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> My Baby Boy :(
xxForeverxx
post Jan 13 2012, 01:51 PM
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Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 314
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From: UK
Member No.: 7,430



Hi everyone

I have been reading the forum topics on here for about a week now as I have been trying to find advice on how to cope with my loss and I think the time is right now to tell my story.

My cat was called Chewy. We got him when he was a kitten as the family that had his sister couldn't cope with them both so I couldn't resist his cute mischievous looks. He moved in with me and my fiancé. Straight away we knew he was special. He used to play fetch. We would throw a toy mouse, he would run and get it and then bring it back to us and drop it at our feet.

Now I'm a student and I only work part time around it so I have spent most of my time at home for the last 2 and a half years so Chewy has been my best friend cuddling up to me in the mornings, laying with my when I'm working on the laptop, laying outside with me in the summer. Everything I did, I thought about my baby boy first. For example if we were going out my first thing would be right see if I can get Chewy in or give him a stroke before I go out. When I came home from places I would just be thinking about seeing my Chewy. Even when me and my fiancé went on holiday for 2 weeks everyday I kept saying I miss my Chew Chew. EVERYTHING I did I thought of my mr Chew Chew first.

Then last year me and my fiancé found out we would be moving so all year we had been looking for the perfect family house.....as we were planning on starting a family this year. Still my first thoughts when looking at houses though was will it be suitable for Chewy, what's the road like, the garden etc

Finally we view a house in august and the house and garden are perfect the only thing I was worried about was the road....even though I was not a main road. But we decided as there was a wood near by it would be fine and Chewy has always had good road sense.

December 12th comes and we move. We let him out the following Sunday after a week and he settles in well playing with next door neighbours cat. Had a fab Christmas and new years eve and day I was the happiest girl on the planet with my house and lil family and plans for the year. Then tragedy strikes.

January 2nd Chewy had spent the night on the bed with us and then my fiancé let him out at about half 8. I was doing the washing getting ready to go into town with my dad and I heard a meow, the type when two cats are watching each other. So I went outside to see what Chewy was doing and he was underneath next door neighbours car with the other cat. I saw a tiny bit of blood and assumed they had had a lil fight. I brought him out from underneath the car and noticed something was badly wrong. Took him inside and he tried to drag his backside to the kitchen. But gave up and just laid there. I got my fiancé home and we rushed him to the emergency vets. He had ben attacked. His tail was fractured and they weren't sure about how his toilet abilities would be like. We left him there thinking he would be fine. They mentioned amputating his tail but I didn't care as long as he survived. Then the next morning we had to transfer him to our local vets and he was meowing in the car so we thought he would be fine. The vet said it looked worse than she thought. I told her to go ahead with the tail surgery about midday knowing he might not make it. He made it but they decided the damage was to severe to his back so he wouldn't have a good quality of life. Putting him down at 3 and a half was the hardest thing I have done. All because of a dog....the one thing I never thought. Would lose my Chewy to!

And now I'm lost. I can't eat, think, socialise. I can't stop crying. I don't want to be without him. I can't imagine have a baby this year anymore. And then there's the kittens. We pulled them out of a ditch last summer, Chewy wasn't impressed to start with and now I feel like I shouldn't have given him at least his last 8 months or so without them. Baring in mi d when Chewy was in the house I always gave my heart to him first. I am now broken, my heart is broken.

I'm sorry it is so long.

xxForeverxx
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moon_beam
post Jan 13 2012, 04:22 PM
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Hi, Forever, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Chewy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions on this side of eternity at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Forever, please permit me to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief -- yet very painful both physically and emotionally. I am so sorry that the happiness of moving into a new home has turned into such a tragic experience for you, for you did everything you possibly could to ensure your beloved Chewy's safety. Unfortunately we do not possess the gift of foreknowledge. We are not omnipotent - - we are mere human beings who have limitations. Your beloved Chewy knows that you did everything humanly and humanely possible within your limited power to give him a healthy, safe, and happy earthly journey. He knows that if you had known he would be attacked you would have moved heaven and earth or walked through hot roiling lava or hot burning coals to protect him.

For different tragic reasons I do so understand the piercing pain of grief that is in your heart -- for your heart is breaking with the pain that all your best efforts were not good enough. But I promise you, Forever, that your beloved Chewy is eternally grateful to you for making the hardest decision on his behalf that you will ever make on this side of eternity - - the deicision to mercifully release him from the pain of his physical body so that his sweet Living Spirit can now always be with you in your heart and your memories. Forever, the love bond you and your beloved Chewy share is eternal - - it is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Chewy is forever a part of you - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss and grief that is in your heart. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time - - in your own way and in your own time. But I promise you, Forever, that you are not alone in your grief journey. You are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And I promise you, Forever, that someday - - when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Chewy and you will be smiling - - truly smiling - - and you will feel your heart fill with the warmth of your beloved Chewy's sweet Living Spirit.

Forever, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Chewy with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you are up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Forever, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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xxForeverxx
post Jan 16 2012, 04:54 AM
Post #3





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 314
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From: UK
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Thank you moon_beam

Your words are so kind. And this forum is brilliant for people in need as it does show we are not alone....although of course it would be nice if we could outlive our pets.

The last few days iv tried to spend as much time as possible at home to help me try and like the new house again. My fiancé has been amazing. Going in the garden to feed the rabbits or clean them out still hurts as Chewy used loved the garden. He rolled around on the grass and him and my girl rabbit would chase each other round the garden. Sitting in the conservatory hurts as well as that is where we would sit while my fiancé would smoke and I would wait for Chewys face to appear at the door sad.gif

We got his ashes in a lovely casket on thursday. Maybe that has helped slightly in the way that at least I k ow he is with us again. Hurts to finally realise he is definately gone though.

I am now grateful for the kittens. I still have regrets but I find myself getting strangely attached to the boy kitten but I don't know weather I'm using him although I try not to compare him to Chewy.

I can finally cook again although I still do it thinking I wish Chewy was here. One thing I can not d is go the old house....which my fiancée my now lives in. It devastates me to much knowing how happy Chewy was there.

I will say though the tears have got less although I still cry everyday I think because number one I'm running out of water in my body to cry but also because I am just so grateful for Chewy coming into my life as he taught me so much about love.

Thank you moon_beam. I will post a picture of him soon. He was a gorgeous big cat. I will miss him everyday.

xxForeverxx
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merlin96
post Jan 16 2012, 09:10 AM
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Group: Pet Lovers
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Dear Forever,

I wanted to add my expression of condolence at your loss of precious Chewy. I am so very sorry for your loss. I also had to make the very difficult decision to let my dog Sweetie go on Saturday 1/14, for different reasons (she had cancer that had become very painful and debilitating) so I can understand a bit what you are going through. The pain of this loss is so heartbreaking to me and I am bearly able to function at all. It is as if my world has come to an end. Please know there are others like myself who understand what you are going through. I wish we didn't have to go through this. I would give anything for just one more day with my baby and I imagine you feel the same about your Chewy. I wish you peace and strength as you go through this difficult time.
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moon_beam
post Jan 16 2012, 04:31 PM
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Hi, Forever, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to offer you reassurance that the grief you are feeling is normal. It is important that you allow yourself the opportunity to do what you feel up to doing, and not forcing yourself to do what you do not feel up to. Getting the ashes back of our beloved companions is normally very comforting, although it is yet another reminder, as with your beloved Chewy, that our companions are no longer physically with us in the way that our hearts long for them to be. The grief adjustment journey is both physical and emotional, Forever, and it is important to take one day at a time as you feel up to them.

I'm glad you are beginning to be able to bond with the kittens. This can be very comforting for you, as well as for the kittens who are also missing the physical presence of their housemate Chewy.

Forever, thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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xxForeverxx
post Jan 18 2012, 01:05 PM
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Group: Pet Lovers
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Thank you moon_beam and merlin86

It really does help knowing there are people out there who truly do understand what you are going through and that there is a place as wonderful as this website where you can go to listen to others who are going through the same thing and also receive some advice some truly amazing people.

I wanted to show some of my favourite photos of him. The first one is obviously of him when he was a kitten.

xxForeverxx
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xxForeverxx
post Jan 18 2012, 01:09 PM
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and this is him as the cute loving Chewy who I ant back so much.

xxForeverxx
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moon_beam
post Jan 18 2012, 05:58 PM
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Hi, Forever, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and these precious pictures of your beloved Chewy. What a sweet precious boy he is!!! I do know how difficult it is for you not being able to hold him in your arms, to feel him snuggled next to you, to listen to the rhythm of his purring, -- to have the blessing of his physical presence with you. This is a very difficult adjustment, and I share your heartache. I hope and pray that you will feel his sweet Living Spirit forever with you - - for he is forever a heartbeat close to you. Nothing can ever change or erase the eternal love bond you and your beloved Chewy share.

Forever, I hope today is being kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing and sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Chewy.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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merlin96
post Jan 19 2012, 07:48 AM
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Group: Pet Lovers
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Dear Forever,

Your Chewy is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing the lovely pictures of him. I know what you mean when you say that this is the Chewy that you want back so much. As this week as sluggishly moved forward, minute by minute, and I now realize that the day after tomorrow will be one week that Sweetie has gone, I think that of all the many emotions I feel - shock, sadness, anger, dispair -- one of the most predominant is that feeling of just wanting her back. I would do anything to have her back, if just for one more walk, one more kiss, one more hug. I know it's so hard, Forever, that feeling of your arms being so empty and knowing that never again will your beloved friend be in them. It is the worse feeling. I know there is really nothing I can say to ease your pain but maybe just by knowing I understand, it will help you just a little. ((((Forever))))
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xxForeverxx
post Jan 22 2012, 11:27 AM
Post #10





Group: Pet Lovers
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Hi moon_beam and merlin96

Thank you so much for your replies and support. I thought I was doing better, I would have a little cry each day but then do this to take my off it. Then thursday night came and I broke down again and then Friday and I feel like I'm back on auto pilot again. How could this have happened? I should have chosen a better house to move to.....or if I hadn't been so intent on moving from our last house where Chewy was happy in the first place this would not have happened.

Iv been trying to pour the love I can give into my younger cats by buying them toys and new beds etc the hardest thing with them is I'm in a dilemma about letting them out or not now (they have not been outside yet since I got them).

This whole in my heart just makes me feel so sad and nauseous. Like I said before me and my fancy are planning a baby this year....I'm no where near as excited now as even the thought of having a baby makes me think well it won't be the same without my whole family being there and obviously my family is broken now Chewy is gone.

I just feel so down today.

xxForeverxx
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moon_beam
post Jan 22 2012, 04:33 PM
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Hi, Forever, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride, so all the ups and downs and twists and turns and turnarounds you are feeling are very normal - - very painful for sure - - but very normal.

As for letting your kittens outside - - only you can decide if it is safe for them. As a very young child all of the family feline companions were allowed to roam and take their chances on survival. I was the only one in the family who worried about their safety. In my adult years I let my feline companions outside on a long tether so that they could explore their home territory and so that I could keep a watch on them. My precious Noah has transitioned to being an inside only kitty, and for this I am very grateful. I no longer need to put poison on him such as Frontline to protect him from ticks and flees. And he now no longer requires the annual vaccinations for diseases. He still has his annual check ups and only receives the vaccination boosters every 2 to 3 years and the ones that are required by law - - such as for Rabies. What I do when the weather is appropriate is to open the outside door and gate it off so that he can still get fresh air in his lungs and hear the woodland critters from the safety and security of the inside of his house.

So, this is something you can take your time to think about. Your kittens are not being "deprived" of anything by not getting outside. There are playpens you can get for your yard that will give them space to play in and provide a bit of protection. This is not a decision you have to make right now or any time soon. For now just try to enjoy their company.

There will always be a place in your heart reserved specifically for your beloved Chewy. Nothing will ever change that. Your beloved Chewy wants you to be happy, and to go on with your plans with your fiance to welcome a human child into your hearts and home. Whatever you and your fiance decide together will be the right decision.

I hope you will have a peaceful evening, Forever, blessed with your beloved Chewy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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xxForeverxx
post Jan 27 2012, 05:32 AM
Post #12





Group: Pet Lovers
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Hi moon_beam

Thank you for your reply. I have decided that you are right my kittens are fine inside as I have a big enough house and I have brought them plenty of toys and beds to keep them occupied when we are out and we have brought them a couple of harness so if they want to go out in the back garden they can although first time we tried they were so scared! Maybe it's because we found them in a ditch I don't know as Chewy was raring to go out and was never afraid.

I just feel like I should have saved him by not letting him out so soon. Also I use to get my fiancé after he had fed the cats to bring Chewy back upstairs to bed with me for a lay in and this one particular day as Chewy was loving going out and then coming in for a lay down I let him let Chewy out. If I had just said bring him up to me it would not have happened.

Wow the guilt of thinking you should have done more is horrible. I am happy to have a child with my fiancé now but it still breaks my heart that Chewy will not be here to see it and share the moments with us.

How could I let is happen?

xxForeverxx
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merlin96
post Jan 27 2012, 09:04 AM
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Hi Forever,

Just wanted to pop in and let you know I'm thinking about you. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and maybe if Chewy could come back and say one thing it would be to be kinder to yourself. I think we always have a tendency to be so hard on ourselves but I don't think our animals view things that way.

I found a link on another forum and I would like to post it here. The link goes to a page about pet loss and guilt. I found it very comforting. If you go to the home page, there are other parts of the website that also have some really cool things on them. I have no affiliation with this website but found many comforting things on it: http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html

Take care of yourself Forever. You are in my thoughts - ((((Forever)))) --

Sweetie's Mom
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moon_beam
post Jan 27 2012, 07:23 PM
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Hi, Forever, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand the "what ifs" "why didn't Is" and on and on and on. It is important to re-focus your thoughts when you begin to feel the stress of the grief guilt overtake you. Guilt can become an emotional trap, - - which is so very easy when we are so vulnerable in our deep grief. I know you always did everything in your power to give your beloved Chewy a happy and healthy and safe earthly journey, and most importantly your beloved Chewy knows this. Guilt robs us of the joy that we shared with our beloved companions during their earthly journey, and clouds the joy they want us to have. Although your beloved Chewy is not physically with you anymore, please rest assure that he is always with you continuing to share your earthly journey - - including the joy of welcoming a human child into your heart and home. He will be sharing this joyous time in your.

I hope what I have shared with you will bring some comfort to you, Forever. I hope today is treating you kindly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Snicky's Mom
post Jan 27 2012, 07:49 PM
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Forever, I do believe that there is a special place in Heaven for our pets and that their little bodies are fully restored. God bless you. Jennifer
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Snicky's Mom
post Jan 29 2012, 02:02 PM
Post #16





Group: Pet Lovers
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I read your post to Merlin today. Chewy has not been gone that long. I do believe that you are still in the beginning part of your grief journey, which often mimics symptoms of depression. Grief is somewhat like being tested by fire and coming out on the other side emotionally stronger. Believe me, I know. I don't know what other lossed you have had in your life, but in 1999 my father went off riding his ATV in the woods and it was 3 months before we found his body. He had an accident and was found dead at the bottom of a ravine. It was a horrible experience that I did not fully grieve over until 2006 wihen my 18 year old cat died. I'm telling you this, not so that you will feel sorry for me, but to let you know that you need to take your time to sort it out and heal your wounds. God is with you through all of this. Blessings to you today. Jennifer
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xxForeverxx
post Jan 31 2012, 06:23 AM
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Hi everyone

My darling Chewy. One month today. It doesn't get any easier but I do find myself being able to talk about silly and cute things you use to do to other people. I haven't been very well. Just a stinking cold but the last time I had a cold I had you to sit on the bed with me and make me feel better. I miss you everyday baby boy. Fudge keeps looking into other rooms as if he has seen something and sometimes I wander if he sees you and your with me? I know people say look forward to the day we meet again which sounds wonderful but when I am still so young all I can think about is how long it is going to be before I see you again. I'm going to make a photo album of you and honey (who misses chasing you around the garden) and Shadow....do you remember her? She was a big ball of fur and you was never quite sure what to make of her. I have also got some wonderful photos of yo and the kittens especially one daddy got a few days before the accident where you are laying with your head against pixie and fudge is laying against fudge. They are the hardest ones to look at baby as you were showing just how loving you were and we were just settling into our new house. I love you Chewy so so much and I always will. I hope you are having fun where you are. Maybe you could give me a sign to let me know you are ok.

Love mummy ***x

merlin96 that website is wonderful. The guilt conversations are so true and it's amazing how you can imagine yourself saying all of that. The rest of the website it brilliant as well and I think it has helped a little bit so I can not thank you enough.
Your right we do tend to be harder on ourselves of course we were the ones that were suppose to protect them and we failed but then even with a human child you can never know what is round the corner.

moon_beam thank you for your constant support. It means so much to have you wonderful people on here that,even if we are having a bad day, will still constantly give advice and support. Your right about the guilt. I am trying to focus more on the fact that I could not have done anything about it and If anything my bid to keep him safe all the time led me to him earlier than if I wasn't too worried about him as I was due to go out 10 minutes after I found him and then if I hadn't been looking for him he would have been left outside most of the day in pain, alone. I still find our old house the hardest part though that is what makes me upset. Wishing we had just stayed put.

Snicky's Mom....thank you so much for your comments. I am ever so sorry to hear about your dad and your beloved cat. I can not begin to know how you felt other than utter devastation. You must be a very strong person. I have taken your advice into account and I am working on my guilt and how I can talk about my baby smiling instead of just crying all the time.

Thank you all for taking time to give me some advice. It does help a lot.

xxForeverxx
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moon_beam
post Jan 31 2012, 04:45 PM
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Hi, Forever, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and your and your beloved Chewy's angel-versary. I do understand how you feel about the waiting until you are reunited with your beloved baby boy: " I know people say look forward to the day we meet again which sounds wonderful but when I am still so young all I can think about is how long it is going to be before I see you again." Doing the scrapbook will help you focus on your and your beloved Chewy's treasured memories. Rest assured that your beloved Chewy is now sharing with all of the many residents of heaven's perfect garden all the wonderful things he shared with you during your earthly journey together, as well as keeping a close vigil over you. Your and your beloved Chewy's hearts are joined as one through all eternity, Forever.

Forever, I hope today is being kind to you. Thank you again so much for sharing your and your beloved Chewy's angel-versary with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Forever, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Snicky's Mom
post Jan 31 2012, 06:40 PM
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xxForeverxx, I pray that you are able to feel some sense of peace in this storm of life that you are going through. I always prided myself as being tough as nails, but I found that I am not. No one really is. What I did find is that you have to rely and surround yourself with people that love you and care about you.. If you isolate yourself to much, it will be much harder to heal in the long run. So, surround yourself with caring people and with their help and God's, you will be able to get through this. Let their love heal you. Jennifer
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xxForeverxx
post Feb 3 2012, 01:37 PM
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Hi everyone thank you for your kind words.

I have tried to think about the good times....and there were many. Moon_beam the photo album is helping, although taking time as I have over 250 photos and it is so hard trying to choose which ones for the first album as they are all brilliant photos. Plus it makes me cry a lot so have to do it in stages.

Thank you too Snicky's Mom. Your support and words of comfort has been helpful and i know you know the best advice as you have experienced loss, not just your animal friends loss.

I thought of one thing today though which has made me really upset just when I thought I was starting to think more about my Chewy happily. I was standing in a shop earlier about to get a key cut when I noticed the pet tags you can have made. I then remembered at Xmas time I got one done for Chewy. I cannot for the life of me remember if I had put it on his collar before the accident. At the time we had to let him go I touched his collar and the vet asked me if I wanted it and I said no....but now I regret it especially if I had put his tag on it. I wish I had kept it, I feel so horrible for saying no. The vet must of thought I was horrible for not wanting to keep it. They would have thrown it in the bin and that was my Chewy's collar. How could I be so stupid sad.gif

xxForeverxx
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 29th March 2024 - 06:28 AM