Lets start from the very begining.

5/6 - Being out of work gives mommy a chance to spend more time with her husband and her babies. We went for a ride to see grandma today. Though I know there are leash laws... you stay so close to me I let you run free when we go to the car. I got a little ahead of you when you stopped to mark your territory. But as soon as I called your name... you came running to me with your little crooked run. You jumped right into the car and waited for me to get in on my side. You immediately climbed up onto my shoulder where you like to perch while I drive. Your sister, Cinnamon, took her place on my lap. We came home and waited for daddy to come home. When daddy came home, we all went to go get some chicken wings. The three of us sat in the car and waited for daddy to come out with our order. In the mean time, the people in the car next to us commented on how cute you were. I am always so proud of you baby. We went home and ate dinner on the floor while watching TV. though you are a good dog and never beg, you wait close by to act as a garbage disposal incase I should drop even a morsel of food. You know mommy and daddy dont let you have people food on purpose... so this is the only way you get it. Mommy gets up and puts the left overs in the fridge.... Daddy gets up and does someting and goes upstairs to play on the computer. Mommy quickly follows. Both babies follow as well. About thirty minutes later, mommy has had enough computer she goes downstairs to go to bed. She notices some chicken bones on the floor. Kamikazi is sitting near the bones acting guilty... but seemingly ok. Admittedly... this is not the first time you have gotten into the garbage and eaten chicken bones. But tonight we made it too easy for you. Mommy thought daddy would throw away the bones when he finished eating since she finished first. But instead... daddy left them on the floor in the take out bag. Bad daddy... but no harm done... right? Both dogs and cats are seemingly fine. Mommy cleans up the mess and goes to bed. She takes both babies.

5/7 5 am- mommy wakes up and turns over to cuddle with her babies. Notices Kamikazi is missing. She finds him on the floor. He is sitting there looking up at her when he hears her move. She picks him up and puts him near her pillow laying there stroking her babies soft fur. Kamikazi responds with a few soft licks. Sighing he falls asleep. Mommy kisses both dogs and decides it is time to wake up and get the day started. Daddy wakes up at 8 ish and comes up. He leaves for work. He is working 9-1 today. Mommy continues to play n the computer. at about 10 she looks down and sees her baby on the floor at her feet. He always sleeps on her feet when she is on the computer. He prefers to be in her lap but if mommy is typing a lot.. and she was... he settles for the floor. at about 11 mommy goes down to work on some things in the house.... dogs dont follow immediately... but sometimes they wait and see if she comes back up before going down the stairs... it is hard to go up and down so many stairs when you are only 7lbs.Mommy finishes her housework and sits on the couch to watch tv and eat the rest of her wings. She does and throws the bones away. She sits on the couch and waits for daddy to come home. at about 12:55 Mommy hears this funny sound. It sounds like a bee buzzing backwards. She thinks it is the tv or possibly some CB interference on her speakers. She looks around to see if she can see the source. Kamikazi is on the floor near the couch. He looks up at her and wags his tail. Mommy realizes she forgot to finish installing something on daddys computer. She goes upstairs and sits at his computer. SHe had not warmed the computer chair by the time she heard the noise again. It came from downstairs. Mommy goes to the top of the stairs and sees Kamikazi on the bottom stephe looks up at her. Mommy calls her baby to come upstairs. He just sits there.... She tries again..he just sits there looking at her. Now mommy is figuring out that something is wrong. She goes down stairs and picks up her baby. She goes into the living room and sees that there is some loose stool on the floor. And some vomit containing mostly shards of bone.I look at Kamikazi and he has loose stool on his bottom. Mommys baby is potty trained but accidents happen. So Mommy brings Kamikazi outside to finish in case he didn't. She puts him down on the grass and he just sits. Normally his first reaction is to mark everything that wont get out of his way first. Mommy thinks this is strange. You lay down in the grass. Mommy knows he is not well now. It is about 1:10 and daddy should be home soon. We go upstairs to rinse you off. You hate baths, but I dont want poop on your hiney when we get to the vet. I put you in the tub and you just stand there. Even while I adjust the temp.... you do nothing. I rinse you off. and scoop you up in a towel. I call daddy to see when he will be home he is just leaving the gym. I collect the stool you left on the floor and the vomit to bring to the vet. I notice no blood in either so I figure you just have a really bad tummy ache. While we wait for daddy to come in... I call around to see who is open after one on Saturday. I did not think it was a big emergency... you were still responsive. You were not yelping in pain or anything. I touched your belly to see if you would have rebound pain... no reaction... so Mommy thinks it is just a tummy ache. There are only two places open. One the first appointment i could make was at 4:30. The other was Banfield. I brought you to Banfield. I had brought you there just 2 months ago when you had a cold. It was an ok experience. I thought that that would be fine. You kept falling asleep in the car but that is not unusual for you. I think the ride kind of lulls you to sleep since you are so tiny. It is busy when we get there. We check you in and are told both vets are at lunch. We wait for 30 minutes for the doctor to return. The doctor returns and we are seen immediately. He takes his temp and and looks at the samples we brought in. He feels his tummy. Kamikazi sits through this. The vet puts him on the floor and enourages him to walk. He refuses.... he pushes him a little to encuorage him... still nothing. The doctor says that he needs xrays and lab work done. he says there are some plans that his tech will discuss with us. We wait thinking someone is gonna come in and get you to get some xrays done. Nothing happens. My husband instinctively starts his stop watch on his watch. He times everything.... it is usually annoying... but this time it is helpful. After 18 minutes the people that came in after us are in the waiting area talking about their "estimate" . Thier uppy though ill... was not critical from what I could overhear. I feel this is a very unprofessional way to approach someone with a care plan for their pet, but it cant be that serious or they would have had the professionalism to tell them in an examining room. I am holding you and your lower jaw begins to shake. Like you are cold. It is a bit chilly in the room so I hold you close to me. You snuggle into my neck. I wait until the gentleman stops talking to they other family and start to inquire about his xrays. As I do this the tech walks in the room. She starts to explain the full cost.... 706 dollar and change.... just for the work up. What is he a car that you have to write up an estimate? I asked if that was with the plan or without... she did not even know the doctor had reccommended the plan... so she had to go leave for a few minutes to talk to him about the plan..... still Kamikazi is just laying in my arms... in pain. She goes to get the doctor. I change his positioning and notice his head kind of flops about. But he is still breathing. She returns with the doctor he and warns us if we sign up for the plan... we will have to pay for it even if he does not make it and gives us the quote of 269 and change. we never siad we would not do what it took to fix him... but were getting impatient with how long this is taking... of course we will sign up for the plan... it shaves off 400 dollars.... for the same thing.... that is a stupid question. My husband did ask for the chaces of his recovery and though we are told he cant guarantee anything.... he said since he is so young there is a good chance. I want my dog well... regardless of the price but 269 is much better than 706. I tell them just do it... please .. i start writing the check.... and they leave again.. still Kamikazi is with us. Another tech comes in and takes Kamikazi ...finally... over an hour after we got there he is finally getting some help. He leaves me with paperwork to fill out. I work on the paperwork. The tech comes back in about 5 minutes later. He is speaking as he walks in the door saying "It looks like we are gonna..... one moment" and turns around and leave the room. The vet returns about 3-5 minutes later.... exhales and shakes his head. I ask him, "please tell me he did not die". He responds with I am sorry he passed away. We tried to revive him, but were unable to. The next few minutes are a bit blurry. I remember my husband asked if we could see him. I got up... went into the room... and saw may baby laying on the table under the pink towel we brought him in. I reached out my hand to touch him and felt immediate physical pain through out my body like I had just been electrocuted. I could not touch him. It hurt too much. We sat in the exam room until I could regain my composure. Then went out to settle the bill. 110 dollars. Almost half of what it would have cost to start working on him. We quietly pay the bill and leave our world in shambles.

That evening we went to a social event. I was not happy about going but my husbadn thought it would take some of the pain away for a while...and it did... but I cant say my thought were not on him the whole time. It took everything I had not to cry while I was there. We went home and I wrote a very long letter to Banfield. I explained what happened and how I really felt his death could have been avoided if someone had been there to help us or if they had given us a bare minimum estimate verbally as they saw my pet so they could get authorization to treat. I would have agreed to what ever...they could start treatment on my pet and THEN they could have told me about the plans... and how it would save me money. I would have been greatful then. But Kamikazi would have been helped. Even if he had still died... my experience would have been more positive. Instead he died in pain. I felt something sit on my foot while I was on the computer. I looked down to see grey fur and thought for a minute it was Kamikazi... the pain soon retuned when I saw it was my cat... I hyperventalated till I passed out. For the rest of the night.

5/8 I woke up early and called Banfield and asked if they still had Kamikazi that I would like to get a tuft of his hair... please call me and let me know. By noon still no call. I called and they said they still had him. I cried off and on all day. Very hard day for me. I went to get the tuft of hair. I slept a majority of the day. Cinnamon seems to notice he is gone. She has a panting fit and shakes for 2 hours nonstop. Went to mothers to "celebrate" mothers day... but all I could think about was... I am a mom and one of my babies is gone.

5 Hard day for me as i was alone a good part of it. Brought Cinnamon up the the gym to see the boys. It was really hard to do. I cried. Though I seem to cry a little less.... it does not hurt any less. Almost a numbness. Just when I think I am done crying for him.... I break down again. I dont think my body can produce the tears as quickly as I am using them. Cinnamon will not leave my side. I call Banfield to see if I can get his body and ask for someone to return my call asap to let me know. I would like him cremated. I ask for a call back by 10 the next day isince they are already closed. I need to make arrangements this is the reason I want a call back so early. But I thought 10 was generous enough to give them to so they can check in their early morning patients.

5/10 No call by 10 so I call. I can pick up his body. I leave immediately to do so. I pick up his frozen body it is in a garbage bag inside a box. Though I am greatful they put him in a box since I was not thinking clearly enough to bring him... the garbage bag slays me. I bring him home... open the box and bag. I place his bed in a plastic container and put him in it. I wrap him in my sons recieving blanket. Cinnamon sees me take him out of the bag and gets excited... like he is home again. I make him " comfortable", say a prayer and close the lid. Cinnamon watched in confusion as i closed the lid with Kamikazi inside. She sniffed the box and circled it a couple of times as if she were waiting for him to come out. It broke my heart to watch her.Since that time she has done nothing but sleep. I think it brought closure to her too because she had spent the last few days looking for him in the places he normally rests. I brought her out to potty and she did not want to come back inside. So unusual for her. She is lonely now. I am afraid she thinks we are going to kill her since her "brother" is dead. She normally is so attention hungry... pawing at us to hold her.... she now barely responds when we call. I will watch her food intake and bathroom habits over the next few days to make sure she is ok. If by Friday she does not show improvement, I will bring her to the vet to ask how I can help her deal. I have filed a complaint with the BBB.... Banfield.... and am in the process of obtaining his medical records to file a complaint with the Texas Board of Vet Medical Examiners. Thank you QorquisDad for the link. I will update as I go along.

Dear Cindy,

I responded to your post about what to do to help your animals that are grieving, but I'd not read the full story of Kamikazi until now. What a heartbreaking story...to have Kamikazi alive and well one day, and then the next day he's gone. I'm so very sorry. I read in one of your other posts that he was only 2 years old...so very young. I know you must feel cheated out of many happy years with him.

I know you're very fresh in your grief, but I can tell you things will get better. Shiloh was only 5 when she died from lymphoma last September. I still miss her terribly, but the pain is not as searing.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

5\10 continued - my husband saw the body.... and he was choked up. He looked like he was asleep. This made me happy.still feeling very depressed... Cleaned up a little... some of Kamikazi'a mess. Ate dinner and called it a night.
Prayed to God that he would comfort me and give me peace. I also asked for a sign that Kamikazi forgives me and still loves me. Guilt feelings prevail. Taped some video footage of Cinnamon. I will take some pictures tomorrow.

5/11 - Had Kamikazi in the closet all night. I woke at 4.... still only sleeping about 5 hours a night. No dream of Kamikazi.... or at least that I can remember. I ususally dream and I have not had a dream since this happened. Halucinations... yes.... but dreams no. I see Kamikazi everywhere. I went into the chat room for a while. SHowered and went to pick up Kamikazi's medical records. Not easy. They said they could not release the xray. That they have to send it off to get copied. I went out` to the car... and with Kamikazi's lifeliess body in a home made coffin the the back seat, I looked at the medical records.... he had felt the bump..... so... baiscally... with the diagnosis already made... he let Kamikazi wait while the estimate was drawn... knowing full well, because he even states it in his notes, Kamikazi is in critical condition. I was angry. But I had an appointment with the crematorium. SO I had to go. I drove there. got out of the car and was tempted to open the box and let the sun shine on Kamikazi's body one last time. But since he would not be there to enjoy it... decided it was pointless. But it did make me sad to think this was the last time sun light would ever "touch" my baby boy. I brought the coffin in. and they filled out the paperwork for me. They told me I could have a minute to say goodbye if I wanted. I could not do it. I tried. Maybe in my heart it is because I know it is not goodbye... but see you later. Maybe because I never wanted to say goodbye to him. What ever it was... I know I could not bring myself to do it. I must admit I was kinda glad to get rid of his body... knowing he was kinda in there... was very painful the last 24 hours.

5/11 continuted... Life is creeping back up on me. I noticed how filthy I have let the house get. decided to do something about it. started cleaning the bedroom. Found it very difficult because I found his little stuffed kitties in his places that he hid them

Hi there,

I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved baby in such a heartbreaking way.

I hope that writing this journal will help you to find some peace with what happened. It helped me to do mine, and I thank you for taking the time to read it.

Email me anytime if you like, the address in my profile.

Steph