Remebering Mr Buddles Options

[MrBuddles]

Hi there, my name is Mark. Two weeks and 3 days ago i lost a very special part of my life. His name was Mr Buddles. He was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't belive two weeks only. I feel like i've been going through this for months now. I joined this group the day after it happened. But i am finally posting on here becuase i need to share his life with someone, just anyone who will listen. Don't get me wrong, i have had amazing support from friends and family but when they're all gone i seem to go right back to that day, and now it's almost ike i feel haunted by it - the meows, the metal table, his panting, the fact that it was just a check-up and i was supposed to come right back - all of it makes me weeps and so sad. It's so weird that when i put him into the carrying case and he was struggling like he always did i kept reminding him that it's only going to take 20 minutes and then we'll be home. He never came home. I came home alone, i smelled of him, his fur all over me becuase after they put him down i couldn't let go of him. I wanted to hold him forever and even as i write this i smell him, his scent. I finally washed the clothes i was wearing this past weekend. I see him every day lying on that metal table, i wanted him to go with some dignity so i covered him in a brown towel. It's as clear as day everytime. He's right there and his eyes are open and i'm trying to close the. I held him for an hour, and my friends slowly coaxed me away from him.

Walking out into the daylight felt so strange. It was sunny when we went in, and now the sky was clouded over, and then later that day it snowed. My freinds and I threw Mr Buddles a little wake that evening. They cooked for me, they wanted me to have a few drinks, but i couldn't, i wanted to feel everything that day so i stayed sober and they drank on my behalf. They have been so supportive. They call me the crazy cat guy - i had four, and now three. Their names are Mrs P, Parker, and Posey. They miss him too. Parker would not come near me for about 48 hours after it happened. Posey and Buddles were cuddlebuddies and i know she misses him, and Mrs. P, well i think she's gonna out-live them all. She's 13 and she's the matriach of the house. I 've had her the longest and she'll always be my first one, but she keeps to herself. She eats and sleeps, and sometimes surprises me by sleeping with me in the middle of the night.

Side note: this writing is very cathartic. Whomever started this group i thank you for bringing us together, reading other peoples stories about their undying love for their animals just melted me.

Mr Buddles went in for a regular check up, he had just turned 13 too and i just wanted to make sure that he was doing good. So i took him in that morning, our appointment was at 9:15. I had just missed the streetcar so i waited for the next one, and contemplated taking a cab, but it was literally just around the corner, about a 20 minute walk. As usual Buddles meowed on the streetcar and when he got off the sound of two passing streetcars made him pee i the carrier. He always peed in the carrier. I always gave him bathes after the vet appointments because he always pees. Oh my god, he was the biggest bear of a cat. He was huge, 22 pounds at his heaviest, and he was a bit fat but was also just a very big cat to begin with. People were scared of him at first but then realized he was the biggest mushball in the world. So we got to the vet and there was this barking dog in the reception area so the vet told me to go right in. so i went into the first available room. The doctor came in and asked me what the issue was. I said Buddles had lost some weight, but i thought that was becuase 2 of the kitties had been put on special diet and that food just wasn't nutritionally filling for him. He then weighed him and he had lost 8 pounds since the last time he'd been weighed. That really freaked me out. That concerned the vet too so he decided to feel around and then monitored his heartbeat, and that when my world dropped right out from under me. All he said was "this doesn't look good" and that he needed to take x-rays immediately. He said he was booked up but to wait downstairs where are the lab equipment was and he'd be with me when he had a few minutes. I was tearing up and freaking out a bit.

Once down there i let Buddles just walk around the area, he seemed fine, a little frekaed out but he was his curious self he got in behind some of the machine so i decided to keep him in one of the empty cages down there. I kept teling him it's going to be alright. The doctor and the technician came down and proceeded to do x-rays on him and all i heard was lots of meowing and distress coming from the other room while this was happening. I made me cry even more. They were finally done and when Buddles came back hewas was in visuble distress, panting very hard, with accompanied wheezing. I still hear the sound, that wheezing sound and it just kills me. I had a phoned a friend earlier and he had showed up so i was panicked and told him that i was unable to take all of this in becuase of my state so he wuld have to be with me when the x-ray results came back.

The vet finally came down and wnet over the x-rays with me. His lungs were white, and that is a bad thing, it meant he was not getting any air in his lungs. it turned out that he had a mass growing in his chest cavity that had spread all over and he had maybe 2 wekes tops to live. The doctor didn't saying anything about putting him down just that he would give me time to process all this and he left for a while. I started asking my friend what should i do and i could tell that by the look in his face i knew what i had to do. I could not say the words so i sent my friend upstairs to ask all my questions for me - what are my options, how do they euthanize, should i be in the room, creamtion options, can or should i tak e him home. The doctor came back and answered all my questions for me. I would have been selfish to take Buddles home that day, he was suffering and it was not fair to him at all. I wrestled with that for days after words becuase he looked okay to me, but the vet i talked a few days after it happened and he said that if in fact i brought him home he would have stopped eating then heart failure. I did not want that to happen.

By now another friend of mine had shown up. I wanted them both there ,because they both over the course of Buddles life, were roommates of mine and had grown very close to my cats. We stayed with him for what semeed like hours and siad our goodbyes, them then me. I lay with him on the floor and we just stared at each other, him panting and me weeping, about how much he changed me; how much he made me a better person. I was honoured to have him in my life becuase he shaped me and taught me to love. Then the vet came down with the form...the dreaded form. I asked him all the questions i could and hten...i signed the dotted line. I signed the dotted line. I signed the dotted line. Guilt has plagued me since it happened but i have to remind myself that i signed the dotted line, and in doing so i was ending his suffering, not taking his life. That's the hardest part. Buddles i did it for you baby, i didn't do it for me. That makes me sob everytime i think about it. We all said our goodbyes. My friend had a camera phone so he took a few pictures, that i treasure, i look at all the time. Those were out few hours together and i need that comfort. The vet came down with the needle and i demanded to stay but my friend who had had many cats in her life said she would since she has been through this and would be honoured to do so. so i said my final farewell, i kissed him on the top og his head so many times. I walked up the stiars, and i hugged my friends. I heard him meow a few times and i replied "budldes be a good buy, i love you too". I kept repeating that. And then it all stopped. I was eerily quite, and the technician came up, and said i could go down i i wanted to.

I let my friend go first. and i came down that last step i saw him, lying there. he looked like he was sleeping, and him eyes were open - that ffreaked me out. I looked at the doctor and my freinds and nobody could say anything. I touched him and he felt warm. I touched his paws and they felt warm too. He was just sleeping. I was crying so much and the vet left the room. I put my had to his chest and i just laid it there for a while. I asked if i could pick him up and my friends said i should d whatever i need to do to help me deal with this. I picked him up and he felt like a raggedy doll, just limp. And i cuddled with him and i looked into his eyes one last time before i closed them and i just sat there absoultely sobbing with him for wat seemed like hours. Right in that moment he felt alive, more alive than ever. I felt pangs of guilt, distress, pain, sadness, i even made a few jokes, all wrapped up in that time. I could not lethim go, but my friends finally coaxed me. I lay a brown towel over him, covering all of him except for his little paws that stuck out. Oh My God, he was so precious. I kept going back to him to make sure he was gone and not just sleeping, i couldn't comprehend leaving there without him. i did this about 10 times before i finally went upsatiars. I said thank yous to the staff of the clinic and i left feeling numb, broken, silent.

He was the most i could ever want in this lifetime. I know i have 3 other wonderful kitties, but he was the rock, the glue that joined all of us together. I miss him so much and i feel lost everyday. The other ones cannot repair the despair i have. For that feel guilty but i keep reminding myself and others do too that time heals everything. I recieved his ashes this past week and i talk to him everyday.

I think for me to deal with this is to realize a lot of the unknown i have going through my head. Where is he? I am not a strongly religious person so that bothers me, i need to know he's somewhere and i have resorted to calling it "kitty heaven".

When does it get better? I know eventually but that seems like years away right now and it just hurts so much.

I thought we were all invincible until this happened. (knock on wood) but i have never had anyone, family or freinds, die in my lifetime. My grandparents died when i was very young and i recall very little of that but i didn't understand it.

I glad i wrote this all down. I feel a bit better for doing it. Thank you all for your stories of hope, love, commitment, sorrow, sadness, joy. I needed this forum to help through this very difficult time.

I will always love you Mr Buddles. I have our memories together to push me forward. And i have three wonderful kitties that i see you in them every day now. Thank you for being in my life, i was truly honoured.

You're such a g'boy!

Mark

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[Cheryl83]

Hi, Mark.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Mr Buddles. What a cute name for such a cute kitty! Your post really touched me, probably because Mr Buddles journey to the angels was very similar to my precious bunny's. I remember exactly the emotions that you described, and even holding her little lifeless body in my arms and sobbing to the point where it hurt to even breathe.

The days and weeks that followed were very dark and tough. You're not really living life, you're just kind of going through the motions. It's been 9 months for me now, and I can tell you that it does get easier. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her everyday, and I still have a good cry every now and again. But after a while you come to realize that they never really leave us. Instead of drifting away from them, you hold their memory so close to your heart and your very being that it feels like they're still here. A part of them IS still here with us, and always will be. And a part of us is with them - for they take a part of us with them.

As for where they are now -- there is a belief that our pets souls go to a beautiful place called "Rainbow Bridge". A place where there is nothing but joy. A place where they are free from any pain or discomfort they may have had here on earth. Here, at this Ranbow Bridge, they wait for us, until it is our time to join them. And when that day comes, we cross the bridge together...

Take care of yourself, Mark. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, but please know that we are all here for you every step of the way.

Cheryl xx

[moon_beam]

Hi, Mark, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Mr Buddles. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Mr Buddles with us, Mark. Even when there are other beloved companions in the home, the physical loss of one of the fur family members truly changes the "dynamics" of the family unit. It can even feel like the house structure itself is grieving -- be it a tent, a single family structure, an apartment, a dormitory - - or whatever the home structure may be.

I hope you will find great comfort in what Cheryl has already shared with you, for she has said everything so very well. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey. Unfortunately there is no "fast forward" through the grief journey, Mark, but one of the many things to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Mark. And I wish to reassure you that your precious Mr Buddles is forever a part of you, for he is forever in your heart and memories - - he is always a heartbeat close to you.

Mark, right now there are no adequate words that can come close to easing the deep sorrow you are feeling in the physical separation from your precious Mr Buddles. But I hope and pray with all my heart that you will find comfort, encouragement, support, and hope in each of the responses you receive. You are among friends here, Mark.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Mark, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[havana]

Hello Mark, I'm so very sorry for your loss and understand the pain you feel right now, I also lost my wonderful full of life cat El Niño he was to me like my son and I'm sure that Mr Buddles was to you also like your own son, again, I'm so very sorry and I wish no one have to suffer for the loss of a dear Pet for ever, take good care of your self and your remaning three kitties that need you too, always here, Jorge El Niño and Buster

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[JoanneL]

Good evening Mark,

I also want to add my condolences on the loss of Mr. Buddles. I hear the tremendous pain you are having over his loss. I am sure that you don't believe it will get better but in time the raw pain will lessen. It has been 6 weeks since I lost my 3 year old dog. I still cry every day but the intense pain that was constant in the beginning is lessening.

I have been through euthanasia with several fur children in the past and it was soooo hard. You do know that he would have suffered in the end had you not had the kindness and love to let him go in peace. He knows how much you love him and that was the final gift of love that you could give him.

You were very brave to let him go even though it was too soon and, I am sure, a shock to learn he was so sick.

I will be away for a few days vacation but I wish you peave and good memories.

Joanne

[MrBuddles]

I just want to say thank you to all of you for your kind words and hopefulness. It is indeed hard. Tonight was the first real night i went out socially. I went to a goodbye party for a co-worker. I felt very guilty about not coming home right away at first but i realized that i have to do normal things now And i can say it helped a lot to be around people and talk about just life in general. Buddles did come up but it was all joy and happiness talking about him. I did have a cry when i got home though, i thought about the events of that day again. But pretty soon i stopped myself and told myself that he can't be remembered like that and that he should be remembered for the fun, crazy, sweet, loving times we had together. I smile writing this now.

Joanne, Jorge, Moon Beam and Cheryl, your words are hope, hope that he will always be with me in my heart, and hope that one i will wake up and this hurt and pain and sorrow will have turned to amazing memories we had together and only that. I also offer my condolences to you all who have lost a loved one.

thanks.
Mark

[moon_beam]

Hi, Mark, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad you had a chance to be out with friends, but there is still the need to give yourself permission to grieve for your precious Mr. Buddles. This is a huge adjustment you are going through not having his precious physical body with you, and it's going to take time for this "adjutment" to not be so painful - - both emotionally and physically.

I hope this weekend has been kind to you, Mark. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tom's Dad]

Mark, I also wanted to add my deepest condolences on the loss of your precious boy. A handsome man to be sure. I lost mine to complications of diabetes not 3 months ago. So, I sympathise greatly. I am glad, like me, you have other fur babies to help you through this difficult time.

[MrBuddles]

Wow, today is the one month anniversary of my little Buddles' death. It seems like months have passed so i can't believe only a month has come and gone. I miss him everyday and i think about him everyday. i am slowly starting to replace the traumatic day's events images with images of him when he did the sillly things. But my head goes back there every day. I have created a nice memorial in my living room and made a photo collage that greets me and that i say goodbye to every day. I have the three others to keep my company too. I make sure that with everyday that goes by i hug them and love them as much as possible. There is a bit of guilt in me still where sometimes i think i should've been there more, and i should've hugged him more, but i know that for 13 years i was a great father to him.
I know it'll get better and he's up there somewhere looking down on me giving me hope and watching over the three others.

I love you Mr Buddles, you're such a g'boy!

thanks to all for your support.
hugs!

Mark

[moon_beam]

Hi, Mark, thank you so much for sharing your anniversary with us of your precious Mr. Buddles. Your collage sounds like a wonderful memorial to him, as well as a great comfort to you. It is good that you are focusing on the wonderful memories you have of your earthly journey together, and remembering that you gave him a happy and loving life for 13 years.

Mark, thank you again so much for letting us know how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam