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luv_my_catz
74 years old
Gender Not Set
Upstate NY
Born Nov-29-1949
Interests
Cooking, Reading, Indoor and Outdoor Plants, Writing, NYC Trips, Ocean and Mountain Visits, Child and Animal Advocacy, Spending time with family and/or a few close friends, Quantum Physics and the Mystery of the Unseen
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Joined: 31-March 05
Profile Views: 2,117*
Last Seen: 4th August 2010 - 08:17 AM
Local Time: Mar 28 2024, 05:11 PM
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luv_my_catz

Pet Lovers


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1 Aug 2010
I have returned once again to the shores of this sea to heal from another pet loss....in 2005 this site helped me heal from the leaving of 2 angels that graced my life and now I have found my way back in the shadows of grief to find comfort in this storm. I found my Sammie (Samantha Pearl) at a shelter. She was a beautiful black cat with a shiny coat and a pure and innocent soul that shone through her green jade eyes. It took me the better part of 2 years but eventually she got over her fears of whatever ghosts she carried from her past life....and became my sweet Sammie.

Last week all that changed....I was away on vacation when I received a fateful phone call from my distraught pet sitter...she arrived at home and found my sweet Sammie in her favorite spot...but not sleeping...this time she had gone from this earth....and would never be there for me again to greet me at the top of those stairs...peering around the corner shyly...still a bit hesitant to believe it was someone who loved her so.

My angel left me....I am living now in a void. It is a 2 dimension world. Everything is still here but it seems as if they are all props on a stage....and I am living strangely among them. My environment is foreign without her.

I carry a heating pad around....it resembles the warmth of her silky fur....I have the rug she was last wrapped in...so gently and dearly by my trusted friend...I lay on the rug where she was found...I sob and cry...my reference point is gone...

Thank you for listening...I did not think I would be here again so soon....she was only 11...I only had her for 5 years....never long enough though...my Ambie was 20...the other angel pets well into their teens....it is never long enough...they are angels on this earth...too soon gone.

My heart is gray and shadowed. Samantha Pearl July 15, 1999 - July 11, 2010

Kathryn

22 Jul 2007
:angel

CC is gone, 2 years and 9 months ~ I cannot believe it. Yet...where has the time gone? Does time go?

To think of CC is so bittersweet.

Love
Sadness
Regret
and at the same time
Love
Joy
Hope.....
He was and continues to be the sparkle in my universe.

God is light, but my CeeCe was and is the glitter that I never found as a child. He reminded me of the small fragments of time that did show that child glimpses of this magical phenomenon.

When he died, the loss was profound for many reasons. But it was mostly because at that moment, I could no longer see anything.... neither light nor sparkle. I was reverted back to a frightened child, unsafe and lost.

Each pet has given me different gifts.

This honor is for my sweet and innocent Rainbow Boy. His light goes on, giving the universe that unique glitter and sparkle for the infinite spaces and the darkest stars to hold.

His light goes on, yet I still struggle to find my own.

It is a blessing and a curse to have this gift. To be lost then found then lost again has a certain angst. To be stronger and more crystalized in the realities of life at a cost.

Is this how we endure? At one cost after the other? Is this how our faith becomes greater?

Questions such as these are answered by time and for me prayer, or gazing into my memory candle....thinking, remembering....hoping...and learning about things like spirits and souls and mystery.

When I gaze at the night sky in wonder and awe, it becomes clear.

Yet...on days such as this, the mornings bring a sense of disorientation that lasts longer with each loss in life that has been endured, each lesson learned, each disillusionment realized.

The wonder of it all for me is, that although reality surrounds my being, I am also a hart that longs for flowing streams...or the young girl at the waters edge holding an orb of light that has leapt out of the blue fluid space below and filled her being with renewal, even rebirth if possibility and new life.

So my dear friends, this is what I have felt this day as I remember my sweet angel, a crystal rainbow forever in my heart. wub.gif

Blessings to you and peace.

Love,
Kathryn
30 Apr 2006
Racing across space and time
to find you there sweet as ever!
A splash of light
A glittering rainbow
Shimmering shadows
that puff and burst
leaving me with the
sillhouette I know so well
familiar yet forgotten
as my own
Remembered only when
passing by a mirror
yet....not...
because it was
in gazing at you that
I finally found
my own shadow
even in the darkest nights
or bleakest storms
when lights had dimmed
and comets spun away
from view
in synchopated symphonic chords
foreign to the psyche...
Leaving laughter and a song
in the soul:

Love You Bud
Love You Buddy Boy
Love You Bud
Love You Buddy Boy
My Buddy Boy, My Buddy Boy, My Buddy Boy

Echoes forever in my heart.

*********************************************************

Dedicated April 22, 2006 to my Innocent Light and Joy of Life ~ CC wub.gif
28 Mar 2006
Amber ~ My Ambie ~ My Amberina ~ My Angel Girl ~ My Wise Old Soul and Blessing in my Life,

My heart is forever your new home...

I close my eyes and you are here once again.....Perfect ~ Perceptive ~ Proud ~ Parsippinous and yet a playful little kitten ~right to the end of your nearly 20 years that you spent gracing my life ~ With softness when the edges were too rough and the light in your eyes bringing simple truth of unconditonal love to my complicated and emotionally demanding life. When I finally arrived home in the evening I would find you there gazing across the room as if to say....whatever it is that happened ...everythings going to be ok...In fact we made up a song about it and we danced around the room together while I sang it ~ for thousands of nights...

I always told you I would come back to you like the sun and the stars and the moon...and quite coincidentally...it is you that returns to me now in that very same way...bringing sun and a place for me to stay close to you...My Ambie~ My Sweet Lam-Ber-Gini ~ My Bamber ~

Your classical music plays forever in the chambers of my heart bringing me peace and serenity in a world that is continuing to spin in a whirling and dizzying pace..

I miss you my Babe ~ My Domba Dina ~ My Gita Girl ~

You will always be the lighthouse in the storm.

Forever in My Heart and Always Around in the soft kiss of the wind or in the instant when a star glows a bit brigher in the night sky...

Ambie!

Come to me and stay when you may...bring sweet brother Jade ...its almost lilac time ~ his favorite time of year..I will light the way with hope and love ~ then we follow the path to each other amongst the sun and moon and stars....I love you sweet Ambie and Jade ! My precious gems now and always.... wub.gif

Amber - Amberina ~ August 8, 1985 - March 28, 2005
Jade - Jadester ~ August 8, 1985 - May 5, 1999
24 Feb 2006
This week has marked the 4 month anniversary of CC's death and next month on the 28th Amber will have been gone a year.

Initially I immersed myself in comforting others and writing in my journal many versions in prose of how this journey is manifesting ~ using metaphors and fantasy characters to illustrate my grief.


What is happening now is that reality is setting in and I am realizing that what I was doing is called transference of my grief into comforting others and writing stories.

The reality is that for the last 20 years I defined myself and my life by Amber - her brother Jade (who I lost in 1999) and then CC who actually saved my life when I was at a juncture in life where I had nothing to live for due to an abusive relationship that I was in and subsequently got out of after I got CC ~ it took me a few years after that but CC and the other 2 were my angels ~ along with my friends daughter who I have been like a godmother to over the years since her birth (also 18 years ago) - The deaths of my pets and this childs graduation from High School and moving away has turned my world upside down. The impact of these things are now glaring ~ there is no buffer of comforting others or writing stories to keep the empty feelings at bay ~

Today after the 4 month remembrance of CC's passing on the 22nd I am so lost and empty and devestated ~ I have said before that my own home is shadowed and strange to me ~ I cannot sleep in my bed ~ cannot go in the dining room or living room ~

Intellectually I understand what is happening but my emotions and also my faith and hope in good things and feelings of being safe have escaped me.

I write this here not for sympathy but rather because I know that this is a safe place and there are others here like I who are trying so very hard to find my way in the dark.

Thanks for listening ~ I am just so very sad ~ My heart goes out to everyone here who has and is experiencing these very real and unexplicably difficult loss.
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4 Aug 2010 - 15:57

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