Hi All,
My name is Kim and I'm hoping this forum will help me deal with the passing of my Beloved Rascal. I read some of the postings before I did mine and Ruth's posting sounds alot like me, but then so did alot of the others. This past Wednesday(7/28/04) I had to put my Beloved Rascal to sleep after 14 years of companionship. He had always been a healthy cat, Then at 11 years old he was diagnosed with Feline Urinary Disease and survived both surgeries. The vet that did the surgeries wanted me to put him to sleep before the first surgery because he didn't think he would survive it, but I told him that Rascal was my miracle baby and had outlived nine lives already and he was a fighter. He stayed healthy for the last 3 and a half years. About 2 months ago he started scratching and I thought it was just his skin allergies and treated it as usual and it cleared up. However he then started to lose large patches of hair and that scared me cause it had never happened before. When he started staying in one place for days and going to the bathroom where he layed, I knew it wasn't good. I took him to a new vet and he tested positive for FIV and Feline Leukemia. Talk about a shock, I almost dropped to the floor in disbelief. He had been tested before and never had it. I could have had him treated to live his last days at home, but he was suffering so bad. God knows I was torn between what to do and the hardest part was when I walked out of the exam room after saying my goodbyes and crying in his fur, he just looked at me with those big sad eyes like where are you going mom and why are you leaving me here. If I could take it back, I would have stayed with him until the end. for the first 2 days I felt so guilty for walking out of that room and leaving him there to die alone and I kept asking myself if I should have had him treated to live his last days at home and maybe he would have lived for another month. but then would he have been comfortable? I have been running it over and over in my mind and I keep asking Rascal to send me a sign that he understands, he loves me, and that hes ok.

I think this forum will help me, because after reading some of the postings I realize I'm not alone in how I feel and the guilt is a part of the grief. I guess I'm scared that Rascal will hate me for putting him to sleep and leaving him there and not staying with him until the end. In one of the postings I read that someone put her cats fur in a locket. I think t hats a wonderful way to memorialize their memory. I asked my husband to call the vet and ask them to save me some of his fur and he thought I was a little strange. I also wanted to go and see Rascal one last tiime before cremation, but my husband doesn't think I can handle it. I don't know if I can either. I am hoping some of you who have been through it can help me with this process. I will however be getting his ashes next week.

Rascal was unique cat. I bought him at a pet store in March/April of 1990, he was 6 weeks old. He was part of a Persian mix litter and someone bought the entire litter except for him because he was Coal Black. I walked in the store and heard the loudest meow I have ever heard and I immediately fell in love with him. When the shop owner handed him to me, he jumped out of my arms and made a bee line for the door and I knew right then that keeping him indoors wasn't going to be an easy task. He ended up being an outdoor cat until 5 or 6 years old, he was the block bullie with the males and the block hottie with the females because he was long, sleek and black. He had so many females coing to the door at night it nearly drove me insane listening to the meows. While he was an outdoor cat, he would walk me to and from my car everyday when I lived alone and at night he would walk me in the house and check every room before I walked into it. He was my little guard cat, He would sit in the window until I went to sleep at night and then snuggle up with me. In his later years he liked to sleep above my head on my pillow and put his chin on my fore head, I didn't mind it until he started drooling in his older age. He also loved to nuzzle his nose in my hair above my fore head and give me nose kisses. He was definitely a lover. He had the soft persian fur, it was like a mink coat and I loved cuddling with him. His favorite toys were boxes and bags. His favorite time was christmas, he love playing in the wrapping paper when I wrapped presents and when somebody opened a present he would jump in box and hide so he could be a present too.

If you look at my avatar, believe it or not, both pictures are of Rascal! He was coal black until he was 7 years old and then he started turning white. They said it was the Persian in him. He was about 4 or 5 in the picture of him black and about 10 or 11 in the picture of him white. Pretty weird huh? Well anyway thanks for letting me ramble on and I look forward to meeting and chatting with everyone. I really think it will help. I will periodically change my avatar with different pictures of Rascal as I find them. I want everyone to see hiim in happier times. thats why I used this particular picture if him white becuase hes smiling.

Thanks, Kim

wow kim! Your Rascal was indeed a miracle! And you will find he will continue to be your miracle even though he is no longer physically with you.

It is my locket that has been referred to a couple of times. I bought my locket on eBay and maybe I should post a photo of it sometime. It is plenty big enough to house a little fur--not as much as they sent me from the vets --and I did have kind of a time getting the fur to bend to the right shape to fit inside but it is indeed a wonderful comfort. I also have Ginger's ashes. I never had kept an animals ashes before, even though I have loved other pets. I am glad I have the ashes and the vet also sent me his footprints in ink. I don't think your vet should think the fur is an odd request, many vets are providing these momentos these days. Pets are part of the family..they know that and that is why they won't balk at your request.

I personally wouldn't want to see my Ginger after he had died, but we are all different. I am not sure what your Rascal would look like, whether or not he would be as you remembered him. I am not sure if it would help you with closure or not. I can tell you that I could not be present while they administered the fatal dose to any of my animals. I just know myself well enough that I know I could not handle that. But we are all different. so often I read that the owner feels badly that they weren't in the room and so forth but I had a friend who did hold her cat while the euthanasia was done and she told me she would never do that again--that it all was hard enough without actually feeling the life "go out" of her beloved friend.

Kim, please don't feel bad for not being there--you WERE there! You were there when Rascal needed you to make the grown up, responsible, no-fun decision. what a colossal shock you had--and how deep your love and committment to do the most loving thing you could. As one poster here wrote you took on the pain so that your wonderful friend could be relieved of his. When you "signed on" to be Rascal's owner you were not just there for all the happiness, you were there for the darkest day when you had to come to grips with the fact further time for Rascal would have caused him to suffer. Certainly, you could maybe have given him a couple more weeks, but I can assure you (because I did have a cat that had Feline leukemia) that his final weeks would have been painful and difficult. You did the stand up thing, Kim, because he was so worth it. Let's not forget that our pets do not have a concept of the future. That is a human thing, not an animal thing. So Rascal never thought in terms like "next week" or "next month" so he was deprived of nothing when his life was humanely ended.

Your pet sounds so special. My Ginger was like Rascal--he was a bully and a beauty. He had tons of quirks. Ginger would lay in the grass sunning himself just like that photo in your avatar. He loved the sunshine on his big white belly. There will never be another like him. I cried an ocean and you will too. I love how Rascal changed from black to white! what an amazing thing! He is a MAGICAL cat for sure!
Your Rascal is now playing and rolling around in the grass, young and playful--full of life --chasing butterflies and females and frolicking up a storm at the rainbow bridge. He is not in pain and he will be there waiting for you for the day when you will be re-united.

Bless you for doing the right thing..and cry all you want! cry the healing tears. I cried reading your post about how much you loved him and I couldn't help but think about how much Rascal seemed like my fella--with all his unique ways.

thinking of you and extending my hand in friendship,
Patti

Patti,
God bless you and thank you for the kind words. It helps alot even though it brought me to tears. It feels good to hear someone who has been through it tell me I did the right thing for my baby. Your right, I don't think I could have handled being there to the end, I guess I felt bad walking out of that room with him looking at me like he did. It was os hard. I know I did the right thing for him, but I still wonder if I had gotten him in sooner, would he have surivived and how long has he had these diseases.

I still have my other babies to comfort me. I have 2 other cats Precious 7, anf Gimpy 3. I also have 2 dogs Max 6, nad Taz 1. I think they all realize hes gone, but the only ones I notice looking for him are Max and Precious. They both grew up around him and Precious was his special companion. He loved her so. Precious has been very cuddly and loving since his passing and its helps to ease the pain a little. But now I have to get Precious and Gimpy tested. I don't think I could bear to lose another one. I got Gimpy from my brother and I always said I would have a replacement for Rascal as I knew in my heart he wouldn't be around much longer. But there is no replacing Rascal, he was one of a kind. I will be getting his ashes next week. I almost had his ashes put in The Pest Rest Gardens, but then decided I wanted to keep them. The Pet Rest Gardens in a gorgeous place in Indiana where they put pet ashes to eternal rest in a beautiful serene garden setting. The only part that bothered me about that was he would cremated with a group of other cats and the groups ashes sprinkled in the garden.

Again thank you so much for your encouraging words, it really helps.

Kim

Hi again Kim,
You have to keep us posted about the tests! I am sending up a prayer right now that your other cats will be fine. When it was determined that my cat had Feline leukemia I had my other cat tested and he was fine, so chances are good your kitties will be alright too. It is generally fights where blood and saliva are exchanged that causes transmission. At least that is what I remember the vet saying. I am sending positive thoughts to Indiana!

When I got Ginger's ashes I hated the chintzy tin that he was "in" so later I bought a beautiful ceramic jar instead. I was also really surprised the first container was so small. Ginger had been a huge 17 pound cat and the container they gave me was just like a tea tin. Someone here advised me to leave the ashes in the plastic liner to make the transfer to the other container. Boy, was I glad later they told me that. Well, I was new to all this ..like I wrote, I never had opted to keep ashes before.

I am glad you came here even though this is such an unfortunate place to have to come! All my life I have been very unrealistic about my pets lives. But I guess most of us are that way...we want their lives to go to the maximum, but just like with people that we know some lives are cut shorter than others and it seems so unfair..!!

I am looking forward to seeing more photos of your Rascal. I am putting together a little batch of photos of Ginger too. I do love looking at what a gorgeous creature he was. He had perfect symetrical markings. My significant other used to say he should model to earn his keep. He could have too (except for his disposition--lol)

Best to you and precious gimpy taz and max (and h!)
Patti

Patti,
Yeah I know what you mean, I am getting Rascal's ashes in a metal tin too! However they gave me the option to purchase an urn for his ashes. I went to the website for Pet Rest Gardens and they have some beautiful urns. The one I like is a white kitty figurine urn on a pretty wood base with their name engraved on a gold plate. The website is www.petrestinc.com if you want to check it out. They are in Indiana, but you can can probably call and order one if you decided you wanted one. You have to at least go and look a them, I tried to attach a picture of the figurine urns as a file, but it wouldn't let me. If you go to the website, they are under productsand they are the white kitty figurines; one is laying and one is sitting. I will keep you posted about the tests. I have to sit down this weekend and pull out my pictures of Rascal. You know the sad part is I don't think I have any pictures of him as a tiny baby. I think my pictures start at about 1 or 2 yrs old. I'm not sure. I might just group them together and attach them as file in a message to you so you can see him close up. Thanks for being here for me. Its nice to make a new friend.


Hugs, Kim

Hello Kim

Your Rascal sounds like a wonderful boy. I've never heard of a cat turning from coal black to pure white. Mine had a handful of grey hairs, but what happened to Rascal was quite extraordinary. You know when men turn white they are described as 'distinguished'. Is that how you referred to Rascal?

I love your description of him and I can imagine him being a present in a box. It's funny how it always takes twice as long to wrap anything if you've cat around. And why do they always manage to get sellotape stuck to their paws then comically limp around trying to remove the offending item until you come to their rescue.

Gingerspal, you've started a trend with the locket. In fact, yesterday dinnertime I went to the jewellers and bought one. I spent a long time fussing around because it had to be just right. I wanted a stronger chain because I didn't want there to be any chance of it coming off. The whole event felt quite positive. I haven't put the fur in yet, but I will do when I feel a little stronger. Gingerspal, you know you said you never take it off, does that include when you have a bath or shower? I am worried that the hair will rot if it gets damp even though I've chosen a locket without a clear plastic bit inside so I can fashion something myself and make it as water tight as possible.

I don't think there are any right or wrong ways to leave your pal. I chose to be with him, but believe me that his drawbacks I think we've both got to try and remember those last few minutes are very short compared to the amount of time we've had them and they wouldn't have known what was going to happen.

I'm looking forward to getting my cat's ashes back. Like you, I didn't want him scattered in a communal place - he'd hate it as he only ever wanted to be with me and me with him. I've also opted for the simplest thing they come in, so that I can find something special to me to put him in. I haven't decided what yet but I think it will have to be box shaped as I would like to paste his photos round it. I've go the opposite problem to you, I have photos of him as a kitten but hardly any of him later!

Regarding going to see him, it'll be very traumatic and might look rather odd and not like the cat you knew, but if you think you'll regret it if you don't then you must do it.

Take care

kimberly thanks for the link--it was kind of comforting for me to "choose" a nicer vessel for Ginger's remains. I hope to post a photo of it in the next day or so.
Ruth, I do shower with the locket on--it does have a very secure "snap" when closed and I just looked inside and all is ok. I just "risked" it because I have another extra wad of fur in case this one does deteriorate. The vets office really sent me a big hunk of fur-- I guess they wanted to make sure I had some of each color and he was brown, black, orange and white. lol, see I am laughing now but I can tell you when I got the tuft of fur with a tiny yarn tie around it I just cried and cried and cried and cried.
The locket has been a great thing for me. For one thing when my mother passed away (I was right there at her side) the nurse took off my mom's ring and handed it to me. so I put it on the chain with my locket. I could wear that ring but somehow it feels better to me to wear it around my neck. All this produces kind of a "clinking clanking" sound when I turn over at night--lol. but lots of times I hold the locket and the ring in my hand. I give it a squeeze and think about my mom and my Ginger--and how young and beautiful they both are how neither one of them has any pain or discomfort and how lucky I was to have had them, how I will be with them again one day and in the meantime how they are with me here on earth in my locket and in my heart.

Kim,

I just read about your ordeal. I am so sorry for your loss! It is heart-breaking, I know. For several days after my Little Girl passed on, (March 24, 2004), I stayed in bed with my computer (I spent hours per day at this site and another grief site I had been on). She was my daughter and the love of my life, and I wondered how I'd be able to survive.

Rascal sounds very special. Oh, and he's definitely not mad at you for anything. Within seconds after you last saw him alive, he was in total bliss. In the realm he's in now, he'll never have to experience physical or emotional pain, which are earthly problems that those of us who are left behind have to face. I believe that there's no time or space in that higher realm; therefore, his spirit is still there with you as much as it was before. The only thing missing is his physical body. But he is all-wise now, and he understands how much you love him, and he wants you to be okay as you continue your earthly life. When it's your time, you'll be fully reunited.

As I was reading about his white fur, I saw it as "angel fur".... That's how I think of the white fur on my sweet Little Girl.

Oh, I wanted to mention that I looked back at Little Girl's body after she had been put to sleep, and I was a bit startled when I saw her eyes. They had a vacant look. Then I realized: Of course they were "vacant" because she, my precious Little Girl, was not in there anymore. That beautiful body had carried her soul around for almost 17 years, but that body wasn't designed to last any longer. So, if you go to see Rascal's body, just be prepared (but think of it as a good thing. Really, he is in bliss now!!!)

I am glad to meet you. Keep coming and sharing, and keep us posted on your other babies' tests. I'll be sending prayers.

Love,

Kathy

P.S. I really like what Patti said: "So Rascal never thought in terms like "next week" or "next month" so he was deprived of nothing when his life was humanely ended."

The people here are amazing. Certain things will probably really "click" with you and will be the things you will keep reminding yourself of during the moments when you wonder how you'll go on.

Ruth, Patti, and Kathy,
God bless you all and thank you for your responses. It really means alot to me. I decided not to go see Rascal after he was put to sleep as I didn't think I could handle it. I also didn't get any of his fur, one because my husband kept forgetting to call and ask(I couldn't call without crying), and with his condition and being contagious, I wasn't sure it was a good idea. But thats ok because I'm still going to get a locket and instead of fur, I'm going to put a picture of him black in one side and a picture of him white in the other side! What do you think? Oh yeah I wanted to tell you all, I got the most beautiful yet totally unexpected surprise from the vet today! I recieved a package in the mail and in the package was a plaster of paris circle shaped plaque with Rascal's paw print and the most beautiful card with a poem about the Rainbow Bridge in it. It was signed by everyone on staff at the new vets office including the doctors. I was so surprised and it made me feel so good to know they cared enough to do that for me. Kathy I noticed you called your little girl your daughter which is beautiful and I know how you feel. Rascal was my son as I was never able to have children. My husband cried too, but he thinks I'm going a little to far for a cat, but he has supported me all the way.
Ruth, yes Rascal was very distinguished and he was always poised and posed like he was the king of the castle and star of the show. I told gingerspal that the Pet Rest Gardens has a website and on the website you can order urns for your pets ashes. They have some very beautiful urns. My favorite is the figurine urn, its a white kitty statue urn laying or sitting on a pretty wood base with your pets name engraved on a gold plate. They have other figurine urns too. I also liked the wooden urns with a place for their picture and their name. If anyone wants to check them out, the website is www.petrestinc.com and the urns are listed under products. Well thanks again everyone for your thoughtful postings and for being new friends for someone who really needed it. I will be back, but I've got to do my final exam as I go to school online and its due this week. Talk to you soon.

Hugs to all, Kim/Rascal's Mom

I have a tuft of fur from all of my cats in a jewelry box. I don't think it is strange at all. Vets probably get this request a lot. The locket is a nice idea, too.

As for the guilt, I don't think it matters what you do, it will always be there. People here have posted that they kept their pet going for too long and should have taken that humane step sooner. In my case, I felt guilt because some people had been successful in treating their kitties with kidney failure, so I thought maybe I should have kept him going. I was used to giving him shots because he had diabetes. He was also 16, and hated going to the vets all of the time. I made the tough call because I didn't know what his quality of life would have been. Cats and dogs are too good at hiding their pain and illness, so it would have been very tough to gauge whether he was suffering or not.

I think the decisions of what to do about that final step and what to do with the remains is a very personal one. I opted to not keep the cremains of either Oswald or Carmen. I thought long and hard about Oswald. Carmen was happiest when we spent some time on a farm and she could roam around the fields. It was tough to get her indoors, so when they said they would sprinkle her ashes on a farmer's field, I thought it was perfect - she wouldn't have to come back indoors again, but could roam around tormenting mice. As for Oswald, he was a big baby and liked to hang around people all of the time, particularly me. I didn't want to sprinkle his ashes in my garden because we will probably be moving in five years or so and I wouldn't want to leave him behind. I asked the vet's assistant what they were going to do with the ashes before I made my decision. She said they took them to a tree farm. That was also perfect, because I found Oswald up a tree in the morning after a very stormy night. So that was why I opted to do that, thinking it was a sign. I wanted him to become part of the life cycle again. I don't believe that the body is where the soul resides after death, so I chose to remember both kitties' spirits. In your case, you wanted to keep the ashes. So that is a right choice, too. Many people find comfort in the presence and choose that option.

That is very interesting about his hair turning white. Rascal truly was a miracle, and I am very sorry for your loss.

Dee Dee