My Heart Is Aching For All Of You, And For Myself, Losing all of my loves Options

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Oh, my goodness, Michelle! I'm coming in very late in your thread (overloaded with my own things in the last few months, so haven't been here much, unfortunately), but had been deliberately, I'm sure, 'directed' to it late last night......by my girl, Nissa (see next paragraph). So to begin....

While of course it's good to connect with you once again here, naturally I'm SO very sorry about the WHY of it. ***sigh*** Learning of yet more (!!) losses you've had in the last while is so darn heartbreaking! (also couldn't help but notice the number of your losses....23....one of my Nissa's particular "numbers") Once again and as always, your inner strength impresses the heck outta me...yes, even if you don't FEEL strong. How you do manage to keep going is still beyond me, as I've yet to meet anyone else who has had to process so terribly MANY losses in only 4 years. Back to those in a sec....

But having your thread interrupted in the way it was, on top of your grief......let's just say I'm DOUBLY sorry for you after having to suffer through that, too. You should not have had to explain or expound upon your thoroughly compassionate perspective towards all creatures, especially in a place like this. And I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of this whole kerfuffle.....and obviously don't agree with Ken's stance on "wild" versus "pets" treatment in any case. Those are terms we CHOOSE, only to objectify and justify. They are only constructs in our minds and nothing more.

I know you want to redirect your thread back to its original intent, but since you've been subjected to this other angst, I also wanted to lend you support in that area, too, so I will mention just a few points:

I, too, have had to 'de-mousie' our garage once, using humane traps and relocation to an area farther away. It took some patience, but I never would have resorted to kill traps.....or guns, if they'd been some larger type of creature. As you've implied, using our creativity and imagination to solve such dilemmas in a more humane manner is what I believe to be truly "superior" thinking and moral judgment. All that other type of justification reminds me of a particular quote: "Whenever people say 'We mustn't be sentimental,' you can take it they are about to do something cruel. And if they add 'We must be realistic,' they mean they are going to make money out of it." ~ Brigid Brophy. To claim a need for killing under the guise of "this is just the way it is" is just another excuse to never attempt to evolve past that solely-human butt-ended thinking. It also used to be "just the way it (was)" to own slaves, not allow women to vote, beat the wife and kids, etc. The human race is abominably slow to 'update' its thinking, but change it needs to if we're ALL to survive, as the Whole Being that We are. This is also why I've always said that it's often wise to use some discrimination in who you would support and who you'd rather not...here, there and everywhere. As my H and I have come to always say when things like this arise...."Well, at least we KNOW now....." (and at some later, less grief-stricken time, you might wish to check out this animal quotations webpage, which lends further support to your perspectives - Quote Garden.)

Now, back to lending support and empathy for your grief, over both your dear Gordon and Rufus!

First off, oh my...both Gordon and Rufus were simply BEAUTIFUL, both in their physical forms and in their souls! What a wonderful legacy they've both left, and in the case of Gordon, not just for you and your family, but to the world-at-large. Well, they ALL do this, indirectly, of course, but I'm talking about Gordon's classroom teachings. I'm also sure he's gone on to even bigger soul projects to help his/our fellow animal nations. You must be very, very proud of him and all he accomplished in his too-short time here. I know I would be. You have my utter respect, empathy and sympathy for his passing.....like my Nissa-girl, such a BIG soul in such a tiny, compact package......he's certainly gone far beyond his physical form and taught so many so much that NEEDS teaching.

I was also so distressed for and with you to hear about your dear Rufus' passing this last March, and can fully understand how empty it feels to not have your nap and beddie-bye boy there with you now....when you need that kind of support and love the very most! I STILL can't sleep w/o my cat stuffie, and that, of course, isn't anywhere adequate enough to begin with. I just ask my girl to actually 'get inside' that stuffie in order to feel my kisses, cuddles and love emanating through it, to HER actual essence...I suspect it works, and it certainly helps ME out some.

It's just never enough time, is it?, to be with our beloved ones here on this plane. I, too, have had many losses and traumas (including but not limited to death, but all valid and giving rise to grief) since mainly that same year ('04). It's just so, so hard to cope with too many all at once, so to speak. I consider my own bad and hard enough to contend with, and so just as I'd said, to have 23 and still even be STANDING!......you must be ever so exhausted and beaten up/down by that much sorrow. My heart just bleeds for you.

You're a priceless and dear soul, Michelle, and so it's no small wonder at all to me why so many beings have deliberately put themselves right in your path, helping you to expand and spread the word on WHY they are just as priceless and inherently valuable in their own right. (to me, a total "DUH!", but to others???.....) Your tears over them (all) are a testament to what Universal Love includes, and I salute you for it, despite the terrible pain (both entirely personal and more earthly) I know you must live with daily. Know that Gordon and Rufus, and all your other loves both transitioned and not, are wholly grateful for having you in their lives (and soul groups), too. And know they still are, just more invisibly. What would any of you have done without the others? But, as a fellow griever, I'm just so awfully sorry anyway....

Holding you in sympathetic thoughts and wishing you both the gift of peace and a well-needed break in so much loss ,

Nissa and Sabin's Mom

P.S. I'll be away again soon for awhile (a mini-vacation), but will try to catch up to your thread as I can, possibly even before we leave.
P.P.S. I've just read the newer post by Admin. (hidden while I was typing), but will leave my own post as it stands and let you, Michelle, and Marc decide what to do with it.

[mosmommy]

Hi,
Sorry I haven't been here to reply for a few days. Thank you for your compliments about my Gordon, Chance, and Rufus.

Chance was a VERY special creature. That first Christmas eve, he didn't get up at night to run like he usually would, I guess he knew to stay asleep for Santa to come.
He got his snowman stuffed critter, which he eventually tore all of the stuffing out, and slept in it. Very cute! He got a mini stocking filled with a cheese/seed cake, and after he got it out of that stocking, he got to keep the stocking to use as bedding for his large "nest". He also got wrapping paper filled with mixed nuts, even the expensive kind, and I put that gift (paper and all) in his cage for him to open. I didn't use tape or ribbon, so he just had to chew through some paper to get his gift. He had a lovely Christmas Day that year, and the years that followed while he was with us.

Although I am relieved to have this thread back to it's original purpose, it may behoove me to have that stuff added back in. The only reason is so people who read it (now or in the future) could see and understand what happened, what reactions it caused, and maybe learn when and where to post certain things. Not sure though.

To Sabin and Nissa's Mom, it is great to hear from you again, all be it under these cir%%stances. I thank you so much for your support and encouragement.
It has been a tough 4 years, and I, too, have suffered losses other than those in death. I do not know how I get up every day, and at times, I think I've gone numb.
I have other babies to be here for, and I am sure my life will have more babies coming my way until it is my time to leave this Earth.

I will put up a couple pics of my adorable 2 cats that are here with me. I always have stated that 2 are never enough, but when the time is right, that number will increase.

I have to keep going for these guys, as they have rescued me from some of my grief.
Peace, Love, and Prayers to you all,
Michelle

My brown Wilson, and my Agouti, Ewan (You-in).

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[Furkidlets' Mom]

Oh, THERE they are!!! It's been too long since I've seen them! How ARE those dear boys? Those cushy-comfy pics make me want to just jump right in there with them and SNOOOOOZE the whole day away! And what chocolatey-delicious-looking pawpads Wilson has! YUM! Ripe for kissing!

Yes, I'd forgotten to talk about Chance,, too. What a glorious Christmas that must have been for him, thanks to his Santa-Mom! Just looking at his enclosure makes me smile....all the rodentia accoutrements and enrichments he had in his living space! You made his earthly life a big slice of Heaven, Michelle. Don't ever forget that.

I do not know how I get up every day, and at times, I think I've gone numb.

Yes, I'm sure you have (!!!), just as I and probably many others have. I know I've been in and out of numbness (some of it so bad, it sometimes felt worse than the raw grief!) many times in the last 4 years, and still to this day. All part of that roller-coaster ride we call "grief". Those numb-er days were often the only ones where I could post something of an educational nature here, yet couldn't even speak of the underlying pain that I might otherwise have been writing about. But you have even more NEED of such respite and natural defensive measures than most, too. Your struggles are probably rather akin to how no-kill shelter/animal sanctuary owners' are, except likely even worse, as almost all of these babies are yours, NEVER to be adopted out, and so the emotional attachments are much closer than the other peoples' would normally be. I just can't imagine......

However, as you said,

I have other babies to be here for...

so you MUST, of needs, keep getting up each day. I know how utterly exhausted I was, with (only) my Nissakins to care-give for, as her needs became more and more pronounced in her last year or so, and you have so many MORE to tend to with love. And yet of course we keep going for their sakes, if not our own.

I also imagine you barely ever even have any time for SELF-care, and yet that is one of the key-est components to getting through such hardship and is usually one of the very first things certified grief counselors remind us is a necessity, not a luxury. So even if it's just 10-15 mins./day that you can set aside for something that gives you peace and pleasure....even IF that something is spending time quietly loving, stroking, kissing one or more of your babies......that will help you recharge if done consistently. I'm sure you do this anyway, so it's easy to incorporate. But also doing something else that involves just you might be very beneficial, like reading something enjoyable, taking a walk or sitting and musing in nature, getting a massage, whatever, and even if it's not daily, but weekly. As they rightly say, you can't keep nurturing others if you don't include yourself in the equation, too. This was one of the key pieces of advice Nissa herself had for me after she transitioned - I'm to learn to love myself as well and as much as I loved her. Still harder for me than giving of myself to her, mind you, but I've given it a go regardless and it does help some. Like anything else, it's a gradual process.

As for bringing back the missing posts or not, I can imagine it's quite a tough call for you. It may have felt very disrespectful of your loss seeing them in there, and yet, as you said, it was educational, too. Hmmm....it just struck me.....rather a reflection on Gordon's own classroom lessons, in a way, isn't it? (guess that's the proverbial "silver lining" way to view that upset) However, even having an informal 'educator' bent myself, if it were my own thread, I'm not entirely sure what I'd do, either. But as with anything else in grief, whatever brings YOU, personally, the 'better' feelings, is what you should likely go with. It's definitely your call, as it ought to be.

I have to keep going for these guys, as they have rescued me from some of my grief.

Yes, that IS what they (collectively) all do, isn't it? Love us, love us, love us, especially when we need it the most. And.....teach us how to love ourselves better! So take a lesson from all your kidlets, past, present and future.......

[LS Support]

at the original poster's request, this thread has been restored to its original state (temporarily hidden posts have been made visible again)

[mosmommy]

Oh, THERE they are!!! wub.gif It's been too long since I've seen them! How ARE those dear boys? Those cushy-comfy pics make me want to just jump right in there with them and SNOOOOOZE the whole day away! biggrin.gif And what chocolatey-delicious-looking pawpads Wilson has! YUM! happy.gif Ripe for kissing!

I think if you look, you may see me in the back of one of those pictures, and I have my blanket over my head, but I was there, cuddling with them.
Those chocolate paws on my Wilson are so kissable, and I do it many times a day. He's a real beauty!
We all love the afghan that my Mother-in-Law made for me, but I share it (and have shared it) with all of my loves. My Ewan just loves to put his long "fingers" into it and start "marching" before he lays down, he's a very sweet boy.

There should be a shot of my Rufus laying with Wilson (and possibly Huey, our shelter kitty that passed on last February from genetic liver failure). Rufus was always sweet to an new souls that came into the house.

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