Coping With The Loss Of A Pet Options

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Our pets live relatively short lives.
For many of us who love our pets, their death may be as painful as the death of
a relative or friend. The death of a pet can affect some of us even more than
the death of a relative or friend. Even for those of us who do not share the
same emotional investment in nonhuman companions, the death of a pet leaves few
people totally untouched.

A pet may come to symbolize many things
to each of us. It may represent a child, perhaps a child yet to be conceived or
the innocent child in us all. It may reflect the ideal mate or parent, ever
faithful, patient and welcoming, loving us unconditionally. It is a playmate and
a sibling. It is a reflection of ourselves, embodying negative and positive
qualities we recognize or lack in ourselves. The same pet may be all of these,
alternating between roles on any given day or for each member of the
family.

When a pet dies, we expect that our pain
will be acknowledged, even if it is not shared, by our relatives, friends and
colleagues. Though the bond between you and your pet is as valuable as any of
your human relationships, the importance of its loss may not be appreciated by
other people. The process of grieving for a pet is no different than mourning
the death of a human being. The difference lies in the value that is placed
on your pet, or pets in general, by your family and by society as a
whole.

Your grief may be compounded by lack of
response from a friend or family member. Realize that you do not need anyone
else’s approval to mourn the loss of your pet, nor must you justify your
feelings to anyone. Do not fault anyone who cannot appreciate the depth of your
grief for a pet. The joy found in the companionship of a pet is a blessing not
given to everyone.

Seek validation for your pain from
people who will understand you. Speak with your veterinarian, veterinary
technician, groomer or another pet owner. Ask for a referral to pet grief
support groups or veterinary bereavement counselors in your area. The death of a
pet can revive painful memories and unresolved conflicts from the past that
amplify your current emotional upheaval. Seek comfort in the support of
professional counselors or clergy.

This is an opportunity for emotional
growth. Your life was and will continue to be brighter because of the time that
you shared with your pet. This is the best testament to the value of your pet’s
existence.

Stages of Mourning

The stages of mourning are universal and
are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to
an individual’s own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or
animal.

There are 5 stages of normal
grief. In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working
through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The 5 stages do
not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before
achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the
luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your
pet might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout
each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long as there is life,
there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

Denial and Isolation: The first
reaction of learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished pet is to deny
the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize
overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate
shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary
response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger: As the masking effects of
denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not
ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and
expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects,
complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or
deceased pet. Rationally, we know the animal is not to be blamed. Emotionally,
however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty
for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

The veterinarian that diagnosed the
illness, was unable to cure the disease or performed euthanasia of the pet might
become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every
day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to
those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your veterinarian
to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your pet’s
illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that they telephone you at the end
of their day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical
diagnosis and treatment. Discuss the cost of treatment. Discuss burial
arrangements. Understand the options available to you. Take your time. Both you
and your veterinarian will find that honest and open communication now are an
invaluable long-term investment.

Bargaining: The normal reaction
to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control.
If only we had sought medical attention sooner. If we get a second opinion from
another doctor. If we change our pet’s diet, maybe it will get well. Secretly,
we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the
inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful
reality.

Depression: Two types of
depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to
practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate.
We worry about the cost of treatment and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we
have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by
simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation
and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a
sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and
to bid our pet farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

Acceptance: Reaching this stage
of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and
unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily
a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity
to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a
period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Pets that are terminally ill or aging
appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a
suggestion that they are aware of their own mortality, only that physical
decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies
that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The
dignity and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their last gift to
us.

Explaining Pet Loss to Your
Child

It is natural to want to protect our
children from painful experiences. Most adults, however, are surprised to find
how well most children adjust to the death of a pet if they are prepared with
honest, simple explanations. From a young age, children begin to understand the
concept of death, even though they may be unaware of it at a conscious
level.

When a pet is dying, it may be more
difficult for a child to resolve the grief experienced if the child is not told
the truth. Adults should avoid using terms like "put to sleep" when discussing
euthanasia of a family pet. A child could misinterpret this common phrase,
indicating the adult’s denial of death, and develop a terror of bedtime.
Suggesting to a child that "God has taken" the pet might create conflict in the
child, who could become angry at the higher power for cruelty toward a pet and
the child.

Children are capable of
understanding, each in their own way, that life must end for all living
things. Support their grief by acknowledging their pain. The death of a pet can
be an opportunity for a child to learn that adult caretakers can be relied upon
to extend comfort and reassurance. It is an important opportunity to encourage a
child to express his or her feelings.

Reasons for Euthanasia

We are never quite prepared for the
death of a pet. Whether death is swift and unexpected or whether it comes at the
end of a slow decline, we are never fully aware of what a pet has brought to our
lives until our companion is gone.

Our involvement with the final outcome
may be passive. We may simply not pursue medical or surgical treatment in an
aging pet. Perhaps its ailment has no cure and the best we can do is alleviate
some of its suffering so that it may live the remainder of its days in relative
comfort. An illness or accident may take it suddenly.

Everyone secretly hopes for a pet’s
peaceful passing, hoping to find it lying in its favorite spot in the morning.
The impact of a pet’s death is significantly increased when, as responsible and
loving caretakers, we decide to have the pet euthanized.

Euthanasia is the induction of
painless death. In veterinary practice, it is accomplished by intravenous
injection of a concentrated dose of anesthetic. The animal may feel slight
discomfort when the needle tip passes through the skin, but this is no greater
than for any other injection. The euthanasia solution takes only seconds to
induce a total loss of consciousness. This is soon followed by respiratory
depression and cardiac arrest.

Doctors of veterinary medicine do not
exercise this option lightly. Their medical training and professional lives are
dedicated to diagnosis and treatment of disease. Veterinarians are keenly aware
of the balance between extending an animal’s life and its suffering. Euthanasia
is the ultimate tool to mercifully end a pet’s suffering.

To request euthanasia of a pet is
probably the most difficult decision a pet owner can make. All the stages of
mourning may flood together, alternating rapidly. We may resent the position of
power. We may feel angry at our pet for forcing us to make the decision. We may
postpone the decision, bargaining with ourselves that if we wait another day,
the decision will not be necessary. Guilt sits heavily on the one who must
decide. The fundamental guideline is to do what is best for your pet, even if
you suffer in doing this. Remember that as much as your pet has the right to a
painless death, you have the right to live a happy life.

Each of us mourns differently, some more
privately than others, and some recover more quickly. Some pet owners find great
comfort in acquiring a new pet soon after the loss of another. Others, however,
become angry at the suggestion of another pet. They may feel that they are being
disloyal to the memory of the preceding pet. Do not rush into selecting a
replacement pet. Take the time to work through your grief.

To help you to prepare for the
decision to euthanize your pet, consider the following questions. They are
intended as a guide; only you can decide what is the best solution for
you and your pet. Take your time. Speak with your veterinarian. Which choice
will bring you the least cause for regret after the pet is gone?

Consider the
following:

What is the current quality of my pet’s
life?

Is my pet still eating well? Playful?
Affectionate toward me?

Is my pet interested in the activity
surrounding it?

Does my pet seem tired and withdrawn
most of the time?

Is my pet in pain?

Is there anything I can do to make my
pet more comfortable?

Are any other treatment options
available?

If a behavioral problem has led me to
this decision, have I sought the expertise of a veterinary behavior
consultant?

Do I still love my pet the way I used
to, or am I angry and resentful of the restrictions its condition has placed on
my lifestyle?

Does my pet sense that I am withdrawing
from it?

What is the quality of my life and how
will this change?

Will I want to be present during the
euthanasia?

Will I say goodbye to my pet before the
euthanasia because it is too painful for me to assist?

Will I want to wait in the reception
area until it is over?

Do I want to be alone or should I ask a
friend to be present?

Do I want any special burial
arrangements made?

Can my veterinarian store the body so
that I can delay burial arrangements until later?

Do I want to adopt another pet?

Do I need time to recover from this loss
before even considering another pet?

This article originated from the manual,
Canine and Feline Behavior Problems written by Stefanie Schwartz, DMV, MSc,
published in 1994 by the American Veterinary Publications, Inc. 5782 Thornwood
Drive, Goleta, CA 93117.