Maybe I am crazy…..maybe our relationship, our bond, our friendship was all in my mind. When I would talk to you and you would respond in perfect timing maybe it was just my mind thinking it was perfect timing.
When I taught you how to give me kisses and you would touch your nose to my lips or cheek maybe it’s because in my mind I wanted to think you truly understood human language and I was pathetic for affection. Maybe I was imagining that you truly were everywhere in the house that I was because I longed to hear the pity-pat feet of something behind me; something craving, needing and dependent on my attention.
At moments when I was sick and you would come lay by me and knead your paws in my chest or back maybe it was my imagination of wanting someone to be with me and comfort me in my moments of need and sickness. You would lay on my house coat, shoes, socks, work clothes and school books when I was gone and I would walk in the door and find you on them. Maybe it was my imagination that thought you missed me so much that you just had to smell my scent for comfort.
Maybe I am just a lonely depressed little girl who made up a fairytale friend to solve my sadness and depression problems. Maybe all the cruel people in life were right when they said no one would ever love me or need me…….maybe I am the most unlovable person in the world…maybe I do have problems and need help. Maybe I am better off just being alone so I can’t hurt anyone else. Maybe I am made to never have anyone love me. Maybe….just maybe…..
Or maybe you really did love me and all of the above was done because it truly was done out of your love. I am lost without you and I know one thing for sure is that I loved you. I will always love you from ever pit of my soul. I long to feel your friendship, your love, and your sweet little kitty kisses that made my world alright. You gave me a purpose and a need to be here because you gave me something and someone to love. I know I have Daddy Craig but nothing can take the place of you. You were mine to love and I was yours to love back. I have prayed every day for a sign…..a sign that you remember me….a sign that you loved me…and a sign that you miss me ….and most of all a sign that you forgive me. It hurt Mommy so much to see you sick and hurting. I didn’t know what else to do. I gave you peace and let go of my selfishness. I’m so sorry baby for ending your life.
Boots, I don’t know what stage of the grief process I am in…… Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, or Acceptance…..but all I know is that I miss you and the grief and hurt in my heart is real. I’ve never felt this type of pain before……I am in shock of all the people who have cried for me and with me. Is it because they see how pathetic I am to be crying over an animal? Do they feel pity for me? Or is it because they know that the love the 2 of us shared is so real and true that their heart aches because they understand my hurt and sorrow?
Boots….Mamas Grr Grr….Mamas Bear Bear….My Pookie-Mookie, My Muu Muu, My Tinkie Butt, Our Eye of the Kitten….where are you?????? I need you………..maybe I will see you again one day….maybe I will get my sign…and maybe …just maybe one day this empty hole in my heart will heal……MAYBE. Mommy misses you Boots * tears fall to the computer*
I am so depressed without you . Tomorrow will be a week since you've been gone. It hasn't gotten easier yet. My baby Boots I miss you ! Why did you have to get sick now.....why now when Mommy needs you so much....I tried....I tried all that I could....maybeI didn't try enough...My Honey-Angel I need you!!!! I am so sorry.

K Marie,
I’m up late. I just want to reach out and say I get it, that yes, Boots loved you that much. The love between you is something sweet and pure and real, not a fairytale friend.

Your post speaks the soul of an artist.

You would never, ever have made the decision you did lightly - we know, instinctively, after years of caretaking and companionship, what our animals need now, and there is no need to second-guess ourselves about how we handled affairs at the end. We know their characters, and how they would want things to be.

You are not alone. You may have troubles and they only made you more sensitive and appreciative of your Muu-Muu’s love, and more creative in how you expressed yours for him.

I’ve been at this grieving thing for 5 weeks - my kitty Hanako and I were together for 20 years. It’s one heck of a ride.
Hold on,
Katherine

Hi, Ke, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and sharing these wonderful pictures of you and your beloved Boots. Please permit me to try to add some words of comfort to Katherine's.

I wish to totally support what Katherine has already shared with you: The love bond you and your beloved Boots share is REAL. As your beloved Boots became the center of your universe during his earthly journey, so you became the center of his universe. The affection we share with our companions during their earthly journey is pure unadulterated joy - - for they give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation or fear of rejection. And the deep sorrow we experience when they precede us to the angels is genuinely painful - - both emotionally and physically.

In many ways I can personally relate to some of your feelings from growing up in a very abusive home and frequently being the target of bullying at school - - both from classmates and teachers -- during a period in our society when bullying was not a part of the vocabulary. I was expected to "toughen up" - - but basically became an introvert instead which made me even less acceptable. My refuge was my furchild companions who genuinely accepted me for who I am, and it is through them, and the friendship I also shared with my mom during her earthly journey, that I was loved - - and have been able to share love with others - - regardless of how the relationships with other people turned out.

Ke, I know from first hand experience that your heart is going to hurt for a long time yet as you travel your grief adjustment journey. But I promise you it will not always be this way. But until you are feeling stronger - - until your heart no longer cries with the deepest sorrow known on this side of eternity - - please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take - - to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when you feel the weight of your sorrow is more than what you can bear.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ke, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Boots sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi kmariebanks,

I read your post and am sobbing right along with you. You were not imagining you and your Boots relationship - the kisses, the laying on your books, clothes, and comforting you when you were sick - that was all real. Me and my husband lost our furry baby Scarlett almost 4 months ago - we continue to feel the void from our loss but we have had wonderful signs from our Scarlett. You will have signs from Boots too, I know it.

Scarlett was our world, we do not have children she was… I have to try to stop saying was… she IS, Scarlett IS our child, our forever baby. I am trying to take this grieving process day-by-day and sometimes I can only handle moment to moment. Know that your sweet Boots spirit is still with you and will continue to be with you forever and ever.

I am sending you healing energy and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

- Scarlett's Mom

kmariebanks - I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I agree with the others here, that love was real and that is why it hurts so much when it is gone. I know how you feel, I just went through the same illness and terrible decision with my Mr. Cat and I still cry about him, over a month later. He was my special little buddy and I miss him so much. Your words are so real and true and when I read them now all I can say is yes, that is how it feels. Every last thing you say. And I cry with you because I understand.

Our pets love us unconditionally and they know instinctively when they have found a kind and gentle spirit to love them back. You have such a spirit and you let it show with Boots. Please do not blame yourself for what happened - you did the best you could do, under very difficult conditions, and there is no reason to feel any guilt for that. The pain of losing a pet like Boots is enough of a burden.

Be kind to yourself...I know you will cherish the memory of Boots. And I want to believe that yes, we will see our dear furry friends again someday. Sometimes that's the only thing that helps me stay sane as I work through the grief. Because it seems so wrong to lose my little buddy so quickly. And I am devastated by it.

Thank you to everyone. This reply is so hard because I am crying so I have to make it short. I promise to return to give everyone their individual thank you's. Monday made a week...my heart continues to move through the grieving process but I have not hit full acceptance. My Husband and I are able to share stories of our boy, laugh, and smile. Boots came to my husband in a dream. He ran out of my bedroom closet and sat by his feet and nudged his hand. while telling me the story my husband cried. They had their own man bonding relationship lol it strikes me odd why he would visit daddy first and not me but its ok. I have had the pleasure of finding balls of cat fur around the house and laugh each time I pick one up. Thank you everyone so much! I love you all together we will all reach our journey of healing. -Ke

Hi, Ke, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. During the 1970's, 1980's, there were several words that came into the grief vocabulary as a result of the beginning of hospice services in this country. Among the words is "acceptance" - - which even now many clinical professionals acknowledge is misleading. It is my personal experience that a better word is "adjustment" to the physical absence of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - for "acceptance" means to "move on" or "forget" about our loved one who is no longer physically with us - - and this is impossible.

Adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Boots is both emotionally and physically painful. Unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons that can be pressed to speed up the adjustment or to make the pain immediately disappear. There will be times 6 months, a year, 10 years, from now that you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Boots and you will still feel a pain in your heart and a ache in your arms to hold him, to see him, to feel him "one more time." Missing the physical presence of our beloved companions never completely goes away - - but we do "adjust" to their physical absence. The good news is that the eternal love bond you and your beloved Boots share never diminishes as you continue with your earthly journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ke, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Boots sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Boots' Mommy,

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the passing of your beloved Boots. And thank you for finding and sharing with this site's peoples the life and death of your Mr. Boots. I have so many things I would like to say to you, having been in your shoes 9 times over the past 40 years. Let me begin by saying that Boots in certainly not alone in Heaven (or the after life, whatever you believe in). I know that my Trevor, Spot, Squirt, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Rudy, Nikki and Bozo have all welcomed him the moment he arrived. There were thousands of other doggies, kitties, hamsters, gerbils, bunnies, snakes and so many others that greeted Boots. Trevor's cousins (Gretta and Rufus) and his friends (Jenna, Mickey, Jake, Hermy to name a few) are right by his side, listening to Boots brag about you and his daddy, how much you love him and how much he loves you, the good and fun things you did together and all the ways he will keep in touch with you.

Notice that I use the present tense when talking about our deceased companions. I believe that our connection with them never ceases, but only changes form. They have been with us and will continue this into eternity. Your Boots is a Spirit Dog now. He never left you, except in the physical form. The pain I believe that you feel is from the piece of your heart that went with Boots and is now part of him - the Spirit Dog. Your Spirits are forever entwined, never to be broken again, ever.

Dear Ke, everything you did for Boots and he did for you, everything you two felt for each other, the deep trust and love you have for each other was totally done out of love and respect. I read it in every word you say that doesn't put yourself down. Rid yourself of those negative thoughts - they are not real and they are not what you and Boots are made of. Your pictures are incredible and show so much ! The pain you feel is also a measure of how deeply you loved your Boots. (I had a puppy when I was little that we named Boots.) This pain can be unbearable and seem to go on forever. We have a good friend in Father Time who will know exactly how to help you traverse time, in your own speed and way, so that the pain will change. It will turn itself into a softer type of grief - one that will allow for the gentleness of love to come forth. It will soothe the burning in your soul and even bring true smiles to your face. You may not feel this right away - it took me a couple years for Trevor - but I promise you, it will come, even when you least expect it. (and that is the best kind)

I also wondered why my Trevor didn't send me a sign. Then a wonderful friend on this site told me about Butterflies! When you see a butterfly, any kind of butterfly, this IS a sign from Boots. He is telling you hello, that he is OK, that he loves you very, very much and that he's keeping his eyes on you. Once I was told that about Trevor, I started seeing butterflies all over the place. In winter, when we have no butterflies outside, I found them on wallpaper and so many cards that people sent me. It is amazing, Boots' mommy, where you will see them. Again, many times you will not be expecting to see them when they appear. Boots knows when to send them - he's learning from the best. (Mickey)

Ke, everyone on this site totally understands your grief, respects your grief and adjustment, and are here for you 24/7. For we have each experienced at least one loss of a treasured companion, some of us more than once. We are here for YOU! We are your support, sounding board, cheering section and friends. Many others, in the world, do not understand, thus the hurtful remarks, etc. But not here. So, please stop by when you can and share Mr. Boots' life with us. He was very special......he has you for his mommy!

Peace and love be with you........................
Bobbie (Trevor's mommy)