After losing a cat to a car in 1998 I moved to a quieter area away from main roads and bordering a country park.

For years everything was fine. Over the past years I have adopted 3 dogs and 7 cats (officially) and have 2 strays coming to me for food and the occasional ear scratch. I also had a neighbour's cat move in with me for a while.

Since moving, and up to two weeks ago I had lost all the dogs and one of the cats to nothing more sinister than old age. I had been with all of them when they moved on from this life.

Early this year I had to rush my kitten to the emergency vet with pancreatitis. He spent a few days in hospital but was ok.

Two months ago one of my cats came home with a puncture wound in her throat. I rushed her to the emergency vet, who initially thought it was a bite. Then they did an x-ray and found an air gun pellet in her chest cavity. She spent half the following two weeks in hospital but came through ok. I was devastated and angry; reported it to the police but have heard nothing.

It took me a while to settle down from that. I had just started sleeping better when on August 8th I was woken by one of my neighbours banging on my door. She had found a black and white cat on her lawn and said it looked like the cat was dying. I have 3 black and whites so went running down the street to find my Horace lying on his side, unresponsive, mouth open and tongue curled. I'm a nurse so I knew this wasn't good and I was very likely to lose him. My neighbours helped me get him in the basket and I rushed him the the emergency vet, 20 minutes away (actually did the journey in 15, no respect for speed limits that day).

The vet took him off me as soon as the door opened. I had just about held myself together but as soon as he went out of sight I collapsed on the floor sobbing. The staff got me into a side room with a drink and did everything they could. They told me he was still alive but his blood pressure was really low and they needed to bring it up, take blood tests and scan him. They thought it might be an obstructed bladder, common in cats his age (he was about 4 years old).

His blood results came back and indicated that it was most probably something toxic. They had just started to prepare medication to protect his heart when it stopped. They tried to revive him but it did not work. They scanned him anyway at my request and found his kidneys to be nearly twice the normal size. They said it was almost certain that he had had something toxic, most probably antifreeze.

I spent some time to say goodbye but not as much as I wanted as I was concerned about my other cats. I drove home crying to find most of the cats waiting for me. They seemed ok, I went upstairs to wash my face and blow my nose. I came downstairs to find them eating breakfast. One of them looked up at me and had foamy drool hanging from her mouth. I could swear that my heart stopped for a couple of seconds. I then got on the phone to my regular vet who said to take her in. They put her on a drip while trying to contact the main vet hospital. They decided to treat her as though she had alcohol poisoning and admitted her for 3 days. This is the same cat that was shot two months ago.

Later that day, I was sat in the garden with my friend/lodger. My elderly cat (16 next month) had recently taken to living in the garden. My friend saw her at the bottom of the garden and called to her. She looked up and tried to move but couldn't. He went to check on her and found her to be caught up in brambles. He freed her then remarked to me that she was covered in 'yellow seeds'. I went to look and they weren't seeds. They were fly eggs. While we were brushing them out of her fur there were more flies landing on her. I decided to rush her to the vet. The eggs were brushed out and then we found she also had fleas. Turns out fleas are becoming resistant to the treatment I had been using. She was coated in a spray flea killer and I stayed up until 1am combing dying fleas from her.

I got home from this and noticed that my neighbour's cat hadn't come back - she had run way that morning during all the panic and upset. I alerted my neighbour. She saw her the next day but no one has seen her since. I don't know if she's dead too.

I have only just started to think about Bonnie (missing cat). I went through a week of emotional and physical hell after losing Horace. I couldn't eat or sleep and initially was unsure it was my cat as I had forgotten to check for the white patch behind one of his ears. Silly, I know. He was so large he was like a small dog, there was no other cat like him in the neighbourhood.

I had Horace for 2 of his 4 years (the vet guessed his age). I'm 99% certain he was the cat I used to see in a neighbour's window. The house was behind mine and he used to watch my other cats. There was an elderly man who used to watch with him. Horace turned up 2 weeks before my cat Jerry died. I haven't seen the elderly man since.
He was a gentle giant who didn't cause any trouble but would defend his cat siblings if they were being challenged by other cats. In front of these houses is a 'hill' left over from when the foundations were dug out. He liked to patrol this hill. It will forever be known to my friend and I as 'Horace Hill'.
In addition he had a liking for cars and I often watched him from my bedroom window as he inspected all the parked cars in the street and rubbed his face against them.
Oddly, not long before he died I remember watching him and thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if he died early of something car related.

Goodbye Horace. I miss the face nuzzles. You last nuzzled me a couple of days before you died. I wish I had let you do it for longer.
I miss your jumping up and bumping my leg when you were hungry.
Your little brother Ed misses you. He broke our hearts shouting to you after you dies and wondering why you weren't answering. I only wish I'd had the presence of mind to bring you home for a while before sending you for cremation. That way, the others could have seen for themselves and said their goodbyes. Ed seems to be calmer now. Did you come and speak to him?

I'm so sorry that I was asleep at the time you needed me the most. I don't know what you went through. You seemed perfectly healthy Thursday night. Twelve hours later you were gone. I hope it was quick and you didn't suffer. The vet could only give me a 'best guess'. They aren't certain.
I keep telling myself that with you being so far down the street I wouldn't have known even if I had been awake. Where you wondering what was happening, why no one came to help earlier?

Did you feel my hand touching you when I came to see you? Could you hear my voice when we were in the car? I told you to hang on, that I was going to get help for you. The vet told me your heart stopped as, whatever the cause of your collapse, your body had had enough. I want you to know that that's ok. I had spoken with the vet about resuscitating you. I wanted to know what your life would be like if we managed to get you back. I told them to give it one try and leave it at that. I don't believe in life at all costs. I didn't want you to come back and be in pain for the rest of your life. That would have been selfish of me. I couldn't make a clear decision without knowing the cause. In then end, you answered the question yourself.

I'm sorry I wasn't holding you when your heart stopped. Did you know I held you and sobbed after you died? Something in my head was telling me that "you can't do any more here, you NEED to go home and check the other cats". Was that you? I like to believe you sent me home for Cleo and Angus. I know Angus is old but I wouldn't have wanted to lose her to fly strike.

Is Bonnie with you?Its nearly 2 weeks since anyone has seen her. If she is, can you ask her to give me a sign and tell her I'm sorry I haven't thought of her more?

Bonnie, I know you had a hard start in life. Your official mother L told me about you having your kittens in the shelter and you being left behind there after they had all been adopted. I know you don't like stress and crave peace and quiet. L has been watching out for you too. If you don't want to live here any more i understand, but could you come to see me one last time so I know you're ok?

Horace, I hope you are happy in the afterlife. Did you find the old man? Have you crossed the bridge together? Will I get to see you again?
I found your old snake toy when I put your ashes next to Leo's. How odd that I hadn't seen it there before ;-) I have given it to Ed.

Two weeks ago today, my sweet boy. I have been in more control of my emotions the last couple of days. Today, the pain has hit me all over again. I cannot handle the fact that you died so young. I like to think that you got to live the life you wanted, just for a little while.

Hi, Vanaja, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Horace. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Vanaja, this grief adjustment journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time, which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

There is no doubt that you gave your beloved Horace a happy and healthy earthly journey to the best of your ability, Vanaja. In the depth of your deep sorrow there is comfort in knowing that the love bond you and your beloved Horace share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Horace's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. And his sweet Living Spirit is always a part of your home and is with each of your precious companions.

I know all so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will somehow offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Horace with us, Vanaja. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, Vanaja, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Vanaja,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know you told me at first that it was hard for you but I hope that now that you were able to express your feelings in writing you were able to feel a lot better. I'm so sorry for this whole experience you had to go through its just awful to loss our babies the way we do no matter how it happening it's still painful. I'm not sure if you are feeling ok by now because I wouldn't regret you if you are still in pain because its just so difficult not to cry or feel down regarding our experiences. Please accept my most sincere sympathy and just to let you know you will also be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or just to listen to you ok. take care and sending you a big warm hug.

~ Mayra

Thank you both so much for your kind words.

I'm up and down still, my mood changes several times a day. I can feel like I'm accepting what happened then the grief hits me again. I went all Tuesday without crying. I even tried to squeeze some tears out because not crying felt wrong. Wednesday dawned and I started crying as soon as I woke up. I'm more able to control the crying though.

Today has been difficult. I got an email from the pet insurance about his claim then went to review my household budget and saw the reminder of his booster and annual check up. He died four days before his appointment.

Earlier this afternoon my eye kept being caught by a butterfly. It kept fluttering past the window. When I started to watch it, it landed above my window. It didn't move so I went outside to check it wasn't caught in a web. It wasn't, but it sat there for a few moments then flew away past my face. I couldn't help but wonder...

Three weeks ago I went to bed not knowing what was about to happen.

I miss you so much Horace. I get by day to day by not expecting too much of myself and letting my feelings just be. The worst of the shock and pain seems to be gone but oh, the constant ache in my heart. I take some comfort in knowing the love will never die.

Hi, Vanaja, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for this wonderful picture of your beloved Horace. He truly looks like he KNOWS he is "king" in his home - - as he should be!!!

Indeed, this grief adjustment journey is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. Just when we think we have made it through the worst part, "something" - - a memory, a song, - - can find us bowed on our knees sobbing as though it were the first moment when our beloved companion transitioned home to the angels. So please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal for this grief adjustment journey, although "knowing" this doesn't make the horror roller coaster ride any easier to endure.

Our beloved companions find many ways to let us know they are still with us, and butterflies are one of them. How so very special that your beloved Horace sent a butterfly to you yesterday to let you know he is still with you. I hope this brought some comfort to you.

Thank you again for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Horace with us, Vanaja. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Horace's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Vanaja, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

One month today.

Yesterday I printed a photo. I can see it in my room.

Today I decided it was time to put some of your ashes in your favourite places. I hope you know I did it.

I intended to type more. I am too upset right now. Every time I think I'm over the worst, the tears start to fall again. My mind and soul seem to have accepted things. My heart hasn't caught up; can't seem to accept that you had to leave so soon.

Hi, Vanaja, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your and your beloved Horace's one month angel-versary. This grief journey is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds, Vanaja - - particularly during the deep grief when we find ourselves so emotionally vulnerable. I promise you it will not always be this way, but until the time comes when you can feel stronger, please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Vanaja, and that you wlil have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Horace's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Vanaja, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Over 6 weeks already. Time is marching on so fast.

I had grand plans to put a photo collage together of all my departed companions. I also wanted to come back here before now. My laptop decided it didn't want to work properly anymore so those plans got delayed. I now have a new laptop and will eventually have all my photos on it when my old laptop decides its finished being backed up (its so slow I'll go back and check a week from now *sigh*).

I still feel so many mixed emotions, not all of them are negative. I move from deep sorrow to feelings of peace with all manner of sensations in between. Mostly, I've accepted that it was his time to go and that I don't need to understand why. I still have moments of yearning though.

Losing Horace unleashed other losses from the last few years that I haven't had time to deal with properly. In the last 3 years I have lost 3 other companions to old age. I went through separation and my second divorce having lost my second husband to alcoholism. I was also forced to leave a team of colleagues who were so close they were like family. In return I got stuck with a nasty bunch of bullies who drove me to thoughts of ending it all. I have cut contact with an emotionally abusive relative.
Its no wonder I've felt so exhausted and 'stuck' recently.

I'm not happy that I had to lose Horace but some of my recent reading about grief encouraged reflecting on what it had to teach me. I've finally allowed myself space to feel every ounce of pain from those losses. About a week ago, I went for a walk around places I used to go with my dogs. It was nice to remember the good times. I had the added bonus of remembering me; who I was back then (and still am).

I read that Reiki can be useful in re balancing the body's energy during grief so I went for a session this week. I have seen this practitioner before for other therapies. He was aware that I had lost a cat and asked me his name. During the session I could feel Horace's presence. I didn't say a word after the session but the therapist told me he experienced something that has never happened to him before. He felt like he was sending energy through paws rather than his own hands! I know he wasn't just saying this because he was visibly surprised and didn't know how to explain it clearly.
This was a real turning point for me. I still feel sad but now I know he is still around and for him to help heal me like that was just amazing!

It took a couple of days to feel the full effect of the Reiki but now I feel amazing.

The grief is easing and I'm now moving from a place of pain at having lost him to one of gratitude for having known him.