My beautiful little girl Taffy passed one week ago today, suddenly and unexpectedly from cancer. I miss her so, so, so much :*(((((( Words cannot possibly describe how much, but I know all of you understand. She was with me for 12 years. We spent almost every minute together, she was my constant companion. She was there through a very dark period of my life and I can honestly say that she kept me going when I didn't want to.

I feel so much guilt that I didn't take her to the vet sooner so that they might have caught the cancer and saved her :*(((((((( Maybe I am just being hard on myself, maybe there was no way to save her. It was malignant and had attached itself to all of her internal organs and I had no idea until it was too late :*(((((((((( I always thought in my mind that she would live to be about 15, I don't know why I fixated on that so much, but I just always thought I had more time with her. We never even got to say goodbye. She was whisked away by the vet when he found the tumor to have tests done, and later called to ask if they could operate. Of course I said yes. He told me the tumor was just on her spleen and that it could be removed and that there was a very good chance that it was benign and she would be cured. I was so relieved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About an hour later, I got a call from a different vet who was performing the surgery. There was something in her voice...then she slowly started telling me that there was no way to save Taffy. That they would have to put her to sleep then and there on the operating table, and that there was no way I could even go to see her first, because if they waited she would start to struggle under the anesthesia. I had to go to the vets and say goodbye to her afterwards :*((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I love her so much, I am beyond grief stricken with this loss. I also feel guilty because there are times when I just want to go on rescue websites to try to find another dog just to try to stop this pain, to fill this Taffy sized void in my heart. I know I'm nowhere near ready for that, and I feel so guilty that I'm even thinking about it. Like Taffy is just replaceable to me, when there will never be another Taffy. It is also unfair to the other dog, because he or she is their own little being and shouldn't be compared at all, just loved for who they are.

Thank you for hearing my grief.

Hi, Ajoj, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Taffy. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Ajoj, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is one of the many reasons why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this deep sorrow for you are now on a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

I can so understand from first hand experience how you are feeling about not knowing your beloved Taffy was so ill. Cancer is known to be a "silent killer". In addition to this our companions inherit a gene from their wild cousins that inherently make them want to disguise / hide how they're feeling - - for any sign of weakness / injury / illness makes them vulnerable. When I took my beloved feline companion Eli in for his check up when he was 6 years old I thought the vet would tell me that the reason why I had noticed he was having some challenges eating was because he had a bad tooth that needed to be removed. Instead further examination revealed a mass in his abdomen which required emergency surgery which resulted in the removal of one of his kidneys that was fully involved with a malignant tumor which was diagnosed as end stage Lymphoma. The vet treating him at the time did not offer me the option of releasing him from his physical body while he was still under anesthesia. But it did give him and his adopted little feline brother Noah 3 more months together until I had to make the decision to ease my beloved Eli's transition journey home to the angels.

So please try to understand that your beloved Taffy knows that you love her and did everything in your human and humane power to give her a happy, healthy earthly journey. One of the many emotions we ALL experience particularly during the deep grief is guilt / remorse. Hopefully in time you will come to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Taffy is now restored to her former youthfulness in the company of the angels and is patiently waiting for your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy. And as for embracing a new companion into your heart and home - - rest assured that when your heart feels ready your beloved Taffy will guide your path to the right moment in time when you will see a precious soul who is in need of the love that only YOU can give him / her, and you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that it is the RIGHT TIME.

As painful as this grief journey is adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Taffy, there is one thing that will NEVER change - - the love bond you and your beloved Taffy share. Love is eternal, Ajoj - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Taffy's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Taffy with us, Ajoj. She is such a sweetie - - anyone looking at her sweet face can do nothing but smile. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Ajoj, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Ajoj....I am so sorry for your loss of Taffy. Please don't feel guilty about anything. As moon-beam said our companions are good at hiding how they're feeling. I read Taffy's memorial page. It is beautiful and she looks like such a sweet little doggie.

I know what you mean about looking at or for another just like her, but not really wanting to adopt another so soon. When my little Mickey passed away five years ago, I started looking for dogs that looked like him, but not wanting to adopt. I just wanted to look at them. Anyway, I found a little dog that looked like him and a lady wanted to adopt her but couldn't afford all the expense. So I helped her with the expenses so she could adopt her. Even now we keep in touch by email and I still help her. That has helped me so much, because my health got bad and I'm not able to care for another dog.

Again, Ajoj, I am so sorry for your loss of little Taffy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God Bless,

LoveMyMickey

Dear Ajoj, I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Taffy. My heart goes out to you as I understand how painful it is to lose a loved one. It has been 11 months now since I lost my beautiful Lilly and my heart still aches for her, but I take comfort in my belief that she is still around me and comes to see me now and again, but is not in any pain and is happily playing until we meet again. I understand what it is to feel guilty that we couldn't save our babies. Like little Taffy, my Lilly's illness seemed to come out of the blue. I just hadn't realised she was so ill and it comes as a shock. You clearly loved Taffy very much and she loved you right back. Sending much love and support your way, from Lilly's mum.

Dear Ajoj,

I'm so very sorry about the physical loss of precious Taffy!! There is nothing like this kind of pain!

Taffy knows how very much she is loved and does not want you feeling a shred of guilt. Guilt seems to be an automatic part of grief but I pray that yours doesn't last long. You certainly have nothing to feel guilty about.

As far as adopting another precious soul, there is no wrong time---whether it's today or whether it's months from now. As moon_beam said, Taffy will guide you.
I know a lady who adopts disabled pets. She cares for a few at a time, and when one passes she immediately finds the next one she can save. For her this helps ease the grief partly because she knows she's taking in another in honor of the one she lost. But other people prefer to have an adjustment period for quite a while. Do what's right for you.

I also left you a message on the Memorial page.

Will be thinking of you. Please keep letting us know how you are doing.

Blessings,

Kathy

moon_beam - Thank you for sharing about Eli, I felt exactly the same as you. I just thought she had developed bloat, which is dangerous and I was very worried, but it was like being hit by a train when the vet said she had a huge mass. It was like my world just stopped. When you said that cancer is known to be a silent killer, that did comfort me and ease some of the guilt that I feel about not knowing/realizing. And also the instinctual pain-hiding.

The thought of Taffy in her former youthfulness makes me smile and cry, I think it is a mixture of deeply missing her and also happiness that she is happy, and not in pain anymore.

"rest assured that when your heart feels ready your beloved Taffy will guide your path to the right moment in time when you will see a precious soul who is in need of the love that only YOU can give him / her, and you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that it is the RIGHT TIME" Thank you for that wisdom, it helps knowing that I will know, without reservations, when the time is right. And that it will be Taffy guiding me That makes me smile too...

LoveMyMickey - Thank you, Mickey has the sweetest little face and that is so kind of you to do that! I'm so sorry to hear about your health, I said a prayer for you if that's ok.

SoSad - "You clearly loved Taffy very much and she loved you right back." I feel so heartwarmed by that, thank you! It's so easy to fall into the "did I love her enough" trap. But you're right, I love her completely and I know she felt that love. I'm so sorry for your loss of Lilly, I believe she is happy and feeling your love!

LittleGirl'sMommy - Thank you so much, it helps to hear that you don't think I have anything to feel guilty about, I will try to hold onto that. Also that there is no wrong time to adopt another companion! I will let Taffy guide me and let me know, she has such a sweet gentle soul, I know she will <3

I've had that same thinking...the longer I wait, the longer a pet stays in a shelter that I can be providing with love and care. But at the same time, I know I'm not ready. Part of me is, but part of me feels it would be "forgetting" or "replacing" Taffy, and that it would be a betrayal so soon after her passing. I know that way of thinking is wrong, yet it's still there. But what you all have taught me is that Taffy will let me know when the time is right, so I shouldn't stress about how I'm feeling.

Hi Aloj,

I know I'm late to this thread but I just finished reading your post and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I completely understand the pain you're going through. It's one of the worst losses to endure. I lost my kitty a couple months ago and the pain is still nearly unbearable. Some days are better than others but the grief resurfaces at random. I think guilt is normal when we lose our companions. Could we have done more? Should we have acted sooner? Did we love them enough? The guilt eats at me as well. My kitty hated the vet so much and so I postponed hoping she would get better on her own. I will always wonder if I had acted sooner would she still be with me. If I had only given her even more love would that have been enough to keep her with me a few more years. But there's never enough time. Never enough love. And they leave us too soon.

The deep love you have for Taffy will endure. The pain will ultimately fade and you will be left only with the love you shared.

I adopted 3 rescue cats from a high-kill shelter recently. I'm happy to have saved them and it feels good to care for them but they cannot and will never replace my little Fiona. You will know when the time is right to adopt again. One day it will just feel right.

I hope you've been feeling better little by little each day. It's a difficult time but please reach out if you need to.

John