First of all I am kinda happy i found this forum, some of the posts in here and in the New Beginning Section help me a bit but still I am at loss. I am a man well in my 30s now and living alone. Please excuse any grammar mistakes you may encounter, English isn't my first language.

Minoune was my domestic female cat for almost 13 years, I had her since she was a kitten and could fit in my hands. She wasn't the most cuddly cat and not the most social with other people than me. However she would always purr when I pet her, kiss me(lick my nose) if I put my nose against hers, come to say good night when I go to sleep for a minute or 2 and then lay at my feet for a while, she was almost always following me all over the place and would be in the window to greet me when I got home from work. During the holidays I noticed she seems to have lost a lot of weight and I had a sibling that hasn't seen my cat in a while to confirm, his reaction was «dude, your cat melt, shes about half the size I remember». Then I had noticed she seems to be using the litter box and drinking lots and lots of water (you know where it leads to by now I am sure).

I did some research on the net and the symptoms led to a couple things, I finally took her to the vet on January 11th and after some blood tests, the Diagnostic was made: Chronic Renal Failure (or Chronic Kidney Disease). The vet immediately recommended antibiotics (Baytril) for 14 days but I stopped them after 10 days because the side effects were nasty made her sick. Sub-Q twice per week to keep her Hydrated and a special diet were also recommended. We schedule a follow up a month later on Feb 7th for another checkup.

On Feb 7th checkup, she still had lost weight even tough she was eating (not as much as before but enough to survive) and the blood works results didn't show noticeable improvements, furthermore, we also found out her potassium levels were too low and that she became Anemic. The vet didn't tell me a fairy tale and just looking at her, I knew my cat didn't have long, she told me to go back to a more energetic food and to give sub-Q daily from now on, my fears were confirmed when she schedule a call back for a week later.

On Feb 14th the Vet called back, at the time she was still eating but I could tell she was becoming more and more lethargic. The vet said if I had any question to not hesitate to call her. I asked her how long does my cat has to live, she said that she cannot make that kind of prognostic but that her illness was in a very advanced phase. My heart sunk.

2 days later on Feb 16th she stopped eating all together, the next day she started to hide in a closet and was sleeping all the time drinking water only when I brought the bowl of fresh water in the closet, she was getting out only to use the litter box, getting too weak to even come out to greet me when I was coming home from work. (What I really call work is school since I am in between 2 careers and taking a full time course). I tried to stimulate her appetite with Tuna mixed with water after I heat it a bit in the microwave she would take a couple licks but that's it, I also tried chicken and beef baby food and I had to insist a lot for her to take some lick at that spoon. As the days go by she was getting weaker and I was already experiencing Anticipatory grief knowing the end was near. The few times she came out of the closet she was sometimes losing balance. It was heartbreaking.

I called the vet again to inquire about how they administer the .... On Saturday morning Feb 22nd around 10AM, My baby was put to sleep at age 12 and 8 months.

I am a total wreck now. I know I did the right thing to free her from that beast called CRF, I feel so much anger toward that CRF beast for getting its claws on her and ripped her away from me so fast. I feel guilty to not have assisted to her last moments, I just couldn't bare it, I trust the vet hospital where I went to have done it quickly and painlessly, I hope her soul will forgive me. I used to jokingly answer «yes?» when someone said «oh my god». The higher powers have allowed me to «play god» in making the decision to end me beloved Minoune suffering, thus ending her life, it's no joke at all. I also got rid of the food plates, litter box and some items like a towel she was laying on because it hurts too much.

I also look at the SPCA shelters for another cat when I'll be ready, I am thinking of changing some furniture spots and will probably put cat food and litter box on different location on my next cat so I can build a new relationship without being tempted to compare Minoune with the new cat. Looking back I think she was sick for at least a year (throwing up more often) but I have no way to know. What if I had taken her to the vet sooner? I can't blame myself for not knowing but that question keep coming back in my mind.

I don't pretend to be very spiritual but not long after i came back home Saturday morning, the sun came out and I am not sure if its the morning sun mix with my teary eyes but I've never seen my house so bright and last night I dreamt of my cat kissing me in the sense of saying «its okay». But its probably just wishful thinking.

Dear Zpinal,

First, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss of Minoune. She sounds like a beautiful and loving companion. Kidney disease also took my dog, Tango, at the age of 11 years. He wasn't sick very long, only about 2 weeks altogether. It just happened so fast, and he died February 4th. I, too, felt like maybe if I had noticed something sooner.....but he really seemed okay. I loved him dearly and would have done anything to assure his health. I can tell that you felt the same way about Minoune. We all do the very best we can for the pets with whom we share our lives, and you mustn't blame yourself in any way. It was just Minoune's time, however much that pains you. She loved you very much and would not want you to suffer any more than you must.

Minoune may be beyond your sight and your touch now, but her loving spirit is still with you, and always will be. Your "dream" of her kissing you and saying "it's okay" wasn't just a dream. She is trying to comfort you in the only way she now can. The time will come when you will be reunited, but until then, let her loving sprit fill your heart. Be kind to yourself.

Caseysmom

Hi, Zpinal, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Minoune. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Zpinal, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure.

Although your heart is breaking under the burden of your deepest sorrow, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Minoune share. Love is eternal, Zpinal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Minoune sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Zpinal - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I assure you, Zpinal, that your dream of your beloved Minoune is not one of "wishful thinking." Our beloved companions find their own way of letting us know they are forever grateful to us for the loving care we give them during their earthly journey - - and this does not stop simply because they are physically separated from us. So embrace the dream and know that your beloved Minoune will continue to find ways of letting you know she is forever grateful for you being her Forever Dad.

I know all too well when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Minoune with us, Zpinal. SHe is a beautiful little girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Zpinal, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thanks Caseysmom and Moon beam for the gentle replies. I will soon honor her life by rescuing another furry friend from the shelter and give it a chance at life, When I do so, I will make sure to post a picture in the new beginning section. It may be a day, a week or a month, I do not know yet but I will not dwell on sorrows for too long. A parent isn't suppose to outlive his child, but with animals we have to accept that its like a contract and its better to dwell on the joy they brought us instead of the shock of their parting to the spirit world.