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magdalene
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Joined: 26-June 06
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Last Seen: 30th September 2011 - 08:43 PM
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magdalene

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30 Sep 2011
It's been over five years now and I tell you, I don't cry nearly as much now as I did in the beginning, but it doesn't hurt any less and I don't miss her any less. I don't think a loss like this will get better in time, really. How much I love her is not going to go away in time, so how could the hurt go away?

And sometimes it just doesn't seem possible that she can be gone. I still need her. I need her so much. How can she not be here when I need her so much?
25 Sep 2011
Five years and three months ago, my best friend Eileen left me. It was sudden and unexpected. My partner and I decided to have her cremated. While I kind of liked the idea of returning her to the earth and of having a grave to visit, we were living in a city quite some distance from my home town and I was not sure if I'd always live here or not. I couldn't bear the thought of having to move far away and not being able to visit her grave. So we had her cremated.

Eileen had a favorite blanket. It was brown and plain and it was her favorite. We cut a big square out of it and wrapped her in it when we carried her to the place to be cremated.

We picked out an urn for her. A simple wooden one, larger than the man there said we would need, but I wanted one big enough to have a small plaque put on it one day with her name, the dates, and whatever else I wanted on it.

A few days later, we picked up her urn with her ashes inside. I was told the ashes were sealed in a plastic bag.

I didn't really like the idea of her being sealed in plastic. I decided to make a little bag for her ashes. I used a piece of her favorite brown blanket but I wanted the bag to be pretty, too. I had this pretty green dress that no longer fit me but for some reason I'd been holding on to it. I decided to make the bag for her ashes out of a piece of that dress, and line it with the piece from Eileen's blanket.

It took me forever to get that bag made. Not because it was hard to do or time consuming, but because whenever I just looked at that fabric, I started to sob. Also, I realized that when I had the bag ready, I was going to have to open her urn and take out her ashes to put them in the bag. I would have to see them. I was not sure I could handle that. When I say it took me forever, it was more than a year after her death before I cut out the pieces of fabric to make the bag. It was about five years before I finally sat down to sew the bag.

A few days after the bag was sewn, I decided I was ready to do it. I opened the urn carefully. The ashes were sealed in a small plastic bag and it looked almost like sand. It didn't hurt me to see them. I was ready. I carefully cut open the plastic bag and poured the ashes into the cloth bag I'd made. Then I sewed shut the opening in the cloth bag, sealing her ashes inside. I held the bag for minute, then put it inside the urn.

I feel better now. She is resting on her favorite blankie.
19 Sep 2011
A little over five years ago, Eileen, my soul mate kitty, was struck by a car and died. I still miss her and grieve for her. My other kitty, Cayenne, grieved for her too although she seems to have adjusted to life without Eileen better than I have.

Cayenne has had some health problems in the last couple of years. She had cancer, which was treated with surgery and chemotherapy and has been in remission for a while now. She has diabetes, which has been pretty well controlled with insulin and a special diet.

Now she is losing weight, though. she frequently doesn't make it to the litter box in time. She likes to sit on the bathroom counter while I brush my teeth but she cannot jump that high by herself anymore, I have to pick her up. More than that, she just has this look... I don't know how to explain it. She doesn't look well. Something looks off to me. Her pretty long fur is not as well groomed anymore and it looks less fluffy. The expression on her face.... something's not right. I used to work for a hospice and she has the look that my patients had near the end. I don't know how to explain it better than that.

She still loves her canned food and treats. She can hear OK - when I say "dinner!" she comes running. She still joins me in the bathroom and wants up on the counter. She still loves her belly rubbed and purrs. She still loves to be brushed. I don't think she's having any pain. As I type this she is curled up beside me, sleeping.

With Eileen, I had no warning. There were so many things I wished I'd had the chance to do one last time. That's not going to happen with Cayenne. I spend lots and lots of time petting her, brushing her, telling her I love her. I give her treats. I don't get mad when she pees on the carpet one more time. There will be no regrets.

I'm not ready, though. Maybe it should comfort me to think she'll be with her dear friend Eileen but I just keep thinking that then I will be alone.
19 Jan 2011
Every so often I feel I need to come here and write to you. I know it's silly. It's certainly not like you're up in the sky somewhere logging onto a computer reading my messages. But oh well, I guess we all do what brings us a little comfort, huh?

I wanted to tell you your friend Cayenne is coming. We don't know when but probably soon. She has cancer. I'm heartbroken, of course. It comforts me, though, to know she'll be with you. She missed you terribly when you left and I'm sure you've missed her too. I've worried so much that you are lonely wherever you are now and it comforts me to know that after nearly five years, soon your friend will be with you and finally you won't be alone anymore.

Even though I know you need her and she needs you, I don't want to let her go. That's probably selfish in some way but in a way she is like my last connection to you. I love sharing my home with cats but I do not plan to get another after Cayenne goes. I still feel too much guilt over your death. I feel it would not be fair to another kitty for me to bring him or her home with me. I feel someone else can provide a better home. So Cayenne is my last kitty and it makes me sad to know that.

I love you still and I think of you all the time. And you'll be seeing your friend soon.

Mommy
1 Jan 2011
A couple weeks go I learned that my kitty Cayenne has cancer. She had surgery to remove a tumor and is now getting chemotherapy. The chemo probably will not save her but the vet said she could live six to 18 months with chemo and would probably only live six to eight weeks without it. At least with the chemo, I will have more time to say goodbye and try to get used to the idea of life without her.

Four and a half years ago, I lost my other kitty, Eileen. I was heartbroken. Eileen was my best friend. But I love Cayenne too. In a way she seems like my last link to Eileen. And my last link to a whole other life I had before. See, about eight years ago I become disabled. I lost my job, my apartment, almost everything. But I was able to keep my two cats. My life is not bad now but I lost a lot and now Cayenne is like my only link to that, to the old me.

It comforts me to know she will be with Eileen when she goes. She really grieved when Eileen died, I could tell. So that comforts me. But I still feel like I am losing more than just a cat that I love. And I am not ready to lose her or all that other stuff.

Magdalene
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