Today I got hit by another 'wave.' It came about as a result of a neighbor I hadn't seen in awhile asking "Where's your other dog?" when I was out walking Belle (my Sheltie) this afternoon, and the realization that tomorrow it will be four weeks since Charlie died. It feels like sooo much longer and yet it's only been four weeks. How is that even possible?

I still don't know why Charlie died. I've gone round and round with various theories, but I can't help coming back to the idea that something I did or didn't do may have been responsible. I loved that little dog so much! I would have done anything to save him, but I couldn't and he was still so young. Only 9 years old. Not quite 9, really, as he was a week and a day shy of his 9th birthday. I'm all of a sudden second-guessing my decision to get another Westie. How could any other dog ever be what Charlie was to me? He was the best little dog in the world and it still seems so wretchedly unfair that he was taken so soon!

Part of the problem, I know, is that I've recently started some new medication for my heart condition. The same heart condition, in fact, that Charlie helped diagnose 7 years ago. I probably wouldn't even be here right now if not for that little guy! The side-effects of the new meds include terrible headaches which, combined with the aforementioned, have left me in a very blue mood.

I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. There's probably nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I just needed to write it all down and get it out of my system. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.


Barbara

Vent away, Barbara--that's one of the reasons we're here. I done it myself a couple of times too!

Your grief is still so new and fresh, I'm not surprised it's still coming in waves. Four weeks is nothing, compared to nine years with Charlie. Some people say that it takes about the same length of time in months as the person or animal was in age to "get over" a death. I don't know how accurate that is, but I do know that a month is NOTHING in the overall scheme of the grieving process.

Please be gentler on yourself. Nothing you did or didn't do could likely have saved Charlie. It was, for some reason, his time. I hate to see people here wracking themselves with guilt--it's so unnecessary and so painful and causes so much harm. I'm sure that not knowing WHY he died is very stressful--but trying to second-guess it is too! He moved on, let yourself feel the pain of that, but DON'T blame yourself. You loved each other, that's what matters.

It may be way too soon for you to know if you're ready for another Westie. Give yourself plenty of time to make that decision.

My heart really goes out to you--a lot of people would think that we "should" be over the death of a pet in a month, but that's ridiculous. You're still feeling his absence very keenly, and probably will for some time to come.

I'm sorry you're feeling badly from the medications, too. Those are some heavy meds, the heart meds. I hope you begin to get more used to them and stop having blinding headaches.

Love yourself, first of all, and cut yourself some slack here. Charlie's death was NOT your fault!

Big big hugs--Margi and Ladywolf

Thanks, Margi. I'm just having a tough time today for some reason. We've had beautiful spring weather and I couldn't help thinking how much Charlie would have admired such a day. There's a little spot in the back yard under an ash tree where he loved to lie in the grass and breathe in all the scents around him. I was looking out there this afternoon and felt so empty when I saw the place he would surely have been if he'd been here. I've never known another dog who could read my thoughts and feelings the way Charlie could. I love Belle, truly I do, but Charlie raised her to be as independent as he was himself and I've really never been as close to her as I was to my little guy. Part of the problem is that Belle is still suffering too. She's terribly lonely, I know that much. She gets so excited whenever she sees another dog and she never used to be that way. In fact, she was always a little stand-offish with other dogs - other than Charlie that is - and now the only time she seems happy is when she spots one of her own 'kind.' I feel guilty just looking at her and I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help it sometimes. I just wish I could go back in time, say a year or so ago, and catch this problem with Charlie's kidneys in time to do something about it. I know that's impossible, but it's further proof that my state of mind is not exactly rational just now. I'll try to do as you say and be gentler with myself, but darn it all, it's just so unfair! I want my Charlie back. I want him back so much and I know I can't have him. Life stinks sometimes, you know?

Barbara

I'm so sorry Barbara... You have a broken heart on top of an already weak heart. I know what it's like to feel grief that is exacerbated by hormones, or medication and it is so unfair. Please be kind to yourself. You won't suffer like this forever, I promise you.

From one broken heart to another,
angie

I know exactly how you feel.
It's been 5 weeks today that Opie died. The pain is as bad now as it ever was. I like you, was left with one other pet. Like you, the pet that past away was my "favorite". What I have been trying to do is give the pet that is still with me extra attention. I feel I owe it to her since she always seemed to come in second to Opie. I know it sounds awful to favorite one over the other, but he was such a shining star! He had such an amazing personality and he loved me SOOOO much! The emptiness is unbelievable. Such a void now. But like I said, I try to focus my attention on Lily and give her all the love in the world. You may find that your other dog will become closer to you than ever before. Give it time.
I am also driving myself nuts with guilt, thinking maybe I should have done more. It really sucks doesn't it?
I'm on heart pills, beta blockers. They say beta blockers can make you depressed. Well, I am completely depressed! I think I will go to the doctor and see about getting the dose lowered.
Take care (((hugs)))

Barbara, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. I know what you mean about feeling like it was forever ago and yesterday at the same time. I feel that way about Niles who passed away 3 weeks ago today. Margi said it beautifully, you're not responsible for Charlie's death. Whether our furbabies are 3 years old or 19, it's always too soon and we're never ready. We always feel like we could have gotten more time for them if only we'd.....
I've tried repeatedly to beat myself up about Frasier and Niles and I know there were things I should've done differently. That guilt is so suffocating - it feels like my mouth fills with cotton and I can't breathe. But I try, when I feel it coming on, to tell myself very sternly that, "Donna, you can go there and devote all that physical exertion needed to be there but in the end, it won't bring them back!" I don't know, I wish that you could find a way to be kinder to yourself because I know you've struggled with this since Charlie's death.
And Margi's right about taking time to "get over" his death. I kept saying to my husband that I wasn't making any progress after Frasier died and he kept saying back to me that you just don't get over 15 years in a couple of weeks. Frasier and Niles were big parts of my life for a long time, that doesn't go away in 2,3,8,42 weeks. It takes a long time to transition into your "new" life especially when this "new" life isn't what you wanted. And no, no dog WILL ever be what Charlie was to you and that's ok. Forgive yourself for that. Other dogs don't have to be because they will bring their own new stories for your life if you decide to go that route.
Anyway, I hope today will be a better day for you.
-Donna

Thanks so much, everyone. I am feeling better today. Isn't it funny how you wake up some mornings feeling okay and other days it all comes back, often for no particular reason.

I got a call from the Westie Rescue coordinator this morning. It seems we will be getting another little fosterling, possibly as soon as next week. That will be good for Belle who seems so lost sometimes, and probably will be good for me too. This one is two years old, but much calmer than our last little foster dog who was three but had been kept in a crate most of his life. Poor little guy was so happy to be free that he was completely wild the first couple of days we had him, but he calmed down a lot in a very short time and if he hadn't been adopted so quickly I might have been tempted to keep him. He really was a sweet dog, but nobody had taken the time to discover it before. At any rate, it eases my grief to help other Westies and it's entirely to Charlie's credit. I feel like I'm honoring his memory by doing so and it goes a long way toward healing the broken places inside me.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, from Ernest Hemingway's Farewell to Arms: "The world breaks everyone and afterward some are strong at the broken places." I guess that's what I'm learning to be - strong at the broken places. Not a bad metaphor for life, really.

Barbara

Hi Barbara
I am so sorry for your loss of Charlie. Thank you for your post on my forum I am trying very hard to convince myself to get another puppy. We have had dogs for over 22 years and to loose 2 in less then 3 months and both at age 7 has just been so devastating. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel sorry for Belle because she seems so lost, when my Max died in Dec our Dozer was so sad that it hurt to see him. I now wonder if that contributed to his death less then 3 months later. He was so healthy and wasnt sick he just died very sudden overnight. The night before he died he went out and laid by Max's dog house and would not get up or come in my husband had to make him. He had never not come when my husband called him, and the next morning my husband found him on the bathroom floor. It was like he went outside and laid by Max's dog house to say I am coming to be with you. It just brakes my heart to think that he may have missed him that much. I have been having such a hard time but I have no choice but to keep going. I know I cant replace them and I feel quilty even looking for another dog specially since its only been 4 months for my Max, and just 5 weeks for Dozer but I cant take the emptiness in my heart and my home. Then I am afraid that if I get another one I will always try to compare and I know there will never be another Max or Dozer. I am afraid it will make me think of them even more if that is even possible. Now that you mention fostering I really never gave that a thought it would help one that is in need of love, I might give that some consideration. I am just so afraid that I will feel more guilt like I am replacing them and so soon. Your Charlie would be very proud that you are honoring him in helping other westies. Please try to hang in there and take one day at a time thats all we can do. I will be thinking of you and your Charlie and Belle.

Hugs
Anna

I could have written your this post myself today, as this morning it all feels very fresh again. It's getting on for a month and a half since Foxy died, in some ways it feels longer, but in others it feels like she's still here. This is the first time in my life that I'm without a dog, but I don't another, not yet at least. I want Foxy back, and knowing that she's gones makes me so sad. It's hard isn't it?

Irene x