Does This Happen To You? Options

[beth26]

I've been doing really well after a rough first couple of weeks. I'm on week four. I've been pretty busy getting a new school year started so that has kept my mind more positive.

However, it is interesting how from time to time I start to think about my loss. This of course is normal. The part that is challenging is getting out of my mind that last hour of my kitty's life. Since I made the choice to euthanize her, my last memory is mixed. I get a wave a guilt when I think about taking her, putting her in the cat carrier and taking her down to the vet's office. She was alert as it was the one time of day she was pretty awake around 3 p.m. I seem to at first forget that most of the time (for the last couple of months) she sat in this uncomfortable way, stopped purring when I touched her (as she did for so many years, but stopped doing so the last four weeks or so of her life), moaned from time to time, ate just an amount of food that couldn't possible keep her going, was skinny, was losing the ability to eliminate feces in a comfortable way. Instead, I just imagine her awake and aware as I put her in the carrier and as my vet gave her the last shots.

Anyway, those last images of her in my mind make me feel guilty, even though my rational mind knows I most likely timed it well so that she didn't starve to death and lose so much weight and then suffer pain. I have to really make the effort to remind myself the true reality of the situation. That she was not going to get better. It is amazing how irrational we are about these kinds of things...we are so connected emotionally that is hard to think straight.

So, I just wanted to see if anyone else had these kinds of thoughts after the loss of their beloved pet.

[moon_beam]

Hi, beth, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Scientific studies show that a traumatic event is imprinted on the brain, and depending on the intensity of the event, the mind will "replay" the images for several minutes, several days, several weeks, and in some cases for the rest of one's life (such as survivor's and survivor families of Pearl Harbor, September 11, 2001, events; D-Day, etc.). What you are experiencing is normal - - for losing a beloved furchild is a very traumatic event - - no matter what the cir%%stances are or how peaceful we try to make it for them. Guilt is also a very normal part of the grieving process and can intensify the frequency of the "replay". There is hope, though - - Eventually the guilt and the memories you have of Pushkin's last moments will fade as you are able to focus more on the happy memories of her. Perhaps at some point in time you may want to think about doing a memorial for Pushkin that will help you to focus on your life together - - like a memorial scrapbook or journal or poem - - or something that will bring you comfort. Because Pushkin wants you to remember her as she was prior to her illness - - virbrant - - and to be happy as you embrace her sweet living Spirit that continues to be a very integral part of your life and memories - - just as she always has been. Beth, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey that cannot be rushed, unfortunately. But please know we are here for you to help you in every way we can as long and as often as you need us. I hope what I have shared with you helps you, Beth. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[AngelCareOne]

I've been doing really well after a rough first couple of weeks. I'm on week four. I've been pretty busy getting a new school year started so that has kept my mind more positive.

However, it is interesting how from time to time I start to think about my loss. This of course is normal. The part that is challenging is getting out of my mind that last hour of my kitty's life. Since I made the choice to euthanize her, my last memory is mixed. I get a wave a guilt when I think about taking her, putting her in the cat carrier and taking her down to the vet's office. She was alert as it was the one time of day she was pretty awake around 3 p.m. I seem to at first forget that most of the time (for the last couple of months) she sat in this uncomfortable way, stopped purring when I touched her (as she did for so many years, but stopped doing so the last four weeks or so of her life), moaned from time to time, ate just an amount of food that couldn't possible keep her going, was skinny, was losing the ability to eliminate feces in a comfortable way. Instead, I just imagine her awake and aware as I put her in the carrier and as my vet gave her the last shots.

Anyway, those last images of her in my mind make me feel guilty, even though my rational mind knows I most likely timed it well so that she didn't starve to death and lose so much weight and then suffer pain. I have to really make the effort to remind myself the true reality of the situation. That she was not going to get better. It is amazing how irrational we are about these kinds of things...we are so connected emotionally that is hard to think straight.

So, I just wanted to see if anyone else had these kinds of thoughts after the loss of their beloved pet.

Dearest Beth, my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious baby girl fur kid. So many people have the feelings you're having right now. Since you sound like you want to have straight answers, please forgive me if I sound "technical" ... Just ask anyone here who knows me and they'll tell you how I cry along with most people who come here. However, you really seem to me to have that "Need to Know" so I'm going to level with you, Dear One. God Bless!

You did say: "I seem to at first forget that most of the time (for the last couple of months) she sat in this uncomfortable way, stopped purring when I touched her (as she did for so many years, but stopped doing so the last four weeks or so of her life), moaned from time to time, ate just an amount of food that couldn't possible keep her going, was skinny, was losing the ability to eliminate feces in a comfortable way." ... So, you know that she had lost her quality of life. She was so ill. What appears to be gnawing at you is that you perceived her as you put it: "I get a wave a guilt when I think about taking her, putting her in the cat carrier and taking her down to the vet's office. She was alert as it was the one time of day she was pretty awake around 3 p.m."

You said that was the last hour of your kitty's life. Beth, do you know anything about the very common phenomenon of a terminally ill human "rallying" during their last day to the point were they could probably enjoy a night out at the Mardi Gras or dancing disco? Then within the next 6 to 10 hours, that person suddenly just ... Stops. Expires. It happens all the time and not only in humans but in animals as well.

Here, we are dealing with a kitty though. Did you know that cats and dogs will act more "brave" when they're ill so as not to appear vulnerable to other animals of their own or other species until the point when they become so sick that they find a place to hide then just drift off and not wake up. That's another possibility of what may have happened when your kitty was alert for those last hours.

There's one more phenomenon and I believe this is what really did happen. You were very, very worried about her, weren't you? I don't know if you cried or not since you didn't say that in your message. Beth, your kitty picks up on how you feel and knows when you're sad, worried, scared and so on. The same goes for doggies. When that happens and your kitty can sense how upset you are, she will do her best to rally so she can comfort you no matter how sick she is.

That happens often with both kitties and doggies. Even though they are so ill, in pain, want to just go to sleep and not wake up so they will be at peace, those kitties and doggies will hang in there if they sense their fur mommy is sad, upset, worried, scared and so on. Humans do the same thing as far as "waiting" until they know everyone will be all right should they just let go as they want so badly to do and be rid of their illness and pain for once and for all. But, they cannot rest in peace until they're positive all around them will be okay.

Beth, your kitty loved you that much and still does, Dear One! I hope I've been of some small help to you. If you'd like my credentials, I'm a retired nurse of over 26 years and was in Animal Rescue and Rehabilitation for almost 30 years. I pray you can put your worried mind to rest so that your precious fur baby kitty will also be able to rest at The Rainbow Bridge and know that Mommy is going to be ... Okay.

Winging Many Angels and Comforting Hugs to your and your precious fur baby at The Rainbow Bridge!!! You are truly a dear, thoughtful, loving, caring, compassionate, wonderful person!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[AngelCareOne]

Hi, beth, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Scientific studies show that a traumatic event is imprinted on the brain, and depending on the intensity of the event, the mind will "replay" the images for several minutes, several days, several weeks, and in some cases for the rest of one's life (such as survivor's and survivor families of Pearl Harbor, September 11, 2001, events; D-Day, etc.). What you are experiencing is normal - - for losing a beloved furchild is a very traumatic event - - no matter what the cir%%stances are or how peaceful we try to make it for them. Guilt is also a very normal part of the grieving process and can intensify the frequency of the "replay". There is hope, though - - Eventually the guilt and the memories you have of Pushkin's last moments will fade as you are able to focus more on the happy memories of her. Perhaps at some point in time you may want to think about doing a memorial for Pushkin that will help you to focus on your life together - - like a memorial scrapbook or journal or poem - - or something that will bring you comfort. Because Pushkin wants you to remember her as she was prior to her illness - - virbrant - - and to be happy as you embrace her sweet living Spirit that continues to be a very integral part of your life and memories - - just as she always has been. Beth, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey that cannot be rushed, unfortunately. But please know we are here for you to help you in every way we can as long and as often as you need us. I hope what I have shared with you helps you, Beth. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Bless you, Moon Beam. Beth, Moon Beam know exactly what she's talking about, Dear One. You are in my thoughts and prayers as is your fur baby kitty. Peace and Love be Yours!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[ryancat]

Hello Beth.It as been almost a year since I have visited this site.Today something made me come back here just to check on things and to see if I could help someone else in ther grief.I know just how you feel and what you are feeling is very normal.That doesn't make it any easier to deal with but I hope knowingthat others have gone thur it will help you and let you know that time does help the hurt so much.When my boy Sox died it was so bad for me.I went months crying every night,thinking of him all the time and most of all,feeling guilty that maybe,just maybe I had taken him to the vets just a bit too soon.Now of course I know now that I did not do that but at the time you certainly doubt yourself over and over.That seems normal to me.You loved your baby and you did what was best for her.Making the decision to put them to sleep is NEVER an easy choice but it's done solely out of love for you pet without regard to your own feelings.Please be assured that what your feeling is completely normal and that with time it will go away.You'll always miss your baby and that hurt will take awhile to fade but please trust me when I say it does get easier each passing day.It's now been almost 2 years since my boy Sox went to the rainbow bridge and I can honestly say there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him but it's different now too.Bless your heart for coming to this site and I hope that by knowing others are feeling the same pain as you are that it somehow helps you too.You'll be in my thought and prayers tonight and I am sending love your way too.And also remember that your baby will always live in your heart and that she's safe at the rainbow bridge.She'll wait there for you and she also knows yo did the right thing for her.Please take care and let us know how your doing.Sincerely,Renee

[goliath]

The part that is challenging is getting out of my mind that last hour of my kitty's life. Since I made the choice to euthanize her, my last memory is mixed.

As time goes on more of the happier memories surface. Little by little they come as you are learning to live a new and different kind of life. Those last hours or moments begin to fade when we can realize their real gifts to us are the wonderful memories that were left behind. Over time the happy times overpower the sad times. Letting go of the sad last moments and working through our deep sorrow is what allows us to hang onto to their beautiful loving spirit.

This journey of healing is long and hard. As we walk together we can pick up the pieces of our broken heart and heal together. Your furangel is still with you and always will be. Let the love you have for each other shine all around you.

Hugs of comfort,
Beth

[beth26]

Thank you all for your amazing responses. I really appreciate your advice. Wow...there are some very knowledgeable and experienced people on here. I'm in my 30s, but I haven't really had a traumatic death experience before, so I really found your advice helpful. Thanks for your time and thoughtful responses.

[AngelCareOne]

Hi Beth,

I wanted to check in to see how you're doing. Oh, you've never been through a traumatic death experience? Awww, I'm so sorry this happened, Dear One! You seem to sound a little better and that we helped just a bit. How are you really feeling? I'm concerned you may very well be grieving right now. Please write when you're able. Okay? It really does help to talk about it and we are here for you, Beth. Please know we care, do understand and want to help in anyway we can.

Winging Many Angels and Comforting Hugs to you and your fur baby kitty at The Rainbow Bridge!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[AngelCareOne]

Hi again Beth. I wanted to let you know that I'm also lighting virtual candles for you and your fur baby kitty. Since I don't know her name, I put your name as Beth26 instead of Beth so you'll know which candle is yours.

Someone asked me how to find the candles I've lit for them and their fur children so I'll tell you now how to find yours. Once you get to the link I'll post at the end of this paragraph, go to the upper left hand, click "Search" and type in the initials: "DZ" then that will take you to the candles I've lit for you, your fur child baby girl kitty as well as all the other candles I've lit for more Fur Mommies, Daddies and their precious Fur Babies. And here is the direct link to that site: Light a Candle.

Beth, it's free and you can light as many candles as you want as often as you wish should you desire to go to that link and light candles for yourself, your fur baby or any reason at all. Remember that each candle burns virtually for 48 hours so you'll know to keep tabs.

More Hugs to You and Your Precious Fur Baby!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[Jools]

Hello Beth,

I am still finding it hard to read about other peoples' losses (eleven days since my black and white cat Ming died) but what you said struck such a strong chord in me. The guilt. Its awful, and as you say, irrational. Ming died at home. I had said to my wife that if he hung on for another day I would take him to the vet (I held off because he hadn't been for nearly sixteen years) but mercifully for him, he died with me next to him, quietly and painlessly. Those last breaths are what haunt me and the guilt. I can't help thinking that I should have taken him to the vet and they might have helped him, or maybe I made him suffer by not taking him and the vet could have put him to sleep sooner.

But it is heart and soul thoughts that make us feel that way, not head thoughts. When I get my head in charge I know that the guilt I am feeling is just a cover for the terrible heartbreak of losing one of the best parts ever of my life.

What I am trying to say is that I can't really write anything useful to help you, but reading what you wrote has actually made me think with my head a little more, and has actually help me. I have to get rid of the guilt, and so do you.

I thank you for your words. They have helped me more than you can know. Guilt is bad and clouds the real feelings and memories.

Jools

[Omarmommy]

Beth,

I had guilt for days afterwards. I was angry at my husband for making me make the decision. I knew the vet couldn't tell me what to do, and my husband just said "Do what you want". Well...what I wanted was to grab Omar and run out the door!! My guilt stemed from Omar still having some "Quality of Life". He could still walk...it was hard going up the stairs, but he could do it. He was still telling me when he needed to go outside...he was still standing in the kitchen with me begging for whatever I was making. He was still in the front window barking at kids or other animals. So when I had to make the choice, it was a very very hard one. The xray showed a different picture. His outside appearance looked 'normal'. Except for his bones sticking out where they used to be covered with fat. I truly didn't know how much longer he was going to be 'normal' and I was so afraid of him deteriorating overnight...when it wouldn't be 'convenient'. I didn't want to see him in pain. He started breathing bad at night...and that was hard enough. The vet said they didn't know how long it would be, but he would die like he's drowning. I didn't want that. But with him in the vet office...wagging his tail at everyone while I was crying my eyes out...him sniffing the table where he knew the treats were when he left...that broke my heart. I KNEW what was going to happen...and his little sweet face had no idea. Was it what he wanted? Was he ready to go? Is he mad at me now? These are things that still to this day go through my mind. I try not to think about them now since there is nothing I can do about it. I hope he knows how hard it was for me to do that and that I loved him dearly that I didn't want him to feel pain. He lived his 14 years with no pain. Some bloating from getting into brownies, but no pain. I would like to remember him with his tail wagging then with him crying.

Hugs,
Marcie

[beth26]

I have a lot of specific comments for specific folks here!

MoonBeam- I want to thank you for this response and your responses when my Pushkin first died. I see that you are an important part of the forum....you are always there for everyone.

AngelCareOne--Your thoughts as a nurse and your kindness is so heartfelt and helpful.

Ryancat--thank your for sharing your story and letting me know how normal these feelings are!

Goliath--thanks for your sense of hope for the future.

Jools--thanks for sharing your story and understanding about the sense of guilt that goes with the last memories.

Omarmommy--your story relating to feeling bad about your pet looking so alive in some ways, but knowing it had done, really connects to how I felt/feel.

[Steph]

Well, my dog was barely able to raise his head at the vet's on his last day, and I've been questioning whether I waited too long. I think that if I'd done it earlier I would have thought that it was too soon. I think we blame ourselves no matter what. They are in our care, we are supposed to take care of them.

When they die, it feels like failure on some level no matter what happens. I saw this because I have had three dogs:
Frodo - euthanized while still fairly able bodied, but became aggressive due to pain from tumour - blamed myself for doing it too soon
Luba - sudden death due to previously undetected congenital heart condition - blamed myself for not picking up on the vague signs of illness that she'd displayed, and for the fact that she died at the vet's suddenly without me being with her
Falkor - euthanized, he had several long drawn out illness - blamed myself for doing it too late, for doing it at all, for not being able to help him more etc etc etc

We just want to be able to make them better because we love them so much.

[AngelCareOne]

Dearest Beth, I'm glad that collectively we were able to help you a little at this very difficult time. I wanted to drop by again to see how you're doing and show you some fur kid love (top photo) as well as a celestial image where a light passes every few seconds from left to right as you view sparkles (bottom photo). Those are Angels watching over you and your precious fur baby girl. God Bless!


http://www.flektor.com/view/_1220331777_78...620_2_0_004_019


Sending More Comforting Hugs Your Way!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. I'm Sorry the photo of your fur baby got a bit distorted as I enhanced and enlarged it, Dear One. It looked fine just a little smaller and I could have stopped there. I'll know better next time. More Hugs!!!

[ann]

I've been doing really well after a rough first couple of weeks. I'm on week four. I've been pretty busy getting a new school year started so that has kept my mind more positive.

However, it is interesting how from time to time I start to think about my loss. This of course is normal. The part that is challenging is getting out of my mind that last hour of my kitty's life. Since I made the choice to euthanize her, my last memory is mixed. I get a wave a guilt when I think about taking her, putting her in the cat carrier and taking her down to the vet's office. She was alert as it was the one time of day she was pretty awake around 3 p.m. I seem to at first forget that most of the time (for the last couple of months) she sat in this uncomfortable way, stopped purring when I touched her (as she did for so many years, but stopped doing so the last four weeks or so of her life), moaned from time to time, ate just an amount of food that couldn't possible keep her going, was skinny, was losing the ability to eliminate feces in a comfortable way. Instead, I just imagine her awake and aware as I put her in the carrier and as my vet gave her the last shots.

Anyway, those last images of her in my mind make me feel guilty, even though my rational mind knows I most likely timed it well so that she didn't starve to death and lose so much weight and then suffer pain. I have to really make the effort to remind myself the true reality of the situation. That she was not going to get better. It is amazing how irrational we are about these kinds of things...we are so connected emotionally that is hard to think straight.

So, I just wanted to see if anyone else had these kinds of thoughts after the loss of their beloved pet.

Hi Beth, I'd like to add to your guilt question. I told someone here once who was having a hard time with that last day, that last image, that's it's the one memory of our pets we need not hold onto. I can't even take my own advice. The heart and head have been battling for months now. With Arthur he was in so much pain and in a strange place with strange people which scared him to the max. His blood pressure was all over the place they couldn't regulate it. I keep thinking over and over if I only demanded to stay with him for a while, maybe if part of it was being scared, he would have calmed down and stablized long enough to have surgery so I would have known for sure if he could have survied this and have a normal life. Then I think of all the problems and needing help just to go to the litter box, for how long? his whole life? And those words after he got is shot, "ok he's gone now no more pain, he's gone" will haunt me til I die. I think everyone hear would tell you if they went back to do it over again they would change something. Sometimes I'd wish he died overnight so I wouldn't have had to go thru that, but I would have felt awful "not being there". Or wishing he never came home, but I would have felt awful I never got a chance to save him. It doesn't really matter, it just hurts and only time will get us thru this "guilt". Just one of the normal phases of grief I guess.. Good luck to you and all of us.. Hugs.. Ann