When Does The Crying Stop Options

[Caseysmom10]

My Dog, Tango died on Tuesday, February 4. I done little but cry since. I can't go out, had to cancel a doctors appointment, can't do the grocery store, etc. this is the third time we have gone through this in the last 15 or 20 years and it does NOT get easier. I wish I could have given him some of my time.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Caseysmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Tango. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. And it doesn't matter if it is our first experience or our thousdandth - - the grief journey is never an easy one to endure - - for each of our companions are special to us in their own unique way.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. When we are grieving we are emotionally vulnerable and have little control over them. The stress of grief also inflicts other symptoms such as insomnia, or the symptom of lethargy and the desire to sleep, lack of appetite, inability to concentrate, etc.. Clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is a traumatic event - - similar to the loss of a human family member or friend, or other traumatic life event. It is vitally important that you find healthy ways to express your deep grief, and one of these ways is through crying. Scientific studies show that our tears are literally healing tears for they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up in our bodies from the stress of grief.

Caseysmom, I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that will speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. As you know, the only way to navigate this grief journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Although your beloved Tango is no longer physically with you, the love bond you and your beloved Tango share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Tango with us, Caseysmom. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Caseysmom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

Moon beam,
Thank you so very much for your kind words and your understanding. Your kindness and your obvious understanding of exactly how I feel do give me some comfort. At least I feel less alone. I am trying to share a photo of Tango, but I am not sure it worked. He was physically with me for 11 1/2 years, but he will be in my heart forever. Thank you again. I'm very grateful for your support.

Attached image(s)

 

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Casey's mom

What a wonderful dog! My heart is crying with you at his physical passing. Some people say that crying turns to happiness afterwhile. I haven't found that to be true. My first dog, Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, went to the Perfect World three years ago after we had five wonderful years together. She is an elder rescue dog. I was so sad that I slept on the big orthopedic dog bed I got for her for over a week. (I'm a solo so I can get by with things that people who live with others can't.) Everything was empty: the house, the yard, the dog bowls, my arms, my heart. You're in the shock period. Your body is protecting your brain and heart. It's shutting down all but the most essential functions and even those you do with the minimum energy - like a robot. The only thing that works during this time is crying - and wanting Casey to be back and disbelief that he could be gone to the Perfect World.

Moonbeam, the "mother" of we the grieving, has taught us that we humans live in a world of senses. If we can see or hear or touch something, we call it real. If we can't, we say it doesn't exist. But NOTHING could be farther than the truth. Love lives on an entirely different plane. Once formed, it never dies. It's forever. And as hard as it is for you to believe it right now, Casey IS alive. He's in his spirit form. He can see and hear and touch you just like before - it's just YOU that can't and that hurts BAD. Casey lives in a place I call the Perfect World. Everything there is perfect: the food is delicious, the water clear, the sun warm and the shade cool. And there are SOOOO many friends to be friends with. (I'll let Gretta and Rufus - my second dog, a half black lab-half Newfie - know to look for Casey and make friends with him.)

I often call on my dogs for help - for strength and courage from Rufus, for kindness and gentleness from Gretta. And they always come through. Casey's mom, every person's grief is unique. Do what you have to do - scream, cry, curl up in a ball, or stand upright and face the world ..... whatever gives you just a tiny bit of relief. Here, we have all been through the agony you're going through now. Here, no one will tell you you "should" or "should not" do or feel something. Here, your brothers and sisters will always be there for you and support and care for you. You have come to the right place. Casey is happy and he's up there bragging to Gretta and Rufus about his mom who loved him best.

Be gentle on yourself. Casey lives and is waiting for you in the Perfect World.

Grett and Rufus's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Caseysmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for this wonderful picture of your beloved Tango. It is obvious from the expression on his face and in his eyes that he KNOWS he is loved. You are blessed to be the sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love, and he is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Caseysmom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

Dear Gretta's Mom and Moonbeam,

The thought that Tango is still with me though I can't see him is both comforting and heartbreaking. I know he is in my heart, and he will be forever. This is still so incredibly hard, I just want to go to sleep until the pain lessens.

He died at 5:00 am. I laid on the sofa all night keeping an eye on him. He would barely move and I knew I would have to call the vet the next day to help him on his way. But at 3:00 am he got up, came to me and let me hold and pet and kiss him for a few minutes. Then he lay back down. I believe he was saying goodbye. That is the only thing that makes sense to me about it. I am grateful that the vet was not necessary, that he died here where he was loved and I cherish that last goodbye. The photo I posted was taken the day he got home from the veterinary hospital. They had hoped to get his kidneys working again. At that time, he felt good. He was so happy to be home. You can see it in his face. Unfortunately, it didn't last and 4 days later he died. But, having those couple of days when he was happy and playing is priceless.

We have another dog, Bailey, who is also a rescue. He is about 6, I think. I have always had this mental block about the age of my dogs. I don't want them to get old so I somehow seem to make myself forget their age. I've been that way ever since we had to have our first dog put to sleep and he died in my arms. Anyway, Bailey and Tango were the very best of buddies. Bailey is sort of shy and easily scared, and he relied on Tango to lead. I believe Bailey knew Tango was dying. I would catch him looking at him. And, after he died, Bailey sniffed him. It took a few hours before the person came to pick up Tango's body for cremation, so I'm sure Bailey understood. I think he is grieving too. He hasn't wanted to play. He lays right beside me all day. As much as he seems to need me, I need him too.

Gretta's Mom, my email name and what I use on everything is Caseysmom. Casey was the last dog we had who died. She was 9 and had cancer in our spine.

I thank you for being here for me. I know that you understand and you have helped me so much. I know that my husband is very sad too, but, typical man, he doesn't really talk about it and I think I needed to talk and to cry with you. Bless you for being there.

Caseysmom. (Laura)

[Caseysmom10]

Moonbeam and Gretta's Mom,

Here are Tango and Bailey. Even though there are 5 dog beds in the house, sometimes they wanted to lay together.

Thank you for your kindness.

Laura (Caseysmom)

Attached image(s)

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for this wonderful picture of your beloved Tango and precious Bailey. I am so smiling at what you share with us: "Even though there are 5 dog beds in the house, sometimes they wanted to lay together." I have experienced the same thing with my companions - - there is just nothing like a soft warm body to snuggle with.

Indeed, your precious Bailey is grieving for the physical loss of his housemate. I'm so glad you are finding comfort in comforting your precious Bailey - - as you and your precious Bailey are comforting one another.

Clinical professionals generally recognize that men do grieve differently from women, as children also grieve differently from adults. There are some very good books on grieving that you and your husband may find comforting to read, which may help you and your husband to share your feelings with one another.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Laura, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

Dear Moonbeam,

I admire your ability to see into the soul of a person in pain and truly help. You have truly helped me. You inspire me. You must have been put on this earth for this purpose. Bless you!

Yesterday was a little better day for me. I left the house for the first time. I know that having so much time to think makes Tango's loss harder to bear, but I am disabled now, cannot work, or go out without help. I have LOTS of time to think. But yesterday my daughter came and took me out to lunch. I had a 3 hour respite from tears. That helped me get through the rest of the day with only a few tears and one meltdown.

Thank you, Moonbeam!

Laura

[Caseysmom10]

I happened on to a story of a 6 year old explaining why a Dog's lifespan is so short and wanted to share it. I hope the link works.

http://www.carefordogs.org/why-dogs-dont-live-longer/

[moon_beam]

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As one who has been through a traumatic event several years ago which changed my life in many ways including permanent physical challenges with PTSD, I know how close the bond is you and your beloved Tango formed. Your beloved Tango is not only your beloved companion, but he also became your "therapy" partner. During my recovery and rehabilitation from serious injuries, my canine companion at the time literally became my earthly guardian angel. He helped me through each of my surgeries that put me back to "square one" of learning how to walk all over again, and was my encourager as I transitioned from wheelchair to walker to cane. And he kept a loving vigil over me as I worked through a very dark depression with the assistance of a wonderful professional counselor. And he also became my "protector" from anyone he perceived to be a threat. He never attacked anyone - - all he had to do was to give a low warning growl and people knew it was time to back off. It was a very difficult time when my beloved Samson joined the angels in March 1998.

This type of bond is deep, which intensifies the grief adjustment journey when we no longer have the privilege of their precious physical presence with us.

I am glad you and your daughter had a chance to spend time together. A change of scenery sometimes does "lift the spirits" a bit, and your beloved Tango wants you to be able to be happy. This grief adjustment journey is not a straight line from "A to Z", but is rather a journey filled with many ups and downs and twists and turns. Please know we are always here for you for as long and as often as you need us to share what is in your heart - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Laura, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

Dear Moonbeam,

You are so right about the grief journey being up and down. While yesterday was okay, today is awful. I cry for Tango,. I also cry because its the anniversary of the date my first granddaughter died of SIDS at 6 1/2 months, 22 years ago. My daughter took one of her dogs to the vet today because she can now barely walk, spondilosis, or something like that. Anyway, her prognosis is not good. It's just so much sadness. Wish I could just sleep till I feel better. It's just a bad day, I guess, and I hope tomorrow will be better.

Laura

[Caseysmom10]

I thought I saw Tango today out of the corner of my eye, curled up on how bed. Of course I looked again and there was nothing. Was there? And now his ashes are ready to be picked up. It is one week today. Is there no end to this ? Yesterday was awful, just reread my previous post. Today I am just so sad.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. When we endure the grief of a loss, it is perfectly natural for memories of other losses to come to mind and be "relived." Grieving leaves us very emotionally vulnerable, and this is one of the many reasons why our emotions during this grief adjustment journey are very unpredictable, particularly during the deep grief.

Getting our companion's ashes back is a two sided coin: on the one side it can be a relief to have them back home where they belong, yet the other side is yet another painful "reality check" they are no longer physically with us in the way that our hearts and arms long for them to be.

Laura, I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

Two days ago we brought home Tango's ashes. I had ordered a stone to place over the place we bury his ashes. It was supposed to be white marble, brick sized, but when it came, it was only 1/2 inch thick. That made me cry all over again. I did, however, find another website that seems to have the stone I wanted, so I have ordered another. I don't know why this upsets me so much. The ground is frozen and we can't bury his ashes right now anyway.

Again, I thought I saw Tango out of the corner of my eye. When I looked again, there was nothing there. Or was there? Do others "see" their deceased beloved pets?

Laura

[moon_beam]

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is perfectly natural for you to be upset when your plans to give your beloved Tango a loving tribute - - as his resting place stone - - do not turn out as you expected them. This adds "insult" to the piercing injury your heart is feeling not having your beloved Tango physically with you. I'm so glad you found a place where you CAN get what you want for him. Please let us know how this turns out.

Indeed, our companions DO find ways to let us know their sweet Living Spirits are still with us. Some people do have "sightings" as you have experienced, while others hear their companions walking on the floors or feel them jump up / down off the bed or feel them rub against their legs, etc.. Some folks see their precious companions through visits from wildlife or other family's / friend's companions. I assure you, Laura, you are NOT losing your mind - - your beloved Tango is just letting you know he is with you - - always and forever.

Laura, I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

It has been 11 days since Tango died. I alternate between being grateful that he wasn't sick for a long time before he died and wondering if there was more we could have done, since he had been generally healthy. Did we miss something? And then i feel fear that maybe we did and guilt IF we did. And, in these 11 days, I have not yet had one day without crying. A moving poem about dogs which would usually make me tear up momentarily now causes sobbing, and I think it will for a long time.

I keep looking at that last photograph I took of Tango when we brought him home from the veterinary hospital a few days before he died. He was so happy. And, Bailey was so happy to see him.

My husband doesn't talk about it. I think he can't. And, I can't NOT. I know everybody grieves in their own way. His way and mine are just different.

I have lost loved human family members and I find this just as painful.....in some ways more so because 2 weeks before he died everything was fine. I thought we would have him for a few more years.

There BETTER be a heaven with my dogs waiting for me. Anything less would be no heaven at all.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your husband are doing. I truly am so very sorry about the loss of your pictures. I do understand how heartbreaking this is. The good news is that you do have some pictures of your beloved Ari still with you, and I know this helps to comfort your heart.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal when you share with us: "I have lost loved human family members and I find this just as painful.....in some ways more so . . " Our companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without hesitation or fear of rejection. The relationships with our human family members and friends is on a different level, for with human relationships there are expectations and fears and concerns and disappointments, etc.. This does not mean that we love our human family members and friends less - - it simply means that our companions deeply accept us for who we are. The only thing they ask in return is that we love them and take care of them to the best of our ability accordingly. They don't care if we live in a tent, under an expressway overpass, in a modest house, or a mansion. They don't care about our financial wealth - - or lack thereof, or our social status. Our companions literally become the center of our universe because they are totally dependent upon us for their every physical, medical, and emotional need every day. When they precede us to the angels, we are left with an incredibly difficult task of "re-inventing" our lives with a "new normal" that now no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion. This is an adjustment that can only be made one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

I assure you, Laura, that you will be reunited with your beloved Tango in eternal joy at your appropriate time. Until then, you are his living legacy and witness of his sweet Living Spirit, and we are blessed to share him with you as you share your beloved Tango with us here in this forum.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, Laura, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tango's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Caseysmom10]

It has been 18 days since our sweet German Shepherd mix, Tango, died at the age of 11 years, 8 months. Just this week I have had a couple of days when I did not cry. I was beginning to think I would never stop crying. Our other dog, Bailey, who is 8, is spending much more time close to me, and I welcome and am grateful for his closeness. We comfort each other. I know he misses Tango. My husband thinks maybe we should get another dog so Bailey would have a doggie companion, but I disagree. I am 63 and have serious health problems. I would be unable to do obedience classes, etc. My husband is 75 with bad knees and I am sure he's not up to the needs of a young dog either. In fact, for the past 2 years we have hired a dog walker to take our dogs on an hour long walk twice a week. The only way I could possibly envision us having another would be adopting a senior dog. And, I am in no way ready to do that! I wouldn't want another dog at his point. I would want Tango back. Also, having just been through the devastating loss of Tango, the idea of facing that again soon with a senior dog is unbearable. Bailey can get used to being an "only" dog, can't he? He's getting more attention than he did when we had 2 dogs, since there is no competition. I guess it is just that we have always had 2 dogs that makes my husband think Bailey would be unhappy to be an "only". There are no dog parks in our area, so he will really not have contact with other dogs. I want him to be happy. Here is Bailey with a toy.

Attached image(s)