Hold On To The Love

My sweet Jasper,
It's been five months ... yet you have never left my heart. I had no idea that my heart could hold such joy and happiness in finding you seven years ago, and I had no idea that my heart could hold such pain and heartache in losing you five months ago. I will never ever forget walking out of that animal hospital with your carrier, with you not in it, never have I felt so alone, shattered, and broken. I will never forget several days later, walking out of that animal hospital with that small wooden box with your ashes in it, such raw and searing grief I felt in knowing that you were not coming back home to me, but also feeling just the tiniest bit of relief and comfort that somehow, someway, your sweet spirit was back with me. It took every bit of strength in me to go there and walk back through those doors that day, and it just felt so wrong that others were coming out of there with their pets so full of life, and here you were, my big beautiful vibrant boy, in this little wooden box ... never have I felt such complete and utter devastation.

I have tried so hard to be strong for your brother Jingles, and I have been giving him all of the love and care he so deserves, but I still can see the sadness in his eyes, he misses you and he just can't understand why you aren't here with us, he just can't understand where his best friend is. He has really helped to keep me going, not sure I would have even made it this far without him. So many times I felt like just giving up, but then I would see him just sitting by the door and waiting for you, it would just break my heart. So then I would scoop him up in my arms and tell him how very much I loved him, and that we were going to make it through this together. Remember how I used to always call us the three musketeers, well one of us is missing, and we feel it every single day. Sometimes when I leave for work in the morning and I am almost out the door, I will come back in and give him a second hug, just because, you never know. I tell all my friends and family that we need to cherish every moment, and we need to love you while we have you, because, you just never know, and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

Thank you for trying so very hard to stay here with me, and I hope that you know I would have moved heaven and earth to save you, we both tried so hard, didn't we ... but I think that maybe the angels really needed you up there, you always had such a loving and gentle spirit, you are so very very special, and they must have seen that too, but sometimes I just feel like calling out to the heavens to please give you back, I just want you back so badly. I miss you so much my sweet baby, not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts, and my world will never be the same without you. Sometimes I wish that this dull ache in my heart would just go away, but I suppose the only way that would ever happen is if I never even knew you, and you know I wouldn't trade even one single precious moment we had together. I will see you again my beautiful kitty, and I just can't wait for that wonderful day when our eyes meet again, and you run up to meet me, and I will run to you like I've never ever run before, and we will never be separated again. Hold onto our love like a little light my sweet boy, love never dies, and we will find each other again, mommy loves you always and forever...

Always By My Side, Forever In My Heart

You came to me seven years ago on a beautiful sky blue Mother's Day. You were a dear little bundle of gray and white fur with the cutest big ears you eventually grew into, and such a sweet sparkle in your eyes, what an adorable little kitten you were. I knew as soon as I saw you that I was yours and you were mine, and when I reached out to you and held you, you seemed to just melt right into my arms, it was as though you knew you were home. You were born on a boat and you spent your first few weeks on that boat, perhaps that is why whenever I would turn on a faucet, you would come running to dip your little paw underneath, you were so comfortable around the water, my little sailor kitty.

When we first went to your doctor, I was stunned and saddened to learn that you had a serious heart problem, and that you most likely would not make it even two more weeks. I remember coming home from work each day and calling out your name, so very scared that one day you would not come, but you always did, and it seemed as though you were getting bigger and stronger with every passing day. Your doctors were so incredibly surprised several months later to see that you were now completely healed, and you were the picture of health, oh yes, you were my little miracle. I can't help but feel that you knew how very much you were loved, and you fought so very hard to stay here with me just a little bit longer, and every single day we shared with each other was a wonderful gift.

We had such fun together you and I, you used to love to lay on the windowsill and watch the snowflakes fall, and you would often reach out that dear little paw to me and put it on my shoulder, you always wanted to be connected to me. Even when we would go to the clinic, you would reach that little paw of yours out of the carrier just so I could hold it, and it made both of us feel so much better.You used to love to wait for me to come home from work so I could scoop you up in my arms and tell you how very much I had missed you, and how very happy I was to be home with you again. You and your brother Jingles were so close, and very often I would find you two cuddled up together in the evenings sound asleep.

In early February, I noticed that all of a sudden you were having trouble eating and even walking, so I rushed you to your doctor and found out that this was not a heart problem, but a neurological issue, and the prognosis was not good, still I did not give up and neither did you. I tried so very hard to save you, and you tried so very hard to stay here with me, you fought the good fight my sweet boy, but you were hurting so badly, that I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life ... I had to love you enough to let you go.

Our last moments together will never leave me, when I held you in my arms and kissed your little head, and I told you through my tears to wait for me just on the other side of the rainbow, and in our last seconds together, I saw in your eyes a glint of recognition, you knew I was right there with you, holding you and loving you, until our very last goodbye. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you my dear Jasper, and I miss you more than words could ever say. Jingles misses you too, very often I will find him sitting and just staring at the front door, I think he is still waiting for you to come back home.

Thank you my sweet Jasper for coming into my life and finding me, and I want to let you know that I would not trade one single moment of our seven precious years together, the beautiful joy and happiness of knowing and loving you so far outweighs the pain and sadness of losing you. You inspired me in every sense of the word with your sweetness, your strength, your unconditional love, and your amazing spirit. All of these first without you are so very hard, but every single day will be filled with the beautiful and special memories you gave me, and I hope you know that even though I may not be able to reach out and touch you, you are always by my side and forever in my heart. I hope that you know that someone down here loves you so very, very much and will never ever forget you and all of the love you left behind, my sweet little miracle kitty, my faithful companion, my dearest friend ... until we meet again.

Finally A Dream

Last night I was in a kind of twilight sleep, you know when you are half awake but slowly drifting off, and all of a sudden I heard a very familiar meow, the same beautiful sound I had heard when my Jasper had been lost for three long days and had somehow found his way back home to me. Well I started walking down a pathway, this place was quite scenic, a wooded area with huge shade trees all around, with the sun glinting and sparkling off of the branches of the trees, and the sky was a bright and brilliant blue, a color I could not even begin to replicate here, and I just knew that something very special was about to happen. I began calling out his name, Jasper, Jasper, Jasper over and over again, and then I noticed there were three cats along this pathway, and although they all looked very similar to him, as I got closer, I could tell that they were not my boy, and when they saw me, they jumped up and scurried off into the woods.

I kept walking and walking and calling out his name, and my heart started beating faster and faster, as I could feel him so very close to me. I reached the end of the path and noticed lovely white sparkles of light, and oh my gosh, there he was, there was my Jasper! He was not sick or hurting anymore, he was his wonderful and vibrant self once again. Our eyes met, and I could tell that he knew that his mommy had finally found him. If kitties could smile, he did, with that unspoken communication between us, he didn't need to say anything, I could see the spark of joy in his eyes. I started walking faster and faster, and I was so close to him that I could almost reach out and touch him, oh how I wanted to feel that soft fur again, how I wanted to have that dear little paw of his reach out to me again, how I wanted to breathe in his scent one more time, and most of all how I wanted to pick him up and hold him in my arms once again. All this time, our eyes were locked together, he didn't take his gaze off of me, and I was not letting him out of my sight, those beautiful emerald green eyes of his, those eyes I have so missed were looking right at me, right into my very soul, as I reached out my hand to touch him ... and then I woke up.

I have been waiting and hoping for this for so very long, and I am so grateful at this wonderful gift I have been given. He looked so good, he looked so happy, it was as though he could have been right back home with me, sitting on his favorite windowsill again, he just had that same peaceful and contented look about him. It was so real, it was him, he was there, the love and connection that we both shared was so very strong, no mere stopping of his sweet little heartbeat could ever keep us apart. I have always believed that dreams can be the window to our soul, and I have cried so many tears, and I have hurt so badly for so very long, and it just feels so good to feel this little bit of happiness in my heart again, because I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that last night, our love transcended this physical realm, and we found each other once again. When someone you love so very much has been taken from you so suddenly and so tragically, when you have had no time to tell them how very much they mean to you, when you have had no time to say goodbye, it is not only a blessing to have that one more precious moment with them, it is a miracle beyond words.

The Silence Can Be Deafening

I wanted to share this post which was written by me, straight from the heart, just three weeks after losing my dear cat Jasper. I was very surprised that I was so often being met with insensitive comments or uncaring indifference to the depth of my sadness and grief. How much easier it would be for those of us who are going through such a devastating loss, to be able to find the kindness, the understanding, and the compassionate support with our family and friends, as we have found on this forum.

I would like to post something which is weighing heavy on my heart right now. As I am sure many of you know, I lost my beloved cat Jasper a little over three weeks ago, and it has been one of the saddest and most heartbreaking things I have ever been through. I received three sympathy cards through the mail, one was from the veterinary doctor, one handmade one was from my little granddaugter, and one was from my daughter. I did receive calls of understanding and support from a few of my family members, which so helped me walk this dark and lonely road, it is a road one should never have to walk alone. But quite often, from some of my friends and coworkers, I would be met with silence, and a let's change the subject mentality, well meaning perhaps, but not at all conducive to healing.

Those cards and phone calls really meant the world to me, it validated to me that those closest to me knew and understood that my Jasper was and still is an ever present part of my life, you knew and understood how very much he meant to me, and you knew and understood the very special connection and bond we had and always will have. Most people who have not been through through this pain cannot fully comprehend this horrific roller coaster journey of grief, and I do know that some of us have been occasionally met with the insensitive comment, well it was just a cat, or it was just a dog, get over it, move on, and just get another one. Well for those people who have never had the sweet love of a precious companion, I can only feel sorry for you, because you will never know the beautiful and unconditional love of a dear companion who turns out to be the joy and light of your life, and your very best friend.

The main resounding phrase that I seem to be reading quite often on the pet loss support group I have been frequenting is, my family and friends just don't understand what I am going through, they think I should be moved on by now, and I am just not receiving the support I so desperately want and need. Well my main message here is, if you ever do happen to know of someone who has suffered such a loss, reach out to them, let them know that you understand how much their beloved pet mattered, let them know you understand how much joy and love their baby brought to them simply by being here on this earth, let them know you feel their pain for the loss of their precious little one, let them know you care.

As far as my Jasper, he was here, he is here, and he will always be here, and he is my bright and shining star and the light of my life. You may think you are protecting the person by not talking about it, and you may not know what to say, but say something, the silence can be deafening when you are missing such a huge piece of your heart. Let them find those caring cards in the mailbox that tug at the heartstrings but mean so much, offer up that shoulder to cry on, make that call to let them know you care, be there for them in every way that matters, it could make all the difference in the world to help them continue on this difficult journey with hope in their heart, you could just be the one who is helping them to find their way out of a very dark and lonely tunnel, you may just be the one holding that little light they so need to find their way out to the other side.

You're Still Right Here With Me

I can't believe that it has been a month since I had to say goodbye to my dear sweet cat Jasper, my precious baby and my very best friend. It feels like so much longer since my sweet boy left this world, those first few days were like a blur in some ways, as though I was detached from everything and everyone, as though I was in some very bad dream, and I just wanted so badly to wake up and pretend that this was not real, how could he not be here with me anymore. I do remember the pain being so intense, nothing I have ever felt before or ever want to feel again, and as I looked at my life, and this so called new normal through tears that would fill an ocean, I just could not understand how everything and everyone could just be going on as usual, when my whole world had come to such a sudden and devastating stop.

There have been a few changes since those first few weeks, the sharp and intense pain seems to have been replaced with an emptiness and a deep inside sadness. Those first few days were unbelievable, such an unrelenting and emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I would just totally give in to the grief and cry my eyes out, but then amidst all the emptiness and despair, something very special started to happen. I started to feel my Jasper again, he was right here beside me and his presence was so palpable, I could almost reach out and touch him, I would see fleeting shadows and glimpses of him, such a wonderful lifeline he gave me to grasp onto. One particularly difficult night, I actually felt him jump onto the bed in his favorite spot, I heard all of those four dear little paws bounce right onto the bed next to me, it is amazing that my sweet baby knew how badly I was hurting, the anguish I was in, and he broke through the bonds of this physical realm to comfort me, and to let me know that just because I can't see him or touch him, does not in any way mean that he is not here.

The instant replay and hauntingly clear images of our last few days together when he was so sick are now starting to fade, and they are slowly being replaced by little spurts of our special times together, the first time I held him, and he seemed to melt right into my lap as though he knew he was home. Our first night together when a storm was raging outside, but he was cuddled up right next to me without a care in the world, because he knew he was with his mama, and he knew he was safe. Although I can feel him here, I still cannot wait for the day until he runs to meet me, and he tells me about all of the adventures he has been having, and I long for that day when I will be able to scoop my sweet boy up in my arms, kiss his little head, and tell him how I have carried him with me in my heart every single moment of every single day.

Those first few days when I was in the deepest and darkest throes of my grief, I found a beautiful poem which really spoke to me, and I believe it was sent from above by my special little boy, always by my side, forever in my heart ... I love you Jasper.

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep,
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm fine, I'm well, I'm here.

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your arms reached out to me.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care,
I want to reassure you, that I am not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair,
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday,
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew,
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is almost over, I smile and watch you yawning
And say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you, and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see,
Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.