I Hate Mondays, I'm alone again Options

[Misha's Mommy]

I hate Mondays. It means I'm alone, again.

It's been 4 weeks since I lost my precious Bowie and 7 weeks since I let Misha go. I'm still not okay. I cry for Bowie every day. I still wish he'd come back to me. I guess I'm "stuck" in my grieving process and my husband doesn't understand. He moved on in the first week and is looking towards the future, he says, and I'm stuck in the past. He's not a very emotional person and has told me he can't relate to the way I'm feeling. I don't understand how he got over Bowie that quickly. How he doesn't miss them, or doesn't want to talk about them. I feel alone, even when he's around. But, when Mondays come around, I really am alone. Almost 16 years having Misha and Bowie by my side during the day - pretty much my entire adult life - and now, no one. To top it off, my husband is going out of town for a business trip this week and I'm afraid. I haven't been alone, overnight, in almost 16 years. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I guess you need to know that I don't have children. For much of the last 13 years I worked from home, part time, in various jobs. So, I was with my dogs, a lot. And they were my focus. I quit my last job at the end of June this year, because I couldn't do it anymore. The stress of caring for Misha and her deteriorating health/multiple health problems for the last two years, along with trying to be a good mom to Bowie, and trying to keep our home and life in some sort of order, finally got to me and something had to go. A bonus to not working was that I was going to be able to spend all of my time making up the last couple of years to Bowie, once I let Misha go, which I knew was going to be soon. But, that hope, that plan, was ripped away with the cancer diagnosis. And, months ago, in the midst of our life being on hold while Misha was going downhill, my husband was resentful that we couldn't go on vacation. He wanted to escape, which I understood, but I was Misha's caregiver...we weren't going anywhere until she was gone. He came up with his dream vacation and I promised we could do that extended one when Bowie left us - which I thought would be in 3-4 years. The week after we lost Bowie, he booked his dream vacation, with my input, although it was reluctant. And, he wants to take a second one. These trips are 3-4 week long trips that I refuse to take if we have a dog, so we have to take them now. So, I can't get another dog for about a year. After these trips are over. And, no, I'm not excited about them. They'll always be tied to losing my Bowie. Husband is not happy that I'm not excited about the trips.

So, it's Monday, and I'm alone again. I'm having a lot of trouble with that, along with everything I've lost...my babies, my past, my plans for the future, my life, my identity.

Misha's Mommy

[janika]

Dear Misha's Mom

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Misha and Bowie. What you must have been through, I know must be unbearable. Your darlings are together, and no longer enduring any pain or suffering. I know this seems poor consulation when you are feeling the pain of the double loss so badly. I wish I could do or say something to make the pain go away, but this is something that will take time... believe me it will ease, eventually so that you can think of your Angels in a happy way, and the love will come flooding back without being accompanied by so much pain and heartache. They would not want their beloved MOM to be sad, bless them.

I am sorry that your husband is not being more compassionate. Maybe it's his way of coping, seeming to be strong, maybe even thinking that in his way he will be helping you by being 'strong'. Also booking the holidays might be his way of trying to help you... and him , by having something to look forward to. I know just how you feel. My family booked to take me away for a week to Yorkshire, just after I lost my Noushka (2 years ago now). I dreaded it, and I must admit I spent most of the first days crying, the next few days talking to anyone who I saw with a dog, asking if I could have a hug, and telling them all about my darling Angels, Tasha and Noushka. I have to admit that it was a good thing, really, I think just the talking about them to other dog lovers helped so much.... a little like on this great forum.
Take each day , one at a time.... try and think of happy things you all did together,,, close your eyes and picture them in your minds eye. I still do this... I don't even have to try very hard, involuntarily their faces appear to me when I close my eyes.... I'm not sure how this happens but I always feel comforted.
Please know that you are not alone, there are so many wonderful friends here on this site. Please come back when you can and let us know how you are. This weekend when your husband is away, do you have someone you could stay with maybe, or someone who could visit you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your darlings, Misha and Bowie
Massive hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie

[Misha's Mommy]

Thank you, Jan. I do think of them, all the time. It seems I can't stop thinking about them, or talking about them - especially when I'm alone, which is a lot of the time. But, it almost always leads to tears and longing to have them, especially Bowie, back with me.

I don't think it's his way of coping. We've talked about it. He doesn't get the emotional part of it. He's such a logical person, and after this, I sometimes wonder if he'd cry if he lost me. The way he described it this weekend is that he doesn't see the point in dwelling on the past, he looks toward the future. What's done is done, and we can't change it. But they were such huge parts of our lives...how could he just ignore that? How could he not miss them? Not think of them? He doesn't understand how I'm still grieving after 4 weeks. Maybe I'm having more issues than others. We have talked about me getting counseling. The support groups I've been going to aren't helping me progress through this like I thought they would.

I don't have anyone who could stay with me, and I don't want to burden anyone - the only family I have locally is my husband's sister, but her house is full. She really doesn't have room for visitors.

[Bobbie]

Dear Misha and Bowie's Mom,

Please accept my deep condolences on the loss of your precious darlings, Misha and Bowie. They sound like little angels (which they now are) and I can understand your incredible grief. I lost my Trevor, the bravest little dog in the world, over 9 weeks ago, and am having just as difficult a time as you are describing. Time does seem to do some healing and I cn be out in public, alone or with our new doggie, and be pretty "normal". But the times alone, esp. at night are harrowing at times. I cry and sob for my little guy and am so torn between wanting to be with him again and wanting him only to be healthy and happy. He was one sick little dog (from abuse) from the day we adopted him until the day we sent him to Heaven over the Rainbow Bridge. We lived together for just 2 years and 2 months.

This grief journey is like nothing I've experienced before. And I've been told it's like the "rollercoaster from hell". I believe it. What you are feeling and going through is NORMAL. OK? NORMAL FOR YOU! Normal for just about everyone on this wonderfully supportive site. You will find that, here, you can say what you want to, ask questions, tell stories, whatever you need and YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE!!!!! It may take some time for us to answer, but there will always be many people to support and understand, guide and hold you. I know, it's been true for Trevor and me.

As for your husband, his philosopy is HIS, not YOURS. And, try as he may, it will never be yours. My husband has had a difficult time with each of our doggies as they get old and sick. I don't know why that is - it just is. So, like you, I take up the slack and care for and adore my dog(s). We have done a bit of talking about our differing attitudes, but can only agree to disagree. I'm holding tight to my philosophy until such time that something more gentle, softer, comforting, etc. comes along to help me. I'm open to that at any time. Perhaps, acknowledging his philosophy as OK for him and YOUR philosophy is OK for YOU may help. No guaratees.

Another thing I do, is have Trevor's pictures up all over the house, in my car and in my wallet. It is comforting to know that they help remind me of him, good times and not-so-good times. I sleep with his picture covered in a piece of his favorite blanket, too. I do the things I have to do to comfort myself because looking for comfort elsewhere can be a difficult task. However, on this blessed site, you will never have that problem.

I have to go for now, but I will be thinking of you and Misha and Bowie all day. I will also tell Trevor to keep an eye out for them "up there"! Please have a bit of peace for yourself today and let us, all, know how you are doing. And when you feel up to it, tell us about Misha & Bowie. OK?

Blessings...............................
Bobbie

PS: Look forward to hearing from Moon_Beam!!!!!!!!

[rainbohdi]

hi misha's mommy

i'm 9 months into this journey and i'm still not ok by a long way. i'm not telling you that to depress you or make you lose hope, i just wanted to let you know that it takes a long time for those of us that love with all our being. there's nothing wrong with you, especially when you had two losses so close together.

like you i don't have kids, my furbaby was the closest i could get to having a child. i'm on disability so i was always at home with my girl, she was the reason i got up in the morning and my source of love and happiness for 15 and a half years. i had purpose and that was to take care of my precious baby girl. i understand what it means to lose all of that. it's a pain that words seem so inadequate to describe. i wish i knew something to say to help make it easier for you. all i can do is reach out to you and say that what you wrote resonated with me, which makes it a kind of shared experience (even it is from far away and through a computer screen).

i hate sundays and the 26th of every month as my girl was killed on a sunday the 26th. we had a routine for sundays and now that's gone and i never know what to do on them anymore. nothing feels right and i doubt it ever quite will.

i don't have a partner, so i live alone and it's very lonely for sure. i do feel for you though because having someone there who just does not understand or even try to can sometimes feel even more lonely than having noone there.

i have found that looking at pictures, talking or writing about my girl, cuddling her blanket and all those sorts of things are just things i need to do, even if those things end in tears or strong feelings. i need to remember her happy and healthy and here loving me with me loving her. i think we do that for as long as we need to and for each person and with each relationship lost, that will be a different amount of time and a with different intensity. only you know what that is for you and your precious misha and bowie.

i hope you can give yourself permission to do all the grieving that your heart knows you need to do, whatever anyone else may think. i also hope that you can be gentle with yourself as you navigate your way through that grief.

take gentle care
rain

[moon_beam]

Hi, Misha's Mommy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved Bowie and Misha. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing two beloved companions in a short period of time is extremely traumatic.

Our forum friends Jan and Bobbie have shared with you a lot of what is in my heart, so please read their responses to you frequently.

I, too, am very saddened that your husband is not able to offer you more comfort and compassion. As Jan and Bobbie have shared with you, what you are feeling is NORMAL. Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as traumatic, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. The grief journey and emotions are identical. Why can it be more traumatic? Because our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn, surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation. Why is this so different than the bond we have with other human relationships? Simply put, human relationships have "expectations" attached to them, and no one person - - however hard they may try - - can fulfill all of our emotional needs at any given time. Our beloved companions, on the other hand, live just for us. Their sole purpose in their earthly journey is to love us just for who we are. They don't care what our social status is, the financial weatlh - - or lack thereof, or the housing arrangements - - be it in a multi-million dollar mansion, a more humble financial abode, - - or a tent, cardboard box or freeway underpass. This is why, among many more reasons, it is so painful - - both emotionally and physically - - when they precede us to the angels.

And it is both an emotinoal and physical painful adjustment in our lives. We live in a physical-oriented world: sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our precious companions touch us - - rub up against us, lick us - - they are imprinting themselves on to us telling the world that they belong to us - - and we belong to them. When we no longer have the precious gift of their physical presence with us, our physical bodies literally experience a withdrawal from their physical touch with us. This is one of the many reasons why it is important for you to find a way to find some form of physical comfort when you feel consumed with the aching to hold your beloved Bowie and Misha. For me, I slept with my beloved companions blankets and collars under my pillow, and held tightly onto them when the deep grief emotions were so overwhelming. Doing this helps to bridge the physical absence and ease the excruciating pain of not being able to hold and touch them. If you have fur from them - - from a brush or as you're cleaning - - pick it up and put it in a plastic baggie so that you can have some of their fur to feel and smell. Please believe me when I say doing this does NOT make you crazy -- but rather will help prevent you from feeling like you are going insane with the grief.

Misha's Mommy, this grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Unfortunately our society barely acknowledges the grieving process for a human family member or friend. After the funeral, the bereaved are expected to "move on" with their lives. Unfortunately, our society in general does not acknowledge the need to grieve for a beloved companion, but I assure you that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. The terms "move on", "closure", etc., were developed during the beginnings of hospice in this country. I assure you, there is no "moving on" or "closure" to adjusting our lives without our beloved companions. It IS a journey of "ADJUSTMENT" without their precious physical presence with us, and in time - - in your own way and in your own time - - you will make this adjustment, for in making this adjustment the deep grief will ease and you will be able to remember your beloved Bowie and Misha with a happy heart, and this is what your beloved Bowie and Misha want for you. Your beloved Bowie and Misha are FOREVER a part of you, their sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey just as they always have and always will - - they are forever a heartbeat close to you.

Misha's Mommy, I know I have written a lot to you, and it may seem overwhelming right now. I know there are no words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of grief that is in your heart. But please know you are NEVER alone in your grief journey, Misha's Mommy. We are here for you to share whatever is in your heart and on your mind. Perhaps sometime you would feel up to posting pictures of your beloved Bowie and Misha - - but only when / if you are up to it.

Misha's Mommy, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will have a peaceful evening, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

Good Morning Misha and Bowie's Mom!

I'm checking in to see how you are doing today. I hope you were able to get some rest last night.

And remember, Misha and Bowie are just that heartbeat closer than you think.

I'm here for you any time!

Blessings..........................
Bobbie

[Misha's Mommy]

Thank you, Rain -

I have a big stuffed frog toy that my Bowie loved. It wasn't his favorite toy - I haven't been able to touch his favorite toys yet - they're still sitting in the pile of blankets and things I brought back from the vet that night - Anyway, he did play with this toy more than many of the other ones and many nights, while my husband and I are sitting on the sofa watching tv, or I'm on the computer, I'll hold onto and hug his "mega-frog". It helps me feel a little less alone.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

misha's mommy

[Misha's Mommy]

Bobbie,
Thank you - I tend to lie in bed forever at night, thinking about them, many times I cry, but not always. I eventually fall asleep and then feel depressed, immediately when I wake up and realize they're gone. Yesterday, I was numb most of the day after I spent the morning crying my eyes out. This numbness tends to happen for a couple of days each week, then I go back to being really emotional.

I'm so sorry about your loss of Trevor, but I'm glad you've also found support here on this forum. I'm the same in never experiencing anything like this before.

I've gotten used to the idea that my husband is finished with his grieving. I don't like it, I don't understand it, but I've gotten used to it. He expects me to be done. And that's the problem right now. He wants to "fix" it, but I told him he can't, and that frustrates him. I feel anger towards him for several different reasons and he's frustrated with me, and that's where we are right now. My numb day yesterday was helpful in that I didn't cry in front of him. It's days like that (along with today) where I feel he thinks I'm all better, but I know the flood is just around the corner and can begin again at any minute.

I do have photos of them all over the place and on my mobile phone. They're always with me in that form. Perhaps I should begin sleeping with one of Bowie's toys...

misha's mommy

[Misha's Mommy]

Thank you, moon_beam...your words are very helpful.

Missing their physical presence...that's a huge part of my problem. I have some friends who, I know, completely understand how I feel in losing Misha or Bowie. But, I don't feel they can relate to losing the two of them so close together, or that I don't have another baby to lean on and love. All of them had/have multiple dogs and did so when their loved one died. They always had another one to touch and receive love from and I feel that eased the grief, just a little, for them. I don't have that. I feel they can't completely understand what I'm going through. And unless they loved as deeply as I did, lived for their dogs as I did, and wound up with none, as I did, I don't feel they can REALLY understand what I'm going through.

It seems I'm finding plenty of that understanding here, though.

I clipped fur from both Misha and Bowie just after they had passed. Both are in baggies next to their ashes, but I don't feel like I can touch them yet. Cleaning...I can't do it yet - I feel like I'll begin erasing them once I start cleaning. Both dogs had fairly short hair that didn't stay in the brush unless they were really shedding. It's been months since they last shed enough. I did go looking for Bowie's hair in our sheets before finally changing them last week. I felt like I collected so many of them, but when I looked at the baggie later, there seemed to be so few. I was so sad to see that. I'll probably go around and inspect corners and other areas later this week to find their fur. I'll hang onto Bowie's mega-frog toy more often to help me deal more with their losses.

misha's mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Misha's Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. What you are feeling about not cleaning is perfectly natural. So the best solution is not to do it until you are ready. Hopefully by that time you will know that there is no possible way you can ever "erase" your beloved Bowie and Misha from your life or home. They are ALWAYS and FOREVER a part of you, Misha's Mommy - - no amount of vacuuming or laundry can ever diminish the presence of their sweet Living Spirits forever a heartbeat close to you.

"My numb day yesterday was helpful in that I didn't cry in front of him. It's days like that (along with today) where I feel he thinks I'm all better, but I know the flood is just around the corner and can begin again at any minute."

There were times during my deep grief when feeling numb was a welcome relief from the gut-wrenching sobbing driving to and from work, and waking up in the middle of the night with an overwhelming profound feeling of loss. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could go to compose myself from a wave of deep sadness so that I could go back to my desk and continue my work. It is important that you give yourself the time to grieve your sorrow, Misha's Mommy.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Bowie and Misha with us. I hope you will have a peaceful evening, Misha's Mommy, comforted with your beloved Bowie's and Misha's sweet Living Spirits in your heart and memories. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

Good Morning Misha & Bowie's Mommy,

Checking in to say Good Morning to you and the kids. I hope you were able to get some rest last night. And that today will be kinder to you. I would like to comment on a few things in your post to me, if that's OK. If not, just slide down to the end.

My worst time is at night, also. It seems I can keep "busy" during daylight hours to hold the immense sorrow at bay. But come nighttime, which is usually when I check my messages and am on the computer, and it's all downhill for me. If you check some of my own posts you can see how slowly I'm progressing along this grief journey. And I've had 5 other C Spaniels before Trevor! So, I do some of my more intense crying in the computer room, where no one can hear me and I just let it all out. I've started writing a manuscript about Trevor and that seems to help a bit. Trevor's Neurologist offered to help me if I want to have it published. Trevor was a very sick dog and I made it my mission to be with him as much as possible, to make him feel happier than ever, to keep him out of pain and to help him feel loved every minute of every day. I gave up a lot in order to do this and stayed home (I am disabled, too) most of the time. And every second that we were apart, I was antsy to get back home to him. I'd never had a dog with his medical and social problems, but thankfully, I'd been a pediatric respiratory therapist for many years, so I had a good background when coming to his "diseases" (severe hydrocephalus, Chiari malformation and sryingomyelia) and the treatments involved. I was also very grateful that I didn't work because I could be with Trevor as much as possible. He was a real Mama's Boy and I loved it. But, as you know only so well, when the future catches up with you, this bond and closeness makes the whole issue of releasing our companion(s) from pain and suffering that much worse.

Don't even worry about "cleaning" ANYTHING! With every boy I lost, it took me many MONTHS to begin to put away anything. My first dog's comforters stayed in our upstairs hallway (he liked to sleep on them during the night) for NINE MONTHS before I even gave a thought to moving them. Luckily, I have a spouse who doesn't care if these things are out. With Trevor, I think I told you that I sleep with his picture (and I added my last dog, Rudy's as well) wrapped in a piece of his blanket; we have pictures of him in almost every room, love notes to him posted in the kitchen and bathrooms and we light a small Yatzeit (Jewish memorial candle) candle every day. We write his name and a message on the glass before we light the candle for the day. And it stays lit until we go to bed at night, when we blow it out and say "Good Night, Trevor. We love you." And believe me, I am the one doing that the majority of the time. You don't need to "clean", rearrange or dispose of anything until YOU are ready to do so and then you may change you mind a hundred times, too. Just like I have. I feel the only authority that can make me do any of this before I am ready is the Housing Authority!! (and you know they don't care)

I might suggest that you simply tell your husband that YOU are not finished with your grieving and you don't know when you will be. Another suggestion from what I am actually doing: find a good counselor for yourself and focus on pet loss and the grief that comes with it. I know my therapist has been incredibly helpful in even just listening and affirming that I am NOT crazy with this issue. Actually, I am quite normal and that is from someone who has never heard of this website! Many therapists have pets, also, and can truly identify with your suffering. DON"T force yourself to rush through your grieving journey. That never works. As far as his trying to "fix" the problem, that's what most men are geared to do. I told my hubby, that I respected his way of getting over Trevor's loss and asked him to respect mine as well. That means that we don't expect the other person to necessarily DO anything about our grief, just "be there" and sometimes just leave us alone with our thought and feelings. When I talk about Trevor I don't expect an answer from my husband and am grateful on the occasions when I do! Make that boundary clear to him. You will respect him, but he must also respect you, at least with your terrible losses. I know it sounds easier than doing it, but once you've made the move, you might be surprised at the relief YOU feel and the response you get. By the way, respecting someone else's ideas, etc. doesn't mean you have to agree or even understand where they are coming from, but you are showing them the respect that every person deserves. Oh! And the anger is totally undestandable, too. Soooooo many emotions are running through your mind and heart at this time and there's not a whole lot you can do with that right now, except accepting them as part of this horrid roller coaster.

You reminded me that, after Rudy died, I slept with his 2nd favorite stuffed Barney toy. (His favorite went with him in his grave.) Matter of fact, that Barney is still on my bed and I sleep close to it at night, too. When my Birney died, I slept with one of his king-siezed pillows. (We have a very crowded king-size bed!) And Rudy's been gone for over 3 years. At this point, whatever gives you comfort at night----it's OK.

I know I have written a whole lot of stuff for now. I just feel so badly for you and our situations (except for the cruises) sound incredibly similar. Keep writing on this site (even during the night if you need to). You will get all the understanding and support you need/want. And when you can, please tell us more about Misha and Bowie!

Blessings.........................
Bobbie

[Misha's Mommy]

I've gotten through the last 2 nights alone by leaving the TV on in the bedroom and not falling asleep until I was unable to keep my eyes open any longer - that came at about 2 am, both nights. I fell asleep hugging one of Bowie's toys. Last night was harder than Wednesday night. My husband will be coming home tonight. But, this whole thing will repeat again next week, when he goes out of town, again. I may try to borrow my friend's dog to keep me company...we'll see.

I posted about my Misha and Bowie on here before - 2 days after I lost my Bowie - http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=6343
That post contains more info on how I lost Bowie than anything on Misha. Misha's loss was not as new as Bowie's and I had been anticipating hers for almost 2 years. So, it wasn't killing me as much as Bowie's at the time. There's just so much I want to say about the two of them, I don't feel there could ever be enough room to fit it. I'll try to do a shortened version -

It's been 8 weeks today since I let Misha go. She would have been 16 on November 2nd.

Misha was my first dog. I got her when I was in my last year of college, in December 1995. She was a beagle. At 7 weeks, she was the only pup in the litter who ran over to us and chewed on my husband's (then fiancee) shoelaces. I wanted her. We returned a week later and picked her up. My husband and I were clueless about dogs. We bought one book to help with training, etc., and it's not one I'd ever follow again. Misha turned out to be a 1 on the Volhard puppy aptitude test - a pup that 1st time, inexperienced people shouldn't have. She was a handful in that first year, but we got through it, mostly because of her resiliency, and she turned out to be an awesome companion. The vet said she'd be 25 lbs., but she grew to be longer and taller than a typical beagle, and averaged around 44 lbs. most of her adulthood. We moved a lot in her first 6 years of life. She learned to love traveling. She was always enthusiastic about everything we did with her. We hiked and walked with her a lot, no matter the weather. She loved snow. When she was 6, I started taking her to agility classes. She excelled and absolutely LOVED agility. She used to whine and cry and bark while she waited for her turn to go in class. She was such a driven dog. She was almost ready to compete (still wasn't solid on weave poles) within a year, but life got in the way and we never did compete with her. That's one thing I'll always regret, because it brought her so much joy.

In January 2002, we got a Vizsla puppy from a responsible breeder. We had driven almost 2000 miles, round trip, to get him. We named him Bowie. Within a couple of days, it was apparent that something was wrong. He was weak and having trouble breathing, it seemed - he was breathing harder than he should have been. He wound up in emergency and we learned one of his heart valves wasn't working. Blood was backing up, and into his lungs. He almost died on us multiple times. I remember one night so clearly, how he was struggling to breathe. Specialists finally stabilized him and the breeder drove to our house to pick him up. She had resources and knowledge that we didn't. She took him back with her and eventually kept him (which was fine, as he had become hers during that time). Texas A&M vet school repaired the congenital defect in his heart when he was 4 months old. He lived with her until August 9, 2009, when his heart finally gave up on him. He was 7 years old.

We got a "replacement" pup from the same breeder later in 2002. My husband couldn't agree on a new name for this pup, so we just named him Bowie. He was our 1st Bowie's 1/2 brother. Our Bowie was born May 12, 2002; we picked him up around the 4th of July. Right off the bat, we noticed this Bowie was different from the 1st Bowie and from Misha. He was more observant, and was always looking for a lap. His personality was the complete opposite of Misha's. He was shy, not confident, wanted to please, avoided getting in trouble, was super easy to train, was VERY affectionate. He became afraid of children and other dogs (especially males and larger dogs), and some men. I got him into behavior modification-type classes when he was about 3 years old. By then, he was showing true signs of fear aggression with other dogs, while Misha was our social butterfly. I began agility and rally obedience training with him to try to build his confidence. We learned how to manage his issues. He got a little better. Age also mellowed him.

In late 2008, Misha began licking her bed and the carpet A LOT. I didn't know what it was, but it continued and she just didn't look happy. After it snowed once in December, I noticed her urine was red. We treated a UTI. It didn't help the sadness in her eyes, though. In Feb, 2009, I went to a new vet. Misha had begun crossing her back legs on walks. After every test/xray/ultrasound you can imagine, we tried some meds and found that Tramadol was helping - it was pain that I was seeing. She continued to feel better, but the back leg crossing continued, and she'd lose her balance a lot. They recommended I go to a neurologist. We saw him in June 2009. He said she had spinal cord compression, affecting her right back leg. We could do surgery, but since Misha was 13 1/2, we decided not to. Prednisone was suggested and we tried it.

The pred worked. That was late June. In the 3rd week of August, she tore her cruciate ligament in her left leg. Right leg was the one that was neurologically compromised. We decided against surgery, for various reasons, and did conservative management (confinement and restricted activity) for 8 weeks, along with getting her a custom leg brace from OrthoPets. We had to increase the pred to help the right leg take up the slack. We used a belly sling to take her out to potty in the back yard (3 steps to get to the grass). She did pretty well with all of that. I bought a used dog stroller so she could go with us and Bowie on our walks. We did physical therapy, including using an underwater treadmill. She had a UTI in October. Another one in November, and her liver numbers started escalating. We adjusted her prednisone dosage and began giving her Denamarin to support the liver.

On Dec 30, she had, what I first believed was a seizure. She was better the next day and the vet visit yielded nothing. They though it was vestibular disease.

In 2010, we battled multiple mini-strokes (originally thought to be vestibular disease), which were confirmed as such in Sept by the neurologist. She started Enacard in May to try to control high blood pressure spikes. It helped for a couple of months before she had more and then the neurologist added Amlodipine in Sept. She had recurring UTI’s all year. We’d get the infections under control, but they’d be back within a couple of weeks. She had proteinuria and continued to have high liver values. In June, she started having bowel accidents in the house. Now, I know that was the beginning of her symptoms of Canine Cognitive Dysfunction (CCD), doggie alzheimer’s.

We tried acupuncture to help with the accidents and other stuff. We thought they were from the weakening spinal nerves. It did seem to help for awhile. We started pulsed antibiotics in December to better control the UTI’s. In early April 2011 , her panting and pacing, accidents, confusion, separation anxiety, etc, got too overwhelming for me. I finally realized she had CCD (something my vet had already mentioned) and called my vet the next day to start Misha on Anipryl. It didn’t seem to work fast enough and we decided to let her go on May 2nd. My awesome vet told me that she felt I’d regret it - she knew how much I was doing for Misha and could hear my doubt about it being the right time. We didn’t go through with it. We put her back on the Anipryl, tried other meds, and was connected with a woman who could watch Misha for us during the day, or if we needed to go on vacation. This was priceless for us, because I couldn’t leave Misha alone for long - she’d have an accident and walk in it, (I went through gallons of Nature’s Miracle and washed so many sheets and incontinence pads in those months) she had separation anxiety, she was taking multiple medications on a set schedule. I needed to be with her much of the day. Within 2 weeks, we saw an improvement in her personality and a slight improvement in the bowel accidents. She was more engaged in what was happening around her. The panting and pacing at night improved. May was good. I was hopeful. Things were so-so in early June. The bowel accidents increased again in late June and (what we thought was) anxiety returned. At some point, we added gabapentin to her medicine list. She was getting really weak in her back legs. She was now taking Tramadol, prednisone, enacard, amlodipine, thyrozine, anipryl (we took her off of denamarin), amoxicillin, and gabapentin.

This was very stressful for us. Our life was on hold, it had been since that cruciate tear. Hubby was done. He was ready to let her go months earlier. He wanted a vacation. He wasn’t even dealing with what I was. No cleaning up after her. No giving her baths after she fell, walked in, sat in her poop. No giving her meds every few hours. No getting up early in the morning to give her meds and take her out to potty (we continued to use the belly sling until she left us - she never became stable enough to take steps again after the cruciate tear in Aug 09). No washing her sheets/bedding every few days. He wasn't worrying about her constantly, and worrying if he was doing the right thing by Misha every single minute. That was all on me. And, Bowie wasn’t getting walks regularly. I felt guilty about that. He was a sensitive boy and he saw what was happening with Misha. I know he was feeling our stress.

I started taking Bowie to a really good agility class in April 2010. He wasn’t fast, or awesome, but he was so eager to please - that class was easy, and he seemed to be having a good time. At least we were doing something together and he was getting some attention without the stress of Misha around us. We continued classes and he competed in his first agility competition this past Memorial Day weekend. We had a good time and he did well for his first time in competition. I was looking forward to many more weekends like that. I was going to make up the last 2 years to him. We went into the mountains (I’m in the Denver area) for a hiking vacation with him for a 4th of July trip. Misha stayed at the sitter’s house, which we called “doggie camp”. We had a lot of fun on that trip and I felt good about everything. I was looking forward to doing this more with Bowie. We had been cheated over the last couple of years and, while I was sad that I knew I'd be losing Misha soon, I knew we’d be able to get back to a normal life with Bowie. And do all the things we hadn’t been able to do for so long. I was going to make it up to him with more days out looking for birds, more walks, more hiking. So many things we hadn't done in the last 2 years. He did get tons of love and attention, though. That he was never deprived of. He was such a lover. Always with me.

The night we returned from that trip, we picked up Misha and later, she had, what looked like, a mini stroke. The following week, I stepped in red pee in our bedroom; she had another UTI. We changed the antibiotics from every other day, to every day. She had many indoor accidents in the next week. Bowie had an agility trial on July 16th and 17th and we’d have to be gone most of both days, so Misha went to “doggie camp” that weekend.

On Saturday, July 16th, we got to the agility trial early. When it was finally Bowie's turn, he was hesitant in taking the jumps. I managed to get him to take 4 with a lot of pleading. I thought he was just tired. He fell off the sofa that night -he went to get down and sort of collapsed. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. The next day, he seemed to have a tummy ache, so we didn't go to the competition. Instead, my husband and I spent the day planning our RV trip next year with him. We were going to buy an RV and go to Alaska, and I also wanted to take him to see the beach/ocean in California. I went to pick Misha up and Bowie wasn't better after dinner, so I took him into the ER, when I found out he had cardiac hemangiosarcoma. I felt cursed. We did a pericardial tap. He refused to eat any dog food after that; his tummy became extra sensitive. I began home cooking for him.

The following week, Misha started hopping severely on her front right leg. It had been happening off and on for awhile but became almost constant the week of the 17th. She began having a lot of trouble getting around. Her back legs gave out on her when she stood in one place. When she had accidents in the house, she'd fall into it. She began to refuse taking her pills in pill pockets; I had to dip them in canned food. She was becoming less interested in her food. Some of the cognitive issues, like trying to go through the wrong side of the door, were returning. My vet said the leg hopping was most likely severe arthritis. Misha was on prednisone, gabapentin, and the max dose of Tramadol that she could take, and if the pain was still coming through that, I knew it had to be bad.

That last week, she was too tired at night to follow us into the bedroom. I carried her to bed each night. In the last 3 days, I carried her out to potty; she didn't want to take the steps out to the grass. She didn't want to go with us (in her stroller) on a walk. She was tired. She was panting so hard in the afternoons. I started pointing a fan at her to try to help her. On the last day, August 5th, the vet said Misha had moderate to severe laryngeal paralysis.

Misha fought the sedative that was given to her before the last shot. The vet said she should have become tired within a minute or two. After 5 minutes, she was still chowing down on the cookies and baby food they provided. At some point, she started looking like she was going to puke and instead, had a very difficult burp/vurp. She did that 3 times. She looked awful, so uncomfortable. I felt so guilty. Then she raised up and looked like she was trying to escape. She looked like she was in agony. My vet helped her lie down. Shortly after, she was given the last injection, and was gone. I couldn't believe what had just happened.

She had rarely been afraid at that vet and was never afraid in that room. That day, she tried to hide under the chair in the corner and tried to get us to leave with her through the door. All of these signs, including her fighting of the sedative, told me later that she wasn't ready to go; that I forced her to leave us. I feel like I betrayed her. And I feel that her last conscious moments were horrible, her ending was not peaceful, and that haunts me. I tried so hard to do right by her and failed miserably at the end. She fought it. She wasn't ready. I feel the time was close, but I feel like that exact time was exactly the wrong time, based on what happened.

We had to let Bowie go about 3 weeks later, on August 28. I couldn't control that one. When that bleed started that night, he was dying in front of me. It progressed so quickly that night. He was suffering. I had to end that suffering for him. All those plans I had put on hold, the newer ones I had made, they were all ripped away when he was diagnosed. I felt cheated. Oh...I loved him so much...I think he was my heart dog.

I feel like I lived through a nightmare those last 2 months. I lost my babies, my future, my past, my identity. After almost 16 years with Misha, I have no routine, no reason to get up in the morning, no source of joy. My life, my identity was my dogs. I was a dog mom. That was my job. I was looking forward to time with Bowie after everything I went through with Misha. I felt it was going to be my reward for taking care of her for the last 2 years. I'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to life without them.

misha's mommy

My Misha & Bowie in 2005

[moon_beam]

"I feel like I lived through a nightmare those last 2 months. I lost my babies, my future, my past, my identity."

Hi, Misha's Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and for sharing with us your Misha's and Bowie's earthly journey with you. What you are feeling is perfectly normal because you love your beloved furkids. You were their primary caregiver during their earthly journey, and your devotion to their every need comes through loud and clear. Our beloved companions are totally dependent upon us for their every need and care - - for their food, their medical care, their entertainment, their physical needs. They become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels one of the painful "adjustments" we are faced having to make is to re-define who we are and establish a "new normal", all the time being always mindful that this is happening because our beloved companions are no longer physically sharing our lives. This adjustment doesn't happen within a few hours, days, weeks - - it takes time and it's a very painful adjustment - - both emotionally and physically.

"All of these signs, including her fighting of the sedative, told me later that she wasn't ready to go; that I forced her to leave us. I feel like I betrayed her. And I feel that her last conscious moments were horrible, her ending was not peaceful, and that haunts me. I tried so hard to do right by her and failed miserably at the end."

Misha's Mommy, please, please do not blame yourself. You did NOT betray your beloved Misha. You did the very best for your Misha at all times and all circumstances. The decisions you made were ALWAYS AND FOREMOST for HER benefit. I know what it is like to be haunted by the last final moments of a traumatic event, and making the decision to release our companions from their failing, frail, physical body is traumatic. Please know that your beloved Misha is eternally grateful to you for ALL you did for her during her earthly journey. The transition journey from this side of eternity is not always peaceful, unfortunately, but this has NOTHING to do with you, Misha's Mommy. I do hope and pray that somehow in your grief journey you will be able to find some peace and comfort in your heart that your beloved Misha is eternally grateful to you.

Misha's Mommy, please know that your beloved Misha and Bowie are eternally grateful for all you did for them during their earthly journeys with you. Losing the physical presence of BOTH your furkids within a short period of time is very traumatic. This grief journey can leave us feeling alone, abandoned, isolated. Please know you are NEVER alone, for each of us are here for you and we will never abandon you. You are among friends here who truly understand what you are going through, so you will never need to feel as through you are isolated.

Thank you again so very much for sharing with us your beloved Misha and Bowie, and for the wonderful picture of them together. I hope you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Misha's and Bowie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Misha's Mommy, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Misha's Mommy]

A friend is letting me borrow her 8.5 month puppy for the next couple of days while my husband is out of town, again. This time, I won't be alone like I was last week. I'm grateful for that. I'll have a reason to get up in the morning - something I'm responsible for again, if even for just a couple of days. I'm hoping it brings some sort of shift to my thinking. But, then again, since I cannot get another dog for another 9 months or so (the trips husband wants to take), I don't know if it will. I'm afraid it'll just make me long more for Bowie to be here, or resentful that I can't have another dog to call mine for almost a year. A year is such a long time to wait after having Misha and Bowie in my life for nearly 16 years...

We'll see...I feel like I've forgotten what it felt like to have Bowie in my life - the actual feeling/emotions I had when I looked at him, touched him...the feeling I had when he looked at me with those gorgeous, loving, brown eyes. Maybe it'll come back to me while cuddling this visiting pup. I hope so. I want to feel it again. I miss him so...