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Krissyo
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Joined: 20-August 06
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Krissyo

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19 Aug 2008
I was very lucky to find this website two years ago today when I had to have my beloved Dugan put to sleep after 17 incredible years. I thought I was going to go out of my mind with grief. Waves of unending grief which was only lessened by my coming here to read and post which I did for about three or four months until the computer crashed and I could not get back on until January of 2007. I have checked back in once in awhile but felt like I was standing at the edge of a river, trying to jump in but not sure where or when. I have come back today as it is the second anniversary and I could used some words of wisdom as I feel very stuck in my grief. I also thought if I just tried to get on with my life time would heal things but it has not. I felt like I had a lot of love to give another furbaby, so I adopted a kitten, from a local shelter, that we named Toby. I was not sure if I was ready but if I waited to long I might have trouble with our dog, Jake. We had lost our daughter's cat Dobbsie a year and a half earlier and my loss of Dugan made me grieve over him all over again. Dugan will always be with me in my heart and I know I will never get that lucky again as I felt he was my "once in a lifetime" love. When I got Toby he was affectionate and very sweet. Jake (the dog) missed both Dugan and Dobbsie and Toby became a close companion to him. They used to sleep together and Toby used to sleep on the bed with us as well. Toby will be two in the fall and has become quite independent. He is still very sweet but never sleeps on the bed, does not like to cudddle. It is like he has not bonded with me or my husband and I don't know why. He has a lot of toys and I try playing with him but he has little interest. He only like dry cat food and does not care for any kind of treats except dried tuna flakes which I have tried hand feeding to him in an effort to get him to lie close to me. The vet has checked him out and he is fine so it is not physical. I love him very much but I do not feel the love from him. I had such a close bond with Dugan, he would jump up on the table and roll over on the newspaper so I would pet him, love him, adore him and I miss that so very much. My husband said we could get another cat but I am pretty much terrified as I know that this will be the last one. Some people told me that Dugan would lead another cat into my life, which I thought was Toby. I volunteered at a local animal shelter, brushing the cats, which was how I met the woman who was fostering Toby as he and his brothers were found abandoned in a field. When they were found there was no momma cat and one of his brothers had died. This lady fostered him and bottle fed the kittens. She got another older female cat to show them how to be kitties. They were raised around kids, dogs and other cats so he was really well socialized. He was never scared of Jake from the moment he arrived. My daughter said that she thought Toby came into our lives as he needed us rather than my need for him but I have this overwhelming sense that something is missing in my life.

Ten months ago I agreed to take care of a little kitten for the foster mom that I got Toby from. She needed me to take care of her for a few days as he was to go on a plane to his new home in New Jersey. I feel madly in love with him when he climbed up in bed with me and curled into my neck and started purring. Because of cir%%stance I wound up with him for almost a week and by then I was begging the lady in New Jersey to let me have him which she declined. It was a really bad experience as I wound up taking the poor kitten to the airport, several times, and she was terrified of the carrier and the plane and she kept trying to get to me throught the cage. Putting her on the plane was the the hardest thing, I wanted to keep he so very badly. I cried for days, it was ANOTHER door closing. It made me realize how much I was missing in my life, not having that special conection with an animal. Unconditional love can only come from animals as we mere mortals cannot achieve such high standards. I do not volunteer at the shelter anymore as the owner asked me to take another kitten to the airport and I felt like what I had already done was not appreciated. Probably small and petty on my part but I was in pain and I just wanted to go away and lick my wounds.

So, now do I try again or should I "wait" until Dugan really does bring another love into my life or should I just get used to to the idea that this is just the way it is. As much as I love Toby, I really don't want another cat that is so indifferent to me. If I get another cat how do I know which one is the "right" one.



24 Sep 2006
It has been five weeks today since Dugan was pts. It is also the 2nd birthday of my daughter's cat, Jasper. It was so hard going to her apartment and bringing cat toys for Jasper's birthday. She did not want me to do it but I told her that Jasper is here and we have to honor that. I did pretty good until I noticed one of Jasper's bowls was identical to one that Dugan had. I made it to the elevator before I lost it and started crying. My daughter was so grateful that we had come over and I know she did not expect that we would get toys. It was really hard but I wanted to honor those that are still here as all of us know that we never know how much time we have with our furbabies.

If all goes well, the blessing for all three of my babies will be tomorrow afternoon. I will say prayers and light candles for all of your furbabies during the Blessing. You have no idea what all of you have meant to me over the past five weeks. Everyone gives so much support even when you are all hurting also. I don't know how I would have come this far without all of you. I still am in so much pain and grief that it seems like it will never end, and if I am being honest with myself, I doubt if it ever will end until I can see my Dugie at the Rainbow Bridge. I just pray that someday it will be a pain I can live with on a day to day basis.

I know I am not ready to consider another cat, maybe I never will be but I felt I needed to do something! I found a cat on the Help For Homeless Pets website that was looking for someone to sponsor his grooming as he had bad mats. He was a senior citizen looking for a new home and they thought the grooming would make him more attractive. My daughter and I went half and half and the lady who took him to get groomed took a liking to him and wound up adopting him. I can't begin to tell you how happy that made me.

I will let you know how the blessing goes. Thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. All of you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Dugan's Mom
11 Sep 2006
It has been three weeks and two days and I still feel so lost. I cry every day and everytime I try and move forward for a memorial or blessing I just retreat. I just can't seem to get the strength to move forward. I am having a horrible time sleeping or eating. Everything tastes like cardboard and I don't think I have slept thru the night since I lost Dugan. The last few weeks he always came in and woke me up about 2AM to be fed so I guess I am not used to sleeping all night long.

He was pts on a Saturday, August 19th, but on the previous Thursday he wanted to get in the window in our bedroom. I was elated as he had not done that in at least a year. That was the last picture I have of him. He stayed in the window a short time and then wanted to get down which I helped him do. He then sat on the bed for the longest time and just looked at me, with those big green eyes and all of a sudden I saw big tears coming down both eyes. My husband thinks that he was saying goodbye to me then and that he knew he would be leaving soon. I can't get that image out of my thoughts while I am awake and it haunts my dreams when I am asleep.

I have tried praying, journaling, walking the dog, reading "Pet Loss" books (five at present count)looking at pictures, one visit to the shelter and coming here. This website has been a life saver for me as this is the only place that provides some relief.

Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

Dugan's
Mom
6 Sep 2006
In one of my posting of a Topic ***le I posted "Really missing Duncan today" and I wanted to change it to DUGAN instead of Duncan. I know this is such a little thing, but I am so missing him it really hurts me everytime I see it and I can't figure out how to change it. Any help you give me would be greatly appreciated and I promise to double check next time.

Dugan's Mom
Krissyo
31 Aug 2006
I thought I was doing better but today just seems so over wheming. I am dreading Saturday as Dugan will be gone two weeks. It feels soooooooo much longer than that.

Labor Day weekend was always such a happy memory as that was when my husband got Dugan for me from the shelter. Now there is a Bar-b-que planned, Nascar to watch and all I want to do is cry. I don't want to put on a stiff upper lip.

There is a chill in the air here and I know than summer is all but over. More endings. I miss my Dugan so much I can hardly stand it.

Dugan's Mom
Krissyo
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