enough food to fit in my fist since then. I took her to the vet today - her urine was deep yellow, the vet said she is dehydrated to, we gave her an IV. She was 26 lbs, now she's 19 lbs.

The vet said it would be okay to let her go today, but I said I wasn't ready. I'm just not ready to lose my little girl. She means the world to me. This news devestates me. The vet was able to get Kahlua to take some food by forcing it on her tongue. I'm going to try to do the same thing. The vet said if she takes a small can a day she'll be okay, but the end is approaching and there's not much we can do about it.

I am so not ready for this. I've tried to steel myself and mentally prepare for a long time, first posting here 6-8 months ago. This is going to tear me up something fierce. I just want to hold her and hug her and spend every last minute I have with her while she is of this earth. I'm in so much pain and anguish now. I don't want to torture her by watching her starve to death out of my own selfish needs to hold on. But I'm just not ready to call it. This will kill a huge part of my insides. I hope to have the wisdom and compassion to recognize when she's crossed a humane line and make the call. Oh, dear God, why, why, why, I love her so much.

Posted by: Stitch May 3 2008, 05:17 PM

Its a difficult time, but this is when you love someone so much that you take on your pain yourself. She is hurting, and can't tell you how much...she WILL be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge, so dont lose hope. Give her love, and take on her pain.

Hope this helps
Stitch

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn May 3 2008, 06:29 PM

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I don't care to count the number of times I've been there myself. It's unbearable. You and Kahlua are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted.

Mack and Sadies Mom,
Dayna

Posted by: goliath May 3 2008, 06:37 PM

I am so sorry to hear that Kahlua's health is failing. You will know when the time is right to let her go. What you think is what is important. Follow your heart and look within yourself. The answer you are seeking is there.

When Goliath died so suddenly in my arms that fateful night, it about killed me. I too asked WHY WHY WHY??? Though I still don't understand why, I trust there is a reason. I also have faith that one day we will be reunited in a place where there is no disease, no death, no evil. The place I speak of is Heaven, where only complete love and harmony exists forever and ever.

Take this time with Kahlua and comfort and enjoy the love you have together. When and if the time comes that you "have to make the call," you will know what to do. You and Kahlua will remain bonded in your hearts even after death. There is no changing that and nobody can ever take it away from you.

May you be comforted in love and compassion during this painful time of your life. You found a special love in knowing your precious Kahlua and that makes you very special too. Many people are never blessed in having this kind of love connection with a human or an animal. YOU have been blessed.

Please come back and talk with us. There are so many loving and understanding people here. When I first came in January of this year I was crippled up in pain and thought the future held no happiness anymore for me. I was wrong. There is a way to find happiness and the encouragement to go on. This is what you will find in this forum. By the exchanges of dialogue here we help each other to recover. This place is part of my family and I will forever give thanks for having found them.

Posted by: sheltiecalicolover May 3 2008, 06:38 PM

All I can do right now is pray for you, and I am. This is an excruciating time for you and nothing can make it any easier. You will get through it, and it will be awful but that is because your love for Kahlua runs so deep. You have been going through anticipatory grief for a long time now which will help a little bit but I can tell you from my experience that it just hurts SO DARN BAD that you can't stand it. Just cry (if you are a crier) and don't deny yourself any of your grieving no matter what anyone says to you. Pay close attention to Kahlua and you will know when it is time for you to make the decision. Then just ask for strength and you will receive enough strength to get through, even if it is just minute by minute or second by second. Snuggle your little Kahlua and love her, and know how lucky she is to have you!!!

Posted by: 1991Baby May 4 2008, 11:30 AM

I'm just a wreck. Just spending the weekend sobbing, hugging and laying next to my little girl. I don't want to let her go. I'm begging her to eat and drink more, hand feeding her and scooping her water to lick off my fingers. She still has her ever-present smile across her face, such a pretty little face. I can't bear to think I'll never see this face again in this lifetime. Such a lover, such a little lover she is.

Thank you to all your comforting posts. This is the worst of times. My family lives far away, I'm not date-ing anyone now who could help console me, my close friends are pretty cool customers with their emotions, so no outlet there. This is a terrible time. I feel a hole being carved from my heart right now that I can't see ever being filled. Oh, Kahlua, please hang in here awhile longer.

Posted by: LoveThem May 4 2008, 12:45 PM

I'm sorry for what you and your baby are going through at this time. I do agree with what Stitch replied above to you. You might have forgotten but you did post in December 2007. It might help you at this time to go back to your thread there and read what you wrote and what others wrote. You might find some answers there.

I had a spaniel as a child and she did not live to be 17. In fact I have never had a pet live that long. You have been blessed with many years with your baby and I understand how hard the decision is to let her be at peace...especially the first time we have to make it. I know I will never forget my first time that I had total responsibility for that decision. But that is something that comes with having these special ones in our lives. It is the many years of happiness with them that we have to concentrate on...the sadness cannot be avoided..it is a part of life. I totally agree that these thoughts and fact do not make it any easier when the time comes.

One "Mom" who lost her baby said: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.

My Little Guy was also born in 1991 and I lost him in September at age 16 1/2. I have to remember that I had 16 years and a couple of months of a happy, healthy baby, and although he had a problem for about 8 weeks at the end but the vet said maybe there was a tiny bit of hope I kept in contact with her weekly and watched him daily looking for good signs of which there were few. With him, I don't know when I actually would have made the decision but when he dragged himself from the back of our home to our living room and fell down, we thought he had died and rushed him to the ER when we saw he was still breathing. But his x-rays showed he was really starting to suffocate so we had to make an immediate decision. The vet could drain his chest (painful) but he could breathe but as soon as the fluid came back (and it would), the whole thing would start over again. I just told the vet I didn't want him to suffer and if there was no cure, well my decision was he should not suffer. He gave me so many years of unconditional love and happiness..the least I could do is give him peace. We were lucky to be home when he had his emergency else he would have died alone and suffered..I did not want to come home to that. I have enough sadness and grief having to make the decision to pick the time as if I were God..I hate that decision and I always will but the years of happiness makes me feel no regrets for giving a home to any of my babies.

Actually, my first time I had just gotten a puppy so I had 2 babies and when I came home alone, the puppy demanded my attention and helped me through my grief. I had to put down a 3 year old so I was very unprepared to make that decision but when the time comes that they become ill their age has no meaning to whatever made them ill...it can happen at any age. I asked a vet on 1 baby who I knew wasn't in pain but who was not living a normal life when to make such a decision. His advice was when I saw they had no quality of life. I let that be my guide as they are not always in pain when it is time but can become terribly disabled due to some diseases.

I did always involve my vet in my decision if I wasn't certain. They are not allowed to say Yes or No but they can tell you what is going on and how your baby is feeling. So I would take what the vet says into consideration and also watch my baby on a daily basis as to her quality of living and hope one day I know when it is time. It is probably the highest degree of love we are capable of giving them even though it breaks our hearts and changes our lives forever.

It is a very very sad subject but it is a part of what we go through by opening our hearts and homes to these special ones. Their love for us is always unconditional and we cannot get that from a fellow human. I wish I had never lost any of the ones I have had but as each one left, I did open my heart and home to another one and while we have no choice when it is their time to leave us, we do have a choice to continue inviting another into our home and I have never regreted having any of the ones I had. It is so hard to exist without that unconditional love once you have had it. It just lights up our world.

I will say what helps me today is having taken pictures of all the ones I have had. Pictures help keep the memories alive and when the time does come for them to leave us...it is the good memories as shown by our pictures that seem to help us the most. I also have a bit of fur and their favorite toy that I have kept. that's as close physically as I can be with them now.

I wish you and Kahlua more quality time together. It might help for you to talk to your vet ...not about making the decision but about how he thinks she is doing on a daily basis and if there are signs you should look for that would tell you the time is getting close to consider the decision, and then just love her, hug her, as much as you can..and watch her to be sure she is doing okay.

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn May 4 2008, 03:14 PM

I'm thinking of you and your loved one today. Hoping it will bring you memories of love that will light you through the darkness that will come, rembering that it is coming for you...not for her.

Having said that, I'm wondering if you have considered getting a second opinion, ( or if you have and I missed it in my reading of your previous posts ). In my experience, even the best vets sometimes miss something. NO ethical vet would suggest any expensive extraordinary measure. but sometimes different vets know of a therapy, or treatment...or just have a special knack with certain conditions that the vet across the street does not. Also I certainly think LOVETHEM's suggestion about talking to your vet about signs , or how she is doing on a daily basis is very sensible. If you can bring yourself ( and I know how hard this is) to establish in your own mind a firm..." I will ask her to bear this much...AND NO MORE", then you will be better able to enjoy the time you have. Personally, I trust your instincts.

meanwhile many hugs to you both,
Dayna

Posted by: 1991Baby May 11 2008, 06:52 AM

Kahlua girl is still with me. She's eating sporadically, earlier in the week and mid-week I had to force feed her, but she's started taking food on her own the past couple of days. I think the dramatic weight loss has stopped, she's still underweight, but not losing any more as far as I can tell.

I'm treasuring every moment I have with her, holding her, cuddling with her, giving her countless kisses. I went through all my pictures and pulled out all the ones with her in it. I've gotten so used to her being a senior citizen that the memories the pics spurred are dramatic, almost like a totally different dog I had "back in the day". I've almost forgotten that it was just two years ago she was still running with me up mountain trails, leaping 2-3 stairs in a single bound, playing "catch me if you can" (and I still couldn't keep up with her at 15) with me up and down the street. Gosh, she's been one heck of a companion for so much of my adult life.

Losing her will be severing the last tie to so many different stages of my life. I think the symbolism of that is almost as distressing as actually losing her. I'm trying to get to be at peace with the inevitable. I relish all these moments I have left with her. I'm actually kind of PO'd at the vet for saying it would be okay to put her down last Saturday. Having shared this week with her, and her spirit still strong I realize I would have killed her, as opposed to setting her free, if I followed the vet's advice when she still had life to share with me in her. I tell ya, I'm not listening to that vet again, I'm going to trust my instincts and wait for her to look in my eyes and cue me on when it's right.

I totally understand some of the posts where people are mad at the vet or themselves for giving up on their beloved furry friends too soon. I can't, I won't put her down a moment too soon, and if I err at all it will be slightly to the waiting too long side - but not to where I'm putting her through prolonged unnecessary pain. I need to be with her and she needs to be with me up until the last moment it is worthwhile.

I think I'm going to have a house vet come to my home and spare her the trauma of an unfamiliar, cold room. Then I'll take her to the Dumb Friends League and have her cremated. And I'll make a point of going to our favorite camping spots this summer to spread her ashes in the mountains on high. She's Daddy's Little Girl, and seeing all the pics from our times in the Rockies compels me to make sure she is free to run up there forever and ever.

Posted by: Lenny's Dad May 11 2008, 09:19 AM

It's heartbreaking I know. My heart is still breaking - it was 4 weeks ago this tuesday. One thing I am sure of is that you will know when the time is right. Until it's right, you won't be able to do it. When it's right, you won't be able not to do it.

We had the vet come to the house. For us, and for Lenny, it was definately the right thing to do. Just as we were with him all day every day in the last week. He needed us near him all the time.

I didn't think I could do it. I thought about it before hand and there was no way I could do it. But when it came down to it, the love we had was so great that the worst thing I had to do became possible. He had passed the point of his tolerance and my feelings, my pain, didn't matter. Only he mattered.

Keep coming here. Everyone here is so supportive. I thought I was the only one to feel as I do until I came here. I'm still in pain, I'm still prone to crying, I'm still devestated. But it's early days. And knowing you are not alone - it helps.

Posted by: LoveThem May 11 2008, 11:05 AM

Reading your last reply it really sounds as though you are doing all the things you will always be glad you did. I am glad to hear she is doing somewhat better and you are getting some more quality time together. When they are gone, physically, unfortunately, that is forever, but they do remain in our hearts for all time. But each day we can truthfully hug them and love them is a real blessing and I wish you all the best and lots of days with your baby. You have the right attitude...hold onto that.

Hugs to both of you, keep writing and letting us know how she is doing and post some of those pictures you were talking about.
Pictures can make us smile and we all need that moment in time every so often.

Posted by: Furkidlets' Mom May 13 2008, 01:34 AM

I only have a moment here, so I just wanted to pass on this information to you, in case it might be of some help. There's a vet named Dr. Tina Ellenbogen, in Seattle, who provides hospice info. & guidelines to those interested in home care for their ailing beloveds. I don't know where you live, but if it's within her area (Bothel, WA), she makes house calls for this type of care, and even if you don't live there, she does telephone consults or email consults. Her phone # is 425-485-7387 and she's happy to provide people with detailed information on how to minister to the needs of their furbabies when they're ailing. (she also knows and has liased some with Dr. Ella Bittel, the vet who's helping educate people about all the options of letting their babies go (natural death, euthanasia, palliative care, hospice care at home, etc.).

There is also Martha Norwalk, an animal behaviorist and communicator, who apparently provides one FREE on-phone "evaluation" if needed......although I'm not exactly sure if this applies to only behavior issues or if it's a communication, for whatever problem.

As well, I'd also just heard about the International Vet. Association For Pain Management, which is available publicly for information at www.IVAPM.org .

I just hadn't had time to post all of this on a separate post anywhere yet, but it sounds like you might want or need these resources now, so I'm mentioning it now, regardless.

I also agree that I think you've got your head on really straight in how you're dealing with and thinking about your girl. I'd also agree about getting a 2nd opinion, just in case, although of course that means hauling Kahlua to another clinic, which isn't the greatest, so only you can weigh that option. It's so terribly hard to make all these kinds of decisions, as all of us here know. I'm not being very eloquent right now, as it's late and I'm bagged, but my heart is empathizing with you and your girl just the same.

Wishing the both of you all the strength, love and connective wisdom in the universe to help you through whatever is to come!

Posted by: 1991Baby May 18 2008, 04:56 AM

I am having so much difficulty with this. I've searched other websites to get some guidance on euthanasia and when it is the right time. So many of them say that if your pet is incontinent (Kahlua is), doesn't do basic life survival things like eating on her own (Kahlua doesn't much), is in pain (I watch Kahlua walk in circles trying to lay down with so much unease) that it is probably time to let go. There was a fourth area that Kahlua is still ok in, but 1 out of 4 doesn't bode well.

All that being said, when I hold her, lay her across my body and chest and look down at her big brown eyes staring up at me I see life... and a big smile. It's as if all of her ills go away as long as I'm holding her. When she can look up at me, feeling my touch, all is well for her. Also, when she wanders outside she is so much happier ( I live on the fourth story of a condominium, so no yard, just landings unless I take her to the park down the street). She just hung outside tonight and laid down next to some plants and seemed so happy to be there. I'm in a slow part of my business year and work from home, so cleaning up after her and giving her additional attention is not a burden by any stretch. But the indicators these websites give are all against her in her current state.

While they all say it is a deeply personal decision, and only I know best, I gotta say, they're not much help given where I'm at. I know she's in a tough place, and this day is probably the healthiest day she has left in her life (as each successive day will be). I just can't make the call yet. I am so tormented by this time. I won't, I can't pull the plug on her as long as I can look at the life in her eyes. I know I can't do it at this moment, I hope I don't sound cruel to others, I just can't. The only clear line I know I've drawn is if I see her in major discomfort and stress. I don't know if I should draw a line closer in to that standard, which is probably asking her to bear too much. I just can't say goodbye forever with her eyes trained on me in the loving, contented way she still does in while she's in my arms.

Posted by: Jon730 May 18 2008, 06:31 AM

With animals, they try hard not to let the World know they are sick and vulnerable, because in Nature, they become prey or outcast. Just like the proverbial man in denial who will not see a doctor, they will say "I'm fine!".
My relationship with Miles was the most intense, deep relationship I ever had with a lliving creature. When I saw the XRays of her riddled with cancer, I was amazed at the effort she put in to purring. She did that to make me feel better.
I did not think it was fair to make her continue to struggle to do that. She purred till the last.
To be fair to her, I had to ask "Who am I keeping her alive for, her or me?"
My healing would not begin till I accepted closure. It still hurts, a lot, and will for a long time. But it is not hurting her.

That's the best I can offer. She has been gone for two months now. We all know how you feel and what a terrible place it is. Someone on here remarked that having a special friend is the only time you really pay for something at the end, not the beginning. It is especially bad when they have been with you and shared a significant portion of your life.

Posted by: LoveThem May 18 2008, 11:03 AM

I understand exactly what Jon is saying as being the truth. I have been through this more than once and it is the worst of times.
All I know is this is the one decision these babies are unable to make for themselves...they trust us as only we can decide how things will end.

Only you know how different your baby's life is. You know you see love in her eyes just as you love her. Because of that strong love, you know they would never want to leave us and would endure whatever they had to...to be with us. But we love them too and that is what makes it all so terribly hard to make a decision that is so final.

Jon asked the right questions of himself. You might think about having a talk with your vet at this time and while he cannot advise you what to do..he can answer questions about how he thinks your baby is doing....how long would he think she has on her own and what can be expected as the days go by. These are difficult questions because the decision is really the most difficult one to make for anyone.

Hugs to the two of you...love her and hug her each day...and think about talking to your vet again...it might help you.

Posted by: goliath May 18 2008, 11:58 AM

This is so true. We make decisions based on the information we have available to us. When we have a connection so strong with a furlove, they love us and trust us with every choice we make for them.

Follow what your heart tells you what to do.

Posted by: Jer May 19 2008, 10:37 AM

The best advice I ever got was at a site I stumbled on - about when you know its time to put a pet you love down.
Its on a site that sells cremation urns - I'll try to post the link here - its how to cope with pet loss but at the top there is a piece written by a veternarian.
http://www.ashestoashes.com/How-to-cope-with-pet-loss.htm

Posted by: 1991Baby May 22 2008, 04:01 AM

Oh, my God!

I've gone too long. My baby is in pain, so much pain. It's 3 in the morning and there's nothing I can do for several hours for her. Oh my God, this is it, this is our goodbye and she's in so much pain.

Kahlua started yelping at small movements around midnight. I've been laying with her, trying to comfort her for these past few hours and she'll be okay for a spell but then have to move and start yelping again. I waited too long, I selfishly waited too long.

All I can do is hug her and kiss her when she'll let me. Once she finds a position I don't dare move her, lest I cause her pain.

This is the saddest moment of my life, I dread the somber morning that lies ahead, but I've been telling her she'll be okay very soon, and be able to chase squirrels forever after today.

I've not wanted to believe it since the vet gave me the news, wishing, hoping, praying, dreaming that she could pull through this if I just tried hard enough and helped her enough. Denial, absolute denial. Now I face the anxiety of the actual moment, the moment my baby girl is literally screaming for now. I know of the stages of grief that will follow, but now all I care about is easing the pain for her until daybreak and the vet opens. I wish, I desperately wish there was something I could do for her.

Posted by: katzen11 May 22 2008, 06:17 AM

1991Baby
Kahlua,
i am so very sorry.
i have been together with a wonderful boxergirl 10 years,
and quite a few precious cats.
me, and we all together know, how hard it is, to let a good friend go.
i can imagine her, smell her, i can feel her warmth,
i can feel my heart pound so loud and violent, making this last decision
you will have a lot of good memories of your beloved dog,
yours, Eva

Posted by: sheltiecalicolover May 22 2008, 01:23 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. This part really stinks. I am praying for your comfort. Please don't doubt yourself. Your love for Kahlua (and her love for you) is what has kept you and her going for so long.

Posted by: forduffy May 22 2008, 02:00 PM

I am so very sorry for you. I have tears in my eyes because what you are describing happened to me with Duffy. I fought my family not to have him euthanized and it wasn't until the day that one of his tumors started bleeding and I knew that he was miserable that I stopped arguing with them. I remember how he would not be able to get comfortable and would circle around and around before settling down. We are all here for you. Please know that we understand and that it will be painful for you but not for her, ultimately. It will be her relief. It's the least we can do for them after they have given us their all. I wish you peace.

Posted by: 1991Baby May 22 2008, 02:41 PM

I've started a new thread - "Kahlua & Squirrels". My baby is gone. I took her in as soon as the vet opened this morning. It was a terrible night, one I never dreamed would happen like it did. I know I ought not second guess, but I did take note of her trying to crawl under the bed and get behind the furniture yesterday. I remarked to myself, "she's looking for a place to die". I still thought she could make it to today, maybe Friday at the latest. But when she was ready to go, she knew it, I should have listened to her.

The screams she let out, and the the seizures she started having around 4 were heartwrenching, I died over and over and over for her. I never wanted her last few hours to be so horrible. I should have heeded her warning signals yesterday. I'm so mad at myself and feel terrible for trying to stretch her out too long.

That said, she's chasing squirrels now, and has no more pain. She is at peace. My precious baby girl is finally at peace. I love her so, so much, always and forever and ever. My daddy's little baby Kahlua lives inside me, but the whole in my heart from her passing is immeasurable and unfillable right now.

Kahlua, I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn May 22 2008, 06:13 PM

I'm so sorry...

Dayna

Posted by: Lenny's Dad May 23 2008, 08:06 AM

It took Lenny having what I believe were seizures before I really made up my mind. He might well have been in lots of pain - he had such a tolerance no-one was ever sure.

I know it's pointless saying it, but please don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you left it too long, maybe you didn't. Your time together was all about love and no one - including kahlua - would blame you for wanting to prolong her life.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you both, so very sorry.

Posted by: 1991Baby May 23 2008, 01:01 PM

They just called and told me her ashes were ready. I'm just a sobbing wreck. I couldn't sleep much last night. As each hour passed I was remembering how terrible that same moment was the night before. This morning has been miserable. Walking around my place I feel and walk like a zombie. A thought just causes me to start bawling. The call about her ashes just sent me over the top. They had told me it would be a week. I hurt so, so bad.

I've read the advice of LoveThem on another thread to consciously try to remember 2 good memories every time a bad one creeps in. Trying to, but not working yet. I've attached some of the photos I have of her. All of these are in the past two years. I'll have to scan her earlier pics that aren't digital. She had such a precious face, such a gentle and loving diposition, she gave so much of herself to me and everyone who gave her the time of day. I LOVE YOU KAHLUA, ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

Posted by: 1991Baby May 23 2008, 01:10 PM

more pics

Posted by: goliath May 23 2008, 01:59 PM

I am so sorry your last moments with Kahlua were so horrible. Judy is so right when she says to allow yourself two good memories for each bad memory. Over time the good ones will be those that stand out in your mind. Because of all the moments you and Kahlua shared together there will be more for you to feel joyful about.

How lucky you were to have found such a love to share your life with.

May you blessed in the comfort of knowing you and Kahlua shared in such an everlasting and bonded love.

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn May 23 2008, 03:11 PM

Thanks for sharing the pics ...what a long wonderful life you gave her. A life to be celebrated. I know it's hard, but you'll get there.

Dayna

Posted by: LoveThem May 23 2008, 07:22 PM

Substituting good memories for sad ones will work but it takes time and practice. It never hurts to try it anytime but it will take time to train your mind to reject the sadness.

Right now it is too soon since you lost her. This is the time we do a lot of crying and grieving until we are too exhausted to cry anymore. Then we start thinking of good memories as often as we can and especially when we feel a sad one coming on.

Whatever feels right for grieving is right. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like venting, vent. If you feel like writing a letter to your baby and telling her your thoughts and how much you miss her...sometimes that helps.

And even though we eventually heal enough to not let the sadness overwhelm us everyday, there will always be days, we will just feel like breaking down and crying...that's ok to do.

Whatever makes you feel better at the time is the right thing to do at that moment.

You posted some beautiful pictures of Kahlua and the good memories are looking at the pictures and remembering how things were when you took them. What helped me was to put pictures of my Little Guy in every room and when I walk into a room, our eyes touch, and I like that. He is a part of me that will always be but I miss the physical presence and the pictures help with that part of things. We thank them and treasure all the good things they were a part of. I push away any sad pictures when his quality of life was starting to change. I want to remember him as he would want to be remembered. Happy, healthy, and full of love and life. That's my boy..forever.

Posted by: Lenny's Dad May 23 2008, 08:43 PM

LoveThem is right - is is a little early to expect much improvement in how you feel. There are no easy answers to this, no quick fixes. And it is going to hurt. But, over time, it will hurt less.

After a month, I'm only ok when totally distracted. I only have to look at lenny's picture and I lose it. But cir%%stances are forcing me to be distracted. Which is partly why I am not dealing with it too well.

I believe that an important part of this lies in not suppressing or rejecting your grief. You have to express it. It is part of dealing with it. To get to that point where the wonderful, positive joy of having loved and been loved by kahlua brings only joy again rather than sadness, you have to cross this torrent of distress.

Sometimes I think the sadness is much greater of loss than the joy we shared. But the thought that I might never have spent our life together is far worse, and I know lenny gave me so much more happiness than the sadness (read misery) that I am feeling now. I am kept going by the fact that I want him to know that the sum total of his being with me was not sadness but fantastic joy. So I struggle on.

You will struggle on. It will be hard, but you will struggle on. Because of your friendship and love with kahlua, and because of your feelings now, you are a wonderful person and the world could do with more like you. Those photos literally do tell a thousand words each. You both have been extremely lucky with only one big dark spot which had to come - and always does too soon and too painfully.

Posted by: 1991Baby May 24 2008, 03:31 AM

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm a mess. I just came in from a night out, but coming back into my home is devastating. Strange enough, I met a woman tongiht with the local shelter that I took Kahlua to on Thursday mornng. She's more involved in promotions and fundraising, but she totally knew where I was coming from on Thursday. My trauma is apparently not disturbingly unique.

I've thought more about taking her ashes on my next camping trip. I have serious concerns about being able to do it . This will be the first time I will have ever gone campng without her in my life. I will have to go through a stage where I question my capacity to be a great father after going through her hurt. I am still coming to terms with Kahlua being gone. I don't think I have it in me to camp on my own. It's never happened in my life. Fear is a good instinct to have.

Posted by: goliath May 24 2008, 06:49 AM

Sometimes confronting fears opens a door for closure and growth. Eventually you will confront that fear and conquer it.

When Goliath passed away I didn't think I could do any of the things we liked to do together again. I remember the first walk I took this Spring. After I had Gidget on her leash and we headed for the door, I nearly turned back. The tears were already coming before we walked out the door. Then I got to thinking.............Goliath would WANT ME to continue to do the things he loved to do. That was part of our happiness together. So Gidget and I headed out the door and at first it was hard. Goliath used to prance along during our walks like a little clydesdale horse. Knees high....front paws curled inward.....head high.............tail wagging all the way. Before long Gidget and I were prancing right along and I started singing "You are my sunshine.........my only sunshine....you make me happy when skies are gray.............." I sang other songs too and before I knew it my head was up and Gidget and I continued that walk and felt great about it. As hard as it was for me to risk feeling torn up all over again, I found I could overcome fear.

Kahlua would want you to continue doing the things you and she loved doing together. It was her priority to see to it that you were loved and happy, just as it was important to you that she was happy during her life. Open up your heart and let her love shine in.

Your loss is so brand new. Give yourself lots of time and be patient. In time your happier memories of her will surface and you will find yourself feeling happier again. Those memories you and Kahlua made together over the years is your treasure chest of love. This belongs to you because this is the gift they leave when one loved so much passed away. Kahlua's spirit is alive and well in your heart. Let her sweet loving soul fill your heart completely. All the love she had for you is there. Find it and let her sunshine radiate all around you.

May you be blessed and give thanks for all you had with your little girl Kahlua.

Much love to you at this difficult time you are struggling so hard with.

Posted by: LoveThem May 24 2008, 11:04 AM

I see nothing wrong with taking her ashes on your camping trips...but I would also take a favorite picture. That way your first trip won't seem so alone. You can talk to her and I find a picture helps cause I can look into my boy's beautiful eyes that are locked on mine through the camera lens and feel a connection to his spirit. It might even be for you a bit of closure...something you dread doing the first time and once you do it.....you will have gone through the hardest one.

It is okay to do what helps you feel better now. If you went camping and didn't take her, would that make everything seem so much sadder? Either way, you would be thinking of her and by taking her and/or her picture..you can know that you have her with you at that time..the best way you can have her physically around. Whatever feels "right" to you will be the right thing to do for you at this time.

Of course, someday you may find a little puppy that looks like a Kahlua, Junior and you can tell him or her on a camping trip about the wonderful sister that is so much a part of your life that you always want to share her with everyone.

When I lost my Little Guy in September, he was the last of 3 siblings and my favorite since he was a tiny kitten born in my backyard in May 1991. So it had been many years of furbabies in my home and I found when he was taken...I needed a distraction from the emptiness and grieving that was so exhausting...so I did go to the local SPCA and found Lucky, who physically and especially from a distance looks very similar to my twin boys but has his own personality and needed a home and just loves people so much. When I looked into his eyes...I felt a special connection. I am thankful for his distraction because I can't bring back my baby boy but I feel lost without that special unconditional love they give us and Lucky needed someone to give his love to. It is not the same as Lucky can never take my boy's place but since I can't have my boy, I still can love having a baby boy to hug and let him know he is not alone anymore in this world and neither am I.

Posted by: 1991Baby May 26 2008, 12:45 AM

Bringing several pictures will help, thank you LoveThem for the suggestion. I still wonder if I can handle being up there alone, though, I anticipate that it will seem totally unnatural, weird, awkward, hurtful. I need to think this through a bit more, maybe just a day hike in to scatter her ashes makes more sense than a week alone in the high country. We'll see.

So, I'm in a very strange place right now. As I was leaving my condo to visit a neighbor's party this Memorial Day (very appropriate for my loss and future anniversaries of it, if I don't say so myself) weekend I was about to close my door behind me when I said, "it's not like I have a dog anymore to worry about getting out, why close it?" in a very sarcastic manner. Then when I came home and saw the door open I said, "yeah, it's open, not like I have a dog anymore to get out, so what's the big deal?". I'm very sarcastic - translation, bitter. It's not me, but it is me right now. I can't help it. I am what I am. God, I miss my little girl, I spend time with friends like I did today, and come home and still feel like none of it matters, I lost my precious puppy, my bestist little baby, everything else is complete and total BS to me right now. I don't know which stage of grief this is, but I'm surely in it. I want her back. I miss her dearly. I know I can never have it again. I'm really PO'd. She should be with me. Kahlua, you should be here with me, and I can't quite fully accept that you won't be ever again. It kills me.

I also die over and over and over (and over) inside so many times a day knowing that your last few hours were so painful. It was my job to protect you, always and forever. I told you that soooo many times these past few years. And I couldn't do it for you when you needed me the most. I failed. I tried so hard to help you keep going and I failed you. And I let you feel so much pain at the end, pain I was charged with protecting you from. I am so, so sorry, baby, I should have done more to keep you from that. Please forgive me little girl, please forgive me.

Kahlua, I love you with all my heart, and all my soul, forever and ever. I love you with all my heart, forever and ever. You'll always be with me. I'm just so terribly sorry I let you down at the end, I just did the best I knew how...but if I had only known...! I LOVE YOU KAHLUA, I LOVE YOU. I pray you can hear me reaching out to you and you will forgive me. I just did the best I knew how. My precious, precious little girl.

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn May 26 2008, 01:44 AM

Maybe you will think I'm reaching for a way to console you about your baby girl's last hours and frankly...I am, but I think your vet bears some of the responsibility for Kahlua's pain.

When my Mack was dying of cancer, because my poor boy had spent so much time with vets and been dragged half way across Texas to the specialty vets in Austin, I very much wanted him to die at home. My vet, knowing this, gave me pain meds for him. We were fortunate, and he died peacefully in my arms, before I had to use them. I don't know why your vet couldn't have done the same for Kahlua.It was your job to protect her; it was the vets job to give you the tools to do so. Sometimes I think vets think of pets suffering only in terms of cure it or put them to sleep.

It's hard not to keep reliving those last hours no matter what the cir%%stances were. I think I needed to partly as a way of hanging on to my babies, Mack and Sadie, and partly to make my self believe that they were really gone...contradictory as that sounds. I can't tell you how to stop, or even that you should until you have worked through it and it stops on it's own.

I'm so sorry you lost your sweet little girl. I know how badly you hurt. And to make matters worse, you are experiencing not only grief, but post traumatic stress, in my opinion. There are very few things in this world more traumatic than helplessly watching a little one in mortal distress, an innocent one who can't tell how to help them or make their own choices. Unbearable.

I hope it helps a little that I think you were a wonderful father to Kahlua. You gave her a long life full of fun, and adventure, and joy. While you are beating yourself up, try patting yourself on the back just a little bit.

Wishing you Comfort and peace,
Dayna

Posted by: 1991Baby May 26 2008, 02:44 AM

Dayna, thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. I do appreciate them, it helps, but...well, you know.

Kahlua was such a special little creature, so incredibly kind hearted and with a disposition that put everyone, and every other critter at ease. I'll never forget the time I took her rollerblading in the dog park here in town when we heard a squirrel barking at her from a branch over the path. We stopped and I let her watch the squirrel. Kahlua just stared intently while the squirrel continued to bark. After a few moments the squirrel began to scurry down the tree...then stopped and headed back up. The squirrel came down the tree again...and went back up. The squirrel began to slowly work its way down the tree, coming a little closer to the ground each time...before going up. After about 10-15 minutes of up, down movements the next thing I knew the squirrel and Kahlua were literally nose to nose. I mean no more than a half an inch between noses.

It was an amazing moment. I had my hand just under Kahlua's front shoulders to pull her back the moment the squirrel swatted a claw or tried to bite her. But it never did. They held this nose to nose pose for about a full 15-20 seconds. Then the squirrel scurried back up the tree, Kahlua's chase instinct kicked in and she tried to follow (she was not an accomplished tree climber. Ladders, that's another story for another time, but not a tree climber).

For this squirrel to feel comfortable enough to get nose to nose with a dog, in a park where dogs incessantly chase squirrels (as Kahlua did regularly) was truly a moment to behold. It wasn't unusual for her, though, given that she could always work her way next to strange cats lounging under cars and around buildings. Cats that were skittish and ran from other dogs and people at the slightest encroachment on their space. It was just Kahlua's nature: non-threatening, gentle, kind, not a single natural enemy on earth and no fear within her because of her sense of self.

Kahlua was truly an amazing and special blessing upon me, and all who ever met her. I miss her. She didn't deserve her ending. She was better than that. I don't know how to come to terms with it. She was the bestist little girl in the whole wide world. I love her and miss her beyond comprehension.

Posted by: Jon730 May 26 2008, 05:13 AM

At least healing will start with accepting closure. It will take a long time, and we work things out as best we can. Regrets will not help you, but your story may help others who keep putting off the inevitable. I went though all that as well, the recriminations. "If only I had watched her more closely, and reacted sooner", etc.
I think everyone will agree it is a bad place to go, because it does no good, and prevents healing.

The reality is what it is, bad as it is, and has to be accepted so that Life can flow around it, like a rock in a stream.
And even a rock in a stream gets worn down eventually.
It may be there for a million years, but it does keep getting smaller.

Posted by: Lenny's Dad May 26 2008, 06:20 AM

What you said about leaving and returning (with the door) rings so true. I keep saying to myself the same sort of things. 'Oh it doesnt matter if I hold the front door wide open now, I don't have lenny.' or 'it doesnt matter about ... blablabla.... because he's not here anymore'. I think it's a sort of self punishment in some ways. Punishing ourselves for feeling bad, punishing ourselves for not feeling bad enough. I don't know but I know you're not along in that.


And I know that you are going to keep punishing yourself about your last few hours together. If you made a mistake it was only because it didn't seem so real at the time and you wanted to keep the two of you together. The future is always uncertain and we can't always do 'the right thing' because at the time it doesnt seem right. I couldn't blame you for that, no-one here could and I guarentee Kahlua doesn't.

They love us and trust us to protect them. They do not expect us to be perfect or infalliable. Just to try our best. Which you did. Which I did. You'd have beaten off a lion or a bear to protect Kahlua - you'd probably have sacrificed your own life to save her - I am sure of it, as I am sure I would have for Lenny. Remember that. They love us despite our not being perfect. We need to learn from that. She would only love you more for wanting to be together that little longer, whatever the cost.

Posted by: goliath May 26 2008, 09:28 AM

In less than two weeks our family will be going on our first camping trip since Goliath passed away. This event will be yet another first without him with us. Goliath always rode on the dash of the RV and laid on his big forest green pillow and watched out at everything. I remember how all the other campers used to see him laying up there and smile. Often the kids would come by and ask if he could come out and play. One of the reasons Goliath was such a social chihuahua is because when he was just a puppy we used to "play pass the puppy" in large groups of people. He became a real pied piper.

Because Goliath was included in everything we did, each event that comes along with the good weather months is a challenge now. These firsts bring so many memories of our past events and adventures. We have yet to go out in our boat. That is the one event that may just be my hardest to do without him.

As you miss your precious Kahlua, may you be blessed in remembering him in your happier days together.

Posted by: havana May 26 2008, 04:53 PM

So sorry for your loss and every time I am reading here what posted go on tears of sadness for you. I'm also going to pass for the same thing cause my baiby boy Buster has tumors in his nose and it is already difficult for him to take a breath, I know our time together is getting smaller and smaller and it is killing me already, I which you the best and please pray for my baby boy Buster bacause I know that a prayer comming from a good person like you will get to God's ears sonner, God Bless.

Posted by: jillster May 27 2008, 09:23 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I am new to the forum and I am going thru a very similar thing. My baby, Sierra, has kidney disease. It has progressed in the last month. I dont' know how much time she has left, but I am trying to make everyday count.

She got dehydrated last week and spent 24 hours at the vet getting IV fluids - how horrible did I feel. This weekend she slept a lot.

Last night she perked up and seems like her old self. She is supposed to be on a low protein diet, but that is a real struggle. I have home cooked her meals for the last 4 years and to try to get her to eat cardboard in a can does not work.

Like you, I feel extremely helpless.

I have lost many pets before and it really does not get an easier. Actually, I feel it gets harder b/c the current dying/death reminds you of those in the past. Just hold on to the happy memories and know you will see your baby again!

Posted by: 1991Baby May 31 2008, 04:31 PM

Well, I'm starting to get back out and do normal things with friends without sobbing as I mourn the loss of Kahlua. I figured I was ready to move on and then I come back in from a fun time out with friends and walking in the door realize I don't have her to greet me, or find her sleeping some place comfy in the house. It's like that emptiness I was feeling in the first few days of her loss has come rushing back. It's really a bit overwhelming seeing as how it's been ten days already. I guess I'm still hanging on to her so closely, gosh I really miss her. I miss her a whole lot.

Anyway, life just seems so much emptier without her around. There's a hole in my heart a mile wide. Just realizing that it's all as real and as final as they say is distressing. I know I'll get through this as time goes on. And I know there'll be other moments that become solemn to me as I grieve. I know I'll share happy times with other furry friends. But none will be Kahlua. She will be the funnest, classiest, most especially important and dear to me. I know it will just be that way. And so I continue to mourn her dearly. The stages of grief never seem to move as quickly as I say I want them to.

Posted by: goliath May 31 2008, 04:44 PM

It's great to hear that you at least got out with friends and had a good time. Over time the rollercoaster of emotions loses more of it's up and downs. Missing Kahlua is something you will do for the rest of your life..............but your deep pain and grief will ease up gradually.

Having the loving people here on LS to turn to for support helps us all get through the struggles of healing. Stages of grief are different for each individual as well. There is no timeline. Most of the time I can remember my Goliath with thanks and joy. Sometimes I break down all over again. We all are blessed in that we were lucky enough to have experienced such a wonderful relationship with our furbabies.

Take care

Posted by: Furkidlets' Mom May 31 2008, 08:22 PM

[I'm coming into the rest of your thread rather late here and even seemed to have missed seeing some of the more recent replies as I logged in and started typing, so please forgive my responding to only your message as of May 18 or so, but now I can't see the previous page so will have to let my reply stand as is - sorry about this!]

I'm so, so sorry to hear the sad news about your dearest Kahlua, and the panic and guilty feelings you felt about your choices, in hindsight. But it's only hindsight that we're left with, most unfortunately for all of us. And from there, we begin the long, hard struggle with our natural grief and second-guessings. It can hardly ever be helped and I'm so sorry not everything went as perfectly as you (and we) had hoped for. Sadly, it seldom ever does.

I know you're probably in total anguish now, and I'm sorry I missed the rest of this thread earlier (no email notification of same for some reason, plus away for 2 wks.), but please try not to beat yourself up for having waited as long as you did. The way I see it, sometimes there is no real way to know it's really time until things get to that point, or they do finally (and quite often suddenly) show signs of distress. For all you or anyone knows, there was no real distress for Kahlua until that moment, and maybe not really even then (read on).

I often look at at this way:
Many people have pain, too, right near their last stage, and very often I've heard of pain remediation not having been adequate for them, either, but it's not as if we even have the choice (yet?) to more swiftly end their suffering in any case. It's also rarer than not to hear of a close to perfect passing, for either us or our furbabies. So we do the best we can, at any given moment, for any situation, even these critical ones.

As well, according to pretty much every animal communicator I've ever spoken to (or read about on their websites), the animals tell them that when and if the pain gets too much for them, despite outward appearances to us, their consciousness actually leaves their bodies as needs be, and they later report that they weren't in as much, if any, distress as we think they were. I've always found it hard to believe that if this weren't really the case, there wouldn't be that many ACers who were surprised to hear about this from the animals themselves, over and over again. The animals were the ones who convinced them it must be true, and so I choose to believe it as well.

I also found comfort myself in the findings of Dr. Elizabeth Severino (with degrees up to her eyeballs in various things), who was told by the thousands of animals she ended up learning so much from, that their souls actually have an easier time transitioning the farther along into their final stages that they are, rather than when they aren't quite as ready to go on to their spiritual home/lives, and most especially if they were 'euthanized' when still young and healthy. She related how the animals also told her that they could send after-death messages/visitations to their loved ones the easiest and sooner, when they either died a natural death, or when they'd been in what they called Stage Three of dying. I read this AFTER my boy, Sabin, had passed and had started visiting me and his sister so clearly w/i a day or two afterwards, so that seemed to verify this information to me, since he had gone all on his own.....and DID have some pain, too.....but again, as verified through more than one ACer (spaced out over some time, too), that he'd been leaving his body when he'd needed to, all throughout his dying process....so even for a couple of weeks or so beforehand. He said more than once, when the guilt was killing me, that "there IS nothing to forgive." He meant, of course, that I'd done nothing wrong in his eyes, despite being so ignorant of certain things and lacking in both better help and proper information at the time.

They KNOW we were coming from our deep, deep love for them and were making the best possible choices we could muster at the time. They KNOW how we agonized over every decision (if we did), as YOU most certainly did!!! And we must also remember that were the shoe on the other foot, WE'D forgive THEM in an instant if THEY were feeling guilty about their own choices. And we'd be seeking to alleviate those feelings in them, because we love them, period. The love goes both ways, as it always did and always will. Don't forget, they love us despite our imperfections, just as we do them, and if we're really honest, many of our babies weren't really totally perfect, either, but we CHOSE to see them that way.....same as they choose to see us. The love makes this all possible and real love never dies, but just keeps growing.

You have nothing to be guilty ABOUT, even if you have to feel that way for a time. You made the effort to do your best, and that you did. You didn't fail Kahlua. You allowed her every bit of time she had to spend here with you.......is that not a gift in its own way, too?

Posted by: 1991Baby Jun 2 2008, 12:41 PM

I picked up Kahlua's ashes last Thursday, a week after she passed. They actually had called me the day after she left me and told me they were ready but it took this long to get up the courage to go and get them. I guess when I first heard it would be 7 business days my mind prepared for that, but no sooner. Then when I got there they opened up a cabinet door and picked her out of a stash of many. At that moment I felt like she had been so disrespected to be left like there all this time, and regretted not picking her up the next day.

I rode my bicycle for this trip, along much of a trail I'd ride, rollerblade and walk her on. I put her tin in my backpack and as I began to ride I felt a sudden rush of warmth come from where it was touching me. When I picked up the tin it was cool to the touch, and I was riding into the sun so the backpack was not getting direct sunlit, yet this warmth embraced me. I know, or want to believe it was Kahlua.

I know this may sound creepy, but that afternoon and night I laid down with her tin on my chest with her picture adjacent to them. I yearned for, I desperately wanted her to hug, kiss, stroke and comfort. Kahlua really is and always will be THE dog of my life. Others may also come, grow attach to and go, but none will be as special, as spectacular as Kahlua. Kind of a downer thinking about it that way, but it just is.

I'm reading some of the other posts on here and still going through a lot of second-guessing. Like should I have done the SubQ thing at home, might that have eased her along a bit longer and made her passing more bearable for her and me. A lot of woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff running through my head. I know it's not productive to do it, but hard not to when you miss something as wonderful as Kahlua, and all of the furry friends written about in this forum.

I'm flying out of town this week for a vacation with family out of state. They all knew and spent time with Kahlua. They know how big a part of my life she was to me all these years. I'm looking forward to their hugs, love and caring more than a 40+ yo man would normally let on. It's been especially tough not having a wife/girlfriend at this time to help me through this grief. My friends are great, don't get me wrong, but it just ain't the same. The loneliness and emptiness is magnified. I look forward to family and am grateful I still have so many of them still with me.

I love you Kahlua with all my heart, and all my soul, forever and ever.

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn Jun 2 2008, 04:12 PM

K's Dad,

When I picked Mackie's ashes, several days after they were ready...they were warm to my touch. I thought it was ...the sun, warmth from my own hands...it will go away, but it didn't. the little vial of his ashes that I carry on my key chain ( he always wanted to be in my truck ) is cool. But, the bulk of his ashes in their littlevelvet Rainbow Bridge bag, still feels warm to me. For that reason I have been very sparing when I scattered them in his favorite locations, and I kept most of them close to me.

It's so hard not to fall into the "if only" pit where the coulda-shouldas can get you. I still struggle with that, if I'd done Sadie's physical therapy every day instead of only three times a week she wouldn't have developed the blood clots...on and on. I did the best I could, so did you. I believe Kahlua would confirm that if she could...maybe by warming her ashes to your touch.

Dayna

Posted by: goliath Jun 2 2008, 04:43 PM

I'm sure it was Kahlua letting you know she lives within you and will warm your heart forever. Over time you will experience many different "hellos" from Kahlua. She knows she will be seeing you again one day. The sunshine she brought you on your bike ride home was sent for a reason. If your mind is open the heart will follow.

You are so blessed to have such a love as Kahlua. Many new and beautiful memories will come your way because she will see to it.

Take care and may God bless you both.

Posted by: Candy's Dad Jun 18 2008, 03:13 PM

I am reading this a month late, but wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I'm in tears at my office just reading it. Tonight I have to make the decision to put Candy to sleep, and like yourself, I don't want to do it. But I know I have to do before it get's too late.

My heart and prayers go to you and I am deeply sorry for your loss. Though you are reading this weeks after, know your story helped put my own broken heart at ease.

Thank you.

Hal - Candy's Dad

Posted by: 1991Baby Jun 23 2008, 11:49 AM

Well, I'm back from almost 3 weeks of travel. I spent a week in Florida visiting family, then went to Arizona to visit the rest of my family and spent a week camping in the Colorado rockies. Now I'm just getting back into a normal life without any pending trips or big events upcoming. I gotta say, I just feel pretty blah around here.

I spread some of Kahlua's ashes in our favorite places in Arizona and Colorado. But camping without Kahlua was...pretty blah. It just ain't the same. It ain't even half as enjoyable or worthwhile without her. To be honest, it wasn't fun or enjoyable at all. Me and my little girl camping was what it was all about. Sometimes with friends/girlfriends joining us, sometimes without. But it was always a great, relaxing, rejuevenating experience with her. Without her I couldn't wait for the week to end.

So now I'm home, in an empty house. I'm ready to move. I just can't stomach staying here much longer. I detest several of my neighbors in this condo who, a)hate dogs and b)gave me a terrible time as Kahlua was aging, slow and soiling. I always cleaned up after her (unlike a few of my other neighbors with dogs), but she was an easy target for the dog haters in the building. I can't look at them without thinking how much I'd love to curse them a blue streak and tell them where to go directly to.

The HOA president is a dog owner, but also a 20-something year old little Hitler. She gave me a hard time about Kahlua and I am sorely tempted to tell her that I hope she never has to deal with her dog getting older since she can't handle it and has no compassion for them. I can't help but want to tell her I wish a tragic premature death for her dog. I know it's mean and I shouldn't feel that way, and that her dog is an innocent victim, but I guess it is also a part of my anger phase of grief. But since they picked on Kahlua, they picked on me, and I have only hatred and contempt for them.

While I wanted to move long ago I couldn't see having to deal with the carpet and floor damage repair in my current place, as well as then having it happen in a new place while she was alive. Without that constraint, I'm gone from here probably by the end of the summer when this place gets sold. I won't miss it, though Kahlua and I lived here for over 4 years and we had some good times here. But the images of her aging and dying here are too much for me.

As I've stated, life is pretty blah for me right now. No extreme highs, no extreme lows, just plain numb mixed with a bit of anger and sorrow at times. I've begun to contemplate getting a new furry friend. I don't think I'll do it until after I move, though. I'm actually a bit nervous about doing it. Truth be told, Kahlua and I didn't truly bond until she was around 3 years old. Kahlua was a hellion before then, chewing everything, new shoes, books, music, furniture, window ledges. I still liked her, but was having to learn patience and what it meant to be a dog owner before we became inseparable. Much of her behavior was my fault: I worked 18+ hour days and couldn't spend the time she needed to be properly cared for. On top of that I got her when she was only 6 weeks old and I've learned that they should be at least 8 weeks old to be properly weaned. She had separation anxiety to the extreme as a result.

In getting a new pup I know I'll be going through all that again, and hope that my experience will guide it through adolesance more smoothly. And after having Kahlua for 17 years I don't think I could bear it if a new pup only lived to 9 or 10. I think I'll try contacting her breeders back in Austin, Texas, and see if they have her bloodline still going. They did when I talked to them about 6 years ago. Maybe....

Oh well, I'm still trying to put it all together. A stray clump of fur here and there, or rounding a corner in my home will bring back a memory or expectation of seeing her there. This just really stinks, I miss her dearly, I see her pictures and can't believe it's been a month now since I've been able to hold her, kiss her and love her. Kahlua was all that and then some.

Posted by: Daisy's Mommy Jun 24 2008, 09:07 AM

At the very end, there is only one thing that we can do for our beloved pets, and that is to let them leave this earth without pain or fear. Holding them, petting them, telling them we love them, as the vet helps them to leave. This is the final gift of love for a faithful friend.

When is the time right? That is a hard decision, but I think that the time is right when you believe that if your pet was a human, he or she would say "I want to go." Since your decision was made with love and no self-interest it cannot be wrong.

Posted by: LoveThem Jun 24 2008, 12:22 PM

I wish you the best in getting a new baby. I will tell you that I have had more than one dog and none that I had as a puppy settled down until 3 years old. Before then...everything was play. I used to tell myself 7x3=21 years..meaning at 3 they should be an adult like a 21 year old...and I did notice they did start settling down.

As far as length of time, the smaller dogs seems to have a greater life expectancy. I never had a dog over 12 years..it was never meant to be. Your 17 years sounds quite wonderful to me. But then I had Shepherds and I've heard the bigger the dog, the less the years of life.

But as in thinking of Kendra...would you have given up having her in your life if she had lived a shorter time? I don't think so. It is truly the quality of the time we have with them that we have to cherish and we would never give up...even knowing they will not be allowed to be with us forever.

My Little Guy was 16 1/2 years old..the oldest pet I have had... I would not give up 16 years and 4 months of wonderful happy and healty times...to avoid him getting ill the last 2 months. We truly have to look at it as enjoying them and their unconditional love as long as we are allowed to have them in our lives. I just would not trade the experience of having any of my special ones in my lifetime to avoid the pain and sadness at the end of that time when it is their time to go.

I wish you healing and peace and prayers that you will find what you need. I agree I think your moving will help.

Posted by: Candy's Dad Jul 1 2008, 01:26 PM

I hope your doing well. I read the thread again and really feel for you and your experience. My Candy was nearly as old as Kahlua, she was born on 1992.

In fact, it was your post that helped give me some strength when it came down to do what had to be done. I remember when I heard Candy yelp a little, that your post was fresh in my mind.

It's been a week later and I still need to get my girl's ashes, but I understand what you are going through. Just trying to get use to the stillness and quite of the house.

Hang in there.

Candy's Dad

Hal

Posted by: Deanna Jul 2 2008, 03:23 PM

1991Baby
I am a month late, however, .... I am just in awww of your story and feelings. I honestly feel that I could take your thoughts and expressions of how you felt this day and just sign my name at the bottom today.
Hope you're doing better.
Kahlua will forever be in your heart.
Sincerely,
Deanna

Posted by: 1991Baby Jul 2 2008, 05:17 PM

I do miss her so terribly much. It's been over a month. I'll still tear up at times during the day. I've tried to stay very busy to keep my mind occupied, but in the end I always come home to an empty place, a place that no longer feels like a home without her, it is just a place my things stay and I sleep at night.

I'll always love my little Kahlua, and there are times when I walk around here or sit down and will just mumble out loud, "I miss my little girl, I love you so much Kahlua, my poor little baby, I love you always and forever", and then find a picture to look into the image of her pretty little face and big brown eyes. It just ain't the same without her.

As I'm writing this I want to say she was my one and only, the most perfect little creature and friend a man could ever have. I believe this is to be true today. By the same token I don't want to rule out getting another pet and live my life having only known Kahlua. I know I'm not ready yet, and I don't know how long it will take until I am, but I'm also old enough to know never say never, and not to rule things out. So while she is my one and only most special and dearest little girl, I've gotta be careful with the "one and only" part in knowing I one day will welcome another into my home, but another that will never, nor could it ever replace or top Kahlua in any way.

I'm so glad there is this forum to allow us to express ourselves and read other's feelings, knowing we're not alone in our love and grief. From time to time I'll go back to the start of this thread when I still had Kahlua with me but knew the end was there to feel those feelings again, to see how fresh the emotions are and to hopefully continue to gain a deeper perspective of the pain and loss of love I've gone through as time marches on. This is so valuable in many respects. We go through this journey in different ways because each of our loved ones were so uniquely special to each of us. But the common ground we find when our emotions overlap with another's is comforting. Thank you all.

Posted by: Deanna Jul 2 2008, 07:38 PM

I miss my Zoe terribly too. I grew up as one of those people who never cared to have a pet. My kids are grown, 18 & 10, and for most of their lives, they asked me for a pet, but I always told them "sorry...you can get one when you move out". UNTIL... my dear co-worker who breeds "westies", asked me if I was interested in one ...I immediately said no...but she began to tease me....are you sure ....I've got one adorable little girl left. I went home and mentioned it ....my son lost his mind...please, please, please, mom, paleez! So, my heart gave in and went back to work and said, I'll take her. Little did I know, once I took a little ride into the country to pick her up, my life would change forever. I fell COMPLETELY in love with this lil' puppy, it was a whole new level of emotions and love I never knew my whole life. It was wonderful. I now believe it is now a gift Zoe taught and gave me.

I have always, my whole life, been a upbeat, very positive, smile all day, laugh constantly throughout the day, kind of person. I have always been asked "what is it Deanna that you are able to smile all day, everyday?" Well, it was just me, I couldn't explain it. However, with having Zoe and wonderful she was and losing Zoe, especially due to a quick an tragic accident .... I have never, I mean never, (and I've lost my father and all grandparents) ....had anything grab a hold of me and me think ... I will NEVER be completely happy again. There is such an emptiness in my heart that, I honestly feel, will never be filled again. Zoe was, as you have said was "THE DOG" for me. I roam around my house talking to Zoe as well ....I say thing's like "mama misses you so much little girl" "mama hurts" "mama wants you in my arms again" "oh please God, make the pain ease. I want to focus my energy on the positive things she brought to me in my life, rather than dwelling on her death, but I really try. Going out to dinner with friends, or to the movies with my son, I try so hard not to cry while I am out. Although, during these events, I am thinking ...ok , I'm going to have to go back to an empty, quiet house that used to be filled with such pure loving, fun energy.

A few have said "God had a reason" to take her. I am alil' puzzled with that one....I can't think of any reason, she was so wonderful .....she loved me, I loved her? I am assuming I will learn the reason once I have conquered the pain? I don't know? I am so lost and confused.

Oh, this is sooo hard. The grieving phases are going very slow for me.
I need you guys for support to get through this difficult time in my life.
Thanks to all,
Deanna

~ Zoe - Forever In My Heart ~

Posted by: goliath Jul 2 2008, 09:03 PM

[quote name='Deanna' date='Jul 2 2008, 08:38 PM' post='40065']
A few have said "God had a reason" to take her. I am alil' puzzled with that one....I can't think of any reason, she was so wonderful .....she loved me, I loved her? I am assuming I will learn the reason once I have conquered the pain? I don't know? I am so lost and confused.[quote]



The depth of love we are able to feel as a result of having these little messengers is the reason God takes them home again. Though we may not get clear answers as to why when we want them, we can have faith that Somebody upstairs knows why and He chooses when the lesson is finished. Sometimes the answers come in small doses and other times it hits us square in the face.

The hole that is left in our heart when these sweet teachers pass away is so painful and unbearable I know. But I also know if we extend the love and teachings these babies gave us, we can fill that hole with a brand new kind of love. They make us want to better ourselves as human beings because they bring the very best out of us. When they pass away only their bodies are gone. Their true spirit remains within us and all around us.

When my Goliath was here on earth he taught me many lessons of how to love. To this day he still teaches me when I keep my mind and heart completely open and free. Each day brings an opportunity to share all we have learned and show what good students we were and are.

As we continue our journey together in finding peace in our hearts, know that love never dies. For it is in our hearts these precious babies reside for the rest of our days here until we meet again.

Much love to all,
Beth

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn Jul 3 2008, 04:16 PM

I don't mean to start a theological controversy, but I don't believe God takes any life. Our bodies are mortal, and because we were given stewardship over the animal world...they share our mortality. It's very clear to me that their souls also share our immortality. What happened to Zoe was a tragic accident, her body perished...but her love for you lives forever.


love to all,
Dayna

Posted by: Deanna Jul 3 2008, 11:05 PM

Beth and Dayna,
I am sorry for making such a negative comment about "being a lil' puzzled about "God had a reason", I have been on such an emotional roller coaster ....from extreme sadness, then getting angry. Now, reflecting back on that comment, it was wrong.
It is the spiritual healing, along with you guys, that is helping through this difficult time.
Again, I am sorry.
Deanna

Posted by: myhrtisbrkn Jul 3 2008, 11:33 PM

Deanna,

No apologies necessary, Honey. That is a natural, and age old question, and certainly one that I have asked in my darkest moments. I'm sorry if I made you feel that I was offended. We have to work through these issues in order to heal.

And speaking of that I'm wishing you continued progress,
Much love to you, and have a good 4th,
Dayna

Posted by: 1991Baby Jul 10 2008, 02:01 AM

This past week has been terribly difficult. I think it really kicked in Saturday after the 4th of July. I went down to the pool to grill and swim and couldn't stop thinking about how this time last year Kahlua was right there with me, running around the pool to whatever side I was closest to, sniffing around the bushes, trying to get to the food that was close to the ground, being told how adorable she was by neighbors and guests.

Since then I've started to get overwhelmed by grief all over again. I wasn't planning on moving until after the summer was over and my lease was up, but these constant reminders are killing me. Maybe it was because it was a holiday, and holidays stand out more than the blur of days between them. I know this much, I can't be here for the Halloween-New Year's stretch. They say that is the most depressing time of the year for people who have recently experienced loss. I won't make it through that here with my sanity or waistline in check.

Kahlua was a precious, precious little girl. I try to reach out my arms and hug her memory as if she were right there. I miss her dearly. She touched me in a way I never imagined possible and I can't let go. I am so lonely without her, no matter how busy I try to stay. I'm always the strong one. While I've been going through this loss I've been helping a relative go through the a breakup that has torn him up, I've been trying to help keep his head on straight since he's been doing crazy, irrational things. Now a best friend who recently got divorced is having child rearing/custody issues and is doing stupid things driven by unhealthy emotional motivations. I'm great at giving advice for others, knocking them around when they need it and giving them hugs when they need it. But I'm still a wreck over Kahlua.

Helping them deal with their issues has been a distraction from my own. I could choose to bury my issues and her memory. But I worry about doing her memory an injustice by doing that, and I've always heard that you should deal with issues, not hide from them. I just don't know what it will take to get mentally well again and move on. Some say get another puppy, but cir%%stances don't allow me to do so right now. I need to change my cir%%stances.

I love you baby girl Kahlua, always and forever,

xoxoxoxo
Daddy

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 02:47 AM

i can realate to what you went through. i recently had to let my 1 year old baby kitty acorn go. thank you for sharing your experience. it helps me feel like i am not alone. i'm sorry for your loss.

with love corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 02:55 AM

thank you for sharing your story. i lost my 1 year old kitty acorn to f.i.p. a few weeks ago. i am feeling so down. i am sorry for your loss. i cry alot too. i had to put my baby to sleep too suddenly when he began to have seizures. i did it at home as well. it was so hard to do it but i had to. i couldnt bear to see him in pain as he would have never wanted that for me.its never easy to make a decision like that. i wish you strength.

with love corina & her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:05 AM

your words are very kind. i cried alot reading them. i recently had to let my baby acorn go because of f.i.p. sometimes the young ones make a great impact on life too. i had so many hopes and plans for him. he was my sunshine. he was only 1 year old. his last day he showed a big effort on drinkin and eatting on his own. his last hour he was purring up a storm. he had a seizure and was crashing yet he still put his paws up to touch my face as i cried. he was the one dying and he was comforting me, thats just the kind of cat he is. it was so hard to let him go but i put him to sleep outside in the grass, his favorite place. there is such an emptiness now. sharing your story has helped me. thank you. i am sorry for your loss. i wish you the best.

with love corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:18 AM

that is a beautiful quote about the rock. thank you for putting words to my emotions.

with luv corina & her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:21 AM

those are very kind words. they are helping me. i feel that same self punishing voice. my baby kitty acorn recently passed. guilt is hard to get rid of but i know it will eventually go away. thank you for sharing your words of wisdom.

with luv corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:26 AM

i am sorry for your loss. goliath is such an adorable name, its fitting. i know how you feel. my baby kitty acorn was always there with me for car rides to mc donalds (eatting fries with us lol). he was out in the yard playing in the snow, leaves, rain and sunshine, he was there to welcome me home with a smile as i got home from college. his life was only 1 year long but a lifetime in my heart. it is hard. i hope you find strength to find happiness in the place you and goliath shared happy times. i wish you the best.

with luv corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:29 AM

i am sorry you and your beloved are going through this. i agree it never gets any easier. i have lost many but this recent loss of my 1 year old baby acorn has been the hardest ive ever cried. i hope you find strength. i wish you and your special dog the best.

with luv corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:31 AM

i am sorry you and your dog are going through this. i hope that you find happy memorable moments with him every day he has. i wish you and buster the best.

with love corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:43 AM

i am so sorry for your loss. zoe snuck into your heart and changed your life just as my recently passed kitty acorn did. i had to put him to sleep at only 1 year old because of f.i.p. it has been a few weeks but feels like yesterday. losing our babies unexpectedly is terrible. i feel the same emptiness. it is life altering. i wish you strength and you are not alone.

with love corina and her angels

Posted by: openhearted87 Jul 10 2008, 03:56 AM

i just joined this site yesterday. i just read through your whole story. you have such a loving heart. i am so sorry you and your angel had to go through that. i have lost many but it never gets easier. i recently lost my baby kitty acorn to f.i.p. he was only 1 year old. i had to put him to sleep when he began having seizures. we want to hold so hard to the physical body when we cant but we can hold the spirit of them forever. its been weeks but i am still crying all the time at the drop of a hat. things seem empty and so different. it is comforting that i know i am not alone and neither are you. im taking one day at a time but dreading the holidays. i have acorn's and my other kitty angel joshua's cremation/funeral on sat. it will be hard. i hope you are well. i wish you the best. i wish kind words could heal but i think the tears they bring are healing.

with love corina and her angels

Posted by: LoveThem Jul 11 2008, 02:27 PM

To 1991 Baby:

my 3 cats were born in 1991. My Little Guy..I lost last Sept. He was the last of 3. He started not eating right in July so I understand where you are coming from...talking about last summer compared to this summer.

I think you will make it to the end of your lease at the end of the summer and then make your plans to move.

It is true that the Holiday months are very hard. My 3 cats were black so I used to call them my Halloween Cats. That was hard in 2007. Then November brought Thanksgiving..a time we are reminded to be thankful for what we have...how ironic was that in 2007? I went through Christmas and said that was the last Holiday there would be no furbaby in my home. I adopted my new cat, Lucky, the day after Christmas...and never regretted it.

But even so, this summer is going to be very hard because I cannot get last summer out of my mind and so, you know and I know we are not alone in what we will be going through to get through this summer.

I hope the time comes closer you can adopt again....that filled the emptiness enough to survive and even be able to laugh at the new baby..who feels as though life just revolves around him...and, in a way, I guess it does now.

I wish you peace and healing and know through the coming days and months, you are not alone in your pain.

Posted by: Cheesy Jul 19 2008, 06:35 AM

I am so very, very sorry about your sweet Kahlua. The picture you have for your avatar is so beautiful, and I am sure that in person she was lovelier still.
My prayers are with you,
please keep sharing,
cheesy.

Posted by: Cheesy Jul 19 2008, 06:46 AM

p.s
every night before I go to sleep, I kiss my fingers and press it to my cheddar's urn, and I say " goodnight baby guy, mommy loves you." I am saving up to get a locket to keep a little tuft of hair I clipped off his tale the night he passed away, so I can wear it next to my heart. He loved to sleep under the christmas tree, so this year I took his urn, and I placed him there for a while, I even layed next to him(every year we would lay and look up at the lights.) . Allot of people find it strange, but it gives me comfort. If you want to take her camping, you should. I know that it gives me comfort to keep him with me, and to do those little things. Just thought that it may help to know.
With love,
cheesy

Posted by: 1991Baby Aug 29 2008, 12:03 AM

It's been awhile since I've posted as I've been trying to stay distracted, but I find myself still not being able to move on. I'm often repeating the line "I miss you baby, I miss you my pretty little girl", sometimes just to myself, other times just muttering out loud. This has been a dreadful loss, one I knew I wouldn't be ready for long before it happened, but I've still not found a way to cope right.

She really was my once in a lifetime special little companion. I have begun entertaining the idea of getting a puppy, but I can't see myself bonding, or really wanting to bond with it. I had this inseparable relationship with Kahlua, it took a long time to take hold, probably into year three before I realized I had something amazingly special, but I had that for the next fourteen years. I fear I'd put too much pressure on myself and any new addition to start where Kahlua and I left off, and I know that's unrealistic and unfair to both of us.

I just felt a need to try to relate my grief and distress to others since most of my family and friends think I've moved on, or at should have moved on by now. I know those of you on LS share deeper bonds with pets and their loss.

I was at a memorial for an older friend a week or two ago. When I say older, I mean older - he was 107! And he was sprite, healthy and had all his faculties up until the last few weeks of his life, he worked every day as the oldest CEO in America when he passed. At the memorial his grandkids got up and shared their memories with us and one of them repeated a line he would often say about business and life, "what was ain't is".

I had Kahlua for 17 blessed years, probably close to this friend's age in doggy years. Since hearing those words at the funeral I keep trying to use them to help get over the pain whenever I long for the Kahlua I knew all that time. I get that "what was ain't is", but it sure doesn't make loss any easier. I miss you Kahlua, my heart is still torn asunder by your passing. You are eternally my love.

Posted by: Deanna Aug 29 2008, 05:06 AM

It's ok, 1991Baby, the way you feel, however long it takes, again it's ok. I am still struggling after losing my baby on June 12th. I, too, whisper to her daily, telling her how much I miss her. We've had a devastating loss of a beloved pet that can never be replaced and it's going to take time to accept it and to have a happy heart again.
You're not alone,
Much love and support,
Deanna

Posted by: LoveThem Sep 6 2008, 08:56 PM

I just felt a need to try to relate my grief and distress to others since most of my family and friends think I've moved on, or at should have moved on by now. I know those of you on LS share deeper bonds with pets and their loss.

Everyone is different about "moving on". There are no time frames. We hope to go on sooner than later because until we do..the pain is just so intense that it is physically exhausting. Anytime you feel the need to talk..don't hesitate..we are always here listening. We all wear the same pair of shoes when it comes to sorrow. We have been there, are there, and some know they soon will be there and nothing is easy for anyone and moving on is a lot easier to say than do.

You mention thinking of a puppy...think of Kahlua as having a brother or sister. You can have a bond with another..it is just that it will not be the same one you have with Kahlua. But the new one looking for love and a home and full of themselves may be just the distraction needed. I have always found that. I have never replaced one of my sweethearts but I have added many to my heart and each one is unique and special in their own way. They live in the moment and are impossible to ignore and we can hug them and cry about the special one we lost.

My 3 were all born in 1991 and I lost them, 1 in 2002, 1 in 2006, and the last one, Little Guy in 2007..in September.
I was thankful too for having them all those years. I wish my canine sweethearts had been able to stay that long...they always had something about age 10 or 12 that could not be cured. I am glad for those years with them but I always was never "ready" to let them go..I just knew I had to..for their sake.

So come here and post your thoughts and feelings and maybe some special photos of Kahlua. To go into the future, we do not have to give up the past (as if we ever could).

Hugs, 1991baby, come here and talk anytime. We are always listening.