Keeps Losing Her Over And Over

Back in early May I found this place as an outlet of my grief over losing my horse, MayLady. I want to thank everyone who posted to my story, it really did help. But now I have another problem. I ride at a lesson barn, where my instructor owns about 40 horses. I have known most of these horses since i started riding at age 5, 12 years ago. Starting with my beloved MayLady 2 months ago, we have lost 6 more horses to what can be chalked up to be old age. There are at least 3-4 more that probably won't make it through the summer. The graveyard at the barn is not very large, so all the horses are basically buried in the same place. The thing is, everytime another horse dies, I feel as if I am losing MayLady all over again. To make matters worse, an azalea bush that was given to me when she died has eaten by bugs and died. I almost feel as if I am being punished for something. I am to the point that I don't have to hold back tears when i talk about her death, but it is still so hard. I just miss her so much.

My Beloved Horse

On Tuesday I got the worst news I have ever had to endure. My beloved horse MayLady had been put down. While I had been expecting it, it was still so hard to bear. I need to tell my story, but since I can't without sobbing, its easier to type.

I have been riding since I was 6. I'm 17 now, and getting ready for college. Through those years, I have never owned a horse. I lesson and exercise, and have leased several. My first was Bogie, who taught me quite a bit. But when he grew so old he couldn't be ridden, he was retired to the farm of someome who rode at my barn. They had kept him over several winters, so everyone thought that it would be fine. It wasn't. They starved him to death, and no one even knew. They brought him back to the barn one day because he was dying, he was so weak he couldn't stand up. He had fallen in the trailer on the way over and couldn't get out. He weighted only 400 pounds (his normal weight was about 900). He had to be euthanized right in the trailer. I didn't get to say goodbye ( I was out of the country and no one contacted me). I have felt guilty ever since, thinking there was more I could have done. Shortly after this happening I started leasing MayLady. She was 19 at the time. She had helped so many before me, but even still everyone thought I had a special connection to her. We could do anything together. In case you didn't know, 20 is usually the age when horses become semi-retired, but not her. We were still doing 2'9-3' jumps together. This was 5 years ago. She and i had 3 wonderful years of health together, her never being off a single day. She did have arthritis, but it never slowed her down. but one day 2 years ago she hurt herself while in her field. When I went to the barn after school, she was lame and couldn't be ridden. My intructor called the vet, and he did x-rays. She had torn a whole in her check tendon, in her front right leg. He said she needed 4 months on pasture rest, and after that we could slowly work her back into health, but she would never do the big jumps again. And so began her "vacation". In this time, I started leasing another horse. After her 4 months were up, she was still lame. It seems her arthritis had gotten much worse without working everyday. It basically came down to "we will give her hock injections and if that doesn't work, then nothing will". They didn't work. The day after the injections I got one last ride on her, just walking and trotting around the ring for about 20 minutes. I won't ever forget that ride. When the injections didn't help in the long run, her owner (not the owner of the barn, MayLady was boarded there) decided to put her down. The vet was supposed to come on a Tuesday, but something went wrong and he couldn't come. My instructor "conviently" neglected to reschedule the appointment, or even tell Mrs. Zocco, the owner. Also, no one wanted to tell me. They all knew how upset I would be, and the instructor daughter Yvonne told no one to tell me. She is a bitch. But one of my firends took me aside and told me. And so began my mission of finding her a home. I asked everyone I knew if they had somewhere to keep a very sweet horse who could give the very little kids pony rides around a yard. I finally found a place through my grandmother, it was a 10 acre farm about 10 minutes from my house, with one gelding living there. The man that owned him took care of the farm, but no one lived there. I told my instructor about it, and she called Mrs. Zocco to go look at it. She met us at our house and we took her to see it. It was a beautiful place, my MayLady would have loved it so much. But this woman found some unnamed fault in it, and refused to allow ML to be moved there. It would have been a totally free retirement home. But instead, MayLady just kinda became a ward of the barn. Mrs. Zocco couldn't "afford" to keep her there is she couldn't ride her, even though her husband is one of the top heart surgeons in Richmond and they live in a mansion in the nicest subdivision in Chesterfield. But I digress. So MayLady just lived at the barn, in a field with whoever needed a pasture buddy and lived the good life. I went and talked to her everytime I could, and I still told her all my secrets. She was such a good listener. But latey, I noticed she was getting older faster, and so I told her about 2 months ago that I loved her very much and I would understand if her time came and I wasn't there. So after that i always hugged her goodbye one extra time just in case it was my last goodbye. Two weeks ago I was at the barn riding my new horse, who I will own, and MayLady was hanging around as usual. I rode and i decided I would give her a nice graze since all the firlds are being rested. But when i got back from my ride she was getting ready to be to the ring (where she would spend the night with her best firend Miranda). I will never forgive myself for this as long as I live, but I diecided i was too tired to graze her then take them both out, so I let the girl working turn them out without me grazing her. I only saw her one time after that, she was in a stall next to my horse and I told her hello. But last week i was sick on Monday and Tuesday, and I was supposed to go to the barn because i have my new horse on trial. But I missed school and so i couldn'tgo out. Tuesday night I was online, and i read my friend's away message which basically said R.I.P. MayLady. I asked her is she had been put down and she told me that she was hurting a lot, and couldn't waslk anymor, so they made the decision.Basically, no one called me to tell me was was being put down and I didn;t get to go say my last goodbye. I thanked her for telling me and then I just let out a sob that my mom said sounded like my best friend had just been killed and I was totally responsible, which is exactly how I feel. i have a very difficult time crying but I did my fair share that night. I haven;t been able to since until today, and there is really no one I can talk to. None of my shool friends understand how upset I am, and I don't want to talk to my parents about it. i havent been out the the barn all week, i am so mad no one told me and I know I couldn't face it out there. In order to get to the ring you have to pass the cemetary, and I'm scared of how I will react when I see that bare patch of dirt where my beloved girl is. But I have to go tomorrow, because i know my instructor already is really mad at me. I feel so childish for not going out there and not hadnling it better, I mean i knew her time was ending, and another girl at my barn lost her horse last year in a freak accident and didn't have to take a week off from riding. But I miss her so much I feel as if my heart is breaking.
Thank you for letting me talk here, where I can cry freely as I type. I needed this.

*If the picture works, that is me and MayLday right after I started leasing her*