My Dog Cowboy

It has been 37 hours and 12 minutes since my dog cowboy passed. Its was so sudden and scary I cant even come to terms with the thoughts of it yet. I dont know what killed him and its not that important to me to know. The fact he is gone is all that matters. We had just gone out for morning bathroom time and come in to eat. He ate his breakfast and his treat then jumped up on the couch to give me kisses. I feel blessed that i told him how much he meant to me just before he died. We were laying down to take a nap before i went to work, him on his end of the couch on his couch bed and me with my foot rubbing his back when he suddenly started yelling in a way ive never heard. i jumped up and went to him asking him what was wrong and when he got silent he let out his last breath. it took nearly five minutes for me to realise he had passed. Sorry if my grahamer isnt correct i can barely see the screen. I think im jumping between the guilt and anger phase right now because i keep thinking there must have been a sign i missed. I keep wondering if maybe he wasnt dead when i wrapped him up and took him to the hospital to be creamated. Angry with myself for not being sure whether to get an urn or not, i decided not. I have pictures and some of the most wonderful memories. We had just gone to the vet on saturday and they didnt find anything wrong with him other than his heart murmur which was found 2 years ago but they never seemed concerned about it and just told me the signs to watch for. I just cant think of any moment that one of them appeared. Im hoping writing on here will help. I still havent been able to eat, but i do have a lapband that makes it difficult in the first place this is just making it harder.It just feels like I have a big weight sitting on my chest. I keep remembering all the good times and then the horror of him dying like that. I am usually one of those macho guys that doesnt cry and i havent been able to control it. Ive done ok during the day its just at night it gets to be overwhelming. i cant even turn on the tv. i was ok my first day back at work until my boss came and told me that we were done and there was no need to stay at work. It just hit me that i have to go home for the first of many times to my apartment without him. everyone keeps telling me they understand and that they are here if I need them but none of them ever took the time to get to know cowboy so i dont feel like they are the right ones to talk to about it. And then I get angry because I dont want understanding or to talk I just want cowboy back. Well I guess ive ranted enough for now. I hope it makes somekind of sense. Ill try to post again after ive gotten to a better place where i can understand myself. Thank you for reading this it really does mean alot to know others can feel the same way I do.