I lost my furbaby Sissy almost 9 months ago and i still cannot shake the guilt over what happened.

It started last October when i noticed some clouding in Sissy's left eye. I ment to take her to the vet to have it checked out as she was only a 3 year old cat. Within a week i was struck by a serious illness that left me hospitalized and with numerous neurological complications. I had damage to my short term memory and i kept forgetting to take Sissy to the vet and my caretakers were too preoccupied with me to pay much attention to my little girl. I can't remember what happened, i don't know how long she had been deteriorating or even if i noticed. By December the worst happened, I picked up my Sissy and noticed she was light as a feather and her eye had went blind and the right was nearly blind with a thick brown film. I panicked and refused to put her down all night for fear i would forget she was so ill, but i knew she was dying. I was still too ill to even drive her to an emergency vet. All I could do was hold her and apologize for failing her until a nurse arrived in the morning. Well I did manage to get my boyfriend up and he took me that morning to the vet. The news was bad, she had feline leukemia and that is what had caused the blindness. I made the choice to euthanize Sissy then, I knew she was dying and i had already caused her to suffer this long. Plus i was afraid I would forget again and she would die alone and forgotten. It gets worse from here but thats another agony I'll spare everyone here. I wish this ended here but sadly it does not.

See the previous winter i had taken in a stray kitten i had found in a parking lot. The kitten ran away over the spring only to reappear at my barn following Sissy's death. I work with a local volunteer for the humane society to manage the feral cat colony in the barn. Living in the country people tend to dump unwanted cats at your door all the time, i get about 1 a month dumped at the barn. We trap and sterilize the ferals so no new kittens are born. The runaway was trapped and neutered nothing too special about it. In the mean time i had my surviving cat Lacey tested and she was thankfully negative, i also took in another unwanted cat. Not long afterwards Vinny the runaway was becoming ill- he too had "the leuk" and this is where it gets bad. When he was sterilized the vet who donates services to help manage this colony tested him for the felv and he was positive and the vet let us release him knowing he was infected. The vet never once informed us that this cat was positive and as it turns out this was nothing new.

I got the farm after my illness, previous to that i was a horse boarder here. The lady that runs the colony management here had other cats that were released felv positive of which each one she found out about after the fact. Vinny was presumed to be born from the last known positive female and i was never told. I do not blame the volunteer as alot of this came to light after Sissy died and she herself was unaware of what this vet did until Vinny came back positive AFTER he had already been seen, tested and sterilized and released. I took this cat in and infected my Sissy and killed her. Vinny is now dying and does not understand why i will not take him in and comfort him in his last few months. The whole colony can now never be adopted and any new cat in is geting a death sentence. I could just have him put down but he ran loose among the ferals and the local outdoor cats for over year while infected. I would have to kill the whole colony and even then its no guarantee that i wont miss a carrier.

I'm angry this vet lies about doing routine felv testing. he wont tell you he does the tests and waits for you to bring the animal in already sick to tell you the results he got perhaps months ago.

I'm angry that this vet donates services to a humane society then demands $35 per cat to release results hes already obtained, on cats he knows are ferals.

I'm angry that because of this lack of ethics i inadvertantly killed my pet and put my other in grave danger.

I'm angry that a whole colony is at risk, and countless other peoples pets. (theres a subdivision behind my soybean field)

and I'm riddled with guilt over the whole incident. I forgot my baby and i killed her. I let Vinny put at risk a whole neighborhood of pets and i know what i do about this vet and theres nothing i can do to stop him from allowing this to happen elsewhere. I cant prove Vinny infected Sissy for all i know Sissy was born with it and infected Vinny but either way i helped it spread, even if by accident and with the best of intentions. I have to face Vinny everyday, everyday is a reminder of how i failed and what i have done. I'm also angry for paying penance for a crime i didnt commit. none of this would have happened if the vet had released the test results he already had- as he was the vet who spayed my two girls and neutered vinny. So either he let me take home an infected cat and a noninfected cat or he let Vinnys mother go home infected to spread it to her kittens and barn mates and let Vinny go back infected to finish spreading what his mother had started.

I still know ultimately that i am to blame, i asked about the felv test and assumed when he said he tested that he would tell me if the result was positive- i should have asked more specifically. i also had no right to let Sissy suffer like i did. I know i couldnt have saved her life but i should have thought of something to stop her suffering sooner. I feel shame whenever my surviving cat comes to cuddle, somedays the shame of what has happened makes petting her unbearable.

I dont expect to be forgiven for what i did, but i need help to move on past it. im now questioning my past judgement calls with other pets and my current ones.

HI Angeliclayer, I too have felt a lot of guilt, when I had my soulmate cat euthanized I was exhausted, demoralized and thought I was very sick too but I got over that so I wasn't as sick as I felt at the time. I feel I could have given my soulmate a chance, even if his chances weren't too good, I still don't know if I would have done better or not by deciding otherwise. In an imaginary conversation with my soulmate he has told me that yes, he would have liked to live longer but that there is no way that he could tell if this would have been a choice we would have regretted or not. The only thing I know is that our animals do forgive us because what we do isn't deliberate it it just that way. Ask yourself if roles had been reversed would you forgive your baby? OF COURSE you will say, well, your baby forgives you too. Take care and be gentle with yourself, you did your best and as they say, hindsight is 20/20....

Hi Angeliclayer,

You're in my thoughts tonight. I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing.

Sissy totally understands that your intentions were NOT bad. you were dealing with some medical stuff of your own.

Remember that guilt always goes along with grief. Even if you do not deserve guilt.

You are wonderful, and Sissy and Vinny and all the others know that.

You are not to blame for ANYTHING. All you have to give is love and selflessness and caring. Sissy knows that more than anyone. I truly believe she forgives you for waiting as long as you did. Imagine if those roles had been reversed. ....I think you know the answer.

My heart goes out to you. YOu are doing SO much to help, and yet you're not superhuman (none of us are ) and you can't prevent or cure all those horrible things that are happening.

The vet is definitely to blame. It's true, I believe, that greed is the root of all evil.

Please forgive yourself for any perceived wrongdoing. Sissy has, and she's the authority. Know that she's in bliss now, and you'll be reunited when it's your time.

Sometimes life seems completely unbearable, and I know this is one of those times for you. Sometimes I just can't handle knowing about all the cruelty/suffering that is taking place... I just can't stand it. It's those times that I'm thankful for being a part of a group such as this, so we can help lighten each other's burdens. It's too much alone.

I'm glad you came here. Please keep in touch. Again, I'm SO sorry for your loss and for the cir%%stances you are facing!

Hugs and prayers for peace,
Love,
Kathy

thank you both so much for your understanding, its just so hard to move past it as i still have to face the consequences of those actions everyday. winter is coming and i doubt Vinny will survive it, i will most likely take him once the weather breaks to be euthanized. it will all depend on how rapidly he deteriorates. so far he is still eating and can run about and play. he has days though where he comes to the house and cries for comfort from his pain- and i can do nothing for him. the best i can do for him is to sit outside with him and stroke him. i feed him a special wet diet to help keep his weight up. i just cant bring myself to end his last summer on earth too early. he still has a quality of life- sad as it is. i will let him enjoy this and spare him the agony of the cold and sickness this winter. i just wish there was more i could do but i cannot put my other 2 felv negative cats at risk by bringing him in again. i guess these small comforts will have to do, no matter how much they shame and hurt me. i respect his right and desire to live whats left of his short life. at least i know he was loved and cared for and will not die alone in the cold.

this is Vinny on christmas morning...

AngelicLayer, gosh what a sorry, sad path you've been walking this past year. I think most anybody in your position would be feeling the same things you are -- it's such a normal human response to feel guilt when there's a "coulda, shoulda" situation like this. In part, because the only other option is to recognize how helpless you were -- getting sick, not knowing what Sissy was being exposed to, a vet making an irresponsible decision you shouldn't have been expected to predict. (It occurs to me, does your local paper have letters to the editor? This might be an appropriate way to express your concerns about his behavior, since as a professional, he is expected to hold the public trust. Just a thought.)

Your love for Vinny is so clear, and shines through in the way you're caring for him. Whenever you feel guilty for not letting him in, remind yourself how badly his little soul would feel if he found he'd hurt your indoor babies. He understands.

I'd encourage you to find ANOTHER vet and have your indoor babies vaccinated against feline leukemia. It's a two-shot series to start, with yearly boosters. It would take some time for them to gain full immunity (ask your vet), so I doubt it would be in time to give Vinny an indoor autumn, but it will protect your kids down the line depending on what happens with the colony.

And one last thing... There is no blame for you here. There is nothing to forgive. You coped as best you could in the face of trying cir%%stances, and your actions come from love. ~Kimberly

i have vaccinated both my girls from felv, but both sissy and lacey were vaccinated to being with when i brought vinny in. vaccines are never 100% and i know this, i guess i just didnt think it would happen to me and not while i was so ill. we lost that last precious time together, we were both so ailing we didnt see much of each other- or at least that i can remember. i have kept the girls up and i removed the bottom portion of my screen door and replaced it with glass so no nosy kittys spread it. i did though give them a cat porch. its enclosed up to about 4.5 feet and the top had window sills and safety glass with screens so they can feel like they are outside and can bird watch in comfort. the top is all windows and cat plants, i have to outside with the bugs they have their own kitty couches by the windows lol. i also do not use that vet personally for my cats but so far the other 2 people who manage the colony will not agree to change vets. being the land owner i could refuse them access to the cats and try to do it all myself- but the cats would suffer. as much as i hate it this is better than nothing. i have tried to report him but long story short nobody i have reported this too feels the vet did anything wrong- they feel he is completely within his rights to withhold the test results. since i did that if i tried to write a letter ot the editor or alerted the media i fear he will retaliate by pressing slander or libel charges against me or worse yet leave the cats with no medical care at all. ugh all i want ot spay/neuter these ferals so no more unwanted kittens are born, and i would like to not be harboring a hotbed of infection, i guess i cant have both. what i may do though is alert the neighborhood to the potential risk their pets have been put in and if enough people come forward with positive pets perhaps we could sue him. i would release the vets name just gather the records on the ones i know were infected and released and anybody elses indoor/outddor pet that may have contracted felv at those times. i dont know if we would win but it certainlly wont be good for his malpractice. before i can do that i need a replacement vet for the colony. anybody every tackled anything like this before?

I'm sorry I hadn't been reading the rest of your thread here in the last couple of days, otherwise I would have written here sooner.

I'd like to mention that my local shelter friend had an outbreak of distemper earlier this year (from yet more kittens being dumped) and yet only 2 of her own cats died (out of about 20) and one of the kittens was left with 'the shakes' (nerve damage), while the other one is fine. Some diseases, as feared as they are, are not always a death sentence for every one.

And as I always do, I'd still suggest finding a distance homeopathic vet, as this disease, too, is NOT always fatal as so many claim it is. (but everyone will believe what they WANT to believe..... sigh.....) You could take a look at the info. I provided under various threads here about vaccination. I'm sure I had links to sources of homeo. vets across the country. Our own vet, Dr. Hamilton, has a few lengthy discussions about feline leuk. in his book and I've also read of other holistic and homeopathic docs who've managed this disease quite successfully in some cats, giving them many more years of quality life. In the meantime, Vinny could benefit from as much immune system support as you can provide (Transfer Factor Advanced comes to mind, as only one option) and a warm, insulated space outdoors for him to cozy up in if you feel you can't bring him inside. (Dr. Hamilton, I believe, might not be so sure this is necessary at all, but he'd be the one to have to explain the whole concept and reasoning)

Vinny looks so similar to my own sweet Nissa-girl (crossed), and my heart just breaks for him, just as surely as yours does. But I'd say there's still some hope if you can get him the right kind of care, and I hope you can.