Bonny Forever In My Heart

I lost my 15 year old beautiful silver grey tabby Bonny on Christmas Eve and I am in so much pain. Bonny had been losing weight the last few months. This time last year she was a beautiful, healthy cat with a beautiful coat. Her health went downhill quickly through the year. She had lost so much weight. I had taken her in to the vet and they did blood tests. She also had a check-up and they indicated she had a heart murmur.
The blood tests were normal, no kidney disease. However, they decided to do an ultrasound to take a look at her abdomen. She had swollen lymph nodes but we decided not to do an invasive biopsy because she had the very noticable heart murmur and may not make in through the process. She was put on prednisone but I think it was too late. She kept eating right up to the very end. She didn't seem to be in any discomfort but I still feel guilty. Why didn't I notice sooner? Why didn't I take action sooner? Why did I let her go that long?

I also have guilt about not being with her when she was put to sleep. I was out of town and my petsitter had to take her to the vet. She was not fairing well. Her temperature was very low and the vet told me she was "crashing" and they needed to give her oxygen. She indicated that they felt it was time to euthanize and that if I didn't give my okay, they would have to be her advocate. I told them of course I would give them the okay as I didn't want her to suffer anymore. I wasn't with her and I feel so bad. I lost another cat to cancer last year and was with him up to the very end. It was difficult but I was so glad I was there.

I miss Bonny so much. She was such a good friend to me. She saw me through so much in my life. She saw me through addiction recovery, clinical depression, a bad marriage, my aunt's passing, my mother's illness, the birth of my son. She was with me for one third of my life. It is so hard to lose her. I can hardly bare the pain. I am now crying again. I can't stop crying. I want her back. When I got home last night my pet sitter and friend had put away all of my Christmas decorations and lights. Christmas ended for me on Christmas Eve.