It's Two Years Today Options

[sad]

It has been 2 years today since I said goodbye to you my sweet kitty. I wish I could have done something to make you feel better and that the ending was not so bad for both of us. You did seem like you were not really there though that last day- you just did not have your spark. I hope you don't blame me for making the decision to end it. I did not know what was the best thing to do and wanted to spare you any suffering. I miss you so.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Sad, the "angel-versaries" are a challenge - - no matter how much time has transpired - - because they are reminders that our precious companions are no longer physically with us. Please know that you did the absolute best thing - - from the depths of deepest love - - and your precious kitty knows this, as do each of us here who share your journey.

Sad, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing, and for sharing your love-filled letter to your precious kitty with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[sad]

Thank you moonbeam. Even after all this time I sometimes wonder if it was the right time or the right thing to do. I really do hope there is something beyond this world and that he is happy and free from sickness and pain.

[LoveMyMickey]

Dear Sad,

As I was writing to you last night, my computer crashed. It is okay now.......As Moon_Beam said, you did the best thing out of deep love for your kitty. Every once in awhile I think about "what if", but we have to stop thinking about the what ifs and believe we did the right thing.

I believe there is a special place in heaven for our pets, where they are healthy and happy. After all God gave us them to teach us "love".

Take care....God Bless You.

LoveMyMickey

[sad]

Thank you LoveMyMickey. What moonbeam said is right about angel-versaries being hard-last year I was having trouble coping at all at the one year mark. I read your story just now and I am so sorry about your beautiful dog Mickey-he was so very handsome and happy and very well cared for as well-that comes right through in his picture. My cat had several health problems for several years so I know what you were going through but I had always wished my cat could have passed peacefully in his sleep but from what I have read here it seems that does not happen often. It does sound like your Mickey passed peacefully though-he was not aware of what was happening and both you and your husband were there to comfort him. I know what you mean about leaving things as they were. It took me 3 weeks to pick up the water bowl-the food bowl I removed right away but the water bowl sat there for 3 weeks before I could move it. His bed stayed on my bed for a very long time too-not sure where I finally moved it. I have given away a few of his toys but most of them are still in the big basket. I hope you are doing well this weekend and that the weather stays calmer.

[LoveMyMickey]

Hi Sad,

Thank you for your kind words and reading my story. I hope you are having a better day today. Our weather is cool and calm with just some gentle rain.

Stop by when you can and let us know how you are doing. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless you...

LoveMyMickey

[Abby's Mom]

Hi Sad,

My heart goes out to you so much! Wow, aniversaries or "angel-versaries", as someone so elequently put it, can't be easy. I lost my beloved dog of 16 1/2 years on 5/4/11 and it's been a roller coaster ride from hell. Every first is heartbreaking, the first day, week, month, year and yes the first 2nd year too- Today I have been lamenting over the first Saturday at home without my baby. I was out of town with her, at my Mom's, when she passed away.

Please know that you did the best thing for your precious kitty and that he is at peace, in a place without pain or illness. I'm sure he's missing you and cannot wait until you are reunited again, just as I pray that my Abby is missing and loving me. I truly believe that both our babies are in a much happier place where their life quality has returned and they can run, play and be free again.

I've discovered that none of us are alone in this journey, because there are so many caring people on this site to help us through. You are definitely not alone.

Much love,
Abby's Mom

[Peggy's Human]

Dear Sad,

I read the story of your precious cat and my heart broke for you. Beyond the horrible pain of losing your beloved companion, you were treated horribly by the vet staff. I wish I could reach out and give you a big, soothing hug (and give them a good smack upside their collective heads). I'm sure your sweet cat knew that your love was the driving factor in the decision you made. You did the absolute best you could in those circumstances and nobody can ask more of you than that - not even you. And, just because the vet was totally lacking in any compassion does not mean they were wrong about the decision you were forced to make. Some of the best Dr's have the absolute worst people/animal skills so it's possible you had one of those kinds of Dr's. Looking at it from a purely unemotional perspective, if they really had any doubt about the best course to take, they could have tried to rope you into a very costly procedure which would not have helped cat but would have enriched them. Since they didn't try to pressure you into that approach, I really think they knew the best thing to do was to help him pass. And another possibility is, some people come across as 'cold' because they're trying to hard to hide the deep emotion they're feeling - they view emotion as weakness and are just not comfortable showing emotion in front of others. Maybe they were more tender with cat once you were out of the room. It doesn't excuse the way they behaved but I'm just saying that maybe they behaved better when alone with cat. Since you don't know, please don't torture yourself.

Honestly, I think that if deep down you thought there was any hope for cat to have even a few more days without being in pain, your instincts would have compelled you to grab him and run. Very often, that indecision is caused by our heads and hearts battling. On one level, we know or strongly suspect 'it's time' but our hearts just can't fathom letting them go. It makes this heart rending decision even more difficult and fraught with confusion and ultimately, second guessing ourselves. Nobody new cat as well as you and on some level, you realized it was time for him to pass and you were doing the most loving thing you could by helping him to pass as peacefully and pain free as possible, in spite of your need to keep him with you. That dear Sad is the ulitmate act of love and you managed to perform that act, even as it ripped out your vunerable heart. Only someone who knows how to selflessly love is capable of that so cat was blessed to have you in his life - and clearly you felt blessed having him in yours.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you can find a way to release the guilt you seem to be carrying in your heart. I am sure that cat is still aware of your love and still returns it in kind. Please try to treat yourself with kindness and recognize that you had the necessary strength and the ability to perform a selflessness act to help your beloved companion move out of his pain. If you have time, please let us know how you're doing.

Big cyber-hug to you,

Peggy (the human)

[sad]

Thank you Abby's Mom. I had my kitty almost as long as you had Abby-15 years - and they become such a big part of our lives. I am so sorry you lost Abby and thank you so much for reaching out to me when you must be hurting so much with such a recent loss. I do hope they are both in a better place, free from pain and sickness. I wish I had found this site when it first happened or even before and maybe I could have gotten through this better than I did. There are still doubrs about whether I did the right thing after a 5 minute exam and a rushed decision but I did know he was very very sick and that he did not have much time left no matter what. I hope you are having a peaceful day today and hope that your memories of Abby will bring you comfort in the days to come. Thank you again for your reply.

[sad]

Thank you so much for your reply Peggy. That was so sweet of you to go back and read my story. It was not a pleasant experience for sure and I was rushed and of course afterward the bill needs to be paid and the next appointment seen. I was very confused and you are right at one point I wanted to take him and leave but I knew he was so sick where would I go. To the emergency clinic and subject him to another exam with probably the same decision in the end. He did not even seem to care if I was there-so unlike how he would usually cling to me at the vet office and so part of me was thinking am I doing him any good by being here so upset. If he had shown that he wanted me there I probably would have somehow done it but he just wanted to be left alone. I still wonder sometimes though about if euthanasia is scary for them-it sure would be scary for me I think. I hope he was at peace even though the vet did not think a tranquilizer was necessary-I guess they don't always do that but it bothered me at the time. You are right that I am still carrying around a lot of guilt about it all which does not change anything but I just wanted to do the very best for him and wish I knew for sure what that was. Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts.

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Sad

My heart breaks for you and the loss of your beautiful kitty. You were put through a terrible experience by some pretty callous people at the time when your heart was breaking. At times like this, if you listen very carefully, your can HEAR the person's heart breaking. As the others have said, you did the absolute right thing, despite the additional suffering the vet crew put you through. You said your cat didn't seem to 'be there" on that last day. Someone told me that was a sign of their leaving their physical bodies. I lost my Gretta - the best chocolate lab that ever lived - on April 10 of this year. Unlike you, I was fortunate enough to have an excellent university vet school to take care of her that last night and day. And like you, I sometimes fell terrible about her spending her last night on this earth in a hospital - hurting and with no one familiar around to comfort her. But I think we have to console ourselves with the fact that we truly loved them - as they truly loved us - and what we had to do was done out of deep, deep, infinite love for them - and they know it.

About animals living on after they depart this earth, most of the world knows this to be true - knows that animals and people have interchangeable souls. Only we "smart" societies have rejected this idea. But that doesn't make it not so. Many people's theology doesn't allow them to believe that beloved animals - all animals - live on after they leave this earth. But mine does, and I'm sticking with it. And animals are far more knowing than people. You know that from your live with and love for your kitty. It's only us 'people' who think things to death and most of the time get the wrong answer! Love is real. Love endures forever. Love knows love. Your kitty KNOWS that everything you did was out of an amazing love for her. She IS waiting for you in the Perfect World. And you WILL be together in that world. It's he&(*()*)& to have to wait for that reunion, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. It will. Your kitty knows that. And you can rest completely assured that it IS true.

Here's a comforting hug for you on a very painful day.

Gretta's mom

[sad]

Thank you Gretta's Mom for your reply and for understanding. I have been hearing that being "out of it" is a sign that they are preparing to leave and my cat was certainly not acting anything close to normal that last day or really in the few days before that. He did not seem to really be able to focus on anything except for very brief periods and most of the time he was just dazed. It must be a great comfort to you to be so sure of the afterlife. I know that a couple of weeks after I woke up hearing my cat meow-his voice was distinctive and it was very clear. Was I dreaming-probably, maybe, who knows-but it woke me up and made me feel good for a bit that maybe just maybe he had been able to come through to me in this way. I hope someday I can be as sure as you are about what is beyond what we see in this life.

I read your story and it was so wonderful that you and Gretta were able to connect so well and that you were able to give her so much love and care in her last years although I am sure you wish you had her sooner. It sounds like you made the right decision not to put her through massive testing and surgery and have her go quickly and peacefully although it is never easy. I thank you so much for reaching out to me when your grief is still so new and hope that your happy memories of Gretta help you with your loss.

[leejaye]

dear sad, my girl mischief was diagnosed with a cancer a year ago, cos of those meds her kidneys packed it in, those last few days she was not herself, i could see her fighting to stay connected, then the last day, i couldn't get her interested in anything, she cried on the way to the vet too, and even though i know, and my vet said (we got to see our lovely regular vet who has looked after us since diagnosis) that the time was just right, not too late, not too soon, i still feel guilty and wonder if she was telling me goodbye or asking me for help on the way to the vet. like your kitty cat she was so flat that last day, i couldn't see her suffer, so it had to be the right decision, since the day we got that cancer diagnosis i was trying to get ready for this day, but i don't think you are ever ready, just know that you had his best interests at heart, you did the best you could cos you loved him, he knows this too.

[sad]

Hi leejaye
Thank you for your reply and I am so sorry you lost your kitty. 17 years is a long time but it never is long enough is it. It sounds like both our kitties were going through the same thing at the end. But it is good that your vet was able to reassure you that the timing was just right and knowing my cat was acting the same helps to reassure me that the time was right as well. It is so hard to know what they were thinking on the way to the vet but I guess both our kittys were so sick that it just had to be that way. That is one of those time you just wish they could speak our language and let us know. You are right that we are never really ready for this even though we try to brace ourselves. My cat's health issues had been going on a long time but he managed to do pretty well in spite of it. Like yours he still had shiny fur at the end even though he had lost weight and was not himself. Just one week before the end he was eating pretty well and playing like a kitten in the middle of the night. It sounds like you had some very tough days at the end but you were there for Mischeif and did everything you could to help her. I know you must be missing her so much right now and it is so nice of you to reach out to me while your grief is still so new. I hope that you continue to be comforted by feeling she is near. I saw the picture you posted and she is one beautiful cat and looks very happy in the picture and why shouldn't she be-she had a great home and a good life with you.

[leejaye]

thanks sad i always thought she was beautiful but i am a bit biased, i am struggling today cos it is one week since i lost her, so many people have said i was lucky to have her for 17 years but like you say it's never long enough, i am just trying to think of all our good times and not what happened last week, i know we had to do it but i miss her so much today