Two months have passesd since my precious Hani took her last breath on earth.

I had been very well aware of this two month anniversary approaching until this very morning when I was leaving for work. I kissed Bruno, my five year old Maltese boy, wished him a great day and left wondering if Bruno was getting enough exercise, because ast night when I weighed him, he weighed thirteen pounds, which is quite up there for a Maltese. About half an hour later, I realized that exactly at that moment two months ago Hani left us and made her transition, and it gave me such a strange confusing feeling. I was obviously saddened, and at the same time, amazed. I was thinking about Bruno maybe not getting enough exercise, while I would have been certain I would be so completely overwhelmed about this two month anniversary of Hani. I must confess that I was very relieved about my gradual healing from the grief and was conscious that I might be reaching the stage of acceptance, which came about six to seven weeks after Hani's passing. But, in a way, I find myself asking a question if this is too fast or if I am showing enough respect to Hani.

As I mentioned several times before, the fact that I did not physically live with Hani for the last seven years might be what made the difference. When I learned of Hani's passing on March 22, which had happened a day before in Korea, I was completely devastated and one of the toughest elements of my grief was the feeling of guilt. Through the help from many friends like you here, my family in Korea, my partner, several wonderful books, and prayers to God, the gradual healing came. And, now, here I am, feeling guilty for being this much healed.

No doubt, I am still in the middle of grieving journey, and I have to try hard to convince myself that Hani is in good place, the Heaven, as an angel, whenever I am faced with the sorrow and emptiness again and again. I love her and I miss her a lot. And, like she did many times before, she will forgive me for whatever shortcomings I have and love me always. I am sure!

Hani, I love you~~~!

Isn't it something how we search for help in so many places...including God, and then when the help comes we still second guess it. I'm guilty of the same thing. Just thank God and your loved one for the help and support and know that that is okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, or any time limits. We are all different.




Whether in the grieving process or the healing process you are not alone and have nothing to feel guilty about. Hani loved you immensely and you her. You both know it. Your love for her is still strong. Don't beat yourself up for having some relief from everything you have been through. Hani would be/is happy to know you are doing good.

I too feel guilty for the relief that I've been starting to feel since Chaos died (he passed on April 9th). I feel like I'm betraying him. Grieving is a nasty thing, it hurts no matter what. Kinda like "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." What I try to tell myself is that feeling better is our way of surviving. Otherwise, we would all die from grief, every single one of us. Understanding and believing that definitely helps.

I'm happy that you're moving along in the grief process, try not to beat yourself up for it. You and Hani are in my thoughts.

-Jenn

I really do understand what you are going through right now. Please believe me, it doesn't take one bit of love away that we shared with them when we admit we feel a bit of relief now, afterwards. We loved them so much, we didn't want to see them hurting. That love is what drove us to make the decisions & the sacrifices that we made for their sake only. The residual peace we are experiencing after all is said & done is a part of the healing process. I don't think it happens right away, it takes time. I am trying to accept this myself right now, my life seems to be slowly getting back to normal, & I feel guilty about it.


I can relate to what Jenn, Chaos's mom, said. We accept our grief, but I don't think it is supposed to consume us. Life is about love on so many levels..... I don't think our furred ones would want us to carry this burden forever. I seriously think that they are waiting for us to join them, they bear no grudges, & just wants to be reunited with them.

Tons of hugs to you & Bruno. And your sweet Hani.