Farewell To My Fuzzy Boys Options

[SpiritKees]

3 weeks ago I had to say goodbye to 2 of my 3 Keeshonden. Twix was 14 and Zag was 12. Both were retired dog agility champions. Our bond from years of joyful running together as partners in the ring was incredibly deep. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to free them from pain 2 days apart. It all happened so fast, it still doesn't seem real to me much of the time. My heart is broken and I feel like I am living in a haze.

One day, Zag had trouble standing. In the space of 3 days that progressed to the point where he could not move at all without help. He was in a lot of pain despite my vet increasing his pain meds (he'd had back issues for a couple years, but nothing like this). I took Zag back to my vet for an X-ray and full bloodwork. I took Twix along on the appointment because he seemed a little off to me.

I was so filled with fear for Zag that when the vet told me Twix was in even more critical condition than Zag, I was in total shock. Twix's heart was surrounded by fluid; it could hardly beat. What I was seeing in him was the result of oxygen deprivation. I took the night to take this in, and let them drain the fluid around his heart the next day. The bad news was that they were then able to see a huge mass on Twix's heart. He was already severely anemic. Twix would die soon in great pain unless I helped him. I spent a few hours with him at home: cuddles, remembering our years together, and a slow walk thru the redwoods behind my house. Then I set my wonderful Twix free.

Zag's condition continued to deteriorate even as I dealt with what was happening to Twix. Zag's X-ray showed he had Spondylosis. A bone spur was connecting 2 vertebrae. From the pain he was in, it must have been pressing on a nerve. His pain was alleviated some by acupuncture for a few hours, but otherwise the pain continued to increase. I had scheduled another acupuncture session but, time ran out on us. Zag's blood pressure was very high, his kidneys were failing and he would no longer eat. His pain was so bad he was barely aware of my presence. 2 days after losing Twix, I took Zag again to my vet. After a long talk, we agreed the kindest thing would be to free him from the pain.

And so my boys are together again, as they were for nearly all of Zag's life.

My 2 year old Keesie Wizard has been a great comfort. Cuddling with me when I cry yes, but mostly by being the sweet silly boy he is, making me laugh despite my sadness. Wizard is so dear, but not even he can fill a home by himself that was once full of 3 delightful fuzzy dogs. My focus now is to keep his life joyful as much as I can. I don't want his delightful happy nature to be marred by my heartbreak.

This isn't the first time I have traveled along this grieving journey. But it is the first time I had to say goodbye to two beloved companions at the same time. It is just too much.

[lynette]

So sorry for your loss.

I don't come here very often anymore (it opens a lot of painful wounds). I can relate to losing beloved pets so close together. I lost Lily and then 9 months later we had to say so long to Hunny. They were both 8, so not old at all. But no matter the age, losing a loved pet is terribly painful. My two precious angels have been gone now for 7 and 8 years and there is not a day goes by that I don't think about them. I miss them like it was yesterday. And I will love them for all eternity.

This is a great place to come. I spent a lot of time here, but like I said sometimes, it is just too painful to come back often. But there are some really wonderful people here who will help ease your pain - I know they did for me.

Take care.

Lynette.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi, I am SO sorry for the physical loss of your 2 sweet boys! What an unbelievable ordeal you have been, and are going, through! I just can't imagine.

You did all the right things, and even though they are not physically still with you, they are right around you, and they are free spirits, as there are no space/time limitations in that blissful realm! But I know that doesn't take away the excruciating pain. They know how much you love them and eventually you'll all be fully reunited.

I'm so thankful that your Wizard is there with you and that you are comforting each other.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you are doing.

Heartfelt sympathies,

Kathy

[SpiritKees]

Thank you for the kind words Lynette and Kathy. They do help.

Here is a photo taken the last day of June. All was well, no sign that in less than 2 months my senior fellas would be gone. From left to right: Twix, Zag and Wizard. I'm so grateful to have taken this photo of my three fuzzy boyos.

[LittleGirl's...]

WOW what an absolutely stunning, precious picture!!!!!

[LoveMyMickey]

Dear SpiritKees,

First of all I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss of Twix and Zag. That is double the heartbreak to lose two precious babies so close together. All three of them are beautiful dogs.

I just have to tell you this, last night I dreamed of my doggie, Mickey, who died of heart failure five and a half years ago. I have dreamed often of him but never got to pet him until last night. Anyway when he walked up to me two dogs that looked like Twix and Zag were right behind him. I like to believe they are telling us they are healthy and happy.

Thank you for sharing with us and come by often to let us know how you are doing.

LoveMyMickey

[moon_beam]

Hi, SpiritKees, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Twix and Zag. Losing our companions is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing more than one companion in a short period of time intensifies the grief. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

SpiritKees, even though you have traveled this grief adjustment journey before, it doesn't matter if it's our first experience of loss or our thousandth - - each grief journey is uniquely painful because the relationships we have with each of our companions is uniquely individual. I can personally relate to how you're feeling when you share with us "This isn't the first time I have traveled along this grieving journey. But it is the first time I had to say goodbye to two beloved companions at the same time. It is just too much." In November 2009 my beloved canine companion Oslo joined the angels due to a sudden stroke at 15 years of age, and in March 2010 my beloved beautiful feline baby girl Abbygayle Rayah joined the angels due to end stage Fibrocarsinoma at 6 years of age. Within 3.5 years (my beloved feline canine companion Eli joined the angels in December 2006 due to end stage Lymphoma at 6 years of age) three of my four companions transitioned from this earthly realm leaving my precious feline companion Noah and me to continue our earthly journey together. So like our other forum friends I can also very much relate to how you're feeling. Even though we may have a surviving companion still with us, they cannot "replace" the emptiness that accompanies adjusting to the physical absence of other beloved companions - - they aren't meant to. But as they try to comfort us, we also comfort them - - and together you find a "new normal" in your daily routines to cherish.

SpiritKees, we live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. When our companions come into our hearts and homes our lives are changed for the better physically and emotionally. They literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again because we are now faced with the excruciatingly painful process of re-inventing our lives that no longer includes our companion's physical presence. Scientific studies prove that every time our companions rub / touch us, lick / kiss us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally experience a physical, and emotional, withdrawal from this chemical imprint - - which is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is very painful - - both emotionally and physically.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Twix's and Zag's sweet Living Spirits are always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

SpiritKees, I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Twix and Zag with us, and the wonderful picture of them with their housemate companion Wizard. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, SpiritKees, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[SpiritKees]

I just have to tell you this, last night I dreamed of my doggie, Mickey, who died of heart failure five and a half years ago. I have dreamed often of him but never got to pet him until last night. Anyway when he walked up to me two dogs that looked like Twix and Zag were right behind him. I like to believe they are telling us they are healthy and happy.

Awwww, thank you for sharing your dream LoveMyMickey. So very touching. I wish I was able to dream of my fuzzy boys, but so far it hasn't happened. I'm glad for you that your dear Mickey comes to you in dreams.

[SpiritKees]

When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again because we are now faced with the excruciatingly painful process of re-inventing our lives that no longer includes our companion's physical presence.

Thank you for your heartfelt words of comfort, moon_beam. I've read thru them a few times; your thoughts did bring me some comfort.

The part I quoted really hits home. I told my friend K that I feel as though I have lost my identity. My life centers around my beloved dogs and also, enjoying the sport of dog agility with them. For the past decade, I have been "me, Twix and Zag" to my many friends at agility trials. Now i am not that any longer ...

Wizard does agility too, so at least I have not been cut off from my agility community. I have been dragging my feet on entering a trial ... I have never ever competed without Twix by my side. But, I have finally entered one at the end of October. Part of me is still shaking at the thought of going to it, though I know I need to do this. Not only for me but also for Wizard. He loves doing agility so so much.

[moon_beam]

Hi, SpiritKees, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. One of the many major adjustments to this grief journey is coping with all the "first withouts" - - and you and your precious Wizard going to the agility trial in October is among the list of "first withouts". Yes, it will be different, and perhaps difficult, but as you know in your heart you and your precious Wizard "need" this time together. And please know that your beloved Twix's and Zag's sweet Living Spirits will also be there with you to cheer you and their housemate Wizard. Please know I would truly like to know things go for you and your precious Wizard.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Wizard kindly, SpiritKees, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Twix's and Zag's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[SpiritKees]

It's been six weeks since I said goodbye to my dear Twix and Zag. Wizard and I have settled into new routines, and for the most part I am .... ok ... not great but ... ok. Things sometimes set me off, take me back, and grief overwhelms. Simple things, like unloading groceries from the car to the porch. Zag would always sit on the porch with a joyful expectant smile, hoping some delicious doggie treats would emerge from the bags. As I carried a bag to the porch a few days ago, I could see him sitting there, clear as anything, with his joyful smile. It was all I could do to finish putting away groceries before giving in to the tears.

Yesterday morning I felt like I had truly begun to reach some level of acceptance. Then in the afternoon a tidal wave hit me, and I cried for such a long time. I just couldn't stop. I know this happens, I warned my good friend about this when she lost her dear sweet Grace a few months ago. Still. When you are going along feeling like your grief is getting better only to be swamped by tears again ... ah, so difficult.

Well meaning friends ask about adding a new dog. I know that would be good for Wizard, and someday it will be good for me too. But not yet. My heart aches too much for my two sweet boyos who left for the light to let me attach to a new dog right now. I am not ready to begin again. Not yet.

I often describe the dogs and birds who have shared my life through the years as a chain of love, each link incredibly precious. No link replaces the others, each link extends the chain of love running through my life. In my long crying jag last night, the thought hit me that there is a chain of tears intertwining with the chain of love. I have to accept that when I add a new dear companion to my life, a new link in the chain of love ... that someday a new link will also be added to the chain of tears. Right now, I don't think I am strong enough to accept that tears are the price of the incredible love they bring to our hearts. Someday I will be. But not today.

[moon_beam]

Hi, SpiritKees, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Wizard are doing. I sooooo love your description of our relationship with our precious beloved companions as you share with us "I often describe the dogs and birds who have shared my life through the years as a chain of love, each link incredibly precious. No link replaces the others, each link extends the chain of love running through my life. In my long crying jag last night, the thought hit me that there is a chain of tears intertwining with the chain of love." One of our former correspondents described the tears we cry as precious jewels that our beloved companions who are now in heaven's perfect garden capture to form a crown of love that they will give to us when it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. I hope in some way this will bring some comfort to you as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

I can so relate to how you're feeling when you share with us "Simple things, like unloading groceries from the car to the porch. Zag would always sit on the porch with a joyful expectant smile, hoping some delicious doggie treats would emerge from the bags. As I carried a bag to the porch a few days ago, I could see him sitting there, clear as anything, with his joyful smile. It was all I could do to finish putting away groceries before giving in to the tears. Yesterday morning I felt like I had truly begun to reach some level of acceptance. Then in the afternoon a tidal wave hit me, and I cried for such a long time." Indeed, just when we think we have come through the worst part of the deep grief, "something" can happen that brings us to our knees in a wave of deepest grief as though it were the first moment in time when our beloved companion transitioned from this earthly realm. The good news is - - as you know - - that eventually the waves of deep grief become less frequent and overpowering. Some people fear that this means they are forgetting their beloved companion, but this is impossible - - for the love bond we share with each of our companions is eternal, and they each leave an indelible imprint on our hearts and lives.

Only YOU can know when / if the time will come when you are ready to consider embracing a new companion into your heart and home. And when / if this time comes, rest assured that your beloved Twix and Zag will be guiding your path to that moment in time when you will see a precious soul in need of a loving home, and you will know beyond all shadow of doubt that he / she is the RIGHT ONE for YOU.

I hope today, and every day, is treating you and your precious Wizard kindly, SpiritKees, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Twix's and Zag's, and each of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam