It's Not Just This Loss

Our beloved Twinkie was PTS last Tuesday. He had a urinary tract blockage that the vet just couldn't fix. Or more specifically, couldn't fix within our price range. We're a family of four living on one income, and when Twinkie needed $3000 worth of surgery...We just couldn't do it. The money just wasn't there. Heck the money wouldn't have been there if I needed $3000 worth of surgery. So, with things the way they are, we had to let Twinkie go.

This isn't the first time that money has been the deciding factor. Mr Precious died almost two years ago of nearly the same thing - and we didn't have the money for treatment then, either. I can remember, as a poor college student, taking in a cat from outside who was sick. The vet could have treated him and saved him with no problem, but I only had enough money for euthanasia...That still eats at me. I really could have saved Gus...And he died only because I was poor. I hope he forgives me...

And the guilt from all the times I might have been able to do more. Puffy, who was sick with FeLV - only i didn't realize it until it was too late because I was an active alcoholic (drunk most of the time). Buddy, who I saved from living outside...A "friend" took him in, then decided he couldn't deal with the "damned cat" and kicked him out (Buddy disappeared soon after that). I have no idea what my Toby died of - I woke up one morning and he'd been really sick overnight and he was dead on the floor. When Booda started losing weight, we took him to the vet, but could only afford to run so many tests before he got too weak to go on. Kingsford who lived just fine with FIV until he caught a cold and refused to eat. Sherman the tiny 3-4 week old kitten who passed away after being with us only 24 hours (intestinal distress).

(Baby lived to be 21. While her passing was sad, I don't feel too guilty about it. Skinny had FIV and was on death's door when he came to us. We nursed him back to health and had another month with him before he just wore out.)

Now these deaths have come over the space of about 25 years but I feel like a one-woman cat-killing machine.
And I know it's just going to go on. Four of my six remaining cats are 11 or older. Cosmo may be only two years old, but he's FIV+ and will only live as long as he stays well. Chester is diabetic; We're treating him and he seems healthy and happy, but there's always the chance for complications to bring him down. Everybody else seems fine...

But Twinkie seemed fine until he was sick and the doctor couldn't help him.

I miss my kitties. I wish I could have done more to save them. I wish I had all the money so that no-one would ever have to die...