I Surrender!

I miss u mouses...

Tomorrow you will have been gone for 8 months. When I first joined this site I remember reading other pet memorials. As the months went on, the memorials got shorter and shorter. With tear filled eyes I could see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. There was such a difference between the first posts and the 7, 8, 9...month posts. I often use to think it was sad too, like maybe some people really did move on. I didn't want to move on, not yet anyway. Many had new pets and were enjoying life again. I had just lost you, it seemed impossible. My baby gone....FOREVER. I couldn't breathe. I did not want to live one single day without you. Death had found us, and I was so angry. I lost my best friend. I lost my happy place. How was I to face this world without you? I continued to read those posts, and hung on every word. Pages and pages of people who lost a bond as strong as ours.

When I first went to write today I was going to write a simple, "I love you Mouses." I paused at the blank screen, and remembered what I had thought of people like me at the beginning. I was now them, but I realized something. We aren't writing so little because we love or miss you all any less. We didn't forget you. From my point of view, I have decided we write less because we have been defeated. Death won. I don't quite call it acceptance. I accepted your death a long, long, time ago. I call it surrendering. Surrendering to death. I wrote before about how exhausted I am. I am exhausted Mouses. I have cried endless tears, lost too much weight, lost too much sleep, and have been trying to save you for the last 8 months. I can't save you. I can't bring you in sooner. I can't do anything. I have said, thought, and wrote every single thing there is to say. I can't change one single thing. I lost you. I really lost you. I stand alone in a big world without you. I wish you didn't have to go, but you did. I wasn't done, but somebody else decided I was. I guess that's why it hurts so much. I didn't just lose you (which alone is awful enough). I lost my closure with you. Where is our long goodbye that I assumed we would have? Why my soul kitty? Why out of all my cats, did you have to have the sudden ending?

I love you Mouses. I miss you. I have been through all the stages of grief. I am now left with just missing you. I finally learned to be happy for you. I am glad your tummy no longer hurts. I am glad you can breathe again. I am happy your legs aren't collapsing on you anymore (you looked so confused). My kitty, my baby, I wish there was another way to ease your pain, but there wasn't. When I hug Buddy it is for you sometimes, can you feel it? You have passed the baton. Your job of emotionally supporting me is now over. Did you send him to me? Did you die to save his life? You knew I would be the person to bring him back to life. He is very happy now, he is no longer hurting. I would rather have you, but he is a wonderful substitute for you. I sometimes feel like he now shares his body with your soul. He has brought back so much of what I missed about you. He sounds like you, looks like you, and now acts like you. He hounds the pantry like you. He runs around spastically like you (and hops around like a bunny). He is food and water obsessed. He wakes me up in the morning. He sits behind me while I type (he is behind me right now...exactly where you would have been). He gives me that stare, like I am supposed to read his mind. He is a chicken like you were. Like you, he flies through the house when he hears the dishes make that sound, or when a can is opened. Best of all (like you) he follows me everywhere. I miss you by my side. When you died I felt like a part of my body was missing. I had lost my shadow. Buddy has brought it back to me.

I will never be over the loss of you. I will never forget you. You are very, very close to my heart. I love you my sweetheart, always and forever. Goodbye my Mouses. I love you. I miss my old life...I really do.

8 months closer to seeing that face...

It Was Just Their Time, Right?

I keep thinking about it being their time or not. I keep thinking about all of us going through the guilt, and the "what if's." I suffer from this greatly, although I have come along way since January. Something clicked yesterday, and it made me feel like it was really just her time. Maybe it really was just their time. I keep wondering could we really go to heaven and find out we could of had a different ending? What kind of heaven would that be if I get there and ask, "what would of happened if I had left Mouses at the emergency vets to stabilize instead of taking her home to die?" Could the answer I'm dying to hear really be a negative one...such as, "Oh, I'm sorry you should have left her there she would have recovered?" "Oh, I'm sorry if you would have brought her in when she fell Monday, she would have made it." I just can't believe that is true...for any of us.

I started to think of peace. How could God bring us all peace. I can't imagine a God would add to our pain and misery. God could ease all of our pain with one simple sentence, "It was just their time." Can you imagine the peace that would bring? It is easy to comfort ourselves with that thought, but could you imagine if it was really true? God could also just say, "EVERYTHING (including how we spent time with them) went the way it was supposed to go." Such simple sentences that could erase all of our guilt, and all of our wondering. All of our questions would be hushed.

This thought has been helping me heal. I really can't imagine the horror of finding out we could have changed things. I am trying really hard to just believe it is just their time. We all share a common thread. God could really ease all of our pain so easily. No more wondering, "if only." If only I didn't feed him/her that...if only I took him/her in sooner...if only we hadn't went on vacation...if only we hadn't gone on that walk....if only I gave him/her their medicine better...if only I played with him/her more...if only I didn't let him/her out that morning...if only I brought him/her to the vet more often (we could have caught this sooner). All of that would be gone. God simply says, "IT WAS JUST THEIR TIME...EVERYTHING WENT THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO." A simple way to ease the pain of millions (for all losses/tragedies).

I see a lot of us second guess our actions. Maybe we don't have as much control as we think. For me part of it did feel like I was on autopilot. The inside part of me was struggling to bring Mouses back to the ER. The outside part of me just kept going with the flow...every pain staking minute. Sometimes I really do feel like it was out of our hands. It was just happening, and we sadly just had to sit back and watch it happen.

I will try to believe it was just her time...it is a very peaceful feeling. Then your just left with love, memories, and missing them until we see them again. I would take that over the hell I am putting myself through anyday. Some of us torture ourselves way too much. We were/are good pet owners. We love our babies with all of our hearts. We would have done anything to have saved them, but it was out of our hands. They couldn't live forever...we always knew this. We always knew we would spend a way bigger chunk of our lives without them than with them. To heal we have to accept it was just their time, whether we like it or not.

Anger

I have been awesome lately. I have a lifetime to grieve the loss of my kitty, so I put it on hold for a couple of weeks (2 weeks is really long in mourning-land). I was only able to think of her if it made me smile. I put the medical what if's to the side...and felt somewhat normal for the first time.

Today I woke up angry...I haven't really explored this side of grief, but today I'am. Maybe I had a bad dream, I don't know. Anyway...I was thinking about "the day." I was remembering what the vet at the ER was like. She was very calm and comforting, but not all that helpful. She explained to me that day that most people come to them and think it is like the ER vets on animal planet, thinking their pet will be saved. She said the sad fact is, when pets are at the ER it is usually their time to go (being that animals hide their pain for too long).

I guess I am angry today, because I was thinking of all the losses on these types of sites, and now feel like vets suck!! Can they save anyone? We bring in our pets...they are STILL HERE. We hand over our precious babies, begging them to fix whatever is wrong. We just want to go home with our pet. Why can't they do better? I keep picturing us all at the vets putting all of our hope and faith into these doctors. Why couldn't they just do it? I can't believe my vet told me Mouses would just sit in there for a week, cost me a ton of money, and then leave me anyway. Honest I guess...I was looking for hope...all I wanted was a chance at trying to save my cat. Instead they made me feel guilty when I talked about leaving her there to try and stabilize her for surgery. I know Mouses wouldn't have made it, but I wish she would of died with us trying. I feel like I just accepted it was to late, and didn't even try. I owed her that much!!

Anyone else angry at the vets? Do you think they do all they can? Some cases seem so simple, why can't they do better? The worst part is...I went back to Mouses regular vet days after, and he told me the ER vets mostly see death, so they have no hope left. They deal with statistics, and have zero hope left. I wish I left my cat with the hopeful doctor.

Just venting...hating the mourning process today. You can cry, scream, think and think, freak out, but nothing changes anything. We are missing what made us feel better. They were the ones who helped us get through stuff like this. It is such a horrible feeling. You cry, scream, and process until you go numb. It gets you nowhere...it is driving me mad!! I just keep walking around in a daze...she was just here. I feel like it is the day after...when all you keep feeling is THEY WERE JUST HERE. I was just petting her...just looking at her...she was right there on our pillow. I hate death today! One giant step backwards today. Just realized it's Friday...makes more sense now. Friday was the day my nightmare started. Weekends are painful. She re-dies EVERY sunday.

New Name Suggestions?

Hi,

I finally did it. I kept thinking about it too much, so one day I just did it...I adopted my new cat. I adopted a 4 1/2 year old abused cat. He was trembling, and hiding...I couldn't resist him any longer. I figured he would help take my mind off my Mouses (or help me remember her in a good way). He is a brown tabby like Mouses. I figured if I can't have my Mouses back, I want to at least get to look at something that looks like her again. He is a strange comfort. He looks so much like her, but with a male face. From the side they look very alike. It is so nice to see that tail again (even if it is not Mouses). I got a little lucky, he acts a lot like her too. He is very talkative, water and food obsessed, and likes to wake me up in the morning...all a strange comfort. I cry and smile about all of their similarities.

Anyway....I have had him for two weeks and he still doesn't have a name. I mostly call him Buddy, Meowy, and Ditto. I was looking for cute names that go with the clone idea? Example: CC for carbon copy, kinko, ditto, etc. Thanks for the help. Chris

P.S. In two short weeks he is doing so much better. At first he hid a lot (under the bed, in his litter box). When we would go to pet him he would shrink down like we were going to hit him. He is very shy, very nervous, and very jumpy. He is starting to trust us, and is starting to really bond with me. He is such a sweet and good boy. He has his own room, and is now starting to explore the house. I think he is going to be OK. Poor thing...I wonder what he went through??

Visiting Shelters

I miss my cat so much. Didn't think I would ever, ever be ready this soon, but I am starting to think of getting a new cat. I miss Mouses, I miss all of her kitty things. I can't have her back...she is what I want, but I miss having a cat so much. I went to the shelter to see how I would feel. Very mixed feelings. Part of me felt like, "yes, this is what I am missing." The other part of me kept thinking, "your not my Mouses...and you'll never be."
However...the animal lover in me needs to save one now. It was so nice to see cats again. In a strange way it felt like I was seeing my Mouses again. This shelter had over 300 cats. Many in cages...row after row. This shelter also had 5 open rooms too, with about 10 cats in each free roaming room. It was such a great day. I stayed there for 2 hours. It was very emotional in many ways. I have an open heart, I have an open home...how can I just walk away??
I did not choose one yet. I will keep visiting for awhile. I love Mouses, but I also miss the cat in Mouses. I hate sleeping without a cat. I miss feeding, and brushing a cat. I even miss cleaning the litter box. I miss fur everywhere. I still can't believe how fast Mouses' hair disappeared after she went to heaven. Some part of me thought her fur would still be around.
I cried all the way home. I kept thinking..."how do I pick one...I had the best one?" I went home and looked at her pictures. She is the best cat ever. I want her...I don't want a new cat. I want my old life back. I loved my life with Mouses. UGH!!
For all of you that opened your heart again, did it help? Was it nice to just have a cat or dog again? Did you pick one to match your lost loved one...or go in the opposite direction? I tried both ways, not sure what feels more comforting. No one can match her inside, so I might just pick one that looks like her. Not sure?? Any advice? All I know is saving one would feel really nice. Those poor kitties.
Thanks, Mouses' mommy