Missing A.j.

A.J., my 14+-year-old Springer Spaniel, has been gone almost five months. I am still so depressed. I miss her and cry every day still. It has gotten worse again over the holidays. I think about her all of the time. Is this normal? I feel completely depressed. I do nothing. I have gained about 20 pounds. I used to walk on of our other dogs every day. I haven't walked her in over a month. I feel guilty but I can barely look at her because I miss A.J. so much.

I love you A.J. I miss you so much. You were my best friend.

A Week Without A.j.

I can't believe I have lived a week without A.J., my 14-year-old English Springer Spaniel. It was not unexpected. We had her a year longer than we thought we would. She was diagnosed a year ago with insulinoma, a pancreatic cancer, which is a bad diagnosis. For the last year we had to feed her every four hours to keep her blood sugar up to keep her from having another seizure. I knew the end was coming, but I stayed in complete denial. I knew it was her time to go because she suffered from arthritis and had been having a harder time the last couple weeks and had started losing her appetite, which I knew meant the end because she loved her food. Last Monday she went downhill and was really suffering so we knew it was time.

I can't believe she is gone. I can't believe I will never see her face or touch her. She went with me EVERYWHERE until about a year and a half ago when her arthritis kept her from wanting to ride in the car. I work from home so we were together basically everyday except for a few vacations.

She is my best friend. She is the best dog in the world. I don't feel complete without her. I feel like my whole identity is gone. I no longer have my black and white Springer Spaniel.

I will miss everything about her. Her favorite people food was pizza. Before she lost her hearing we would just have to ask her where the pizza man was. She would then stand at the door and wait. She loved to rub herself back and forth across the dryer vent outside when it was running. We have always had broken air vents because she would rub them so hard they would break. She would even stick her head in the hole. Guess she just wanted to smell nice. She loved the garden and the green beans and peas. She loved to walk and go to the river and would squeal at the top of her lungs when we would get a half mile from her favorite swimming places.

I miss you, A.J. No one will ever replace you. I wish I could run my fingers through your fur one more time, but I know for the first time in a long time you are not in pain and can hear.

I send good thoughts to those of you who have lost your best friend unexpectedly because I knew it was coming for a long time, and it is still unbearable.