Heartbroken..

I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on Luther. I had been on vacation for a couple weeks, and had just returned to work in my roll as a veterinary nurse in a small animal practice. I was looking through the notes of all the new patients, whilst my collegue gave me the run down on the medication. I approached a small cat kennel and picked up the notes on the clipboard in front of it. The words read 'Stray' '8 weeks old' 'possible amputation' I peered into the kennel and two big bright yellow eyes blinked back at me. A delicate cry escaped that tiny mouth and I was smitten. I heard my collegue coo behind me; 'Oh isnt he adorable? we're all very attached to him!' A tiny black bundle of fluff, his hind leg bandaged and splinted in such a way, his whole cast looked bigger than the rest of his body. 'We think he's going to lose that leg' My friend explained. Apparently he'd been found behind a trash can in that state, and brought in and left.

He did lose his leg, a couple of weeks later. He became a favourite around the practice. We all took turns taking him home every night. My boss, the chief vet took it upon herself to call him 'Luther'. Luther had the best personality. He was a little fighter. His spirit, and adjustment after losing his leg were inspirational. I knew the first day I laid eyes on him that I wanted to take him home with me, not just for one night, but for good. At 10 weeks old I did.

When Luther was 12 months old, I went through a bad seperation. My house got sold and I had to quit my job to move back home which was over 450miles away. I went through a depression, I stopped eatting. I dropped to 45kg. I was suffering from Anorexia. Luther would curl up on my lap put his paw to my face when I was sad, purr contently, follow me around. He was there when no one else was, He cared when no one else did. I forced myself to eat, I somehow found the strength, packed up and moved back home with my beloved Luther in tow. I look back now and I can't tell you where I would have ended up without him. He was my rock.

A couple of years later I ended up moving to a different country to be with someone. I obtained a pet passport for Luther and we both jetted off together. It was a bad mistake, the relationship was abusive and violent. I often locked myself in a room, cradling Luther in my arms, wishing us both away. I was cut off from family, with no money, only my beloved cat.

This went on for roughly 10 months, then I renewed Luther's passport and got the hell out of there.

My life took a little turn upward after that, I met a wonderful man. We got married and moved to Germany together with Luther. It was hard at first, I was isolated but I had my cat. He had his cute little ways that would keep me amused for hours. If I threw a ball, he'd go fetch it and bring it back, 3 legged and all. Sometimes he'd cry outside the bathroom door when I was gone for only a few minutes. He hated being alone, like me. He loved being held like a baby, he fell asleep every night tucked into bed next to me. He didn't see himself as a kitty, he was a human like me. We adored eachother. I always told him he was my soulmate.

Last year I stood in a doctors office whilst he proceeded to tell me I was infertile. I went home, I cuddled Luther, I cried. He listened to my incoherent blubbering. Like usual.

It was May 2009 I noticed Luther becoming withdrawn, sickly. Concerned, we went to the vet who ran a battery of tests. When we were greeted back into the consultation room he told us solemnly that it wasn't good. Luthers kidney values were so far off the chart that the machine couldn't read them. 'He's a very sick boy' The vet explained; 'He will likely live for a couple of weeks more' I could not believe what the doctor was saying. I felt the warm tears dripping down my cheeks, and I shook my head in disbelief. The vet explained that the condition was very common in older cats. I immediately became angry. Luther was only 6 years old. How dare life do this to him, how dare it do this to a cat in the prime of his life! The vet mentioned euthanasia, but I angrily shook my head. I wanted to do everything in my power to bring him back to me. I knew the condition was terminal, but I was desperate to buy us more time together.

Luther spent two nights in the vets on i/v fluids. I was beside myself with grief having him without me for 2 whole nights. On the third day I arrived at the clinic and Luther's eyes lit up when he saw me, he purred desperately through the bars. I cried as I curled my fingers around the bars sinking them against his fur. 'He's surprised us, his kidney values are better today, you can take him home with a kidney diet and see how it goes' The vet explained from behind me. I was relieved.

That night I took to the internet and researched Renal Failure until my eyes were sore and blood shot. I was concerned with the lack of medication I was given to keep Luther's illness under control. Unsurprisingly a week later Luther was admitted to hospital again. I was very angry. I demanded the vet give me the tools to treat this condition properley. In which he reluctantly did.

Luthers new treatment was fluids given in injection form from home, everyday. With my training as a nurse I knew my little man was in good hands. A month after his initial diagnosis he had another blood test. The vet was in shock that his kidney values were almost in the normal range, brought down with his medication. He was obviously not out of the woods-but a condition brought under control was the most I could hope for. I hoped for a year or two with him.

Luther soon had the strength again to jump onto my lap, he'd sleep tucked beside me again. He'd go outside and chase butterflies. My heart felt like it would burst when I saw how well he was doing. He was my happy little boy again. He was my little miracle.

20th September I mentioned to my husband what we should get Luther for christmas, because afterall it was a milestone. Every month was. He was doing so well.

21st September 2009, our wedding anniversary and Luther seemed out of sorts. The next day he was wobbly on his feet, the day after he couldn't make it to the little tray, the day after that he couldn't lift his head anymore. The vet told us he was in endstage and would die in a few days, that he didn't want to give Luther anything to help him. Recommended putting him to sleep. I refused. I nursed Luther over the weekend hoping he would prove them wrong like the time before. Though everyday instead of getting stronger, he was far weaker. His kidneys no longer worked. His liver was failing. Yesterday I watched him as he cried in my lap, bringing his little paws to my face everytime he cried in discomfort. It was then I knew, he wasn't coming back this time. The most painful decision I ever made was letting him go. I've not been someone whose ever been pro-euthanasia for personal reasons. I took him to the vets for one last time, and held him and told him how honored I was to have him in my life. I told him he was a brave boy. Thanked him for saving me. Pleaded with him to find his way back to me. Kissed his tired face as he took his last breath.

This morning I feel empty. I feel hollow and alone. The most important thing in the world was stolen from me before his time. I'm angry too. Jealous when I see other cats playing in the garden. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know how to keep going. I havent eaten in five days, I woke up this morning, still don't want to eat. How do I get through the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life without the one thing that's been there with me through everything else? He was my baby. Nothing and no one compares to him. I feel completely lost. How can something so wonderful, so rare just disappear? I loved him so. He was a part of me, a part of my coping mechanism. How do I do this without him? I'm so lost..