As you know, from my previous posting, my baby went to the Bridge last Sunday, after suffering kidney failure, I've just found out from the vet that she was in the final stages, I never knew anything was wrong with her until last week. The week prior to the actual event I was so upset, crying, hugging her constantly, wishing and bargaining....this week has been worse, but in a different way.

More than anything else I'm always expecting Cindy to make a run fpr the front door, I keep thinking she's there in her old places, then falling over when I go to step over her!!!!! But through it all I'm just numb, I've cried when I've read what people have written on this site, because I miss Cindy so much, but most of the time I wander around numb, both in work and at home. I look at her pictures and my heart misses a beat, and I feel even worse, with guilt, because I'm not crying as much as Cindy deserves, and because I'm so numb. I miss my baby so much, the feel of her, the sound of her, everything, but I cann't get beyond this awful numbness (((

I lost my first baby, Kim, about three years ago, and I'm starting to feel guilty because I grieved, as in cried, more for her than I did for Cindy.

Grief hits all of us in different ways and each day is different, I notice that this forum goes quiet most weekends because we all have something different to think about and life goes on. I guess that during the week we have to bottle it up for so long whilst at work or out shopping etc that when we finally get home were up most of the night making up for not being able to grieve during the day.

I remember after each of my girls went that I kept sighing, its like your brain has a thought “maybe if I do this” and then realises there’s nothing to be done and would come out as a sigh. Maybe your numbness is your body’s realisation that nothing can be done!!

There is no set rule for grieving each of us is different and each loss is different, as long as you don’t try to stop it it will work in its own way.

Love Sue

No, Nicky, it's not just you.

I was lucky to be off work when Saki and Freyja passed, so I didn't have to go out into the world and be brave. I just sat at home and cried all day long. ...

I also would look for them. I was so accustomed to knowing where they were at all times-- and so I'd look to where they SHOULD've been and they wouldn't be there. And then I'd find myself looking around for them before I'd remember...

Don't feel guilty.... Cindy would not want you to go to work as a complete basket case!!!!! Think about the times you cried in front of her and how distressed she would get... She would want to comfort you.

And the pain is so intense, you HAVE to numb yourself some way. It would be unbearable otherwise.

I know how badly it hurts right now. It does get easier. The pain becomes manageable at a certain point.... Hang in there....

Love,
Jennifer

Don't feel that you are alone in your grief. I know exactly how you feel. I had to put my precious Gwendolyn to sleep on Thursday and just when I thought I was out of tears, here comes more but I'm doing all I can today to cope and get through it. My Gwenie would not want me to wallow in grief, she would want me to celebrate her life and the years we had together.

Everyone grieves differently and for however long it takes. I've lost fur babies in the past and have cried my eyes out, but with this fur baby it's different. It's not that we love one pet more than the other it's that with each pet we form a different relationship. You may feel that you cried for other pets more than this one, but that does not mean the love you felt was any less. Obviously you loved Cindy enough to seek out others who understand your pain. I was especially close to Gwendolyn and she was my rock for 20 years! I got her at the worst time in my life therefore she was with me through all those bad times and eventually the good. It may seem that I'm crying more for her than any of the other pets I've lost, but I've loved each equally.

I don't have any good advice on how to get through this because I'm still feeling pain myself. My advice would be to take the time to cry, take the time to recall the special things about your fur baby that brought you joy. As I'm trying to do, don't dwell on the illness because it will drive you insane. Instead, think about all the fun things, the funny things and her unique personality. Today I decided to create a memory book for Gwen that will be filled with her pictures. I sat down this morning and wrote her a letter from the bottom of my heart letting her know how much she has always meant to me and will forever mean to me. I've searched the internet for poems to include in the book and this afternoon I'm going out to find the perfect container for her ashes. It might all sound heart-wrenching to do these things and so soon, but believe it or not, with each poem I find, with each picture I put in the book and with each memory that crosses my mind, I'm feeling a little better. Her favorite place in our house was in front of the fire place so this is where her ashes will go. Another place she liked to sit was on our end table in the family room, so I framed a favorite picture of her and she will forever sit on her table.

Sorry to ramble on as I did, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your grieving or your feelings. Your fur baby has wings now and will always be with you.

Hugs to you and Prayers for Cindy
Elizabeth

Jennifer, Sue and Elizabeth, thank you so much for your replies, how did I manage to come across a site with such caring people on it???? I guess it just feels like a part of me has curled up and died, and that part is rotting away because I cann't let it out anyway. Elizabeth, you definately DID NOT ramble on, I've done exactly the same, I've now got fotos of Kim and Cindy all over the place, and I kiss both of them goodnight, and say a little prayer for them. I guess I just feel like I'm lost, they were my children, I don't have any, my husband has two sons, but it's not the same, if you know what I mean? Kim and Cindy were with me before I met my husband, they were my baby's, they were my friends who loved me for all my many faults, they accepted my husband, and our new surroundings, so readily, they sided with me whenever we argued!!!!!

I got so scared earlier on in the week, because I cried more for Kim that I did for Cindy, I felt so guilty, and mad....boy did I feel mad, not just with myself....well not with myself at all if I'm honest, I was raging with everything and everyone!!!!!!

It helps so much knowing there are others how understand, others who can help me through this rough patch....thank you

Nicky,

You are very welcome. Gwendolyn was my child too. I had her before I met my husband as well and since we are not able to have children, Gwen and my other 3 cats, Penelope, Sabrina and Osama Bin Fluffy (the terrorist cat) are my children.

If you would like to email just to chat, ramble on or just plain get it off your chest, feel free to do that. Not everyone understands you when you lose a pet. To many it's "just and animal" but for people like us it's more than that. Kim and Cindy know how you felt about them, how you still feel about them so try not to feel guilty for crying over one more than the other. It doesn't mean you miss one over the other, or that you loved Kim more than Cindy. It just means that maybe there were other things going on in your life at the time Kim passed away that may have triggered a more instense feeling. As I said in my previous post, we form different relationships with each pet therefore we grieve differently for those pets, but the love is always the same. Love isn't measured by the amount of tears you shed - remember that.

Take care Nicky and I hope to hear from you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs
Elizabeth