I Feel So Guilty, He passed away at the Vet's :( Options

[KerryCat]

It's been a week since I received the horrible phone call that my baby passed away at the Vet's. His name was Nathaniel. I loved him so much. We shared a special bond that I'm not sure that I will ever share with another being. Nathaniel, was almost 17 years old. I got him as a kitten. He's been through so much with me. My first house, my divorce, different moves while I figured out my life, my new relationship and he came to love my new husband. He was a constant. He was someone who never let me down. Recently he was starting to show the signs of aging. But whenever he would seem sick, he would bounce back. I had him on a special diet for his kidneys and he took medicine twice a day for his thyroid. The past couple of years he had some chronic constipation issues. I did my best to stay on top of it. If I noticed he was struggling, I had medicine on hand to deal with it. If I didn't notice quick enough I would have to bring him to the vet and they would hydrate him and give him an enema which I am sure was not pleasant for him. One of my other cats started going in his litter box, making it difficult to detect, also more life responsibilities made it harder to stay on top of it. It just got to be a very busy time and I hate myself for not noticing his pains sooner.

One night I was up late working and he came and sat beside me gave me his snuggles and love. Then suddenly he was acting strange. I could tell something was wrong. I thought it was the same issue. I gave him his medicine and thought, if he was still acting strange in the morning, I would bring him to the vet first thing. He seemed ok the next morning. So I went on with my day and never looked back until now. I'm in the process of buying a house, so that weekend got busy and I wasn't home too much. Then Monday and Tuesday I had some commitments at night. But that Tuesday night he slept with me in my bed and we snuggled almost the whole night. I woke up at about 4 or 5 am to him peeing in our bedroom (which he never does). I sat with him for a bit and he seemed ok for a bit. So I went back to bed. That morning he was running back and forth to the litter box, so I took him to the vet. They told me it was the same chronic issue we were used to dealing with, but he needed an enema. Later that day they called me and said he was a great patient and that he was doing ok and that they did his blood work and that I was doing a good job with the food and the medicine and was controlling his health issues. They wanted to keep him for the night to keep him hydrated, but they thought he should be fine to go home the next day. I was relieved. I was feeling so guilty that I did not notice his pain quick enough and had to put him through that enema again. I really felt awful! I was beating myself up about it, so I was excited to get him back home to spoil him and give him all of the kisses. However a few hours later, I was on my way home from work, and my vet call and said Nathaniel was acting strange. He was also trying to hide. She checked his heart and apparently he had a heart murmur. I don't know much about heart murmurs, but she seemed very concerned and asked if he was acting lethargic. And I said, yes. I thought it was because he was old and on medicine etc. She said they do not have people at the vets over night to monitor the animals but if I wanted, I could move him to a facility that would monitor him through the night. But if he stayed she would start some tests on his heart first thing in the morning. If not, she recommended I have the new facility do this. I decided to not do move him because A. I didn't want to stress him out more and B. I felt comfortable with this vet and her plans for the morning. (I now don't think that was a good decision) I debated on stopping by the vet that night to see him. But I talked myself out of it because it would have been a lot of rushing around and my husband mentioned that he might be "out of it" anyways. So I didn't stop by.

The next morning I got the call that he was not alive in the morning. My baby passed away at some point during the night at the vets. The amount of guilt I feel about this is inconsolable. I had him go through that enema which was uncomfortable so he was in pain his last day on earth. I didn't get to say good bye. My stupid life was too busy to stop by and visit him. My stupid life craziness was too busy to take him to the vet the week prior when he first show signs of something was wrong. And I knew he was old. I knew the day was coming but, I envisioned him in my arms or at my house or in some kind of setting where he knew he was surround by love. The fact that he passed away at the vet in a scary place saddens me. He deserved better! He at least deserved a last scratch behind the ears. Or lots of kisses and snuggles. I didn't get to give him any of those. I hope he knows that I was coming back for him and planning to love him and would never leave him at the vet's unless I had to for his well being. I hate that his last day was horrible for him. And it was all of my fault. I should have asked more questions about why he was lethargic and why he kept getting constipated. I should have pushed for more tests.

Anyways I'm torn up about this. I keep thinking I can see him in the corning of my eye. I feel him walking on my bed at night. I'm not handling this well at all. I miss him so much. He was the sweetest cat I ever met. He would know when I was sad and snuggle with me. He was so forgiving if someone didn't realize he was there and would accidentally bump him. He was the best and this hole in my heart is aching like crazy. I'm going to be grieving the loss of this special soul for a very long time.

Thank you for listening. I know this guilt isn't helping me. But I just can't get past it.

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[Lulusmom]

Hi Kerrycat,
I am very sorry for the loss of your beautiful cat, Nathanial. I really like his coloring. Did your vet have any explanation for Nathanial's passing? I know with my dog, Lulu, she was doing well after having some issues and then one night we went to bed (she slept by me) and I woke up in the morning and she had passed away. The vets believe she had a sudden fatal heart attack or a blood clot. I felt horrible and blamed myself that I had missed something but the vets told me with either the heart attack or blood clot, her passing would have been very quick and I couldn't have done anything to save her. Plus there wasn't any warning either. Talking to Lulu's vets really comforted me.

I am sure Nathanial knew you loved him and that you were getting the best care you could by leaving him at the vets.

Everyone here understands what you are going through and please know you aren't alone.

Lulusmom

[moon_beam]

Hi, KerryCat, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Nathaniel. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly can intensify the grief.

KerryCat, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experiences is guilt / remorse for this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts when we are so emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Nathaniel a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Nathaniel knows that you love him. He doesn't want you encompassed in guilt that will rob you of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Nathaniel share. He wants you to remember him with a happy heart.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Nathaniel share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Nathaniel's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Nathaniel with us, and this wonderful picture of your handsome boy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, KerryCat, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LittleGirl's...]

KerryCat, I am so sorry about the physical loss of your precious Nathaniel. There is nothing like this kind of pain,

As moon_beam said, he absolutely wants you to remember him with a happy heart!
The vet told you that you were doing a great job with his food and meds (and twice-daily meds ..NOT easy!). And you did everything humanly possible. The decision to not transport him yet another time to the other vet was completely understandable! You didn't want to add stress! He very likely passed peacefully in his sleep. And, regardless of any specifics, he knows just how much you love him and always will. And, you will be fully reunited when it is time. Until then, he's in bliss--no physical or emotional pain--and right near you. He just wants YOU to be okay.

About life getting in the way--it is unavoidable. If we didn't attend to certain things, including work, we wouldn't be able to provide care for our babies. And unfortunately we are human and do and cannot do things perfectly.

Grief brings with it enough guilt as it is. I hope, and Nathaniel hopes, that you give him the gift of forgiving yourself immediately for any perceived wrongs. You are a beyond-wonderful Mom!

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Prayers of healing and peace your way,

Kathy

[Desi]

Kerrycat - my heart goes out to you, as I have had the same feelings for over a week now since the loss of my little Quaker companion Lady Macbeth. I am also coming to grips with the questions of why didn't I know? How could I not see? Just how bad a mom was I?? There simply are no ready answers for the questions nor the pain. I know that the powers that be have plenty of birds and cats and dogs - all manner of creatures with them - so why take my precious little angel? I can only answer that she was just so unique, SO precious - as was your sweet Nathaniel - that there was a special seat awaiting them and it was simply time for them to come home. Had I known, I never would have agreed. I suppose that is why we can never be included in these decisions. Please try to be gentle with yourself. I know, we are easy to blame, but I am not sure we are to blame. Cry and remember - and come here. All these have helped me so much.... take care of yourself, give yourself a hug, and send one to Nathaniel as well. <3

[KerryCat]

Thank you All for your very kind words. You are all such wonderful souls for replying back to me. You have comforted me and helped me so much. I was really beating myself up about it. My husband tried to tell me similar things. But I think hearing this from you, really helped me a lot. I really appreciate that you took the time to help me during one of the most painful things I have gone through so far in life. Thank you so much. I hope in time, that I can offer comfort to others that are experiencing a similar kind of pain and grief.