First Saturday Alone

This is the first Saturday/weekend without having my precious baby girl, Bailey here with me. I miss her not being here to wake up early with, have coffee with, watch television with, lie in the sun so happily and looking up at me, lying in my lap and sleeping peacefully, taking an afternoon nap with me, and on and on and on and on.

As I know most of you know, life is just so different now. The house feels so very large and lonely. I absolutely loved for the weekends to get here so Bailey and I had a lot of time to hang out and do nothing together. She loved it too! We were two peas in a pod. I liked what she liked and she liked what I liked!

My two cats are being very loving and trying very hard to help soften my pain and for that I'm very thankful but life just isn't the same on this first saturday alone without my baby girl, Bai Bai.

For all of you feeling my same pain today, I send you a big hug.

Bailey's Mom Forever!

My Heart Aches For My Bailey ...

This is somewhat of an entailed story but as my heart aches and I'm searching for some comfort and peace I feel blessed to have found this wonderfully supportive site.

I had never had a dog and never wanted one but my partner loved dogs and had always had dogs. Finally, I agreed to just go look at some ~~z zu puppies. Needless to say, there was one precious baby who looked at me with her baby brown eyes and her little pink tongue stuck half way out of her mouth. I instantly fell in love and my life was never the same again. That was 11 years ago. Bailey and I did everything together. She was the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw when I fell asleep at night. She didn't care what time I woke up; she was there and waiting to sit in my lap and do whatever I wanted. When my partner had to be out of town, Bailey was my comforter and companion. She was the joy I saw each day when I came home from work and the precious baby who walked me to the door each morning as I left for work.

Throughout her 11 years Bailey had her eye scratched by one of our two cats, had severe allergies, had to have several fatty tumors removed, had several stones on her kidneys, and just last year (during our week of planned vacation to Florida) she had a tumor on her adrenal gland that required major surgery at an out of town specialty hospital. At that time we knew that she had one kidney smaller than the other and one good kidney. The doctor explained that all should go well but the worst case scenario would be that one of the dormant kidney stones some day slipped and lodged in the good kidney tract. Bailey recovered from her surgery as always, just like a trooper! We started feeding her special kidney food, she took kidney medication and thyroid medication in addition to her allergies medication. We felt that we were doing everything to protect her and would have another several years of life with our baby.

Just two or two and a half weeks ago, Bailey had her comprehensive exams done (annual exams). It was a great day because it was one of the first times of many, many visits to her doctor that we were not asked to "step into a room" to hear more about what was wrong with her this time. We were so happy for her that she had a good result. Llast Wednesday as we were preparing for our vacation to Florida (same week as last year!), I took Bailey to be groomed and to have her parvo nose spray treatment and distemper shot. I picked her up from the vet and everything was good. I dreaded being without her as we were leaving on Sunday for vacation to Florida but my partner assured me that all would be good and we knew we had two wonderful women housesitting/babysitting our Bailey and two cats.

On Wednesday and Thursday Bailey didn't seem to feel her best but often times she would feel a bit lethargic from her low energy level and would bounce right back and since we had just had her comprehensive exam with good results and she had just had her shots we thought that everything was fine. We had a wedding to be a part of last Saturday so we were quite busy on Friday and Saturday even though we were leaving on Sunday morning. She loved for me to sing to her and most of the day on Friday I was practicing my song for the wedding and she lay on the couch watching me sing as she always did. We left the house on Saturday for the wedding around 3:00 but my partner's dad and his wife were at our home with Bailey until about 7:00 pm and we returned home around 11 pm. When we arrived home Bailey was sitting in the chair just inside our front door (not the usual place she stays while we are gone; she is usually on the edge of the couch arm peeking around the corner at us). It was late and my partner fed Bailey and brought her to bed. She did not take a walk that night. When in bed she acted as normal and slept snuggly in between us. We woke up early and I still dreaded leaving her. She had needed to get up two times between 12:00 and 4:30 to go outside to potty. When I got up with her at 4:30 I stayed up and we sat on the couch. She had some chills so I covered her with her blankie and we sat together for about an hour. Sometimes from time to time she would have chills but the doctor had said that was probably because of her age and the kidney/thyroid issues she had. As I finished packing, I took Bailey upstairs to sit on the bed. She just seemed to sit there and watch and didn't want to lie down as she usually did. Finally, I kind of gently pushed her body so that she could lie down and rest while we were finishing up our packing. Her chills seemed to subside a bit. About an hour later it was time to leave for Florida. My partner and I lifted Bailey off the ground and gave her big kisses on each side of her fuzzy face. She didn't walk us to the door that morning which was odd. She just stood on the living room step and watched us leave. My partner was convinced that Bailey was pouting because she knew that packed bags meant we were all going on a trip and she wasn't getting to go this time.

Bailey's aunties who would be staying with her and our cats for the week arrived around 12:30 or so. They said when they came in the house she seemed a bit odd and just stood and stared at them. As they approached her she tinkled on the floor which was not Baily at all. They quickly noticed spots of diarhea on the floor which was not her at all. We had arrived in Florida already so they called. My partner said her dad had fed her some ham the day before and it was probably just an upset stomach which she did have from time to time so it seemed to make sense. I kept saying I didn't think she felt well and they should take her to her doctor but everyone else seemed to believe her tummy was upset. Sure enough they called back in about an hour and said Bailey was resting with one of them and taking a nap on the couch. She slept for an hour or so and they went to get her some chicken. They called back and said she had eaten a little chicken and had even been outside to potty and her bm seemed a bit more solid. All good signs of improvement ... or so we thought. They called back one more time and said Bailey was taking another nap and was resting. We went to dinner thinking Bailey was better. About 10:00 Sunday night they called again and said Bailey was having some type of convulsion/seizure and was yelping. As quickly as possible, they took her to the animal emergency room where they began testing for poisoning and other things. They determined that her glucose level had dropped to 4!! They began her on fluids and glucose. It was one very long night as our baby was here and we were in Floriday, even though she was two of her aunties who couldn't have taken better care of her. They stayed with her all night at the animal hospital. The next morning at 8 they transported her to her regular doctor. They did an ultrasound and found that the worst case scenario had ocurred! The kidney stone had slipped into and lodged. They quickly sent us back to Cincinnati to the emergency specialty hospital. The glucose wasn't stabilizing and she had to have her iv all the way on the hour and a half drive. They also had sugar water to give her. She had had one other seizure in the night at the emergency hospital.

At this point my partner had planned a flight into Cincinnati but couldn't get there until Monday evening around 8:15. Another of our friends made the trip with Baily as well so she had three ofher loving aunties with her until my partner arrived. The doctor confirmed that the kidney stone was in the tract of the good kidney and she had already lost 75% of her kidney functioning. Infection had also ocurred and had affected the pancreas in some way (it is all running together right now). They said Baily was in pain and didn't feel her quality of life would ever be good even if she could make it through the surgery. The worst time of our lives had arrived. When my partner finally got to our baby girl, Bailey, she was heavily sedated to help ease her pain. She spoke to the internalist, surgeon and had them call her regular doctor back at home. They all agreed Bailey's quality of life would not be good. By 11:30 Monday evening my partner held our baby girl close in her arms and gave her love and kisses as she apologized for not being able to save her and keep her safe this time. She said Bailey gave her a very weak glimpse with her brown eyes and she knew then it was her sign that Bailey was tired and was ready to go. She was held and loved until the very end and then about 30 minutes afterwards.

I am not a good bearer of pain and Bailey knew that. She knew I got very upset when she was not feeling well. We had always talked about whether I would be able to be with her during her final hours and how I would feel guilty if I wasn't. If I had been home when Bailey had her seizure I would have absolutely freaked out of control just because I get so stressed in those situations. I want to believe that Bailey had a plan to protect me but it is just so hard. I feel guilty for leaving her that morning because I felt like she didn't feel good but we just thought we was pouting. I wonder if she was asking us to please stay with her. I wonder what she must have been thinking about us just walking out on her when she didn't feel well. I understand that I will never know and I can't keep saying "what if" but I'm just searching for some comfort and peace.

Life is already not the same. The hardest part is all of the "no mores." Everywhere I look I see our memories and what we did together. It is so very hard. I would appreciate any words of comfort or insight that you might have.

Baby Girl Bailey's Grieving Mom!