1 Yr

On the 13th of this month makes 1yr since my roots life ended. One the most devastating painful days of my life. I hear people talk about the love and affection they have with their dogs and all I can think of is the emptiness anger I feel because I don't have that anymore. But yet I still smile and pretend I understand. I don't and I still feel like I was robbed of 1 of lifes most precious gifts. I have rescued a pregnant cat. Witness the birth of her kittens found homes for her and all but the kitten I choose to keep. I thought this would help me heal from my lost and it did for a while but now I feel the same as before (like it just happened). As I write this I am crying so much its unbearable the pain still radiates like a knife cutting thru my soul. I thouhgt and hoped this part of it would be over by now. I would like to get another puppy from the same person I got Rudy from some how I believe it will give me some type of connection to him again (weird I kmow). I have been okay for the most part but when hits me hits me like a 10 ton truck. The memories that flash are the last ones like he was all alone in a cage when he passed. The smell of death when I kissed him last. The bloody mocus running from his nose. Thinking what I did or did'nt do. I pray god will just heal this hole in my heart so I can remember just him and all the good times how I was never alone with him and him with me. As usual I can't really talk about this like this with those who are close to me because they just don't understand. This forum is a little light in my tunnel. I'm not sure if what I say is always read or notbut atleast I can let these feelings out without that strangeness lurking. To who if anyone took the time to read my thouhgts you are much appreciated. To all new and old members just know you are not alone and mt heart goes out to you in all you trials and tribulations. Thanks for your time.

P.S. I will post Rudy's picture before the 13th.

Correction For Rudy

I made a mistake about the cause of my sweet sweet angels illness. I believe I called it the Zoonotic in the first posting in August. The illness that caused his death was Leptospirosis. I would like share his pictures, and I will as soon can. I have made the mistake of becoming a workaholic to keep from facing how bad it has affected my life. And now it still feels like today or yesterday was that day. One month to the exact day is when I threw away the first thing that belonged to him. That was a prescription that kept falling out the fridge everytime we open it. I have read countless times on this website how not to many people understand the grief. Yes in the beginning people who live in my household and those close to me said they where sorry for my loss. But now when I cry (which is just about everyday), I get a look of confusion. So now I feel like I am where I need to be (here). My mind has never stopped racing trying to find a way to do something honorable in his name to help pets and their parents. Lots of ideas but no clue what to do with them. Next week I plan on calling the hotline to seek extra help to healing. Please read up on Leptospirosis and spread the word. Until next time thanks for your time and ears.

Missing Rudy

:( On 8/13/2010 I lost my baby my angel. His name was Rudy. He came into my life unexpected but very welcomed. Just like the birth of my children. I even had symptoms of postpartum depression when I first brought him home. Sitting up at night watching him sleep, making sure he is still breathing. He was jumping on me when I came home for work insisting I pick him up to hug him and him me last Saturday. Sunday he seemed different a little distant no appetite. Monday vomiting weak and depressed. Tuesday off to the vet we go. I left he had to stay. Wednesday the test came back its a 50/50 chance. I can't help crying when I see him. I took pictures of him (did not know why I just did). Thursday he sat up was looking just a little better (is what the vet told me via phone call). Good not wonderful but better than yesterday. I slept and woke without that heavy feeling I had been feeling all week. Friday Ms. Sharps we went in to check on Rudy and he was unresponsive with no heartbeat(me to for a second). Im sorry to tell you he passed away about ten minutes ago.I was at work doing extra time so I could afford to pay for his growing vet bill. This is why I was not there to see him off or maybe just maybe if when he sat up yesterday he was looking for me his mommy. And when I didn't he gave up thinking I did not love and want him anymore. Because this was the only day since he became my baby that we had not seen and embraced each other. Rudy was a soon to be seven month old westie with the heart and eyes of an angel. He came in my life just as he left unexpected. Now I know why I took those pictures of him at the vet, something in his eyes he knew our time was coming to an end, our last embrace, something I see it in his eyes as I look at those pictures. Breaks my heart everytime. I am going thru the guilt phase if you can't tell. I dread walking in or seeing my backyard. The one place we shared some of the best times is the one place that contributed to his death. I live in a inner city neighborhood where our trash days have been cut from twice to once a week. Making a bad enviroment worse. I am speaking of the rats that run rapid thru the backyards and areas where we store our trash from wednesday to wednesday. They leave their feces and urine everywhere. This is what made Rudy ill. What caused his liver and kidneys to shut down. What caused his death. I knew about this happening to people but I did not think of it happening to animals. I am writing this so that maybe if it saves one life may it be animal or human (both are just the same to me), it will make sense of why he came into my life. For more info on zooinic precautions please contact a vet or SPCA. If you live in a area with similar or the same conditions, sanitize your yard daily for your family (two legs or four). Make sure you and your family practice good hand washing. Thanks for listening to my story. This has been very theraputic.