I'm Physically Ill, Pet Loss Options

[red]

Last night I found this site. I hope that someone will talk to me, I need a shoulder... bad. I have, had a dachshund named Oscar. He's my baby. I was forced to put him down yesterday after a week long quarintine at the vet's office for bitting. My dog bit my 4 year old daughter in the face. This was his 3rd strike the vet said. I live on a military post and was told I could have Oscar put to sleep, or be kicked off post and have neglect charges brought against me. My kids are upset w/ me, I hate me, my neighbors say "it's about time", and my husband is in Iraq and didn't even get to say good-bye. I've never lost a pet before. Oscar is really like my child. How am I to deal with this overwhelming grief??? I can't stop sobbing, I really want to help my kids with thier pain; but I am at a loss. Someone please talk to me.

[toonie]

Dear Red my heart goes out to you, your pain must be intense. You are right, our pets are our babies, we are responsible for them and we want to be the best parents to them all. I can understand all that has happened and the whys of it but from where you are at, nothing must make much sense to you. You could certainly not
fight and solve all of this, neither could your husband even if he had been by your side. My heart goes out to him too, he will be very sad if Oscar was part of his life too. I do believe that something had to be done about your dog if his behaviour was a threat to your children and the neighbours had problems with Oscar too. There are laws and I believe that if one disagrees with them rather than go around them, they should work at changing those laws so that they end up making sense for all concerned. That would be a gift to the next person who lands in your situation.
This takes time I know but perhaps you will eventually use the grief and later the energy that comes with your passion for Oscar to study the whole situation and see if anything could have been changed or done differently so that this nightmare wouldn't have happened. But Red, know that whether Oscar had died this way or any other way including ripe old age, that remorse, that pain, that grief, that numbness, those headaches, the insomnias....they're all part of that physical separation we all have to go through. We are all here for you and with you.
Your children will appreciate your being open about your feelings,it's an opportunity for them to see that grown ups have serious emotional issues too, I am sure you are also very concerned about your little girl's case and you will help her realize that Oscar didn't mean any harm and she didn't cause Oscar's demise either, sometimes in life there is a sort of threadmill we are on, call it destiny and this was meant to happen. A great big pain for you and the family but perhaps it can miraculously turn into something positive, perhaps it is an opportunity for your whole family to bond in memory of Oscar and to appreciate each other's support and understanding. Take care and hugs

[paris]

Hello Red.

I am so sorry for what has happened. Toonie's post was beautifully written.

Your children are young and can't understand. You have found yourself in a set of cir%%stances beyond your control, and the pressure of having your husband in Iraq only makes it worse. As for your neighbors' comments, they are rude and unfeeling. I have read from other posters when their pet dies that some people are insenstive to the loss.

Be assured that here, everyone knows the love of a pet and the grief of losing him/her.

[Lucy1Josie2]

Dear Red,

I'm so sorry about what happened to Oscar, and to your daughter. I'm sure Oscar didn't mean her any harm, sometimes our pets act up out of the blue. Sometimes we can pinpoint why they do it, sometimes we can't - but we always love them. Go ahead and cry all you need to, and if your kids come to you sad, just let them know that it's okay to be sad, they can cry all they need to, you all can. And then, maybe after you've cried for a while, you can do something little that you can all enjoy. Our lives are a series of ebbs and flows, and there might be intense sadness for quite a while. You'll think of something Oscar used to do, and the tears will come, because right now, there's no such thing as a happy memory. We all go through it, dear Red, and we all understand and are here for you. Come here and talk about Oscar all you want, if you want (though you'll be crying your way through every post you write for a while - and we've all been there, too).

In the meantime, if you're at all ready to hear this, you can talk to Oscar in your heart all you want. Our pets understand heart language perfectly, even when we can't actually see them anymore. And then, may Oscar himself bring you comfort, until you someday see him again.

Take care, and be very gentle on yourself.

-- Michelle K.

[ryancat]

Dear Red,my heart goes out to you now as you are certainly going thur a very hard time.I wish I had the words to make you feel better but I do not.I do know that you are not alone in your unbearable sorrow.All of us here have felt the same kind of pain and it is so hard.You were put into a situation beyond your control and you did what you had to do.I had to make that same decision when my boy Sox (who was a 16 yr. old black and white manx) got sick with kidney failure and we had to make the decision to have him put to sleep.It was a nightmare for both of us.I can't imagine having to make that choice on my own.But you didn't have any choice, you did what you had to do.You live on a base and they have rules and yes, that really sucks,but it's not something you can change right now.I know you are feeling really low but please know that there are others just like you out here that know exactly how your feeling and we hurt right along beside you.Your children are young and they do not understand fully about death so it is hard for them to verbalize how they are feeling to you.You are all suffering and you need to try hard to band together to get thur this....and you will get thur this,it's just going to take some time.My thoughts and my prayers go out to you and please do come here as often as you need to.I found this site the day after my boy passed away and it was a true godsend.I'm not sure if I could have made it thur that time without the support of all those who responded to my letters and even became my friends.We understand what your going thur and we really are here to help.Take care and just take it one day at a time.....Sincerely,Renee (Sox's Mom)

[k9pal]

Hi Red, Let me begin by saying that I am so sorry for your loss of Oscar. I know that your feeling guilty but what choice did you really have. I don't know what state you live in but where I live the third strike offense isn't a base rule but a state law. If the state you live in has a law to have the pet euthanized on it's third strike offense and you had refused. They would of taken the dog by force and not only would your children be taken from you for neglect, you would also be charged with reckless endagerment to a minor. I know this information will not bring Oscar back but I hope that it will ease your guilt by knowing that maybe by law you had no choice. I'm very sorry that Oscar is no longer with you. I know that you loved him dearly. Just remember that you are not alone. Everyone one this site understands the pain and the grief that you are feeling. Take care k9pal

[k9pal]

Hi Red, I haven't seen you on the site lately and I hope that you are doing o.k. Please post again and let us know how you are doing. jackjackbojack, Iv'e noticed you on this site lately and it sounds to me as if you are going through a hard time right now. I'm very sorry that Rassy is not doing well. May I suggest that maybe you should post a new topic of your own. That way people will be able to respond to you on a more personal level. I hope all is well with Rassy. Take care k9pal

[5catsmom]

Hi Red,
I understand a little about the military rules and regs, being a military wife myself. Living on base is so limiting and you're really so much at the mercy of those regs. It sounds as though you're feeling a lot of pain, however it happened and whoever was ultimately responsible for the decision about Oscar. I'm so sorry about him, I know the loss is so devastating. One thing I would suggest, since I do understand the pain of losing pets and the resulting depression, is that you perhaps can go to your hospital PCM and ask for a consult for behavioral medicine. Living near Walter Reed and going there so often, I know that there is no room for dependents at behavioral med, because of the returning vets, but my PCM wrote a referral to a civilian psychologist and they worked very quickly to get me in. Please, please take advantage of this, it can be an invaluable asset, especially when you're on your own with a family - I'll be in that position soon since my husband is being deployed and it's almost unimaginable to think of losing one of my pets without his support. If your kids need help, I don't know about your base hospital but Walter Reed is very supportive of kids and I can't imagine your hospital would ignore their well-being as well.

In the end, it's your decision to decide if you need help. I certainly did, and I'm still on antidepressants for a loss I suffered of a pet almost 2 years ago. It's not a mark of shame, it's self-preservation. Please be kind to yourself, please take advantage of what is available to you.

Jackjackbojack, I know what it's like to see your cat with CRF, one of my oldest friends, a cat named Heidi, passed away from it, and it was one of the most traumatic times of my life. She was 18, and the fluids prolonged her life by maybe 9 months. I didn't think I'd make it through, I wish I'd have known about this site then because I really feel it would make a difference. The loss of a pet is so unspeakably painful. Spend as much time as you can with Rassy - the memories you make now, although they will hurt terribly after he leaves, will one day be priceless and never to be lost to you. Do take care and let us know what happens - Barb

[toonie]

Hi Joanne, you seem to have the right att*itude, taking it one day at a time and trying to know what your kitty wants. Hang in there, we are all here with you. One day at a time, and try to savour each moment. Take care.