Death Of My Kitten, heartbroken for gizmo Options

[claira]

So its been a pretty rough couple of days. I took in a cat 3months ago because she was very pregnant and I knew she needed somewhere safe to deliver...she cam to my window for 2 days straight so I let her in with open arms.
she gave birth to 3 sweethearts...Chewy, Yoda and Gizmo. I immediately fell in love with all three but gizmo captured my heart in a way that I had not felt since the passing of my dog daren. I knew then and there that she would have a permanent home with us. So time went on and I noticed the mother cat had fleas..she passed them to the babies but I could not treat any of them until they were done nursing and of age. So recently I spoke to an animal store clerk and she gave me a flea spray that would work on kittens. I used it. A mistake I wish I could take back. The very first day I applied it( I followed instructions to the T) they began foaming from the mouth..they could not swallow saliva properly..I imidiatly called the vet..she said wash them off and keep an eye on them...I followed her instructions. Well Chewy and Yoda perked up within a day and were back to themselves. I threw away the spray and I am in the process of getting a vet brand for them.
Gizmo didn't bounce back. Within 3 days she was so skinny...I gave her water threw a syringe and helped her to eat daily. I tried to get a vet to see her...only I didn't get paid till this Thursday coming so they turned me away...then the next one and the next...no one would help us. So I braced myself..or at least I thought I did...I was in over my head. So two days ago things started to look up. She woke up with a good amount of energy and even started eating on her own. I thought finally god has heard my prayers...he heard and saw and felt the pain I was in and the tears I had been shedding. A miracle I thought. I slept good that night. Then yesterday I woke up to find my little angel weaker then ever. I couldn't get her to sit up..or drink some water. She started to seize...she was slowly but surely dieing. I held her in my arms for 3 hours while she was in agony and I knew I couldn't bring her to any vet to be put to sleep so she wouldn't have to suffer...they would not do it unless I had cash in hand. So I did the only thing I could..I held her...kissed her...talked to her..pray for her and show her every ounce of love I had in me. She took her last breath that morning at 11:24. I was there the minute..the second she was born to the second that she died. I lost a piece of my heart and soul yesterday. I am glad she is not suffering anymore but I am so filled with guilt that I could have saved her but yet couldn't for my lack of money for this week. I am so angry that the vets these days only care about money..what happened to compassion and true pride for what u do. What happened to this world?
So I just want everyone to know there was a kitten in this world named Gizmo..She was my family and I loved her very much and always will.and I miss her terribly. Thank you for listening.

[Bobbie]

My dear Claira,

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the sudden passing of your darling kitten, Gizmo. I can imagine the sorrow, frustration and agony you felt as you watched your beloved kitty suffer the effects of the flea spray and finally succumb to them. But you did that absolute right thing, the actions that every mother of a companion does and that is comfort, hold, sooth Gizmo and let her know that you were right there with her, that she was not alone in any way and would never be alone....ever. Gizmo knew she was with you and I'm sure that helped her so much.

I can feel and hear the love for your kitties and their mommy in your post. I can especially feel the love you have for Gizmo. And I say have, because that love will never end, even though there was such little time for it to grow on earth. The love, which goes both ways, will grow and mature as nature intends for this to happen.

You were a good mother to all the kitties, taking them in from the cold, helping mom give birth to the little ones, even trying the safest way to treat their fleas. Hear me: you did nothing wrong. You did the best you could under extrememly difficult conditions. At least one of the vets should have agreed to a payment plan, but we can wish for the stars and still be smack in reality. And the reality was very cruel in this case.

Claira, the guilt and remorse that is a huge part of our initital grieving journey is very normal and may be one of the hardest things to accept and deal with. This journey that you are on, as well as all the rest of us are on, is a very difficult and long process. But, first let me reassure you, that you are not alone in your journey. You have become part of a very special "family" and this "family" is available to you 24/7 - day and night. Nothing you can say or ask will be judged. Rather, all Lightning Strikers listen with open and loving hearts, supportive and been-there-done-that minds and they (we) even reply as quickly as possible so that we can sustain you during this most awful time. We'll walk with you and we'll talk with you, every time you need or want us to. We know what you are feeling, even though the circumstances may be different, the loss is the same.

My little rescue C-o-c-k-e-r Spaniel, Trevor, passed away 6 weeks ago today. He was a very sick boy, but so loving. I am still at the beginning stages of grief and would not be able to survive his loss if it were not for the amazing people (of which you are one now) of Lightning Strike.

I wish you some peace today and at least one memory of Gizmo that will bring a smile. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Blessings............................
Bobbie (Trevor's mom)

[claira]

Thank you so much for your reply...it was absolutely comforting. I've spent most of my day crying as everything here reminds me so much of her. I still have the comfort of her two siblings with me...its almost like they know..like something is missing and they have spent most of the day quite close to eachother and me. The sadness in ithe air is very thick in the house today.

This thing is I accept that she is gone. What i'm having a hard time with is those last 3 hours. I never seen so much pain. She wasn't fully aware of me but there were moment where she would look up at me and cry almost beg for help and I couldn't do anything. History repeated itself yesterday. A few years ago I lost my 8 year old teacup chi...his name daren..my little soul mate(we grew up together) he ended up getting semonella poisoning from a can of wet dog food. I watched him bleed from the inside out...I was there with the vet till the moment she put him down. He too stared at me with those eyes....the same as gizmo...and I feel like a failure. I was suppose to protect them and both times I gave them the very things that killed them. The pain is beyond anything I can explain. I hate myself right now. I know I wasn't intentionally hurting them but the burdain that did hurt them is weighing heavy on my shoulders.

I never got over my beloved daren and im afraid I.never will...same for gizmo ...I can't forgive myself.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Claira, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Gizmo. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cirumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. To lose one whose earthly journey has just begun is so very tragic.

There isn't much I can add to the very comforting response you have received from Bobbie. She has expressed so well what is in my heart, so please read her response frequently, and know that it comes from the both of us.

I also wish to add my anger and frustration of the veterinary professionals you contacted on behalf of your beloved Gizmo only to be turned away for lack of funds. I am so very sorry and heartbroken that this happened to you and your beloved Gizmo. When you get some extra funds and find a vet you think you can trust, you may want to ask him / her to run a blood panel on Chewy and Yoda just to make sure that there are no lingering - - or lurking - - side effects from the spray.

Claira, I truly wish there was a way I could take this seering pain from your heart. Certainly Gizmo's experience will re-surface the agonizing pain and sorrow that you experienced with your beloved Daren. Please believe me when I say to you that NEITHER situation was your fault. You have NO CONTROL over the ingredients that are put into the products that we purchase to keep our precious companions healthy. What happened to both Daren and Gizmo are NOT your fault. Please know that your beloved Daren and Gizmo are eternally grateful for all the love you have for them in your heart. I hope someday you can will know their love for you is eternal, too.

Claira, I hope your precious momma cat and her babies Chewy and Yoda continue to do well, and that you will share a long and happy and healthy earthly journey together. Your beloved Gizmo will ALWAYS AND FOREVER be a part of you, and I hope as your deep grief eases you will remember the JOY of having her with you - - for she is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Please know you and your precious fur family are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how each of you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[BonniesMom]

I am so sorry to hear about Gizmo and sorry about the grief you are going through. You were only trying to spare them the torment of the fleas and had no idea something was wrong with the flea product. Unfortunately, some companies who make products for pets don't seem to closely monitor their ingredients to make sure they are safe, such as some of the bad dog food that killed so many pets a few years ago.

It is also sad that no vet would help you because you couldn't pay them right away. Instead they allowed your poor kitten to suffer and that is just wrong. They should have worked with you to make the payment on payday. The drugs for euthanasia are not expensive for vets to purchase. Hopefully you will be able to find a vet who is truly compassionate somewhere in your area for your future needs.

Please accept my sympathy for the loss of this precious soul Gizmo. Gizmo is with the angels now, happy and healthy and will never be sick again.

[leejaye]

Dear Claira, I am so angry with the pet store person and those vets - where is the compassion for a suffering animal, surely they could have helped you and given you an account or something...I'm sorry I don't mean to bring this all up for you again, but a little bit of kindness should have been there, the almighty $ seems just too important these days...please don't beat yourself up, little Gizmo is an angel kitten now, when the world is right for him he will come back in a new kitten body, please take care of yourself and Chewy and Yoda and their mum, sending you huge hugs to try to ease some of your pain Leejaye

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Claira

My heart is with you in the loss of your Gizmo. the love you have for all the tiny furbabies shines through your words. Like the others have said, although there are no words now that can lessen the heartbreak you feel, know that we are with you. And so is your Gizmo - even though you can't see or touch him - and that's what hurts like hades. Out of the greatest love of all you did everything you could - and much more - so that Gizmo would have life and love on this earth. Animals have good hearts and, unfortunately some people don't - and it was your and Gizmo's misfortune to mee all of them at a time when they were needed most. Shame on the vet for being so miserly. Wherever you are, I KNOW there are good, caring, loving vets and I'm asking my Gretta to send one your way so that you NEVER, EVER have to go through this again. Gizmo - and all animals can see through hearts. He knows your love for him is what gives him life - first on earth and now in the Perfect World - where he is healthy, happy and has joined all the other precious animals who have gone on before us in waiting for us to join them - and bragging about their moms and dads. And Gizmo is winning the bragging contest! You're the best and he knows it.

Gretta's mom

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Gizmo's mom

Just a note to let you know my heart is with you and to try to reassure you about the power of what you did for Gizmo. Yes, he did suffer plenty of physical pain - none of which is your fault. The other people in Gizmo's situation will have some answering to do! But you - from the instant Gizmo came to this earth to the instant he moved back to the perfect World, he was bathed in a mother's love - your love. Imagine - a whole life with nothing but love! when he most needed you, you WERE there - with the best gift possible - a mother's love. You held him in your soft arms, you spoke loving words into his infant ears, you cried loving tears into his infant fur. There is no better comfort and love than that. Gizmo's life - and your love - have made an impact on people all over the world. Now let you LS family hold YOU in our loving arms and try to speak loving words into your broken heart so that you too can feel its warmth surround you through your tears. You ARE the best mother who ever lived!

Keep on, my friend

Gretta's mom

[claira]

I want to thank you all! You have shown me so much love and support and please know I am forever grateful! Its hard to relate with the people in my life for they cannot understand how someone could love animals so much. They don't understand that they become children,best friends, soul mates and so it makes it difficult to have a shoulder to lean on. But you guys have swooped in and gave a stranger peace and comfort when she needed it the most. And that says all about each and everyone one of you. I only hope I can be there for all of you in the way you have been for me. Also I hope I can grow into living angels such as yourselves!

This weekend was okay..was very busy so I didn't have much time to be upset..still eachnight I looked through all my precious pictures of gizmo..there was happiness and laughter because she was so goofy in a very cute way also some tears were shed because I miss her. The night time is always difficult...she was my snuggle buddy...her little purrs were soothing to fall asleep to. So I am definitely missing that.

I am slowly trying to forgive myself, and I am learning from my mistakes. I hope to never be the one to accidently give something to my animals that may hurt them. Its going to take plenty of research but they are well worth it!
I failed to mention I have a houseful of pets here lol. Of course I have mama and her two sweet kittens but I also have two adult cats,Bella and Penny also two dogs, Resses and tigger and 3 ferrets, Chase,Dagwood's and Willy:)
yes a very full house right now. Im happy to say one of the kittens almost certainly has a forever home to go to. I will find out this weekend. Also looking for a home for mama cat...at the same time trying to find out if she already has a owner that she may have gotten lost from but haven't heard back from anyone in 3 months so I will continue trying to find her a suitable home. But in the mean time they are all sticking around:)
thank god my finance loves animals too!

Alright so I just wanted to let everyone know im hanging in there...mourning my gizmo but keeping my chin up for my other babies. Hope everyone is doing good and im sending my love and prayers for health and happiness to everyone out there!

I will try to put up pictures..just having little trouble with it right now.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Claira, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your fur family are doing. The evenings are the hardest as this is when, after the busyness of the day, we are settling down to share quality time with our precious companions.

So glad you have found a forever home for one of the kittens, and know that you will be successful in finding a loving home for momma kitty, too. Whenver you are ready to post pictures I will look forward to sharing them with you.

Claira, I hope today is being kind to you and all of your fur family members. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Clara

Just stopping by to see how you are and congratulate you on your large and very active fur-family! Your love for animals shines through your words - we see how it gives you strength to carry on despite dear Gizmo's passing into the Perfect World. You're a star.

Gretta's mom