After a relatively good day yesterday, I woke this morning feeling angry and frustrated. To explain, my Charlie supposedly died from complications of kidney failure at a relatively young age, just a week and a day shy of his 9th birthday. This occurred last Friday (March 12), but when I first took him to the vet on Feb. 9 he really didn't seem that ill. He was a little off his food and seemed a bit lethargic, but it really didn't appear all that serious. Anyway, the vet took some blood and called back the next day to inform me that Charlie's BUN/creatinine was elevated and I should hospitalize him for a couple of days to rehydrate him and attempt to 'restart' his kidneys. After two days he was released and seemed so much better, he was eating, had loads of energy, etc. Then, within days, he started getting weak again, so I rushed him back to the vet's and they hospitalized him for another 3 days. When I picked him up that time, however, he was in very poor shape, refusing to eat, losing weight, extremely weak, et al. Over the next couple of weeks I must have run him back to the vet half a dozen times and finally got so frustrated that I made an appointment to see a specialist the morning of March 12. The specialist did a lot of tests and basically concluded that Charlie's kidneys were badly atrophied, had probably been failing for some time, and he likely had no more than weeks to live. Still reelinig from the shock of such news, I took Charlie home and within a couple of hours he had a seizure, which the specialist later said was probably a massive stroke, and died.

What still doesn't make sense, however, is why a relatively young dog became so ill so quickly and died of an illness which usually takes months to years to reach end stage. His BUN from Feb. 9 was over 100 (normal is around 25), but his creatinine was barely over 2 (normal is 2 or less). After that first rehydration/hospitalizaztion, his BUN was down to 48 and his creatinine, though still not normal, had also dropped a bit And yet, in spite of daily subcutaneous fluid administration at home, in spite of constant care and dozens of phone calls and visits with vets, in spite of $4,000 in veterinary bills, the poor little guy is gone. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I want to find out what happened. Even though it can't bring my darling boy back (Oh, if only it could!) I never, never, NEVER want to go through anythinig like this again and after forking out that much cash, I think I'm entitled to a few answers. I phoned both the specialist and my regular vet this morning and though neither is in today, I left messages for both to call me back.

So here's my question: am I tilting at windmills? Am I merely prolonging the agony with all this probing? I'm quite sure I'll never get either my own vet or the specialist to admit to any errors (doctors, you know - human or veterinary, they're alike when it comes to accepting blame) but I nevertheless feel compelled to pursue it. I understand all the stages of grief. I've been through the denial (I couldn't accept that Charlie might die until the very day he did) and am probably in the midst of anger and/or bargaining, but I still feel like I really need to know how and why my baby died. Have any of you been through anything like this, and if so, how did you deal with it?

Barbara

Barbara, I think what you're going through is normal. But it's hard nonetheless. I think it's all part of the process like you said.
You'll never know for sure what happened to Charlie and why - most likely. Since I'm now on my third kidney problem pet (one already gone, one maintaining, and one going), I'm learning alot. Last March, our lab Buck suddenly couldn't get up. We've always known he has bad hips but this was very sudden. We rushed him to the vet and while his inability to get up was related to his hips, we discovered at that visit that his kidney values were very high and x-rays showed some atrophy. In a weird way, I was relieved because I certainly didn't want to put Buck to sleep because of bad hips alone. Just like you said, we hospitalized, did massive fluids and brought the values down a bit. (His back problem got better on it's own) We now take him in every 3 months to check the values and they've been slowly inching back up at each visit. He was 10 when he was first diagnosed. Other than a little increase in drinking, he had no symptoms whatsoever. Our vet describes Buck's case like being on a surfboard. We just teeter back and forth and try to maintain. His condition is now called compensated renal failure. He has explained to us several times that at any given moment, Buck can take a turn for the worse. He has seen a couple of pieces of steak given to a dog over the weekend be enough to put it into complete failure (a dog already in kidney failure, of course). Granted, 10 (& now 11) is alot older for a lab than 9 is for a westie. But when I worked at my vet for several years, I saw many cases of kidney failure and the age range was always different. Sometimes it's just genetics, I guess.
Then there was Frasier who had many complications leading up to kidney failure. In a nutshell, Frasier's kidney values were ok but within days after starting a diueretic for fluid accumulation, his kidneys completely shut down. The medication killed his kidneys but we simply didn't have a choice at that point. We had to try.
Niles has been a slower process, although we don't know how long Buck's kidneys were elevated. Our vets tells us that a BUN of 75 for one dog can be stable like Buck but 45 can kill another dog. It's just all in how their little body handles it.
I don't think you're prolonging your agony. I think it's just all part of the human process to accept something horrible. You know, acute kidney failure can be brought on by something ingested - remember the whole food recall thing. But if Charlie had acute kidney failure vs. chronic kidney failure, they would've told you that. There would be no reason for them not to. It's always possible that something could've been done wrong but from your story, it doesn't really sound like it. But I know you need answers for you. And that's all that matters right now. I hope you get some peace in this process. I've gone over Frasier's chronology a million times. I've questioned everything including my vet and my own intentions! I'll never have answers but I try to focus on the fact that he didn't suffer long. I spared him of that. I know I did some things wrong going back probably for years. But my intent and your intent and your vet's intent was never to harm Frasier or Charlie. I know 9 is young and it's not fair. My co-worker's cat recently died at 18. Why couldn't Niles and Frasier live to 18? I'll never know. I wish you comfort right now. I pray that tomorrow will be a better day for you.
-Donna

Dear Barbara
I can so understand why you want answers. I know our circumstances are quite different as Noushka was an elderly dog at 13, but apart from being like a dear old lady a little slow, but still enjoying life , she was fine until a week before she finally left me, alone and at the vets being treated for pneumonia. I was told when I left her there that she would be hospitalised for up to 10 days but that the condition was treatable. Early the next morning the vet rang and told me my precious girl hadn't made it through the night. First it was the shock, then the denial, then as you say the anger and then all the questions. Why, did it happen, how could she be fine one week and gone the next, what really took her from me. Then the guilt, that I had left her there and hadn't been with her at the end.
I do hope that your Vet and your Specailist can give you some answers. They are the experts, even though I know at times we all question their actions and even their ability when we entrust the care of our precious fur babies to them. This happened to our dear Westie, Frosti at the same age when she suffered 'Acute' kidney failure. It happened quite suddenly and caused irreparable damage. She was euthanised when it became clear that she would not recover, too much damage had been done. My poor Mum had to make that decision, as she was her precious darling dog. All I can say is that your dear Charlie was given every chance by your caring and vigilence, your constant returns to the vets and your watching him for any signs of illness. And he was with you at the end too, he took away the dreadful possibility of you having to decide his fate. He was were he would want to be with his loving Mom. I know that won't take away the pain of losing him, nothing can do that. It is so unfair that their precious lifes have to be so short.
Please know that I am thinking of you.

Love Jan

Thank you, Donna and Jan. Another thing I learned after the fact was that my vet's office is not staffed at night. In other words, Charlie and all the other animals who were hospitalized there were not monitored at all after office hours. Apparently this is quite common, but in the last night of Charlie's last hospitalization (according to the vet's records) his IV came loose so he didn't get any fluids that night. Unsurprisinigly, his kidney values were much higher the following morning. That makes me very angry because if I had known that Charlie, who was so sick and so scared, would be left in a cage all night on his own, I would have either moved him to a fully staffed veterinary hospital like Alameda East, or brought him home sooner rather than put him through all that stress. I regret that second hospitalization most of all, because they returned him to me in worse shape than when I left him.

On a conscious, rational level, I know that Charlie probably had kidney issues for a long time, even though he never really showed any signs. He was always a big water drinker, from puppyhood onward, and he had a long history of G.I. upsets, but the vet had always put that down to a sensitive tummy and treated it with carafate which usually cleared it up in a day or two. I didn't notice any increase in urination or increased thirst. His only symptoms seemed to be that he was really tired and didn't like to go on walks any more. That is, he was always excited about the idea of a walk, but after a block or so he would slow down and seem to struggle. He wasn't eating as well as usual either. He was eating, just not with any great enthusiasm, so I took him to the vet to find out what was going on. The specialist at Alameda East, where I took him that last day, did say that Charlie was suffering from chronic kidney failure which she believed had been compensated for over a long period of time. She also said that she thought he had a few weeks left, if not months provided we could get his blood pressure under control, and seemed very shocked when I called her back to tell her he had died that afternoon.

What I can't help wondering is if all the tests I put him through, coupled with two very stressful hospitalizations, in less than a week and a half didn't contribute to a chronic condition becoming acute enough to kill him. In my eagerness to try to save him, I can't help wondering if I contributed to his death and that's what's haunting me now. His 9th birthday is this Saturday. I so wanted him to live until his birthday, and get him to the point where he could enjoy food, just once more. I hope I didn't rob him of that. I hope I didn't push him so hard that he died from sheer stress. Then again, he likely had nothing left but unable misery. At least he was spared that. At least he died at home and I was with him at the end. That is some comfort, but it really doesn't feel very comfortable right now.

Thanks for your understanding. This is such a great place to vent. Everybody here understands, don't they?

Barbara

Dear Barbara--

I think there's a stage of grieving called "second guessing" that isn't defined in the standard list. Most of us seem to go through it--if only I had..., did the doctors do something wrong..., why did he died so young...etc, and we can torture ourselves with those questions. It's natural, and agonizing. I don't blame you a bit for wanting to get to the bottom of this story, but I think the key thing is that you operated at all times with the BEST INFORMATION YOU HAD AT THE TIME--and to let yourself off the hook for that. Obviously, many unfortunate things occurred along the way that might have gone differently had you known better, but you DIDN'T. You obviously took splendid care of Charlie right up til the end--he couldn't have asked for more.

It's sad but true that humans and animals both tend to die at all ages, of all causes, some seemingly "unfairly," and at way too young an age. Sadly, most deaths are not graceful or pretty. So the important thing is the quality of life that your pet had while he was alive and vital, and the memories that you will always hold in your heart.

I'm not saying not to investigate--you have a perfect right and a drive to do that--but not to beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do. So many people here have already backed up your experiences of the ravages of kidney failure. I'm pretty sure that Poppers died of kidney failure right before Christmas, but she wasn't sick long and the vet couldn't find anything tangible wrong the day before she died, and then she died in her sleep the next night without too much pain. Lots of testing would probably have shown the failure, but I couldn't afford to do it, and she was dying anyway, and she went gracefully and at a very old age--so I was very lucky. Others, like you, haven't been so lucky.

I feel very deeply for you in your loss of Charlie--I just encourage you not to torment yourself with the "what if's" and "if only's." Grief is complex and painful enough without heaping a whole lot of guilt and uncertainty and second-guessing in on top of it.

Big big Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf (who is dying of cancer)

Hi Barbara,

This is a very normal thing that you are going through! It has been 6 months since I had my dog Callaway put to sleep and once in awhile I still struggle with the questions of if I did the right thing, did I try everything, did my vet do everything she could, etc.

I think you should actually sit down with your vet and the specialist and go over Charlies records and ask them as many questions as you need to, this probably will help but also be aware that it may not and it could make you feel worse. I went in to talk to my vet about Callaway and it did make me feel better for awhile but the questions did come back. I think I will always question if I could have done something else, but the questioning has eased with time. The one thing that I tell myself is that I did what I thought was right at the time and that everything I did was out of love. I loved that dog more than anything, he was a very lucky boy as I was very lucky to have him in my life.

Your pain is still very new, it hasn't even been a week. Just remember that your pain will ease but it does take time. Talk as much as you can about how you are feeling, do you have people that you can talk to? Also, come here often and "talk", we all know how intense the pain can be and we can offer a lot of support.

I pray that you find peace soon. I promise it will get better, you will always miss Charlie, but the pain does lessen with time.

Take care,
Rhapsedy

Hi, Barbara, please permit me to offer you my sincerst sympathies in the loss of your beloved Charlie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Yes, I can so relate to your "unanswered questions." My precious kitty daughter, Abbygayle, was diagnosed with Stage III Fibrosarcoma last July 2009. In December 2009 she underwent her third surgery to remove recurring tumor nodules. From that point forward the cancer continued to take over her sweet body, and on Monday, March 15, she went home to the angels under the loving supervision of her vet PCP. I have had to surrender other precious furkids to the angels from end stage renal failure and other types of cancer, but this was my first encounter with Fibrosarcoma and had not a clue as to what to expect. X-rays taken on March 9 showed no evidence that the cancer had invaded her bones or was metastasizing in other areas of her body. Yet - - she had stopped eating and her body was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I thought that I would request a necropsy to try to get some "answers" as to why all of this suddenly arose within a 2 week time frame. When I took her to the vet on Monday evening it was apparent that she was ready to be released from her body, and it was obvious that the cancer was the primary reason. But not to take anything for granted I asked the vet if the scenario of events was normal for Fibrosarcoma, and without hesitating she looked straight into my eyes and very compassionately said, "Yes, when it is the vigorus form of Fibro, which apparently is what your precious Abbygayle is suffering from." That was enough of an explanation for me - - so I passed on asking for a necropsy.

I do so understand your need for answers. It is part of what helps with the healing process. Unfortunately our furkids are so adept at hiding how badly they feel - - until they can no longer do that - - that by the time they reveal how badly they are feeling the disease process has already taken a foothold on their precious bodies. And please believe me when I say I truly, honestly believe that nothing you did for your precious Charlie contributed to his death. The last two weeks of Abbygayle's life was shared with frequent vet visits to try to figure out why she had so suddenly stopped eating - - her kidney values were well within normal ranges. This horrible grief journey is filled with so many different emotions at any given time, and there is no "set pattern" or "rhyme or reason" to the immense loss that fills our hearts and lives.

I do so hope that you will find support, comfort, and encouragement from each of us that will help you through your grief journey, Barbara. One of the most important things for you to remember is that you are NOT alone in your journey. Each of us are here for you for as long as often as you need us. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you all so much. It's been a fairly dark day in spite of the sun shining brightly outdoors (we're supposed to get snow tomorrow, which will better match my mood). Tomorrow will be one whole week since Charlie died and the day after that is his birthday, or what would have been his birthday. I loved that little dog so much. Just the sight of him could cheer me up and I think it's only just getting through to me that I'll never see that sweet face again. I think you're all right, though. I'm in the 'second-guessing' or 'if only' stage of grieving, but I just feel so incredibly angry sometimes that I don't know what to do with myself. It's just that I've had so many horrible, rotten things happen in my life. I've been through a divorce, I've been diagnosed with two serious, incurable illnesses, and I've witnessed the pain of my only son when his wife of thee years left him for a man who wasn't 1/10 the man my son is. But as much as all that hurt, none hurt as bad as losing Charlie. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that little dog meant so much to me and I can't understand why he had to suffer so much in his final weeks or why he had to be taken from me so soon. I'm not someone who cries easily. If I was, maybe I could cope with this more easily, but instead it just festers inside until it feels like I'm about to explode. Anyway, thank you all for giving me an opportunity to vent. It's a dark day but it does help to write it all down and your responses do help to lift a little of the burden from my heart.

Barbara

Hi Barbara
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time about Charile -- I know how much you miss him -- as much as I miss my Sammy. I wish you peace and want to tell you to please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you did the very best you could for your dear Charlie. He was lucky to have you for a mom. It's been so soon since he left you -- it's still so raw for you. Please don't beat yourself up about your care of him. I truly believe he knows that everything you did --you did out of your immense love for him. My prayers are with you.
Sharon

Hi Barbara,

I know this reply is late and I hope you will still get a chance to read it. I don't log on too often these days but your post caught my eye because April 11, 2010 it will be one year that I lost my beloved Jack to kidney failure. I am so sincerly sorry for the pain you are going through and can very much relate. In approximately July 2007, Jack started having some problems and blood work revealed higher than normal kidney function tests but nothing to indicate actual kidney failure. We kept an eye on things and his issues resolved. He was somewhere between 13 and 15 years old but for that age still walking twice a day and had great energy and good spirits. Then suddenly in early April 2010, I switched food and shortly thereafter, he stopped eating, started throwing up, became lethargic and the blood work came back kidney failure. The vet did not think it was the change of food but I still believe that even though he had compromised kidneys, it was too sudden and maybe the food was to blame. I don't know, Barbara, if you can trace back any change in Charlie's diet shortly before his health failed but I do understand your pain and frustration. It is a quick death when it comes like that. The only thing I can say is that within that week from when Jack first stopped eating and showed signs of the kidney failure to the time I let him go on, he suffered so greatly that I was relieved for his sake that I was able to give him that final gift of release. The pain and loss has been difficult, at times better and at times worse. Now as I approach the one year mark, I find I am struggling to again come to terms with it all because I of course blamed myself for giving him what to this day I believe was tainted food. Barbara, I wish I could say something to ease your sadness but we know we will see them again. I have to believe that because it is the only thing that makes the loss bearable. Take care.

Charlie ate Science Diet dog food most of his life and to the best of my knowledge it's never been linked to any problems. The only 'change' I can think of is that shortly after Christmas I had a lot of leftover turkey, so I was mixing some of that in with the dogs' regular food. Charlie started suffering from diahrrea, however, so I stopped the turkey and he seemed okay for awhile, but his appetite was never quite the same from that point forward. It kind of makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't the turkey that caused his diahrrea. I recently sent for a book called "Food Pets Die For" which claims that even premium brand dog foods use questionable ingredients. I've only just started reading it so don't know if Science Diet is one of the brands the author found questionable, but it certainly makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Except for occasional bouts of G.I. upsets (which could usually be linked to something he ate) Charlie seemed quite healthy throughout his life. Or at least he seemed to be healthy. It wasn't until late January-early February that I noticed he seemed rather lethargic and wasn't eating well, so I took him to the vet to see what, if anything, was going on. It's only been two weeks since he died, but I think I'm starting to come to terms with it. I know that nothing I do will bring him back, but I still have Belle, my Sheltie, to think of, as well as any other dogs I may have, so I'm certainly planning to do some research about the pet food industry and, if I have to, I'll cook for my dogs from now on. This book also has quite a few receipes for healthy home cooked meals for dogs. At least that way I'll know for sure what they're eating!

Thanks for your comments. It's give me something to think about.

Barbara

[quote name='CharliesMom' date='Mar 25 2010, 02:47 PM' post='56532']
Charlie ate Science Diet dog food most of his life and to the best of my knowledge it's never been linked to any problems. The only 'change' I can think of is that shortly after Christmas I had a lot of leftover turkey, so I was mixing some of that in with the dogs' regular food. Charlie started suffering from diahrrea, however, so I stopped the turkey and he seemed okay for awhile, but his appetite was never quite the same from that point forward. It kind of makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't the turkey that caused his diahrrea. I recently sent for a book called "Food Pets Die For" which claims that even premium brand dog foods use questionable ingredients. I've only just started reading it so don't know if Science Diet is one of the brands the author found questionable, but it certainly makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Except for occasional bouts of G.I. upsets (which could usually be linked to something he ate) Charlie seemed quite healthy throughout his life. Or at least he seemed to be healthy. It wasn't until late January-early February that I noticed he seemed rather lethargic and wasn't eating well, so I took him to the vet to see what, if anything, was going on. It's only been two weeks since he died, but I think I'm starting to come to terms with it. I know that nothing I do will bring him back, but I still have Belle, my Sheltie, to think of, as well as any other dogs I may have, so I'm certainly planning to do some research about the pet food industry and, if I have to, I'll cook for my dogs from now on. This book also has quite a few receipes for healthy home cooked meals for dogs. At least that way I'll know for sure what they're eating!

Thanks for your comments. It's give me something to think about.

Barbara
[/quote

Hi Barbara--

From the moment that Ladywolf was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I've been custom-cooking for her. Everything that I've come across on the internet has persuaded me that commercial dog food can CAUSE cancer, and other health problems.

Lady was "supposed" to die within a few weeks after her diagnosis. Well, it's been a few months now, and we are still going strong. I can't say that I never give her any dry dog food with her other food (chicken, beef, turkey {yes, turkey, which she loves!}, eggs, tuna fish, salmon, brown rice, vegetables, oil, etc.), but only the highest quality of dry food, which lists beef as its first ingredient, and only when I am broke and/or lazy. The bulk of her diet is good quality "people" meat. Her appetite is terrific, as she is being spoiled ROTTEN, and I KNOW that the change in diet is keeping her alive.

So it's definitely something to think about and look into. A friend with a six-year-old dog, Misty, has switched her over to all people-food too, after Misty and Ladywolf had a conference, and Misty decided that she would never eat plain, high-quality dry food again, without nutritious additions!

I believe that you are definitely on the right track here, based on the quality of Ladywolf's life since I changed everything and she started eating better than I do!

Good luck, and big hugs--
\
Margi and the Wolf