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> Helping Your Family Cope When A Pet Dies, by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt
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post Jun 29 2003, 03:50 PM
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Helping Your Family Cope
When A Pet Dies


(transcribed verbatim from writings by Alan D. Wolfelt; see bio at end of post)

A pet is a family
member, too.


A pet is often a member of the family. In fact, surveys show some
interesting facts about pet owners: 84 percent consider their animals
family members; 99 percent talk to their pets; and 54 percent
celebrate their pet's birthday.

The term "man's best friend" brings to mind unconditional love,
constant companionship and acceptance. And why not? Your pet can take
you for a walk, listen when you need someone to talk to, or even guard
your house. A pet can also lower your blood pressure, change your
heart rate, or alleviate feelings of chronic loneliness.

With your capacity to love your pet comes the necessity to grieve when
that "best friend" dies. The death of a pet is, without a doubt, a
traumatic experience. The following information is intended to help
you and your family acknowledge the need to grieve at this time and to
do so in a healthy way.

A pet's death
is significant.


No, it's not "just a dog" or "just a cat." The animal is a family
member. With the death of that pet, the family experiences a
significant loss. A difficult problem, however, is that society often
denies you the need to grieve for your pet. You may even be chastised
for openly and honestly expressing your feelings. As a result, your
grief may be hidden, buried or ignored.

Although denied understanding and support, your family needs to grieve
the death of your pet. Grieving means to express your feelings, no
matter how painful, outside of yourselves.

Cliches don't help
you heal.


Your family will probably be greeted with many cliches when your pet
dies. Cliches are trite comments intended to diminish the loss by
providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like "It
was just a dog," or "You can always get another one" or "Be glad you
don't have to take care of him anymore" are not constructive. Instead
they hurt and make your family's journey through grief more difficult.

Memories are the
best legacies.


Memories are one of the best legacies after the death of a pet. Talk
about and embrace these memories. Your pet entertained, comforted,
frustrated, but always loved you. Remember those times. If your
memories bring laughter, smile. If they bring sadness, cry. Remember
though, memories made in love can never be taken away.

Your emotions
will vary.


When your pet dies, you will probably experience a variety of
emotions: confusion, disorganization, sadness, or guilt. Don't repress
these feelings and ignore anyone who tells you that you should. Don't
over-&%^yze your response. Just allow your feelings to find
expression. As strange as some of these feelings may seem, they are
normal and healthy.

Each family member probably had a unique relationship with the pet.
Allow for different emotional responses within the family, and be
careful to respect each person's need to grieve in his or her own way.

Should you chose
euthanasia?


When you love your pet, no question is more difficult than whether or
not to euthanize. Yet this difficult choice is often the right one,
particularly if your pet is in agonizing pain or the quality of life
has deteriorated. Sometimes the cost of the treatment for a particular
disease or illness may also be prohibitive.

Talk to your veterinarian about euthanasia. Fortunately, humane
procedures can end endless suffering for both you and your pet. The
intravenous drug used for euthanasia does not cause pain. After
visiting with your vet, make your decision based on your own good
judgement. If you have always treated your pet with gentleness and
love, you will probably make a wise choice based upon the reality of
the situation.

Some owners want to be present when their pets are euthanized. Some do
not. Do what you feel is right for you and the family. Whichever
choice you make, you may still want to spend some time saying
"goodbye" to your pet.

Rituals can
be helpful.


Allowing and encouraging your family to have a funeral for the pet
that has died can be helpful. It provides a time to acknowledge the
loss, share memories of the pet and create a focus for the family to
openly express emotions. While some friends or even family members may
think having a funeral for your pet is foolish, don't let them take
this special time away. Design a ritual that best meets your needs as
you gather to pay tribute to a pet who was and always will be loved.

Children need to
be involved.


The death of a pet is often the first opportunity parents have to help
children during times of grief. Unfortunately, parents often don't
want to talk about the death assuming that by doing so the children
will be spared some of the pain and sadness.

Children, however, are entitled to grieve for their pets. Any child
old enough to love is old enough to grieve. And many children love
their pets with all their hearts. As an adult, if you are open,
honest, and loving, experiencing the death of a pet can be a chance
for children to learn about both the joy -- and the pain -- that comes
from caring deeply for pets or for people.

You may not experience the same depth of loss as your children when a
family pet dies. You must still respect their grief and allow them to
express it without feeling abandoned. Your response during this time
can make the difference whether children's first exposure to death
will be positive or a negative part of their personal growth and
development.

Older adults have
special needs.


For older adults, the relationship with a pet is often the most
meaningful relationship they have in their lives. The death of the pet
can have a significant impact, particularly if the older adult is
isolated from human contact. Under these cir%%stances, the pet
becomes a "very best friend."

When the pet dies, the experience may trigger old griefs from losses
encountered throughout life. It is imperative that family and friends
are sensitive to the older adult's needs during this time. Respond
with warmth and understanding and let them "teach you" about the
special relationship with their beloved pet.

Premature replacement
can cause problems.


The temptation after the death of a pet may be to run out and get
another one right away. In fact, you are often encouraged to do so by
family and friends. Although it may sound like a good idea, you should
be careful about premature replacement.

You need time to grieve and to heal when your pet dies. A new pet
demands your energy and attention which at some point you may be ready
and willing to give. Right now, however, you should first attend to
your grief.

Be especially careful about premature replacement of pets with
children. It sends a message to a child that says when something is
lost, all you have to do is buy another one. In reality, that is often
not the case. It also devalues the significance of the pet that just
died.

While there is no specific timetable for when to get a new pet, when
in doubt, wait. Allow for additional healing to occur. When the family
is ready for a new pet, involve the children in the discussion and
selection so they can feel a part of the decision.

Some closing thoughts
about the death of a pet.


Hopefully, this information has helped you understand why your family
may grieve so deeply when a beloved pet dies. Pets don't criticize or
judge you. They just love and accept you unconditionally.

When a pet dies, you and your family must accept the need to grieve.
Even though others around you may attempt to minimize your grief. the
hurt must be embraced to be lessened. Be patient and tolerant as you
slowly move toward healing.

\\\\\\
About the author

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, and practicing
clinical thanatologist. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss
and Life Transition in Fort Collins, CO, and is one of the faculty at
the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family
Medicine.

As a leading authority in the field of thanatology, Dr. Wolfelt is
known internationally for his outstanding work in the areas of adult
and childhood grief. Among his publications are the books, Death and
Grief: A guide for clergy, Helping Children Cope with Grief and
Interpersonal Skills Training: A handbook for funeral home staffs. In
addition, he is the editor of the "Children and Grief" Department of
Bereavement Magazine and is a regular contributor to the journal
Thanatos.


********************************************************************************
****
A note from the poster:

When I needed answers, I found this information to be very satisfying.
It is our intention that others who visit here enjoy its benefits. To
that extent, we plan to repost this information on a regular basis.
(Regular subscribers to the group may want to place a filter, using
the above subject line which will not change, to avoid downloading the
message body each time it is posted.)

MD Cohn


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